Warnings: yaoi, OOC, previously posted under title "I Thought"

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. This story is not for profit -- please don't sue.

A/N: This was my first one-shot, my first 1st person pov, and my first attempt at focusing on Duo and Heero in a fic. I should perhaps say that I have a much easier time seeing them as friends than lovers, but this wouldn't let me go until I'd written it. I should also perhaps say that, in spite of what it may seem from this fic, I really do like Duo! Some liberties have been taken with the story of how Duo came to be Deathscythe's pilot. (Also, this is based on a certain exchange between Yulia and Suslov in Maxim Gorky's play Summerfolk.)

Promises, Promises

by Bryony

I was a whore. Yeah. When I was a kid -- well, thirteen. I didn't think I was a kid back then, but now, looking back…yeah, I was an immature, punk kid. I'm not gonna lie -- that ain't my style -- it wasn't a bad life, all in all. I had what they wanted, and I got what I wanted back. Food, a roof, a bed. Sometimes I'd end up staying with the same person a few days, a couple weeks at a time.

It didn't happen right away. The Maxwell Church blew up; I had nowhere to go, nothing to do. I was pretty messed up. I wandered around. And then some guy tried to pick me up, and I didn't give a shit, so, yeah, I went back with the guy. He had a motel room, but he decided he wanted to be classy. Gave me dinner first. Then we did the deed. Hurt like hell. I cried, oh yeah. The guy must've felt pretty bad, I guess -- he tossed me a wad of cash and a candy bar, and left me the room for the night.

And a few months later I caught a glance of myself in the mirror, and I was a whore. Simple as that. It didn't bother me, still doesn't. I know some people think it's shameful or whatever, hate themselves for their profession -- but you know what? That's a stupid waste of time. I was comfortable, and I was pretty content most of the time, too.

Then an Alliance cadet tried to pick me up and it all came back, all the stuff I'd been trying to block out about the church and who did it. The rage, the pain, the rock bottom desperation. Revenge. I let the kid take me back, he was maybe eighteen. Then I killed the horny cock sucker. Smothered him with a pillow.

Ran away. The L-2 authorities would be worth crap in trying to find me, but people would know it was me. Stuff like that had a way of traveling, still does. Soon after, G approached me; I expect he heard the rumors about the kid murderer. The need for revenge had been rekindled that night and I needed some way to purge it, so I took him up on it. I took on 'Scythe, and got ready to rock and roll.

Met Heero pretty early on, actually, way earlier than I met Wufei. That's when things started getting a little more complicated. Damn, that kid was intense. Practically more determined than I was to wipe out the Alliance and OZ! Seemed fucking insane! That's what I liked about him. Not so hard to believe, is it? Plus, Heero's head is tougher than a rock, impossible to get it to crack. After all the death I'd seen and dealt, that made for a damn nice change. I needed that something solid. I had to have it.

What with the last year or so of my life being what it was, sex was no big thing for me. Just a way of getting cash, or control. But then I met Heero, and I slowly started to think a little differently about that. At first I just thought he was plain crazy, but then his attitude and his skill sparked the competitive spirit, which led to admiration -- and hell, I was a teenage boy, the hormones had to kick in sometime. Sex and all that started to seem like something I might actually get a kick out of. But Heero was always just out of reach, always dead focused on his mission.

So I made it my own mission to break him down, get him down on his knees to worship at the altar of Duo Maxwell. I was going to break into his thoughts if it was the last thing I did, I was going to understand Heero Yuy before I died. There had to be something fantastic lurking behind those shuttered blue eyes. Or so he led me to believe.

Don't think I was the only one taken in. I wasn't. The others were all fooled too. Heero Yuy became the whole damn rallying cry for our side of the war. No joke. Relena was prepared to follow him to the ends of the Earth, Trowa would be there to do whatever Heero did, Quatre centered his whole freaking strategy around the kid in the last battle, even Wufei thought he was something.

Wufei. Now there's the guy I should have been aiming for since the beginning. He's the real deal -- I'm willing to bet on it. But I didn't see it back then, I already thought Heero was what I was looking for.

So there we were, and everything was finally done. I'd said my goodbyes to Trowa and Quatre after we finished destructing our Gundams, and Wufei was nowhere to be found, no surprise there. If Heero hadn't had to recuperate for a little while, I bet he would've vanished too. But Relena's watchful eyes had seen him installed in one of her private, secluded guesthouses for a couple of weeks. Or a couple days, at least.

I headed round, knocked, and went in without waiting for an answer. It's not like I'd have gotten one, you know. Heero was standing in the kitchen just off the entrance, staring at the fridge with his arms across his chest and looking kind of lost. It was the first time I'd seen him looking vulnerable, honestly. Didn't think much on it, though -- I guess I figured he was just looking around for the next mission. And that's what I was there to give him.

"Hey, Heero," I called out to him as I walked in and hopped up onto the countertop across from him. "Why so bummed, man? We just won, bud, or didn't you notice?"

He glanced over at me, but didn't bother responding.

"So," time for the big question, "what're you planning on doing now?"

He scowled furiously at the refrigerator. "I don't know."

I grinned. Just the answer I'd been hoping for, actually. I'd spent the last year collecting scrap and trying to readjust to civilian life with Hilde, but man I was itching for a change. I dunno know what Heero'd been up to before we met up again to take down Mariemaia, but I expected he felt the same way I did. And Une had just approached me with a job opportunity, explaining that two of her Preventer agents were moving onto greener -- well, redder, actually -- pastures themselves. I told her I'd get back to her. It would depend on who my partner was.

"Civilian life's a real bitch sometimes, huh?" Heero switched his scowl to me, sensing I knew something he didn't. I could feel my grin turn into a smirk. "I hear Relena's looking for a new bodyguard…"

No reaction. Damn.

"…But personally, that's a little too cozy for me, if ya know what I mean. Can't tie a man down like that. But, fortunately for me, I've got a couple other freer options floating on by."

There we go. Heero was practically salivating waiting for me to get to the point.

"Une asked me if I was interested in joining up with the Preventers now that Noin's leaving. 'Course I told her just what I think of her brand of authority and said she could stick the job right up her ass, but she was pretty insistent. Dunno, though. Like to keep my options open. It would probably have to depend on who my partner was."

"The Preventers, huh?" Heero was looking pretty skeptical. He didn't have much respect for Une or her ideas for keeping the peace. But hey, neither did I.

"Yeah. She seems pretty desperate for a Gundam pilot to be involved," I snickered. "Funny she didn't come groveling to you, huh Heero? Woulda thought you'd be the man for the job, perfect soldier and all."

Damn, did he look sour at that! Pretending, of course. He's defensive like that, see, like I learned as I got to know him better. Not quick enough, unfortunately. Nope, Heero Yuy can't stand being made fun of or made to look bad. Just plain can't handle it. Low self esteem, if you want my considered opinion.

"Of course," I continued, "if you were interested, I could probably talk her into it. I may not have Quatre's business savvy, but I'm not half bad at negotiating terms if I do say so myself. I wouldn't mind bringing you in on the deal, and getting us out of all that bureaucracy crap." Yeah, okay, so I was stretching the truth a bit there. Une had already let me know she'd be willing to take care of all that to get a pilot on board. She'd have to anyway, considering how we were technically still underage and all. "If I got involved -- and I'm not saying I will, either -- I sure as hell don't plan on wearing those stupid uniforms she's got picked out. Yeah right!"

Heero was getting rather thoughtful at that point. Then he looked pointedly over at me and said, "I want to learn how to adjust to peace."

Man, oh man, I can't tell you how bowled over I was by that. It was the very first time I'd heard Heero Yuy expressing a desire for anything, and it was me he was opening up to. I must've grinned like some stupid yuppy. But I had a reply ready, you better bet I did. "Christ, who at the Preventers doesn't?" I groaned dramatically, stretching back on the counter. No harm in getting a little luxurious at that point in the game, I figured. "You'll be surrounded by folks in transition to the rest of their lives! I bet at least half the people in it are using it to segue into civilian life."

Come on, Heero, I was chanting in my head, jump at the opportunity I'm giving you here. Jump! Jump! Jump!

He was trying to look engrossed with Relena's granite backsplash, but I could see him examining me out of the corner of his eye. Cautious, almost tentatively, he asked, "Would I be working with you?"

I shrugged, totally nonchalant while inside my head I was cheering. "I guess it could be arranged if you were really interested. I don't really have anything much better lined up right now…" I pretended to think it over again. Then, grinning, I slithered off the counter and wormed my way over to Heero, getting comfortably close before I stuck my hand out. "Well, buddy, you got yourself a deal. Partners? What do you say?"

He looked like a little kid up close, no kidding. The toughness in his eyes was already wavering as he got a little more uncertain, a little deeper into the jungle. I liked seeing that at the time, it made me feel good to think I was behind that little glimpse of what was behind Heero's rough shell. He put his hand into mine almost shyly, repeating, "Partners."

I had one hell of a shock when we turned up for our first day on the job to see Wufei Chang walking through the lobby towards us. Honestly? I hadn't expected to see the guy again. Thought he'd be too ashamed to show his face for a long time. But there he was.

But he was wearing the uniform, of course. I snorted at the sight, seeing the concession to conformity and the necessary nod in the direction of whatever he was throwing himself behind that day. Now, though, I can't help but think -- at least he's honest. Allow me to let you in on a little secret. Heero can't kill people he knows, or people on the same side as him. He can't kill me, he couldn't kill Relena, he spared Zechs... He talks tough, he's all for death threats, but following through? Nope. But Wufei? He's sincere. He's passionate. If he says he's going to kill you, he'll fucking well try to. He's my ally, but I do believe that if it came down to it, he'd kill me if he had to. I'm not saying he wouldn't try to avoid it, understand, but if he felt it was necessary he'd get off his ass and do it. Heero might leave me behind, but after years of working with him I do not believe he could go through with putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger. Wufei would. You gotta respect that.

I'm not saying I want to die -- the idea scares me shitless -- but at the same time, well, you know. You gotta be up to par, right? And danger makes things challenging, and life without challenges is just plain boring. I speak the truth.

That's what life with Heero was like for the first few months at the Preventers. One huge challenge. Exactly what I was looking for. We got a place together, I talked him into it. So we could watch each other's backs, you know. After being a terrorist for a couple of years, it's damn hard to fall asleep at night without knowing there's something keeping you safe. During the war Heero had at least built up enough trust in me to know I'd watch out for him. Now it was over I was determined to get something more out of him, it was my own little challenge to puzzle over.

Nothing happened over missions, of course. That would've just been way out of bounds. No, that was work and I took it seriously. But after the nine-to-five shift, that was something else. Heero wasn't kidding when he said he wanted to learn how to adjust to peace. I mean, he was obsessed with his job and taking out the bad guys, but he was equally obsessed with figuring out what being a civilian could be. I was there to teach him that.

I may have grown up on an L-2 slum, okay, but I still knew what it was like to live a normal life. It sort of got rubbed in your face back then that that was what you couldn't have. There were TV shows in appliance stores and in the motels I got fucked in. There were the guys with money for a whore and some need to make it seem normal by having a "date" first. I can do normal. Heero never had any experience -- at least none he could remember -- of what normal was.

So after work and on days off, I'd take him out to the park or the zoo or a restaurant. The Preventers also paid for us to take classes at the local university, which Heero scrupulously took advantage of. I didn't so much care about that side of the deal; I figured I already knew everything I needed. I got us enrolled in a cooking class, though, you better believe it. No more tasteless protein bars for me, thanks.

Heero needed to learn to appreciate life's pleasures. Including taste. Especially taste -- we both had to eat whatever the other one cooked, and man, for the first month he made the most bland crap ever. But he learned -- hell, he threw himself into it with as much zeal as he ever did a mission. I kept seeing how, Wow, great, Heero's this passionate, decisive guy. You just can't phase him. And that was good; I wanted him to have the upper hand, you know? I knew more about this stuff than he did, sure, but once he learned, and it didn't take long for him to at least pick up the motions of everything, he just kept pounding away as solid as a rock.

I took things slow. I'd touch him every once in a while, just a little longer than I should, or when he wasn't expecting it. Had to be careful there -- got a couple of reflex black eyes when I particularly surprised him. But, again, that was exactly what I wanted -- not because I'm a masochist, thanks -- because overcoming danger to get to a prize makes it that much more sweet, you ever noticed that? And it was what Heero wanted, too. If you're going to get by in the real world, you can't be hurting everyone who shakes your hand funny. There's going to be surprises. I just didn't reckon on what was going to happen after I got through that violent reflexive shell.

One night, about three months into our Preventers stint, I kissed him. His neck. He was washing the dishes after dinner -- and it was March, so it was still dark pretty early, so he was able to see my reflection in the window when I walked up behind him. He met my eyes in the window when I stood there for a few seconds without doing anything; and then I slowly -- so he could see what I was doing in the window -- bent over and kissed his neck.

He didn't smash my face in, but he froze right there. "What are you doing?" he asked, and his voice was cold and numb like it had been when he piloted Zero.

I straightened up, but I put my hands up on his shoulders and grinned at his reflection. "I'm teaching you to be normal. Just like you wanted."

"What are you doing?" Still so tense. Like he had no idea. Right.

"Normal people have relationships," I explained nonetheless. "I'm initiating a relationship with you." I kissed his neck again. Noted the small tremors in his shoulders. "You can say no if you don't like it."

The moment of truth had arrived. Was Duo going to get what he wanted or not? I could feel Heero hesitating, wavering, even as I started kneading his shoulders with my fingers. "I have to do the dishes," he finally grunted and coldly shrugged me off.

"Okay," I replied and backed off. But the offer had been made.

And that night… Yep, you guessed it. I'd just switched off my light when he opened my door -- still hadn't learned to knock, the bastard. He stood there just inside my room without saying anything, but I wasn't out to make things that tough on the guy, so I didn't wait and make him come out and say it. I knew why he was there, so I got up and led him back over to my bed. We sat down on the edge.

"I don't know what to do," he admitted, staring straight ahead at my closet door.

Victory! Triumph! Oh yeah, it was all mine.

"That's what I'm going to teach you," I said, grinning, and kissed him again.

Things…were good. Yeah, not going to lie. For a while things were really good between us. I was actually happy for once in my life. Not getting by, not content, actually happy. That's probably why I said it. I didn't think it was ever going to end. Not me, not now that I had it. I was planning on hanging onto my happiness good and tight.

Heero was a quick study in the sack. I had him figured pretty well. He could get a bit, well, savage, but I could handle that. When things are rough, you can feel 'em all the more, right? I liked it. Besides, if Heero had turned out to be a gentle lover, then I probably would've begun to worry. We knew what the other could handle, and we pushed each other to the limits. Gundam pilots like a challenge, like I've been saying. But already things were changing. Not enough for me to really notice it, though. Maybe it really did only start that day Heero rolled me over in bed and planted himself on my chest to glare into my face.

I glared right back, me. "What d'you want?"

"Are you ever going to leave me?"

That caught me off guard. Sentimental questions coming from Yuy? No way. But he said it with his usual scowl. I stared at him a while, then asked, "You off your rocker?"

"I'm serious. Are you ever going to leave me?"

I rolled my eyes. But I said it. Stupid, without really thinking. Just so we could get on with things. "No. I'm never going to leave you."

And Duo Maxwell doesn't lie. He keeps his damn promises.

I didn't realize until the next day exactly what I'd given up by saying that. But I figured it was no big deal, really. Things were going great. And if they ever slipped Heero wasn't pathetic enough to keep forcing things to continue, right? Yeah… Well, you know, for a while things were still fine. I let it go, didn't worry. But then me and Heero had to head down to Egypt on a mission with a few other teams, including Wufei and Sally.

It was tough, but everything went according to plan. A gang of hodge-podge revolutionaries was scheduled to pick up a load of heavy artillery from an underground weapons manufacturer along the Nile. We headed in, stopped the exchange, made arrests and grabbed the artillery.

But the guy Heero was taking out to the truck had a knife hidden on him we didn't find in time. Stabbed him in the chest. Pierced a lung. Not even the great Heero Yuy can withstand that kind of wound. Lucky for him I was there to take down his attacker before things got out of hand, and Sally, who knows a little more than my basic first aid, was there and able to keep him stable until we got to the hospital.

That was a rough fucking day.

I don't know if anyone else in the Preventers knew how Heero and I were shacking up, but they sure did after that. I was flipping out on the way to the hospital. And then the local medical facility wasn't well enough equipped for the surgery and he had to be flown to fucking Cairo for the operation. I had the shakes while he was under the knife like you wouldn't believe. Sally threatened to sedate me! (I'da liked to see her try.) God, I was so fucking pissed off at him.

Yeah, I know how selfish that is and that he couldn't help it, thanks. But hey, rational's not always my strong point; I feel things strongly and I can't help what I feel. And Heero was my Goddamn rock, he was the one person in my life this kind of shit was not supposed to happen to. I depended on him. And he went down. He went down easy! One lucky shot was all it took to floor him. Yeah, I guess it's pretty ironic considering how hard I'd been working to get above him. It was a day full of irony.

Wufei stayed behind to direct the other teams in cleaning up while me and Sally went with Heero. He arrived while the surgery was still going on, and I was beating up the vending machine in the lobby. Walked in calm as can be, grabbed my wrist before I could punch a hole in the plastic, sat me down, and got me a cup of coffee. Decaff.

Told me to relax as he handed my the cup. "He's going to be fine."

"Look, asshole, you just got here, what do you know about it?!" I snapped, ignoring the coffee and getting up to pace again. Wufei didn't say anything to that, just sat down and gave me this look. Like in my condition my pettiness wasn't even worth responding to. Like I was weak, and I'd be lucky if Wufei didn't lose respect for me then and there and deigned to speak to me again. And the funny thing is, it worked, made me feel like a contrite idiot. I didn't apologize, but I sat down and took the coffee.

"I know because I talked to one of the doctors," he explained. "It's remarkable how much more seriously people take you when you're acting sane."

I glanced over at him and saw the smirk on his face, and for the first time I actually found myself respecting Wufei. Things were comfortable between us that evening, you know? He took up that solid position in my life while Heero was under the knife. Took control, and made things safe and simple.

Around midnight, a couple of hours after Heero had come out of the operating room, I was by his bed when he woke up. He looked around until he saw me, and then he smiled. He actually smiled, and I could see it all. He'd fallen down and opened up, and he was completely human on the inside. Weak and pathetic, just like me. Hard to believe that under all that rock and steel there's a beating human heart and soul, isn't it? It was a revelation for the both of us. But it's there, I've seen it. And I'm sorry to say I don't expect Heero'll be showing it to anyone else in this lifetime either. Not anymore.

I managed some sort of grimace in response, but I wanted to puke. The physical fall I could've handled. It was the emotional fall that got me. I totally misjudged him. I fell for the wrong guy. But it was too late to back out now, and I figured there might still be hope, you know, that things would get back to normal after Heero's recovery.

No such luck. Once Heero had finally found his human side, his inner civilian if you want, he wasn't about to let it go. As soon as he was stable, he was flown to the Preventers medical center, and he was recovering at home within the week. His body was still as quick to heal as ever. But our dynamic was totally thrown and shot to hell. Before, if one of us wanted something, we'd take it. If we wanted different things, we'd fight about it, and Heero was stronger than me so he'd usually win. But all of a sudden, he started deferring to me, asking me what I wanted and offering things up. All of a sudden, it was like he was trying to make us some sick couple from a movie, like one that celebrates Valentine's Day and anniversaries with hearts and roses. It was cheesy, and stupid, and not what I wanted. Not Heero.

But, it was "normal." It was "human." And that, apparently, was what Heero wanted. On some level I was happy for him. I really was, I'm not totally cold-hearted. I think I hid my newfound disgust pretty well for a while, actually. He'd connected with that little bit humanity that J had left him, the stuff that would make it possible for him to get by in the real world if he could learn to cultivate it, and, y'know, I didn't want to crush that and turn him back into a weapon. But it was like he was a whole new person, one I didn't know at all. Not the guy I'd made it my mission to seduce and smack some reality into. He'd ended up finding this on his own, and it turned out to be, well, a lot less than what I'd expected.

What made it worse is that Heero could tell I was disappointed. And with his new ideals in mind, he tried to fix things. And made things worse. I wasn't looking for someone to try. I wanted someone who was always a step ahead of me, not someone who was dragging themselves backward to try and find my level. All the little things he did to try and make me feel better, or happy, or make me love the new him, or whatever the hell he was trying to do, just ended up driving me crazy.

Going to work every day was a blessing, it was the only place where Heero would sort of get back to normal. Still ever-so-serious and still the best shot in the organization. So I could get back to normal too. Banter with him, try and make myself higher and better and all that. But it was a while before he was back at work, three weeks at home, and then another fortnight of only light duty. It felt like literally forever. I mean, it's not like I had to spoon feed the guy or anything, but still everything was different. I was living with a stranger.

And then one night he told me he loved me.

What the hell was I supposed to do?

I lay there blinking at him in the dark. He stared right back at me. He knew I was awake, we'd just had sex and I never drop off that quickly, and he was staring me in the eye.

I didn't say anything.

What the hell was I supposed to do? I don't lie. He knows that. And he knows I didn't answer him. I didn't get much sleep that night. Eventually, when he understood I wasn't going to say anything back, he rolled over. But he didn't go to sleep either. It was the most awkward, uncommunicative night we'd spent together in a long time. Maybe ever. I had to test the bounds. Around 3AM I got out of bed and put on a pair of shoes and walked to the door.

"Where are you going?"

I'd wanted to see if Heero would stop me. He knew I didn't love him, was he really going to try and hold me to my word and hang on? I didn't say anything, just twisted the knob and opened the door, waiting.

"…You said you wouldn't leave," he muttered.

Apparently he was. And that's when I got pissed off. I hate being used, especially by cowards. I got back into bed. I couldn't leave. I'd said I wouldn't. But I couldn't even like Heero anymore, let alone love him. I trusted, though, that he'd eventually understand that, and break things off himself. He's a smart guy, gotta give him that.

But the days dragged by, and he didn't say a word. Just went on as if nothing had changed between us. He can't face it. He's too damn scared. Underneath it all, where he's a human, Heero's a fucking coward. That's why he can't kill anyone he knows. That's why he can threaten and threaten and not do a damn thing, even when you fucking invite him to. Even when you kick him with all you've got, he can't lift a damn finger to save himself.

Okay, so, obviously, I've gotten a little resentful over the last couple of years.

It was during the first few weeks of this, when it got painfully obvious that Heero was not going to give up on making things work between us, that I began to look around for ways of getting under his skin, provoking him. Anything to get a rise that would hint at the old him. A few snide remarks here and there. I even challenged him to a fight a couple of times -- a real fight, not the usual routine training we do. It worked for a while, but then he just stopped rising to the bait and just looked hurt. Only for a second, then he'd be back to his business. And when we got home, he'd do something, like make dinner when it wasn't his turn, or bring home something for dessert, like he was trying to apologize for something I'd done to him! It was ridiculous.

And it was so frustrating! I started making use of the Preventers training courses way more often to burn off steam. Heero did too, but whenever one of us went in for extra sessions it was never at the same time as the other. I turned around and left a few times because I walked in and saw he was already there.

Starting then, Heero and I have had the most fucked up relationship I know of. And it just won't end.

I started seeing a lot more of Wufei once I started training more often. Surprise, surprise, huh? The guy works out like nobody's business; he's practically obsessed. It didn't really mean anything -- we ignored each other for the most part to do our own thing. I never really talked to him back during the war, and we were on the opposite side during the Mariemaia conflict, so I never really got to know him like I did the other pilots. He always seemed pretty boring, to be honest, kinda one-dimensional. At the Preventers we'd been on missions together, but it's not like we'd gotten chummy over the years or anything. When he'd settled me down for a talk at the hospital it had been kind of a one-time thing, even if it had opened me up to some part of him I'd never known before. I still barely knew him, never saw him outside of work or anything. I never really wanted to, until it ended up happening from time to time.

We got into a routine of seeing each other at the gym. I sort of started timing things so I'd be there at the same time as him, making up excuses to stay at work late and stuff so I could go down the block to the Preventer gymnasium and outdoor courses. Even if we were on the other side of the room from each other the silence got a little more friendly, you know?

Sometimes I'd catch myself watching him do his thing instead of concentrating on my own. That was weird. Nobody had distracted me like that since Heero during the war. I started thinking, you know, I gave my word I wouldn't leave, but I never said anything about not cheating. I mean, I guess most people take that for granted, but I was looking to piss Heero off now. And I wouldn't lie about it. No, if I started cheating, I'd want him to know. What would be the point otherwise? It was my loophole. I'd be dead honest about it.

It was just an entertaining thought. Something I'd think about while I was at the course, especially when I started catching Wufei sneaking glances over at me, too. Just a little what-if scenario to play through my head and keep me going. I don't know when I actually got serious about it. It's the sort of thing that sneaks up on you when you're not looking.

I didn't make a big thing of it. I mean, even if I wanted to, everyone knows Wufei's thing about honor and justice. So I didn't try anything physical, I just got to be friends with the guy, started hanging out with him; nothing romantic about it. Sometimes I'd tell Heero I was with Wufei, sometimes I wouldn't bother. It was fun, it was a sort of return to the roles I was used to, only in more normal settings. Like what I had figured Heero and I would end up like ten years down the line if he hadn't gotten stabbed. I was comfortable, and I had my something solid in my life. I could tease Wufei, put him down, and he wouldn't care -- he'd just come right back at me. None of Heero's new concern for not crossing any lines and accidentally hurting someone.

I made a point to myself of checking out other people I met, just to see if I could make something work there instead. But no one really caught my fancy. And if I was going to be serious about this the best way to go would be with someone Heero knew and respected, just to really hammer things home. So nothing really happened.

At home, we argued more often. Heero slowly gave up on most of his attempts to really talk, but he'd stare at me all the time, this wounded look on his face. But he never let go. He did one time sit down and try to have a heart-to-heart. It didn't suit him. I told him so. I actually laughed in his face. It was one of only a few really loud outbursts of mine. After a while, even he was just going through the motions of a relationship -- in my opinion, he's just too scared to actually give it up and move on. And hell, at this point maybe he's just being a little bit spiteful, too. Bastard.

As for me, I found myself slipping back into the attitude I'd had on the streets with the guys who used to pick me up. It was a slow burn. We still slept together; I let Heero touch me, do whatever he wanted. He was obviously trying to keep up some intimacy between us. And he was never the most perceptive of guys when it came to that sort of thing, so maybe he thought he'd succeeded and that things were still sort of working. I don't know. The sex was really all that was tying us together, though. And I'd stopped caring too much for that -- he might as well have thrown me some cash when he was through. It would've been preferable to having breakfast with him the next morning, actually.

I know, I know I got myself into this, I know it's my fault, really, not Heero's. But I'm stuck with him, and at least I can blame him for not letting me go and for clinging to a dead relationship. No respect -- I just have no respect for him. If it weren't for the fact that we're living together I'd probably be able to be indifferent to the guy, let everything go -- hell, we'd probably still be able to work together just fine. Just -- Christ! -- get a clue, buddy!

Well, after being on a low simmer for so long, things finally came to a head again. We were eating dinner, not really talking, when Heero suddenly puts down his cutlery and tells me, "I've decided to leave the Preventers." Just a normal meal and suddenly -- bam! Punch me in the gut, why don't you? I mean, you have to understand that work was the only place where things still felt relatively normal between us. We weren't just going through the motions of a relationship because we didn't know what else to do or were too scared to give it up, we were actually interacting and doing our job. And suddenly that's going away? Without it even going up for discussion?

"Oh," I said. Like I didn't care. I could have blown up, yeah, but instead I put down my knife and fork, clenched my fists in my lap where they weren't noticeable, and coolly asked, "How come?"

He shrugged. Real expressive, Heero. "I don't need them anymore." Implication: Duo needs them.

"What, that's it?" I demanded. Loudly. Hey, the explosion had to come eventually, you know.

Heero stared at me, and in that righteous, rational way of his, reminded me, "I thought we were both of the understanding that it was going to be a temporary position. A way of easing into the civilian world."

"Don't fucking patronize me, pal. I know what we said."

"Well then? I'm finally ready to be a civilian."

"Fucking hell, Heero, it's not about that!" I yelled, watching my fists jump out of my lap and smash into the table, making the plates jump. "You don't fucking get it! You're fucking clueless!"

I could see the surprise. It had been ages since we actually let loose and screamed at each other. We'd been wrapped up in strained civility and pretend and silence for months. And I could see the hurt. I was disgusted. And I was hurt too. But pissed off, mostly. I was just so -- furious. Honestly, just looking back on it brings back the same shot of adrenaline and angry revulsion. I walked right out of there.

"Duo!" Heero's strained voice was close behind me. "Duo, don't leave! What is it about?"

Desperate to understand, to please, to reconcile. No good, buddy; no fucking good. That's just part of the problem, don't you see? You're trying too hard. You're not you. You're just some fake stepping in to fill the hole. God, I wish. I'd take a fake over what Heero's turned himself into any day because this is actually real. He's actually pathetic. A civilian who's getting weaker every day.

You can guess where I went. I got out of the apartment and into the maze of alleyways and back streets where Heero wouldn't find me. That's how I made my way over to the Preventers training course. Honestly, I was just going there to burn off some steam, I didn't intend to seek him out or anything until I got there and actually saw him.

It was getting on nine o'clock by then, but Wufei was still there, pounding away at himself. The place was abandoned except for him, and the stark fluorescent lights weren't doing his looks any favors. The shadows they threw onto his proud features exaggerated the line of his nose and etched deep into his scowl, giving him the same wicked features of a crow. I stopped and stared anyway.

He was going through some kind of martial arts forms, ripping through the air with a vengeance. He was so into them, I think it actually took him a few minutes to notice me. Or maybe he knew I was there the whole time and just couldn't be bothered by my presence. Dunno. He stopped after a while, standing with his back towards me.

"Hey, Chang," I called, teasingly, "You always here this late?"

"I just got back from a mission," he growled, reluctantly turning around. "Is there a problem?"

"Nah." I moved forward, deeper and deeper into the danger zone. There's no denying it was a turn on. "Well, not unless you've got one. You mind my watching you or something?"

"I don't consider my exercises a spectator sport, Maxwell. If you're here to do something, do it."

"Don't rush me, now; I'm getting there." I grinned, and made no secret of it as I let my eyes rove up and down, examining the taut build of Wufei's body. He shifted pretty uncomfortably under the scrutiny. His eyes narrowed and fastened onto my face as I took another step towards him.

"What are you doing?" he demanded dangerously. Like he was gonna beat me to a pulp if he didn't like my answer. That kind of dangerous.

"Look, I've had a rough couple of months, I'm just looking to let off some pressure." I had to be honest. The only way to win Wufei around would be to win his respect, and I'd have to tell the 100 percent truth to do that. "You've just got back from a mission, you've gotta cool down too, right?"

"Are you trying to convince me to sleep with you?!" He was completely incredulous, and backed away from me pretty quick. "Look, Maxwell, I know you and Heero have been going through a rough patch -"

"Try a rough relationship," I interjected.

"- but I'm not going to get involved and make things worse."

"Wufei. Trust me. Things are about as bad as they can get, okay? If anything, I think I can pretty much guarantee that anything you do with me will be a step towards making things better."

"Get out of here, Maxwell. Go make things up with your lover." He turned his back on me. And then I did what may have been the riskiest thing I've ever done in my life.

I jumped on him.

Don't ask me what I was thinking, because I wasn't thinking at all. Wufei reacted on instinct, throwing me off of him and onto the floor. The back of my head smacked hard against the textured surface of the gym floor. I might've blacked out for a second or two, I'm not sure, but I definitely saw spots if nothing else.

Wufei was back kneeling beside me the next second, cursing soundly as he checked me over. "Goddamn it, Maxwell, you idiot! How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Three," I grunted, gingerly lifting my head to rub at the developing lump.

"Right, follow it," he continued, and moved his index finger slowly back and forth in front of my eyes. I did it for a couple of seconds to make him happy, then reached up and grabbed his hand.

"Are you finished yet? I'm fine."

"Let go, Duo."

"Kiss me first," I dared him.

Angry again, he yanked on his hand, but I held fast. He was pretty good at pretending he wasn't interested, but I could see his eyes begin to waver as I began to rub my thumb across his knuckles. I expect Wufei was getting a bit tired of spending his nights alone. "Come on, Wufei, just one kiss. And if you don't like it, after that I promise I won't harass you anymore."

"It wouldn't be right," he snarled, and tugged his hand out of my grasp. But I could still move just as fast as he could, and I surged off the floor to plant my mouth against his. He faltered and stilled, so I looped my hand around to the back of his neck to gently tug his hair loose and massage his scalp.

Wufei was just beginning to warm up to it when Heero finally burst in. Well, he didn't make quite so dramatic an entrance as that, actually. Wufei and I didn't even notice him until he grabbed Wu by the shoulders and shoved him away. Still attached enough to have a jealous streak, I guess.

"What do you think you're doing?!" he shouted in Wufei's face, shaking the poor guy while he yelled. You should've seen it; it sank into Wufei's brain what happened, and he just turned stark white. I still feel guilty about it…but I needed to do that. I needed to.

"Take a pill, Heero," I called. I admit it, I was glad the guy showed up. And with really great timing -- I couldn't have done better if I'd planned it. "Wufei didn't have anything to do with it."

He spun around to face me and I smirked lazily up at him, really reveling in the moment, you know? He glared at me for a second, and then his face -- I dunno -- it just sort of crumpled. Those great blue eyes of his just kinda blinked out, and he asked, "Why do you hate me?"

"It's not that I exactly hate you, babe," I explained. "I just don't think you're worth it." And what do you do with things that aren't worthy? That don't live up to their proclaimed value? "Normally I'd chuck something like that…but I'm stuck with you, aren't I? Promises, promises. So I've gotta find some other way of dealing with you. Don't I?"

His fists were twitching at his sides, you know, itching to mop the floor with my face. I stood up. "Punch me if you want to, Heero, if it'll make you feel better. If you've got the guts, great, maybe I can finally respect you for something."

For a second, it really looked like he was going to. I was tingling with the anticipation of it, tensing up for the blow. It never came. Heero turned around and walked hurriedly back in the direction he'd come from.

I turned to Wufei. "It turns out he's a coward. Never saw that one coming; did you? Can't exactly love him now, can I?"

I didn't expect sympathy from Wufei, and I didn't get it. He's too honor-bound for that sort of thing, I don't think he really got what I was talking about. He was looking at me with the same disgust that I have when I look at Heero. "He's finally discovered his heart, Maxwell, and the very first chance you get you try to crush it. What kind of pig -- what kind of rat -- does that? The next time you scheme to break someone's heart, leave me out of it."

Brisk footsteps controlled by a brutal anger carried Wufei away from the gymnasium, and away from me.

"I made a promise I wouldn't leave him," I called after him, not trying to justify myself, just to let him know. "So he's gotta be the one to go." Wufei didn't even look back at me. Not that I blame him. I'm attracted to the guy, there's no denying that -- he's just as brutally honest as I am, and stronger than anyone else that I know. But I used him, it's true. No good's going to come of that. Especially when I'm still tied to someone too afraid and too stubborn to leave.

I hung around the gym for a while. Ran the course a few times. Tried to imitate what I'd seen Wufei doing earlier in the evening, but I couldn't get the hang of it. And when I was finally exhausted, I headed back home too.

Heero was in the living room with a lamp on, staring at the door and waiting for me to come in. "We need to talk," he said bluntly. He stared at me, waiting for me to sit down. I didn't. So he dived in. "I'll stay at the Preventers if you want me to, Duo."

God, I thought, there he goes again. "I don't. I want you to do what's going to make you happy. Leave the fucking Preventers. Leave me."

"But you're what makes me happy." He stared at me again, that little kid back again.

"You're happy with this?!" I was trying to make the guy see sense here!

"I was. I will be again, if you would just try."

"You answer me one thing. Who the hell are you? Is this who you really are, or are you just pretending because you think it's right? Huh? You answer me!"

He just stared up at me, shaking his head in bewilderment. "It's me, Duo. I'm Heero. You're the one who helped me learn who I am. I need you. Why do you want to hurt me? We can be happy. I don't understand."

"You fucking tricked me! You lied to me! You pretended to be strong, and you fucking tricked me into this. So. You wanna be with me? I can't walk away from you. But I can make your life hell, just like I did today. I'll do it again, and if you won't leave me you'll have to watch me every damn day for the rest of your life. Because you know what? This is who I am, too. And thank you, Heero, for helping me find that out."

I rubbed him raw with that one. Truth hurts, it cuts way deeper than lies. I could see it hit home, see the way his face twisted and his hands clenched. For all Heero claimed he loved me, I could see right then that he hated me too, maybe without even realizing. Maybe that's why he won't leave, in the end. Or maybe it's still just because he's scared of finding out what's waiting for him when he's all alone out there. It's impossible to know for sure, I guess.

But in that second when I could see him hate me and see him seek revenge, he said the same thing he's been telling me since the day I met him: "I'll kill you someday."

Well, I'm standing right here waiting for you. Have been for a long time. And probably the only reason I am is because I know. I know you, Heero. And, you know what?

"No you won't."

You'll continue with your little charade. It's time you knew that too.

-end-