A/N: Erm, hello. I'm horrid at parodies, so... this first chapter's short. And it's true, I'm terrible at slash. So don't expect any of that, unless you want it very poorly written. But I'm going to try. Anyways! Enjoy. I don't own Harry or any other character you recognize, and if you want to read a better parody, read The Mary Sue Files. Please.
Open with Harry in his bedroom. He's doing something but we can't tell because he's trying to be discreet about it. Thwap, thwap, thwap, thwap...
"H-hey! Bugger off!" Harry yells, trying to hide something from the audience. I, being the author, pick him up by his collar and turn him around. Harry blushes and scowls at me.
"Ha! I knew it!" I smile at Harry from the comfort of my computer chair, happy that I'm not him right now. Mostly because he's a fictional character. And I'm not. "Ickle Harry is becoming a man, is he? Well, I guess I'll just have to write around this... in some way." I grin evilly at Harry. He looks at me with wide eyes, obviously fearful of what is in store for him.
"So... uhm... who are you going to stick me with?" Harry asks.
"Oh, I'm not sure yet. Maybe Hermione, maybe Ginny, maybe Pansy, maybe Ron..." Harry's eyes became wide at the last name. "Just kidding. I'm terrible at slash. Be thankful for that." He breathed a sigh of relief.
"And...what's going to happen?"
"Oh, I'm not sure of that yet either. But it's fanfic, so plots aren't exactly top priority. We'll just go the standard route and stick you on the Hogwarts Express and wait for some amazingly stupid idea to hit me." I give him a cheesy smile and continue on my quest for the perfect, cliché Harry Potter story.