Hermes

"And then there's the associative property of multiplication. Does anyone know what that proves?" Our math teacher, Demeter, asks. I don't raise my hand, as I'm half asleep. She calls on me anyway.

"Huh? Uh...six," I reply. She sighs.

"No, but six is a very good number. It comes after five. Did you know that?" She replies gently.

"No."

"Do you know what comes after six?"

"No. Can you tell me, Professor Demeter?" The rest of the class is already catching on. As the god of mischief, I'm particularly good at time-wasters. Yes, I do know how to count. I learned last weekend. So there.

Demeter is off, giving us the first nine numbers and then explaining how they go together to form other numbers, making the number line infinite. She's done, and there's still ten minutes of class left.

"Professor Demeter, are there numbers below zero?" I ask. And there she goes again, explaining negatives and operations with them. She gives us a lot more information then we need, but that's fine by me. She runs out the clock, and class is over. She doesn't have time to give us homework. I'm not actually as stupid as she thinks I am, and this comes in handy.

People give me high-fives as we file out of the underworld-I mean the math classroom. The underworld is nicer. I've been there. Hades is always sending Persephone love notes. It's kind of sad, actually. Not that I read them! I'm not supposed to read the letters I deliver. I never discover anything particularly scandalous, considering everyone knows that I read them. But it's still fun to get into other people's business.

"IT'S MONDAY, MONDAY, GOTTA GET DOWN ON MONDAY! EVERYBODY'S-" Apollo sings.

"NO! Stop! Do not sing that song! I WILL CUT YOU!" Ares claps his hand over Apollo's mouth, holding his knife to his throat.

"Okay, okay, put down the knife. Release the knife," Dionysus says, slowly prying the knife from Ares's hand. Apollo squirms out of Ares's choke hold.

"Students, a quick reminder: There are to be no weapons, explosions, tsunamis, fires, or tornados in the hallways. Also, no one is to be flying on school grounds without permission. Thank you!" A crackling voice announces over the PA. There is a chorus of groans.

"So, how was math class?" Apollo asks me.

"Awesome! I had this great dream, where I was riding a hippocampi down a mountain of icing, and then it turned out to be a giant cupcake, and I got to eat it! And then it exploded into a volcano of chocolate and all these fuzzy birds came out of the sky and started eating it, and then-" I began.

"I meant the class! Were you awake for any of it?" He asks.

"Yeah. Demeter taught me how to count!" I reply.

"I thought I taught you how to do that last weekend," He groans.

"You did. But she didn't know that. She ran out the clock and now we don't have homework! How awesome am I?" Apollo rolls his eyes.

"School is for learning, not playing tricks on teachers," He tells me.

"What school do you go to?" I scoff. The bell rings before he can answer, and we start towards our next class, which is gym. Yay. Trust me, it sucks being the shrimpy kid in gym class. Just my luck. Everyone else is muscular and tall and has goddesses falling all over them, and I'm, well, if you want to put it nicely, lean. If you don't, shrimpy. Changing in the gym locker room sucks too, because I've got zero abs (well, zero anything). But the locker room is definitely not the worst part. What is?

Dodgeball.

The dreaded sport. It's already dangerous enough, but when you add amazing and incredibly dangerous powers to the picture, well, it's a good thing we're immortal. It's deadly. To make matters worse, I have zero dangerous powers without my caduceus, which I'm not allowed to use. So I hide in the back and hope I'm on Apollo's team, because you don't want to be on the receiving end of his balls. He sets them on fire. And yet, somehow, I'm the one that's always in detentions. I don't throw fireballs at people! I just sleep through all my classes, get Fs on everything, put slime in my teachers's seats, you know, the usual.

We arrive at gym class, I change behind the shower curtain, and then head to class to find out we're playing dodgeball. Joy. Insert happy, excited comments here. Yay lame jokes! I get grouped into a team with Artemis, Dionysus, Hephaestus, and a bunch of nymphs. Great, we're against Apollo and Ares.

YAY DEATH!

The balls are lined up, the coach blows the whistle, and the game begins.

I take to the air immediately. I like to get an aerial view, and most people can't reach me up here. Except Ares. He's got a killer arm. And I mean killer. I settle down inside the basketball hoop to watch the game. If I'm lucky, no one will see me, and I can spend the class up here watching.

No such luck.

It never occurred to me that Apollo and Ares would join forces and try to end my life together. But they did. Apollo set one of the balls on fire and Ares threw it right at me. I didn't even notice it 'till it was about two feet from my face! I leaped out of the hoop and started an incredibly graceful plummet headfirst towards the gymnasium floor. It was just before I hit the ground that I remembered I could fly, and pulled out of a totally intentional dive seconds before death by floor.

"Smooth," Artemis hisses as she does a back handspring to avoid getting hit by a ball.

"Thanks," I reply, and gracelessly leap to the side. I would want to be hit so I could be out of the game, except that ball was covered in spikes. I'll wait for the normal, rubber balls.

LOL, "normal". As if.

Another ball comes flying at us, and Artemis squeals and trips backward to avoid getting hit. I catch her in my arms.

OH MY GODS I'M TOUCHING HER.

"Let go of me," She demands, squirming out of my arms. But I could've sworn she blushed when I caught her. She grabs me by the shoulders and jerks me to the ground.

"What was that for?" I snap.

"I'm sorry, did you want to get hit by that flaming ball my dear brother chucked at us?" She replies.

"Touché."

"Do you know what that means?"

"No." I grab her by the waist and we roll just out of reach of a thorn-covered one.

"Thanks," She says breathlessly.

"No problem," I reply. She's definitely blushing now. But then again, I probably look like a brick. Wait, the brick is the red one, right? "Hey, is a brick red or is that wood?" I ask Artemis. She gives me a funny look, then knees me in the crotch. I curl into a ball instinctively. "What the heck?" I demand.

"Sorry, I had to get you out of the way of that ball," She reasons.

"I think the ball might have been nicer!"

"It was on fire."

"Never mind." I uncurl and am once again inches from her face. And her boo- her face. Suddenly, I see a spiky ball flying at her. And the only way to get her out of the way is to...oh shit.

I grab her hands and yank her on top of me.

"What are you doing?" She shrieks.

"Getting you out of the way of that." I nod towards the ball.

"You could've just told me it was coming!"

"Oh." She wiggles off of me. We're still on the floor, but it's not quite so awkward. And suddenly fire is sailing at our heads, and there's no way to escape it fast enough. An unusual stroke of genius hits me, and I grab her by the hand and take off into the air. I pull her up with me. She screams. I guess I didn't choose the most comfortable position to drag her in. Once we're out of the way, I slide one of my arms underneath her knees so I'm carrying her bridal-style.

"That was close," I pant.

"Yeah," She replies. Then I'm leaning in and she's leaning in and-

PAAAAAAAAAARP!

I have never been so upset for a gym class to end.

DOO DOO DOO, DOO DOO DOO, SCENE CHANGE!

"...heels down, good, sit up straighter. Alright, this is OK. Keep going, he's refused this one every time. Push, push, push, nope. Try again," Coral instructs. Apollo sighs and turns back around. "Just do that one. That jump that he keeps refusing. And smack him before he takes it." Apollo nods. We have a day until competition and everyone's looking pretty good, except Artemis and I. I'm on a new horse that's super flighty. I'm pretty sure Crystal gave it to me so I'd fail. Artemis's horse is a nightmare. It likes to go fast, and Artemis let Ares ride it for a while when she was training some new yearling. Ares likes to go fast too, so he rode it really hard and fast all the time, and now it pulls at the bit and never slows down. It goes into everything way too fast and jumps it really sloppy, way overshoots, and ends up with only a stride to go before the next jump. Artemis is good, so she manages to stay alive. But I don't think either of us will be winning.

Apollo turns toward the roll-top that's been giving him trouble, and stirs his horse, Sunburst, into a gallop. They race toward it, Apollo smacks him hard, he puts on a burst of speed, and then refuses. Apollo, caught off guard, sails over the jump and lands on his butt on the other side. I clap enthusiastically. He glares at me.

"Well, you got over!" I reason, "Just, next time, take the horse with you."

"Very funny. If you're so good, why don't you try it?" He challenges.

"Gladly." I pick up my helmet and walk into the arena. Show jumping isn't my best quality, but it's not like can't get over a measly roll-top. I pull off the saddle, lead Sunburst over to the mounting block (Ares makes a snide comment about how I still have to use it. I'm not short, I'm vertically challenged), and clamber aboard. Apollo climbs up onto the fence and watches me with raised eyebrows. I turn around so I'm facing the jump, wind my fingers into Sunburst's mane, and squeeze him forward. I keep my leg on and keep him straight, so there's pretty much no way that he could refuse it. We sail over it with ease. I bring him down to a trot and we prance past Apollo triumphantly.

"What? How did you...? What was that?" He stammers.

"Try bareback," I suggest, "some horses like to be able to feel you and not just the saddle."

"I don't know how to jump bareback," He points out.

"It's easy. I'll teach you. Get on," I instruct. He shrugs and clambers on (Without the mounting block. Sure, let's just rub it in!). He steers Sunburst around so he's facing the jump. "OK, now, go!" I say. I'm not the best teacher.

"Huh?"

"GO!" I shout, picking up his crop and smacking Sunburst on the rump. Sunburst breaks into a gallop, and Apollo drops his reins and winds his arms around Sunburst's neck, holding on for dear life.

"AAAAAAAAAAH!" He screams. They fly over the jump, and it's only Apollo's choke hold on his horse that keeps him on. I clap once they get back down to a walk.

"You did it!" I cheer.

"I nearly died," He hisses.

"Don't be silly," I scoff, "We're immortal!"

"And that's the only thing that kept me from death."

"You didn't even fall off."

"Because I was squeezing the life out of my horse!"

"But you got over!"

"You are such an idiot!"

"I'm fully aware." Crystal clears her throat impatiently. We both turn and look at her.

"First of all, Hermes, that was the biggest display of idiocy I've ever seen," She tells me.

"Well then, clearly you didn't see the time I-" I begin. She cuts me off.

"And, Apollo, if you can't get him over that jump, you can't compete. Got it?" She threatens. He nods dejectedly.

"I'll get him over," He promises.

"He'll probably do it now that he's seen there's nothing to be scared of," Artemis points out. Apollo nods.

"Everyone else needs to go tack up and practice," Crystal announces. We walk back to the barn, chattering excitedly, then depart to tack our horses.

Quicksilver, my new horse, may well be the prettiest horse in the barn. He's fleabitten gray, with shockingly green eyes and shiny black mane and tail. He's not thickset either, like most grays. He's skinny and tall like a Thoroughbred but jumps like Connemara. He'd be perfect, if it weren't for the spooking. He's afraid of everything. He's sweet and he aims to please, but literally everything sets him off. He's been getting better, though.

"Well," I tell him as I slide the silver bridle onto his head, "at least you're head and shoulders above Moonbeam." Quicksilver snorts in agreement. Moonbeam is Artemis's horse. He's a beauty and incredibly skilled, but he's become bad-tempered and impatient. He snaps at everyone and rushes everything. It's a wonder how she stays in the saddle.

I lead Quicksilver outside and clamber on, then walk him through the course. I keep a hand on his shoulder and mutter softly to him, which keeps the nervous horse fairly calm. We just might beat Artemis today. In competitions, technique is super important. But when we practice, we just go for speed. And Moonbeam is fast. Quicksilver is too, but no one compares to Moonbeam.

"Are you ready to be crushed at our competition?" Artemis calls. Quicksilver starts, but I get him back under control and turn to face Artemis and her snow white monster.

"With your technique? As if," I reply. Moonbeam prances impatiently.

"It's not technique that matters, it's speed." She counters.

"And none of that will matter for you, since you'll be on the ground," I shoot back.

"If you're so sure you're going to beat me, then why have I beaten you every time in practice?" She points out. Because you're faster and you're going to crush me tomorrow, I think.

"Because Quicksilver and I haven't shown you what we can really do yet," I say. She laughs out loud.

"Worst lie ever," She replies, flipping her dark hair over her shoulder. I roll my eyes.

"We'll beat you today, make no mistake," I warn her. She laughs again, and stirs Moonbeam into what was supposed to be a nice, collected canter. He takes off in a gallop and it takes her several strides to get him back in her iron grip. Her effort is clear, and, I remark with glee, it'll affect her score badly. Quicksilver picks up a smooth canter and we canter back to the starting line.

"I'll go first, as you'll take longer," Artemis reasons. I start the timer, and she takes off into the woods. As usual, with blinding speed. As usual, totally out of control.

The goal of the course is to complete it without falling or knocking any jumps, and come back out the finish, which is directly to the right of the start. Wait, maybe it's left. That's not the point. The course is shaped like a U, and when you come out the finish you have to try to hit the red button that stops the timer. If you miss it, the timer keeps going until you hit it.

While Artemis is riding, I warm up over the jumps in the field before the course begins. We do low jumps and I cool him out after every three so he isn't too winded when we do the course. Then I take him over to the side and do some lateral movements to get him loosened up. Suddenly, I hear the pounding of hooves. She's going way too fast, I think to myself, she's gonna miss the button. Moonbeam is huge, so Artemis always has to lean way off to the side to hit the button. At the speed she's going, she'll never get it.

"SLOW DOWN!" I call, hoping she'll hear me. Either she doesn't or she chooses to ignore me. She bursts out of the woods, leans so far down that she's almost vertical to the ground, hits the button, and topples off. Once I see she's OK, I burst out laughing.

"As funny as it may be," She says, "I still hit the button, and I got a great time. Beat that, I dare you." I glance at the timer, and see that she completed a two mile course in two minutes and seventeen point six seconds. That's an incredible time. I try not to show my amazement.

"That's nothing. Quicksilver and I are going to crush you!" I warn her. She rolls her eyes.

"Good luck," She scoffs, retrieving the reins of her horse and swinging back on gracefully. Don't look at her butt, don't look at her but, don't look at her butt, I think frantically to myself. My eyes stray there anyway. "Don't look at my butt!" She cries.

"What? I'm not!" I lie hastily. She rolls her eyes again. "You know, if you keep rolling your eyes, they're going to get stuck like that."

"That's crossing your eyes, Hermes."

"Oh." She rolls them again. I chew on my lower lip and stare down at the ground awkwardly. Quicksilver prances impatiently.

"Well, are you going to go or not?" Artemis presses.

"Oh, right. OK," I say, riding over to the start. Artemis presses the timer, rolls her eyes at me one more time for good measure, and then we're off.

Quicksilver races through the woods, fast as a lightening bolt. But not as fast as Moonbeam. Generally, I wouldn't ask for so much speed right in the beginning. But Moonbeam has a rare combination of both speed and stamina, and he could continue at a speed like this for hours on end.

We hurtle around a turn and leap over a stone wall, continuing towards a gate. We're doing pretty well, and Quicksilver hasn't spooked once.

Famous last words. A bird takes off overhead, squawking noisily. Quicksilver sidesteps nervously and darts off the course, galloping mindlessly into the unmarked woods. I yank on the reins, trying to regain control, but he isn't having it. He dodges trees and continues at a dangerous pace, and I all but drop the reins and depend on Quicksilver's mane and my seat to keep me on. Once he's galloped himself out, Quicksilver gives a good buck and throws me off.

"Hey!" I cry, "What was that for?" Quicksilver snorts at me, bobbing his head nervously. I glance around us, and realize that I don't recognize anything. Quicksilver twists his head around, and looks just as clueless as I do. "It's alright, buddy," I promise him, taking his reins in my hand, "I'll get us out." Empty promises. I've got no idea where we are. "OK, I'm going to try to get an aerial view." I'm pretty much talking to nobody, considering Quicksilver is a horse. But I'm not good at thinking, so hearing my thoughts aloud is easier for me.

I'm about to take off when I realize that I'm wearing my riding helmet and boots, neither of which have my trademark wings. "OK, nevermind. No aerial view. Well, I guess we'll just see if we can find our way out." I clamber back on Quicksilver's back and we start to walk in what I hope is the direction of the course. "Which way did you go to get here?" I ask Quicksilver, who knickers in reply. "Thanks. That's really informative." The fact that I really can't tell left from right isn't helping us right now. I get letters, directions, and numbers mixed up. I'm not really sure why. But my lack of any type of intelligence is not helping our situation.

We'd been walking for a while when I realize the sky is starting to darken and the temperature is dropping. Lightning flashes across the sky and rain begins to fall. "Seriously?" I shout at the sky, "Now of all times, father dearest?" Quicksilver glances about nervously. A shiver runs through his now wet coat. It looks like we'd have to camp out here, which isn't going to be the warmest. It kind of ticks me off, since everyone is sleeping at the barn before the competition and no one has come looking for us. Although, they probably assumed I'd gotten lost on the course again. But come on, that only happens six times.

I slip off Quicksilver's back and sit down on the driest piece of ground I can find. To my surprise, he lays down beside me. By now we're both soaked and I'm freezing, so I lean against him and try to share body warmth. He's so exhausted that he doesn't seem to care.

"HERMES?" I bolt upright.

"Artemis?" Quicksilver raises his head. I can hear hooves on the wet ground. Artemis and Moonbeam come into view, and I've never been happier to see her.

"What were you thinking? You are such an idiot!" She snaps.

"It's not my fault!" I defend myself, "Quicksilver spooked and took off. And then we got lost. Speaking of which, how are you planning to get us back?"

"Seeing as I'm not an idiot, I marked my trail," She explains icily.

"Well, Madame Brilliance, why don't you show us the way back?"

"Fine! Follow me." She turns around and urges Moonbeam into a trot. I quickly clamber onto Quicksilver's back and follow. I'm beginning to recognize things, the rain is ceasing, and things are getting infinitely better. What could go wrong?

Every. F*cking. Thing.

We're actually having a pleasant conversation about the upcoming obstacle course competition in fighting class, when suddenly we hear growling. Artemis knocks an arrow, and I search frantically for the knife that should be in my saddle bag. Oh, that's right. I don't have a saddle. Quicksilver's ears are pricked and he's prancing nervously, ready to bolt again. I place a hand on his quivering shoulder and cluck softly to him. He likes that noise. It's weird.

A pack of wolves emerges from the shroud of darkness. There's way too many for Artemis to take out with the three arrows she has left in her quiver. She's going to need my help, but I have no way to help her.

Her eyes narrow to a squint as she pulls the bowstring taught, then lets it loose. It pierces an unfortunate wolf. That's one down in a pack of five. If only there was some way I could get Artemis her arrows back without getting eaten. Wait a minute, I could do that! I'm wicked fast, even without my winged shoes. I could grab the arrow in the dead wolf's side and bring it back to Artemis. That way she'd have enough to get them all! I'm so smart.

LOL JK.

But seriously, this could work. I slip off of Quicksilver's back noiselessly, and dash over to the dead wolf's side.

"What are you-" Artemis begins to ask, but I'm back by her side with the arrow before she can finish. Realization dawns on her, and she nods in approval. She's so pretty when she nods.

Seriously? Not the time, Hermes.

Stop talking to yourself. That's weird.

Artemis slips the bloodied arrow back into her bow and releases it on another wolf. Two down, three to go. Suddenly, one of them makes a leap at Quicksilver. In an act of rash and thoroughly unintelligent valliance, I throw myself in between. The wolf is startled for a moment, then closes in on me. In another act of rash and thoroughly unintelligent valliance, I raise my fist and punch in in the snout. It flies back and smacks against a tree, then lies unmoving. Dead. I just killed it with my fist. What was that? I stand there, motionless and confused, and don't even notice when Artemis lets another arrow fly and it barely misses my head. Instead, it hits another wolf, leaving us with just one. This one is bigger than the other four, which lie dead on the ground. It snarls at us and slowly approaches. Artemis knocks an arrow and draws her bow, ready to fire. The wolf shrinks down to the ground in a squat and stares her down. Slowly, one by one, she pulls her fingers off of the bowstring and let's the arrow fly.

The wolf dodges it. It was her last one.

"New plan," I say, quickly clambering back aboard Quicksilver, "RUN!" Artemis turns Moonbeam around and we tear off towards the course. We can hear the barking of the wolf, chasing us. Suddenly, the course comes into view and we make a sharp turn onto it. We both leap over the stone wall, and leave the wolf on the other side.

Then the weirdest thing happens. She laughs. And I laugh too, because what else is there to do? We didn't die, and our horses didn't die, so why not laugh? That's a moment I'll never forget, because this is the moment I realize that I don't just like her. I'm in love with her. When she tipped her head back and let out that high, clear laugh, and her brown curls rolled down her back, and I laughed with her, everything was alright and I was in love. Maybe not with her, but I am in love with this moment. I never want things to go back to the way they were, with me drooling over her and her being disgusted and rejecting me. I wanted us to stay in this moment, and ride like the wind, and laugh, and be so, so in love.

Wow. That was pretty deep.

The laughter ends and she's just looking at me and I'm just looking at her. And that's alright. It wasn't awkward. I hate awkward silences, so I always end them by shouting, "Awkward silence! A gay baby has been born!" And everyone looks at me funny and laughs. But that's OK because I like to make people laugh. But anyway, this silence isn't awkward. We just look at each other and race through the woods without a care in the world.

"Do you want to go back?" She asks me.

"Huh?"

"To the barn. Do you want to go back?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know a lot of things."

"Well, then add this to the list."

"It's late."

"Yup."

"We should go back."

"Yup."

"Do you want to?"

"I don't know."

"Well, what do you know?"

"That I want you to stop asking questions."

"Idiot."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

"I was being sarcastic, Arrow-Brain."

"I know, Wing-Head."

And after that we're silent again, and we end up going back to the barn. Crystal freaks out all over us but both of us are beyond caring. We just clean our horses and get them some food and then go to the lounge as if nothing has happened, even though we're both unusually happy. Then we open the doors and everything is perfectly normal, because Hephaestus is flirting with Coral in the corner, Persephone and Aphrodite are doing make-up, Apollo and Athena are doing homework (nerds), Hestia is brushing her hair quietly and observing everything, and Dionysus is totally drunk even though he's only 14. So that's the way it should be. The only thing that's missing is Artemis braiding Hestia's hair and me filling people's underwear with applesauce. But that's alright. I like what we did instead.

I walk over and lay out my sleeping bag, hoping that Artemis will put hers next to mine. She doesn't. She goes in between Aphrodite and Athena, which makes sense. They're the "big three" of junior high. The important goddesses. I guess the important gods would be Apollo, Ares, and I, but no one calls us the "big three". Probably because I'm really small. I sit down on my sleeping bag and observe like Hestia does, but I don't find any joy in it. I've seen what I'm seeing right now a million times over. The only unusual thing is that Persephone comes over and sits beside me.

"Are you nervous?" She asks.

"Sort of. You?"

"Yeah. Apollo and Athena always beat me. I need to win, or else Crystal will cut me."

"Why would she do that?"

"She doesn't need a loser."

"If she didn't need a loser, I'd be long gone."

"That's not true. You always win."

"Artemis beats me sometimes."

"But then you always come in second."

"Not all the time." She doesn't reply. We're silent. Then suddenly, she asks me, "Do you think I'm a slut?"

"What?"

"I'm 14 and married to a guy I barely know. Am I a slut?"

"No. I mean, I don't think so. You didn't want to marry him. And marrying someone doesn't make you a slut."

"Can I tell you a secret?"

"Sure."

"I visited Hades last weekend."

"And...?" She's silent for a moment, looking at the floor.

"He...he..." She stammers. I see her eyes starting to tear up, which is weird, because I barely know Persephone. Sure, I think she's pretty and all, but everyone does. She looks me in the eye. "He raped me." She says quietly.

"Oh." That's all I can think of to say. And then she's crying and I don't know what to do, because, again, I barely know her. But she's entrusted me with her secret and she needs help so I wrap my arms around her and I let her cry into me.

Things get kind of out of control from then. I guess she's pretty depressed, because she lets Dionysus give her alcohol. And she drinks it. And I guess she likes it because she gets more. I'm not sure if she's actually drunk or trying to convince herself that she is, but she certainly acts like it. Not in the crazy way that Dionysus gets, but she just acts weird and everyone knows there's something wrong with her. She stays next to me, which is also weird. And I hold her hand because I want her to know that it's OK. And she pretty much doesn't say anything, she just sits.

We don't have the festive night we usually have, because Persephone is so depressed and no one knows why, so after a while we all just go to sleep.

And tomorrow, shit goes down.