This isn't the sequel to A State of Mental Extremes, but rather a side story set during It's All in the Mind and Telekinesis 101 (Or A Guide to Readjusting Perceptions). The actual sequel is currently in progress, but will take longer to publish because of plot issues that I'm still working out. In any case, I thought you guys could do with a little lighthearted snippet of this universe that was anyway going to be written.

This is largely set in chronological order, but when exactly each talk was given is up to the reader to decide.

What Remains the Same: "The Talk" hasn't changed much over the years, which is probably why Steve should have realized what was coming when he began to surreptitiously date Tony.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own The Avengers.

What Remains the Same

Okay, the thing was that Steve wasn't exactly subtle when it came to dating Tony (or maybe he was. But just a tad and in his defense the man was dense.). In any case, his team knew full well what was going on whenever he managed to drag Tony out of the workshop. Clint teased him often enough about his outdated notions on romance that Steve was just lucky Tony hadn't noticed and bolted.

But regardless, Steve knew what he was doing, even if Natasha had discreetly slipped him Tony's file with all his faults highlighted and underscored in an effort to discourage him from this supposedly stupid venture.

And maybe instead of reading it he had dumped the file in the nearest garbage can, but he didn't want a cold, clinical analysis of Tony's faults or psychological issues. He knew the man had them – no one was perfect – but he wanted to find them out for himself. Like how Tony was never fully awake unless he'd ingested at least one mug of straight black coffee. Or how he didn't sleep unless he passed out or Steve forced him to get to bed or JARVIS shut everything off while saying he had to run diagnostics. Or how he could be utterly thoughtless at the worst of times, resulting in massive fallouts that Pepper had to take care of (though Steve thought that was more on purpose than on accident, because it usually ended up proving a point).

But Steve's point – and he had a point – was that he was going to do this the old-fashioned way. He knew how that worked and that it would come with results, be they good or bad. It also seemed better than twenty-first century standards of dating, all things considered.

As it turned out, though, he'd forgotten about one thing that apparently remained the same regardless of the year…

Virginia "Pepper" Potts

The first time it happened he'd been blindsided. Pepper had come to see Tony about one of his designs regarding something Steve hadn't understood, finding both of them in the workshop. Steve had been sketching in near silence for about an hour after Tony had apparently forgotten he was even there.

Pepper had taken one look at the scene, noticed that Tony was rather deaf and blind to the world outside of his work, and not-so-subtly suggested to Steve that perhaps they could talk in the kitchen about one of the Avengers' missions. They'd left Tony muttering to himself about something concerning energy readings and a new weapon for Natasha – which didn't seem to have anything to do with each other, though Steve could be mistaken, given the only thing he was familiar with was the StarkPhone and how to work the appliances in the kitchen.

When they did reach the kitchen and were in relative privacy, Steve was about to offer Pepper a drink when, without even looking up from the tablet she was holding, she said, "I've been friends with Tony for a long time."

Steve looked over his shoulder, perplexed. "Yeah."

This time she looked up, face completely serious. "I've seen him through some of his lowest and best times. Our relationship didn't work out, but that doesn't mean I don't love him."

He was beginning to get an inkling as to where this was headed. Unconsciously, he straightened out. "What are you saying?"

"If you hurt Tony," Pepper said calmly, a mild smile playing at her lips, "you will wish that you were still in the ice."

Okay and…ouch. Steve had not been expecting that.

"I won't hurt him," he said firmly.

"Sometimes the best intentions are those that cause the worst harm." Pepper's eyes flickered sideways for a brief moment before returning to Steve's. "I hope you know what you know you're doing. You two were at each others' throats not two weeks ago."

Steve couldn't stop an embarrassed flush from creeping up his neck at the reminder. True, he and Tony had probably not really been considered "friends" at that point in time, but that didn't mean he hadn't liked him. Despite Tony's outwardly abrasive nature, the man was capable of incredibly thoughtful gestures that made Steve realize he was more than what he presented to the world.

Tony had given him a punching bag that wouldn't burst apart under his hands and had said nothing about it. Tony had been the one to provide Thor with the means to call or visit New Mexico at the drop of a hat to see Jane. He'd also been the one to give Bruce everything he needed to feel comfortable, even going so far as to get JARVIS to do something to the army's database that Steve hadn't understood.

So Steve might be harboring a bit of a crush on Tony. It wasn't an unfounded crush, though, because he really hadn't liked Tony the first time he'd met him. Now was definitely different because he'd gotten to know Tony over the last so many months.

"I know Tony," Steve said finally. "I know what I'm doing." His smile was small. "I won't hurt him, Miss Potts."

Pepper's answering smile was equally small and tinged with a deadly warning. "See that you don't, Captain."

It wasn't until after she left scant seconds later with a tapping of her heels to return to Tony and finally get his attention that Steve slumped against the countertop, exhaling loudly.

He'd always thought Pepper was a nice dame – woman, but he'd never known that she could be so ferocious. He had no doubt that if he did hurt Tony, she would carry out her threat.

JARVIS

He was going to do it. He was going to tell Tony.

Not that he might possibly – or definitely – love him, but that he'd like to date him openly. It was about time he tell the man his true intentions, as Tony still seemed absolutely oblivious.

It wasn't going to happen now since Tony would be leaving in a few days to go to Japan for his company and Steve didn't want to distract him. No, he was going to do it afterward.

Taking several steadying breaths, Steve studied himself in the bathroom mirror. There was no reason to think that this wouldn't work. He had it from a very reliable source that Tony was at the very least bisexual.

"You can do this, Rogers," Steve said to his reflection.

A moment later he felt immensely foolish. What the hell was he doing, talking to his reflection like this? Tony wasn't going to bite his head off for suggesting that they date. At worst, he'd probably just think Steve was certifiably insane for wanting to date him.

Well, he was. With love.

…That sounded too cheesy even in his head.

Sighing softly, Steve straightened, momentarily tightening his grip on the sink basin.

"Captain."

To Steve's credit, he didn't startle like he would have earlier upon hearing JARVIS's voice. "Yes?"

"I am sure you are aware that I have the utmost respect for you, Captain."

Steve blinked, looking up at the ceiling, not sure where this was leading.

"Regardless, should you hurt Mr. Stark, you will learn why it would not be wise to have me for an enemy."

Suddenly, Steve was all too aware of how many things JARVIS had control over. If he wanted to, the AI could make things very, very painful for Steve.

"Noted, JARVIS."

"Of course, I wish you the best of luck with the relationship," JARVIS continued serenely.

"…Thanks."

Steve wasn't worried anymore about telling Tony he wanted to date him.

Dummy

There was no need to go into great detail about Dummy attacking Steve with a blowtorch one afternoon as he tried to get Tony to eat. He'd hightailed it out of there without Tony even noticing he'd been there as he had been underneath a car.

The next time Steve had gone down – more cautiously and with a metal pan for protection – he'd been cheerfully greeted by Dummy with no explanation as to his earlier behavior. Tony had noticed him then, leaving Steve to explain why he was carrying a metal pan for no reason whatsoever.

Needless to say, not one of Steve's finest moments.

James "Rhodey" Rhodes

All things considered, Steve was probably fortunate that Rhodes didn't give him the talk. Then again, the look the man had shot him when Steve had been in the hospital room by Tony's bed was more than enough to tell him that if he hurt Tony, he would probably regret ever joining the army.

He hadn't known it was possible to hold that much of a murderous warning in one look.

Natasha Romanov

Steve hadn't expected to get the talk from Natasha. For one thing, her relationship with Tony was still rather ambivalent despite months of working together as a team. For another, she didn't seem the type to give a warning; she was the more type to kill the other person without ever telling them what they'd done wrong.

In any case, Steve was sparring with Natasha, honing his hand-to-hand combat skills. He couldn't use his full strength against her, but it was difficult catching hold of her because she was so agile and capable of squeezing out of even the tightest spots.

It was half an hour into their session when Natasha suddenly got the drop on him and he found himself pinned face down into the mat, Natasha sitting directly on top of him.

Ordinarily he would have just thrown her off, but ordinarily she wouldn't have had a choke hold on him that threatened to break his neck if he moved.

"Natasha—"

Natasha tightened her grip warningly for a brief moment before relaxing it, letting Steve go. Although free, Steve didn't move, sensing she had something to say and that it would be less painful to get it over with now.

"I don't know what you see in Tony," she said finally.

It took a second for him to decide against telling Natasha that she wasn't the first one to tell him that.

"Regardless," she continued evenly, "if you hurt him, you will wish you had never heard the name Anthony Stark."

"If I hurt him," Steve said, turning his head to the side so she could see his face, "then I'll let you do whatever you want."

Natasha smiled briefly, the movement flickering across her face so quickly he almost couldn't be sure it had been there. A second later, she got off Steve's back, allowing him to stand up as he rubbed his back with one hand.

"Just so you know," Natasha said, "Tony's getting the same warning."

Steve was almost about to ask her to go easy on Tony, but refrained. It wasn't like she'd listen.

Clint Barton

Clint didn't really say anything to Steve about his relationship with Tony. It was Steve who brought it up one morning when they were working out.

"You aren't going to give me the talk?" he asked, hanging down off the pull-up bar.

Clint looked up from the barbells he was lifting. "Nah. Natasha already gave you the ninth degree, didn't she?"

Steve raised an eyebrow, still hanging off the bar. He'd gotten talks from Pepper, JARVIS, Dummy, and a threatening glare from Rhodes before Natasha even got to him. That didn't excuse Clint.

"I'm Switzerland," Clint explained, apparently picking up whatever Steve was silently saying. "I reserve the right to beat up whoever's responsible for any broken hearts around here."

And that, Steve figured, was as close to "the talk" that he would probably get with Clint.

Thor

Thor didn't really give Steve the talk.

"I am most glad to see that you and Anthony have joined," Thor said one afternoon after he'd been chased out of the kitchen by screeching beeps from the sentient stove Tony had made several weeks ago. He'd come across Steve in the living room.

Steve looked up from his sketchpad, hoping that Thor also wouldn't give him the talk. "Thank you."

"To celebrate this momentous occasion, I would drink to your health," Thor continued.

"You don't need to do that."

"I insist. It is only proper." Beaming, Thor disappeared to probably get some alcohol from one of Tony's bars.

When he came back several minutes later with two bottles of what Steve recognized as some really expensive whiskey, he really couldn't refuse.

"You are fitting for each other," Thor said, grinning lightly at Steve. He held up his bottle, clinking it against Steve's. "I wish you happiness and much fertility."

Steve choked on his drink, spluttering.

Thor didn't seem to notice. Or maybe he did, but just spared Steve the embarrassment. One could never tell with him. "To you and Anthony!"

In the end, Thor didn't even hint at hurting Steve if he broke Tony's heart.

Maybe they didn't have the talk on Asgard…

Bruce Banner

It was when he was on the roof, sketching, when Bruce sought out Steve. At first, Steve thought the scientist would simply stand there silently, not saying anything, until he was acknowledged.

He was just about to say he could sit when Bruce spoke in a soft voice. "Tony's a friend."

Steve turned his head to bring Bruce into his line of sight, voice dying in his throat when he saw the dangerously impassive look on his face.

"I might not have known him long," Bruce continued, looking up at the night sky, "but I know him." There was a wry smile that showed just what he meant by that. "And he knows me. Let me tell you, Captain, that if you hurt him, there will be no place on Earth that will be safe for you."

A shiver ran down Steve's spine at the words. He had absolutely no doubt that Bruce – or Hulk – would be more than capable at carrying out that threat. Then again, he was certain that Pepper, JARVIS, Dummy, Rhodes, and Natasha were also fully capable of carrying out their threats. It didn't really make any difference who was threatening him; it was all the same.

"I understand," Steve said finally, looking back down at his half-finished sketch of Tony scolding Dummy.

He looked up in time to see a small smile flicker over Bruce's face. "Good."

"But you know," Steve went on conversationally, "you're not the first to say that to me. And if I ever did anything to Tony, I'd gladly lay down and let all of you have at me."

"Things are going to happen." Bruce's tone was quiet. "You're going to hurt each other. That's the nature of relationships. But if you ever break his heart…"

It was long minutes after Bruce left before Steve finally managed to pick up his pencil again.

The Stove

It was after Steve had confessed to Tony in the kitchen when he got the talk from the sentient stove. He'd been poking around in the pantry for something to make for Tony to eat when there was a rendition of what sounded like the wedding march in beeps.

Confused, he looked down to see the stove lighting up in rhythm with the beeps.

Suddenly, the wedding march cut off to a loud discordant jangle of beeps, coming to a dead silence seconds later. There was a menacing hiss directly afterward.

It didn't take Steve long to realize what the message was. "I won't hurt him," he told the stove.

There was a deep ominous beep in warning.

"I won't," Steve repeated. "I love him."

Following a short pause, the lights on the stove flashed in acknowledgement. The wedding march began playing again, this time in much softer beeps.

Smiling softly, Steve looked down at the stove. It should really have a name…

Apparently, the protective "big brother" or "fatherly" talk was the same regardless of the year. Steve had never expected to be on the other end of it so many times. Nor had he ever expected to be threatened by a CEO, artificial intelligences, superheroes, a lieutenant colonel, and a stove.

But that was fine. It didn't matter anyway.

If Steve ever hurt Tony, he would be the first in line.

Compared to everything else, this is absolutely tiny... I hope it was an enjoyable read. Let me know what you thought!