The Art of Moving On
By: Riley
Summary – People always say relationships work because the two people in them understand sacrifices have to be made for each other. Maybe that was the problem, too. –Long one-shot-
With an angry grunt, Kendall pulled off his helmet and whipped it across the rink. It skidded across the bumpy ice floor and crashed into the board with a resounding 'thwack'. For a moment his team mates eyes turned to him but they didn't rest there long. Every now and then they had a bad day and this time it seemed to be Kendall's turn.
"Killer!"
Kendall's shoulders hitched up underneath his pads when he heard his coach calling his name. He turned around to find Coach Upton place one hand on his hip, the other beckoning Kendall his way. With a sigh, Kendall brought his gloved hand up to his mouth and spat out his mouth guard before using his teeth to take off his gloves.
Craig Lincoln, the first string goalie, grabbed Kendall's shoulder as he started to pass, bringing him to a stop. Miles Anderson and Bobby Harrison, Left and Right wings respectively, stopped around him as well. "I don't know what you've managed to do within the last thirty seconds, dude, but I think you've pissed him off."
"More pissed than I already am?" Kendall muttered in replied. He ran a hand through his hair, the strands sticking up off his forehead.
"Oh yeah, we all noticed," Miles pointed out. He sniffed loudly, turned, and hocked it onto the ice where the edges started to freeze. "I'm surprised you didn't take the defensemen out all on your own." He held up a gloved hand. "Thank God I wasn't going against you."
"Yeah and something tells me that those guys aren't going to be forgiving you anytime soon," Bobby laughed, motioning over to the team trainer, who was gently yet firmly pushing back the arm of one of their defensive players. "He hit the ice so hard I thought you knocked him out. What's going on with you?"
"I'm having a really bad day," Kendall replied. He shook his head. "I don't know what it is. But nothing I've been doing today has been working out. I feel like I'm constantly falling on my skates." Coach Upton called for him again and he slapped his hands to his sides. "Unbelievable!"
"Well, think of it this way, Kendall." Craig burst out laughing. "You might have a career as an enforcer."
Kendall laughed hollowly, told his friends and teammates he would see them later, and glided over to Coach Upton, who grabbed him by the shoulder as soon as he reached his side. "What's going on with you?" He demanded. "I'm bringing you up to be first string center and you're acting like you've only just stepped into a pair of skates."
"I don't know, coach," Kendall said. "I'm just having an off day. I don't really feel like myself."
Coach Upton nodded as he stared at Kendall, jaw working on a piece of gum. Despite the hardened expression on his face never changing, Coach Upton's tone was more sympathetic when he spoke next. "I think I know what's going on."
"You do?" Kendall asked. Even he wasn't sure what it was.
"Yessir." Placing his hands on his hips, Coach Upton lowered his head for a second. Then he turned his attention to the team as they ambled into the locker room, talking and laughing. "Kendall, you're still worried that you can't keep up. We all know that you haven't played as much as these guys while you were in that band. We all know that. But you need to stop letting that hold you back. You've been on this team for a year now, you're in shape, and you're playing great." He reached up and tapped Kendall's forehead. "You're too stuck in here and what everyone else thinks. All that matters is what you think and how you're playing and you're playing just as well if not better than some of these guys who have been playing for years and years and years. It's not just the amount of time you put into it, you have to have talent too. And if I'm not mistaken the talent seems to run in your family."
Kendall sighed through his nose, nodding as he lowered his head. Everyone in Minnesota knew who his father was, not many people in the hockey world could look at him and not say something about Kevin 'Bloody Knuckles'—or, as other people called him, Kevin 'The Kanon'—Knight. Being compared to his father was something he always had to live up to and now it seemed to be getting worse. Throwing in the taunts of being in a former boy band on top of that was enough to make him want to punch someone. Maybe he did allow himself to take it out on other people sometimes, but Coach Upton was right. He was too into his head. But he had always been like that when playing hockey. If he did something wrong, no matter how well he and his best buds played, he beat himself up about it for days and refused to make the same mistake next time.
"Don't be so hard on yourself, you're doing fine. Now, go home. You've been here long enough."
Kendall nodded and skated across the ice to get his helmet. Picking it up, he went back to the opening of the ice and walked to the locker room. Ducking out of the way of flying towels and shampoo bottles he went to his locker and started to pull off his gear.
"So what'd the coach say?" Craig asked, peering up at him as he sat on his bench. Kendall turned to reply then stared when he saw the roll of duct tape in his hands. An evil laugh escaped Craig's lips as he pulled out a strip. "When Johnson comes out of the shower we're going to hold him down and tape his ass cheeks together."
Kendall laughed along with him and shook his head. He didn't need a further explanation. "He says he's in my head too much," he explained. "Which is weird because hockey used to clear my head. It always helped when I was in LA."
"Maybe because you think of hockey as two different things," Craig suggested. "Here it's a sport, something that you're well known for. Something that you've always loved as far as rumors go." Kendall nodded. Craig was from Nevada and had been accepted into the Minnesota Magicians team a few years before, traded from his home team; the Las Vegas Storm. When the two first met, Craig had surprised Kendall of showing his knowledge of a lot of his personal stats while Kendall had only known of those that were from his area of Minnesota. "But when you were in LA, doing everything that constitutes being in a band and everything, your focus shifted so that it was something you did to get away from it. You're 20 right?"
Kendall nodded.
"So you've only been playing again for a year or so. It takes time to get used to things. I wouldn't blame you if you were still homesick." He ripped off a long piece of tape as the shower stopped running, the evil grin coming to his face once more. "I wonder if Johnson has ever had a wax. With that much body hair…"
"Hey, Lincoln?" Kendall got his attention. "How did you get over having moved from your home? I mean, Las Vegas isn't that close to Minnesota."
Craig through for a moment. "I stay busy. I call home. My family comes to visit as much as they can. But I do miss home. I don't know anyone that's moved or has been traded to another team that hasn't missed home at some point or another. You just figure out what works for you. But, hey, when I turn 21, I'm taking the entire team to Vegas!" With that, he rushed out of the locker area to the showers.
Kendall smiled, listening to the commotion of his teammates and changed his clothes. He frowned, taking the apron that went with his job, Sherwoods. He had hoped when joining the team he could leave the job behind, but now it took most of his day when he wasn't practicing at night, or traveling for games. It wasn't that he disliked the job, it was a job, but the amount of fans that managed to find him was starting to get old. As were the joking comments from his co-workers: "The band must not have worked out if you're coming back here".
Kendall shook his head and left the arena, bidding goodbye to the security and janitorial staff, then got into his car and headed back to his apartment. Not really his car or his apartment; both were lent to him by Kevin. The first year he started junior hockey he lived in an apartment with Craig, Bobby, and Miles, after that they were to find their own forms of housing. Some of the team moved in with host families, others stayed in their original apartment, others moved somewhere else; Kendall was given the apartment his Dad had lived in when he stayed in Minnesota—after having left his family years before—and gave Kendall a car to get around as well. It was a great gesture and greatly helped as he didn't have to pay much rent—at first Kevin refused to take Kendall's money, but Kendall insisted and he at least took a couple hundred dollars from him per month.
Shaking his head, Kendall closed his eyes as he pulled up to a stop light, just before his apartment. He wanted nothing more than to go to sleep and not worry anymore. Tomorrow's another day, it's not a big deal, he reminded himself. But his heart wasn't in it.
Arriving at the apartment, Kendall opened the door and dropped his keys and wallet onto the table just by the door, dropped his hockey bag to the ground, and shuffled into the living room. Looking over, he sighed heavily when he found his girlfriend curled up on the couch, a blanket draped over her arms. Swiveling in the other direction he found the kitchen table filled with two plates of food which was probably long past cold. Twisting his mouth to the side, Kendall walked over to her and shook her shoulder. "Hey Riles, wake up."
Riley blinked open her eyes and shifted them his way before stretching. She sat up and smoothed her hair out of her face. "Hey," she greeted him then frowned, still a little sleepy. At least she's getting some sleep, Kendall reminded himself. "Practice ran late?"
"Yeah, a lot later than I thought it would," Kendall said. He flopped down next to her as if the weight of the world pushed him down. "We have a big game coming up this weekend so Coach wants to make sure we're ready for it." He bobbed his head back and forth. "And apparently today I wasn't, not really." He reached out and ran a hand through her hair, running a few strands of her dyed red hair through his fingers, playing with the strips. "I'm sorry I didn't make it back in time for dinner. That seems to be happening a lot lately."
He didn't mention how many times the two made plans for the day then found it had to be cancelled due to an extra shift he had to pick up or for a practice scheduled earlier. It was hard enough.
"It's not your fault, Hockey-Head," Riley reassured him. He cringed and her eyebrows rose as she tilted her head to the side. "If I thought it was, I can't guarantee you'd be alive right now." She laughed and Kendall chuckled quietly. Then her face turned serious and righted her head. "What's wrong? You look like something's bugging you."
He hated how she could do that. If it weren't for that damn tattoo on his shoulder as a restatement to the fact he wore his heart on his sleeve, he would've rather wear a hockey mask all the time. As it was, he wasn't sure how to talk about it. But that was the point of their friendship within their relationship; when he wasn't sure how to go about something or didn't know how to work out his feelings about something she seemed to help.
"I don't even know," he admitted. "Is it possible for something to bother you and you aren't even sure what it is?"
"You've never had that feeling before?" She shot back.
"Not that I've ever noticed," Kendall said lamely. "Normally I would already know what it is." He paused. "Normally it'd be Gustavo." Right about now he kind of wished the music producer was yelling at him and running his life. He ran his hands over his face. "I don't know. I'm just…I'm just tired. I'm tired of not knowing what I want. I'm tired of constantly wondering if I made the wrong decision of coming out here. I'm tired of wondering if the guys are okay, if Mom and Katie are okay, if you guys are okay, if the girls are okay. But at the same time I'm tired of letting everything back in LA run my life so much." He took a deep breath. "When I moved out to LA from Minnesota it was like everything and everyone back in Minnesota were gone. My old friends didn't talk to me as much as they used to, no one came to visit, when we did our shows out there it was like we had become untouchable celebrities and no one could speak to me like a normal person. All they wanted to know was whether or not I could get them tickets, if I could help them meet someone, what being on tour was like. Jenny Tinkler was the only one that really seemed to be the same and that's saying something considering she's managed to put nearly everyone she's met in a coma."
"That's basically what happens," Riley said slowly. She thought for a moment. "I mean, of the friends I still have in Australia, there were plenty more that couldn't deal, yeah? With the fame…with the infamy…" She rolled her eyes. "There are always celebs who are going to have a story of the people that tried to mooch off them. But if I remember correctly, boofhead," Riley reached out and pressed his hair down into his face, he batted her hand away. "You don't consider yourself a celebrity."
"I don't," Kendall admitted. When he first met Riley and her siblings he was surprised to find they were adamant of keeping themselves from being called a celebrity. It wasn't until he had a taste of the fame that he didn't either. He became uncomfortable when a lot of people did things for him he could handle himself. And he wasn't in nearly high enough demand as Lady Gaga or Blake Shelton, or Maroon 5 to be considered as close. He found it was the public perception that was hard. "And I don't think I ever will. But it's hard, and it sucks to come back home and have so many people act like giant turds all the time. The guys on my team are the only ones that are treating me normally."
"What about your Dad?"
Kendall shrugged dismissively. "He's treating me as well as he can, considering we don't really have a relationship."
"I thought that was the point of him coming back here with you?"
"That was just so I wasn't out here alone. You know Mom wouldn't let me do that."
"And she has a good reason for it, mate," Riley pointed out. "But I can tell that's not all that's bothering you."
With a burst of emotion, Kendall pushed himself off the couch and started to pace. "I'm being pulled in one hundred different directions all the time and being run into the ground. I know hockey was going to be hard, but not this hard. Day after day I feel like I'm falling apart. I've been playing for a year and you'd think I'd be used to it by now but I'm not. Sometimes I even dread it. When I'm not questioning it. What did I do in life to deserve all of this? Any of it? What did I do to deserve being able to be with my best buds for the last four years and make some of the best music I've liked to listen to and have some of the best times I've ever had. I've met some of the best friends I've ever had and I know you're all going to be there for me. But why should I have all of that? Why should I be on this team? I'm not that good! The rest of these guys are great and keep improving and I don't!
"Instead, my heart isn't in it. Because I'm so preoccupied with so many other things. And that's my own fault, I know that. And having you here, I thought it was going to make things better. I thought that I could finally relax and be myself. But every time you're here things start out great and then you're constantly left here by yourself. And I don't want you to wait for me all the time. I don't want you to sit around the apartment watching TV or having to work on your music over the computer, and constantly stress over the things that you do for me. I can't. I can't keep coming back here and seeing you sleeping on the couch. I'm tired of having to make plans with you and then have to cancel them because something comes up because then you wasted your money and time when you could've been with your family or working on your career rather than waiting for me." Kendall shook his head. "I'm just tired. I don't…I don't want to deal…I don't want to do it anymore."
Silence stretched out between the two of them. A strange silence. He expected her to say something that would make him feel better. Or get up from the couch and wrap her arms around him in a hug, allowing him to be vulnerable and let out his feelings. Just like she had done when he finally allowed himself to express the feelings of ranger and hurt he felt when his father left him, his sister, and his mother. Lifting his head, he watched as Riley watched him, eerily silent through his rant. Her face, which her expression, which had been lighthearted before was now intensely somber.
Kendall watched as her shoulders stiffened and she lifted his eyes to his, the bright light in them dimming. "Are you breaking up with me?" She asked slowly.
Kendall placed his hands over his face. He hoped she hadn't asked the question so directly, only because he had no idea how to answer the question if it were ever asked. Did he want to break up with her? No. But maybe it as the best thing to do. They weren't miserable by any means but there certainly were things he wasn't happy about. How many times did he come back to his place after practice and find her sleeping on the couch with dinner waiting on the table far beyond cold? How many times did they make plans for the two of them that had to be broken due to a last minute commitment with the hockey team or a last minute phone meeting or video conference call she had to make back to LA or Australia? How many times did they go days without seeing each other when she was out there to visit because of their intense schedules?
More than he'd care to admit.
And it happened more often than not within the last few times she visited Minnesota.
It wasn't so bad when it was his mother and Katie; his Mom took care of him no matter what. She worked to clean his apartment and organize things to make it easier for him. Katie would go to every one of his practices when she was there, cheering him on and telling him what he should and shouldn't do to increase his awareness of being on the team. She wasn't officially his Talent Manager but she knew what she was talking about. But he wasn't dating them, they were his family and they were all each other had for years.
This was different.
"I don't want to," he said.
"But you're breaking up with me?"
He could've answered the question honestly, saying he wasn't entirely sure. He was so confused. He didn't know what he felt. Instead he changed the subject, turning it back to her a little bit. "You've broken up with me before," he said to her. Riley's face screwed up in confusion and he rushed to remind her. "Remember after the thing that happened with us and Jo and Lucy and you said I needed time to myself?"
"We weren't even dating then," Riley pointed out.
"That's all up to a matter of opinion don't you think?"
"That's not funny, Kendall."
"I'm not trying to be funny; I'm trying to be honest. Honest about being confused." He scrubbed his face and scalp with his fingers. "I don't know what to do. I'm tired of worrying whether or not you're angry or disappointed when I'm late or busy. I know it's really hard for you to continue working on your music from here on a laptop than actually being in a studio or being able to be at a meeting in person. And you miss your family. I know you miss them every time you leave because, band aside, you're constantly talking to them. It's starting to affect you; I know it is because you're barely able to keep a smile on your face the longer you're here."
Riley threw her hands into the air, now fed up. "So excuse me for not being 100% happy every time I'm out here. Being in the music industry is a tough business; I'm used to not having everything work out the way I expect or want it to. But I'm not going to fucking give up on things the second they don't work out. I've never been that kind of person."
"I'm not giving up on us, Riles," Kendall said.
"Well you've got a funny way of showing it." Her eyes then widened. "Actually, no…" she said slowly, quietly. "This is just like you!" She climbed off the couch and pointed at him. "You did the same thing when Griffin stopped Big Time Rush before your big concert. You just rolled over and took it. Then with Jo. You were…so insecure about the way things were going to go when she announced that she was going to New Zealand that you tried to get her to break up with you because you run away from your problems."
"I didn't want to hold her back," Kendall insisted.
"And you did the same thing with Lucy and Jo and me." She held up her hands as Kendall started to protest. "I know I promised I would never bring that up in conversation again but I couldn't help it because I never realized until now that you do run from your problems. Your problems. Whenever it's some else you can jump on it to help in a second, but not when it's you."
"And you don't do the same thing?" Kendall asked. "You had a mental breakdown because you didn't tell anyone you were having problems."
"That wasn't me running from it; that was me wanting to help everyone else first. I wanted my brothers and sister to be happy. Do you think I'd be happy knowing there were things going on with them that I couldn't help in some way?" Riley paused, instantly realizing how much of a hypocrite she was being. "Okay, maybe I have that problem, too," she admitted. "But at least I'm working on it." She lifted her chin and looking him square in the eye, her eyes flashing dangerously. "You want to break up. Fine."
With that, Riley got up from the couch and went to the bedroom. Kendall followed her and watched as she pulled her suitcase out from the closet and flipped open the top, starting to stuff the mesh pocket with dirty clothes she had worn the last few days she had been there.
"What are you doing?"
"Packing my bags, what does it look like?"
"You don't need to pack—"Kendall was at a loss for words. What was he going to do now? How could he fix this? He was being honest, saying what he felt but…he hadn't ever felt so lost before. "Can we just talk? We've always been able to talk. Even when we're mad at each other. We've always been able to work things out, Riles."
"That's where you're wrong, Kendall" She kept her face away from him. "Because I'm not mad. I'm not the slightest bit angry. I'm too upset to be angry. And I know you know that. Just as I know you know that I'm only a few seconds away from crying. But I understand. I understand what it is you want and what you need." A sad smile came to her face as if to prove her point. "Kendall, ever since I met you, you have told me over and over…and over and over again…that 'opportunities like this come once in a lifetime'. When you started your band…when you persuaded Jo to take the movie deal…whenever I or someone else is hesitant about doing something. Not to mention you always have a way of calling me out on things I'm afraid of. I was afraid to start dating you because I was afraid I was going to hurt you or you were going to hurt me and you helped me through that. You were afraid of coming back to Minnesota for hockey because you were afraid you were going to fail. You haven't. And I'm not going to be the reason that you do. I'm not going to stand in the way of something you love."
"I love you," Kendall said.
"I know. I love you, too." Finally her resolve broke and she lowered her head. He could hear her sniffle quietly. "And I've always been afraid of you hurting me. Because I'm used to being hurt. Sooner or later the people I love end up leaving me. I guess I've grown used to it even though I thought you would be different. But if you need time out what it is that you want…your career or me….then that's fine. You can figure it out." She brought a hand up to scratch her forehead, covering the tears that slid down her cheeks. Kendal opened his mouth to protest but Riley beat him to it. "I'm not giving you a bloody ultimatum, Kendall. I'm not saying if you choose your career you can't have me or vice versa, it's not an end all be all." She sniffed again, dropping her hand as the tears fell. Her voice wobbled. "Because I know even if we're not a couple we're still going to be part of each other's lives. We're still going to be close. Just like we promised we would. And that's fine. I intend to keep that promise"
"Oh my God!" Kendall ran his hands over his face, realizing he was crying, too.
His hands slipped over the wet tears that leaked down to his chin. He seriously hadn't expected the conversation to go this way. He had thought they could talk through his insecurities and his worries and somehow find a way to make it okay.
"Why are you doing this?" He asked. "Why are you hurting me like this?" He dropped his hands from his face, clenching his hands into fists. "I hate this about you," he said. "I hate how you always push whatever you're feeling so deep down and act like it was your choice for the other person to be happy. I hate that you won't ever let me do anything for you. You never let me do anything for you. Why? It's always you doing something for me. All the time! It makes me feel guilty, sometimes, you know? And I can't stand knowing I have that guilt constantly inside. I can't stand knowing that you're always the one that gets to sacrifice what you're doing so I can be happy. Why won't you let me make you happy sometimes? Jesus." He paced back and forth, angry grunts escaping his lips. Then he let out a frustrated yell. "I just wanted to talk. I wanted to be able to talk through this. You're supposed to leave until the end of the week." Frustrated, Kendall whirled around to face her. "I don't want you to leave!" He practically shouted.
Riley could barely hold her temper either, his frustration rubbing off on her. "THEN WHY ARE YOU PUSHING ME AWAY?!" Her head hurt. She was being a hypocrite about that, too. Since they first met she continuously pushed him away. Held him at an arm's length so he wouldn't get hurt. Now she knew how that felt. "You have to play hockey, Kendall. I know that. I know you."
"And I know you, Riles," Kendall shot back. "I know it's hurting you that I'm not around all the time. That it's even harder because you're constantly going back and forth from Australia to LA and now you have to add Minnesota in there, too. I know it's hard for you to see everyone else back in LA with whomever they're dating and you can't. So why won't you fucking admit it?!"
"Because I don't want to break up!" Riley replied. She brought her hands up and pushed her hair out of her face, giving him a quick glimpse at both of her eyes as they were usually partially hidden behind her fringe. "But it looks like we don't really have a choice, yeah?"
All the fight was drained out of him. He wasn't sure he would be able to form any words if he tried.
Riley stared at him. He wished she would do something. Say something. Scream at him, yell, punch him. Anything. But she stared at him with a blank look on her face then finally reached up behind her neck and unfastened her necklace from around her neck. As she walked to him, Kendall was sure he was seconds away from being punched in the stomach. A part of him wished she would.
But Riley grabbed onto his hand, opened and slapped her necklace into the palm; the one he had given her for their sixth month anniversary. Kendall took in a deep breath and closed his hand over it, looking into Riley's eyes.
"Have a good time," she said. "Play hard." Her voice cracked and he could see her lower lip tremble as tears finally fell down her cheeks. This time she didn't brush them away. Openly crying, she turned on her heel and grabbed her bag, hoisting it over her shoulder. Kendall moved to help her with her backpack but she stopped him. "Don't. Please don't." She grabbed her phone on her way out the door.
"Will you call me to let me know you got back okay?" Kendall asked, taking a step forward.
Riley paused, continuing to keep her back turned to him. She brought her hand up to her neck, quickly dropping it again when her fingers brushed over the solitary piece of jewelry against her collarbone. "No," she finally said then left the apartment without a backwards glance.
Kendall walked over to the door and placed his hand against it, closing it. Then he rested his forehead against the cool metal, turned around, pressed his back against it, and slid to the floor. He brought his knees up and wrapped his arms around them before pressing his tear-soaked face into his jeans.
Everything around him was still.
"Do you think he would care if I borrowed some of his deodorant?"
"Just as long as you don't borrow his underwear."
"That only happened once! Okay? Can't we move past that?"
"They were warm when you gave them back."
"I just got them out of the dryer."
"If you say so."
Kendall paused outside of his apartment door for a moment. He briefly wondered if he was so tired that he was imagining his best friend's voices. But then came to realize they really were there in Minnesota considering how much of James's music he could hear being played from his cell phone. From what Logan told him in his last phone call, James constantly had ear buds in his ears, listening to his own music. Not in a vain way, but to be sure it was perfect. He had a lot of pressure put upon him for being solo.
Kendall had barely opened the door before he was swept up into Carlos's arms and was lifted off his feet, swung back and forth. He was aware Carlos was saying something about 'it's good to see you' and 'you've gotten so big' and something like 'I missed you so much'. But that was all he managed to hear before a ringing in his head signaled Carlos was squeezing him so tightly it was cutting off his breathing.
"Carlos," Kendall managed to wheeze out. "Please tell me you haven't been hanging around Freight Train lately."
"Carlos, let him go!" Logan declared. "You don't want to kill him on our first day here, do you?"
Kendall sucked in a deep breath of air when Carlos finally set him back on the floor. It was then he realized the shortest member of Big Time Rush looked bigger. His arms were certainly bigger, shoulders were pulled back, chest more defined. It wouldn't have been so weird to notice if James hadn't shoved his fitness in the boys' face for years. "Have you been going to the gym?"
"Yeah, James hooked me up with his trainer," Carlos said.
"You're working out with Patrick now?"
"Other than Pat," James explained. "I have another trainer that I work with when he's in Australia. And to answer your unasked question, I've been keeping an eye on him and Katie. Things are progressing slowly." Kendall laughed when James gave him a thumbs up.
"Thanks for that," he said. "How's Mom? How's Jo?"
"Mama Knight is still wondering what else she can do to the house," Logan reported, sliding his hands into the back pockets of his jeans. "Seeing if she can talk Katie into going to college since she's graduating next year. Working on some other business prospects." Kendall nodded. His Mom did mention she wanted to talk to him about something important the next time they spoke.
"Jo's fine," James said dismissively as he always did when Kendall asked about his ex-girlfriend. Kendall rolled his eyes. It wasn't like he was going to suddenly pop out and put good use to their Guy Code rule of not dating anyone's ex…not for the next five years anyway. "No, seriously. All of the girls are doing great." He snapped his fingers. "Oh! And you heard about Dak and Rhu?"
"Yes," Kendall agreed with a nod. He had heard that Dak was planning on proposing to Rhuben by Christmas time. He had asked Riley for help to pink out the engagement ring and asked Kendall—though a big prematurely—to figure out the music arrangement for the actual day. And she hadn't even said yes, yet! "Yeah, I heard about that. It's good for them!" He then paused, eyes shifting back and forth over their faces. "So…what are you doing here?"
"Oh!" Carlos beamed. "We came to cheer you up." James and Loan both rolled their eyes, slapping themselves on the forehead. Carlos's smile faded and then he recovered by saying, "We haven't seen each other in a long time. And Mama Knight mentioned you had a few days break coming up and it would be a good idea if we came to see you!" He threw his arms out and grinned like a Vegas show girl. "And here we are!"
Kendall laughed at Carlos's exuberance.
After a hard practice that day, he really did need it.
"Unless you already had plans," Logan said, always the polite one. "If that's the case, we can just check into the hotel and—"
"You're not staying in a hotel, you're staying here. The guest room is empty and the couch is free. It'll be like old times. Except we won't have Katie yelling at us to keep it down and Mom wont' be spending all of her money on pizza. I will." He thought for a moment. "As a matter of fact, I know a place we can go." With that, he took his keys and led the boys out of the apartment building and to his car. He drove to the local pizza joint, one the boys frequented when they were growing up in Minnesota, and got a table.
Before they knew it, time flew by and they talked about everything; what they would be doing within the next year, Logan's studies, things he missed with his friends, things they missed while in Minnesota. And they reminisced about things they had done before and after making it as Big Time Rush, he had forgotten how much mischief the boys had gotten into while growing up in St. Paul. The city probably threw a party when they left. Then the conversation winded down and judging by the way Logan was looking at him, Kendall was sure he knew what conversation topic was coming up next.
"What?" He asked.
"Well," Logan said slowly. He looked at James and Carlos, who gave him looks of encouragement in reply. "On the way here we were talking about what happened between you and Riles…"
"Uh-huh."
"And we wanted to say we know how you felt," Logan said. Kendall looked at him in surprise and he continued. "I mean, we haven't all broken up with our girlfriends over it, but we know how you feel. Have you ever heard of Imposter Syndrome?" Logan asked. Kendall shrugged and shook his head. "Because that's what I think you're suffering from. Imposter Syndrome. I know I have. James and Carlos have, too." As their names were said James and Carlos nodded, their eyes on Kendall.
"Okay. So what's Imposter Syndrome?"
"Here we go," Carlos muttered, rolling his eyes.
Logan frowned at him as James added, "Please do you best to not give us the medical jargon and get straight to the point. Our brains will thank you."
"There's nothing wrong with choosing to use bigger words so that I and other people can stretch the capacities of their brains." Logan stuck his nose in the air, causing the other boys to laugh. Kendall was already starting to feel better. "Anyway, Kendall,"—he glared at Carlos and James once more—"Imposter Syndrome is where, basically, you think you're a fraud. Everything that you've done or accomplished, you don't believe you deserve to have those experiences or accomplishments. You think it stems from good luck, good timing, or that you tricked people into giving you these opportunities."
"Which, technically, he did," Carlos piped up. "With Gustavo. He wanted Kendall, but he got the rest of us out there."
James reached out and grabbed onto Kendall's wrist, eyes wide. "Thank you for that."
Kendall laughed. "It's no problem, James." He patted James's hands away.
"That's what I mean!" Logan insisted, eyes lighting up. "Do you think any of us would be doing what we're doing now if it wasn't for you getting us out to LA?"
"Yes,"
Now even James gave him a 'duh' look. "Do you really think Carlos would have gotten someone as hot as Stephanie for a wife if you didn't get the four of us out here?" Carlos nodded earnestly in agreement.
"Okay, maybe apart from that," Kendall admitted, rolling his eyes. "But everything else, yeah. I think so. Because even if they just wanted me to sing and record, I still would've taken you guys with me and Mom and Katie. I couldn't leave you behind like that."
"Yeah, but you didn't. And you worked hard, just as hard as the rest of us did to make our band great," Logan said. "Just as hard as we all worked to keep that band going. Just as hard as we're working now to do what we want to do. Do you think I haven't stopped to think that maybe I didn't deserve to be accepted into UCLA and take classes there? Do you think James hasn't thought he doesn't deserve to have a solo career? Do you think Carlos hasn't stopped to think maybe he doesn't deserve to get these directing jobs and have a wife?"
Kendall shrugged again.
"We've always thought, at different times, that we didn't deserve something," Logan continued. "But we've been able to move past it. And you know what? You deserve this. You deserve to be able to play hockey because you're amazing at it! So much more than the rest of us are combined. And you deserve Riley, too. Don't let that go to waste." It was the first time any of them had mentioned her all night—which he was thankful for—and now that Logan did mention her he wondered what to do. It had been three months since their breakup and they hadn't talked to each other since then. The longest they hadn't spoken before then had been about a week long silence. He knew she was doing fairly well through what all of their friends had told them and what Rhuben had supplied in some of their phone calls. And there were the pictures she and the rest of their friends posted to their social media accounts.
Her smile didn't reach her eyes in a lot of them, he noted, other than the ones when she was back in Australia. But even he knew he couldn't rival her love for her home. Looking over his own pictures that he had posted with his teammates and friends when they visited, he didn't look 100% great either. He didn't go out with his teammates much, he worked harder during practice, often practicing to the point of exhaustion to fall into a deep sleep and start over again the next day. He sat in his apartment, stewing in his anger and depression, and found himself snapping at anyone that spoke to him. Since James, Logan, and Carlos weren't directly asking him how he was doing—and hadn't volunteered the information about her—it probably was strange for them, too.
"How many times had she sat in the bleachers and watched you play hockey without complaining? How many times have she and her siblings saved our and our butts when dealing with Gustavo? How many times has she dropped what she was doing to help you, even if you didn't know she did that? Her bad temper and tendencies of being a jerk aside, no one in the world deserves her and she chose you."
A smile finally came to Kendall's face and he looked each of his best friends in the eye. "Thanks guys," he said to them. "Not just for coming out here, but for cheering me up." He cleared his throat, rubbing his neck. "And for making me having a heart to heart in public."
"And they say hockey players don't have hearts," Carlos declared, crossing his arms.
"No, they just don't have any teeth," Logan said. "I don't doubt the dentists around here aren't making a killing."
"I don't know anything about that, but our medical team has been working around the clock lately," Kendall said. He pushed his empty glass aside and looked at his friends. "Do you guys want to play a game? For old times? We can go to the Richfield arena and you can check out our new locker room."
"Well, you wouldn't happen to have any extra gear lying around do you?" James asked as they stood up. "Anything swag that I could, maybe, get for free?"
"What is it they say about friends?" Logan asked with a roll of his eyes. "Use them until you bleed them dry?"
"I'm sure you were wondering if you could look into their medical facilities, too," James said. Logan muttered something under his breath, proving it was true. Kendall threw his head back and laughed then put his arm around Logan's shoulders.
"Don't worry about it, Logie. There's plenty that I want to show you guys." He then jerked backwards as a camera was suddenly shoved in front of his face with Carlos behind it. "And it looks like we have plenty to show our fans, too. If we have any fans left." He reached out and placed his hand on the front of the camera, moving it out of his face. Carlos stumbled backwards and quickly ducked out of the way of the hostess he nearly knocked into. "You know if we don't get arrested first."
"We wouldn't be Big Time Rush if we weren't disturbing the peace somehow," James remarked. "You better get used to it. I've had even more girls chasing after me now than ever before." He elbowed Kendall in the side. "And, thankfully, I don't think any of them are going to be wielding field hockey sticks."
"If there's anything that you deserved, Kendall, you certainly deserved that beating," Logan said.
"Yeah…" Kendall pulled out his car keys. "Just for that, I'm not going to go easy on you when we're out on the ice. You may need that dentist." He paused as the boys climbed into the car. "Actually, there's somewhere I need to go first."
A few weeks later, Kendall jerked awake as there was a knock on his apartment door, breaking through the closing notes of James's latest song. Frowning, he pulled his hand from behind his head and glanced at his watch. It was still too early for his friends to arrive to go to the Minnesota Wild game. As a matter of fact, he was sure Bobby, Craig, and Miles were supposed to meet them there. There was another knock and Kendall lowered his feet to the floor and pushed himself off the couch, ripping his ear buds out of his ears.
"I'm coming," he called as his guest knocked one more time. Rubbing his eyes, he grasped the doorknob and pulled the door open. He stared, dropping his hand from his eye when he came face to face with Riley. Actually, he had to lower his gaze a little bit, having looked directly over her head when he opened the door, but she took a step back and smiled up at him—shyly—when he answered.
"Hey," she greeted him.
"Hey," Kendall sat at the same time. He scratched the back of his neck, suddenly unsure what to do with his hands. "What are you doing here?"
"At the moment? Freezing my toes off, yeah?" Riley replied.
Kendall chuckled, crossing his arms. "It's 60 degrees out." His attire of a t-shirt and jeans with a hole at the knee attested to his claim.
"And that's 15 Celsius where the coldest it's been is 13, so I'm bloody freezing." Riley said, continuing to rub her arms. She reached up and adjusted the baseball cap that sat backwards on her head and Kendall smiled when he realized she was hiding her face. "Can I come in? Or am I relegated to standing on your door mat?"
Kendall took a step back and allowed her to come into the apartment. As he closed the door behind her he found he wasn't sure what to say either. The last time she was there, months before, had been disastrous and the two hadn't really spoken since then. The last time he was this speechless was seconds after he had been caught kissing Lucy by Jo. And this time he didn't have an elevator to hide himself in to get away from it. I'm done running from my problems. I can face them head on. Just like he had to do a few years before. Okay, so I had them threaten to leave the Palm Woods and I know Minnesota's not her favorite place in the world, but it won't be as easy for her to get away. "So…how's your music going?"
"Great," Riley said honestly. "But I didn't want to talk about that."
"I didn't think you did," Kendall said. "Not especially when you're willing to come all the way out here to, what Rhu lovingly likes to call, Santa's armpit."
"Like you didn't have any complaints about Australia," Riley reminded him.
"Yeah, well, you didn't wake up with a hairy spider tap dancing on your face."
"You didn't have any problems with that snake in your shoe."
"That's because snakes are cool, spiders are not." Kendall started to laugh at the memory. "Or are you forgetting James and Carlos being cornered in their room for an hour because they were too afraid to kill that spider."
"As long as Logan was able to identify it not being poisonous or venomous it was good for a laugh," Riley said. She laughed a little and started to rub her arm, which Kendall recognized as her nervous habit. Good, so he wasn't the only one that was feeling awkward. "So—"she said.
"So—"Kendall started at the same time. The two smiled and laughed. "You go first."
"I had a lot of time to think about what happened between us," she said. "This whole thing…this bloody row…it wasn't entirely your fault. I'm as much to blame." She pulled off her baseball cap and set it aside, running a hand through her hair to smooth her bangs out of her face, training her dark blue eyes on his green ones. "For a long time I thought being in a relationship meant things were supposed to be 50-50, split evenly. But now I know that's not true. There are times where things are going to be 80-20 or 60-40 or 100-0 because there are times where one of us is going to need more support than the other and the other should love enough to give it. I should have realized earlier that's what both of us needed to know."
"But you were right," Kendall reminded her. "Through everything that we've gone through…you've done one hundred more things for me than I have for you. You supported me on so much…sacrificed so much." He crossed his arms. "I don't know anyone that can deal with a long distance relationship as well as you can. But, like you said, you're used to it. And the things I said…I guess I was just feeling really insecure that I couldn't do a lot of things for you that you've done for me."
Riley's eyes widened, obviously surprised. "You think you haven't done that for me? It doesn't matter how many things you do for someone else just as long as the scale of it…" she took a deep breath. "You got rid of my abuser, showed me what it was like to have a true, best friend that wasn't my family. You and the guys and the girls are my family now. You talked me down when I was having a mental breakdown. You even chased after me in the woods and stayed up all night in the hospital afterwards because you know I hate them, made me feel really happy with myself and my life…and showed me what it's like to truly love someone. I don't know about you, Hockey-Head, but that's done so much more for me than saving your butt—literally, on one occasion—more times than you or I could count."
"I don't think so," Kendall admitted. "Or at least, I didn't. But the guys came out here and they talked some sense into me. They made me realize that I was just greatly questioning everything in my life because I was able to get onto the junior hockey team and I didn't think I was good enough for it. I mean, I think I said that when we were fighting, but I can't explain it as well as Logan did."
"I reckon you mean the Imposter Syndrome thing," Riley said. "Yeah, he told me that, too."
"The guys talked to you?"
"Actually, they threatened not to speak to me ever again if I didn't let them talk to me. And, of course, Syd was so broken up over us breaking up because he thought that meant you wouldn't want to come by anymore. Patrick wanted to kill you for a while." Kendall didn't doubt it. "And Rhu and No were upset for me and for you, but I don't think they believed we wouldn't be able to work things out. I just needed to figure some stuff out on my own, too. For a long time I told myself I wouldn't be the girl that made her boyfriend everything about her life and I wondered if that's what was happening because you were gone which made me worry if I wasn't really being myself."
Riley sucked in a deep breath through her nose and looked at him earnestly. "When it comes to relationships and stuff, all I want is to be as happy as my Mum and Dad were. They were hardly ever apart from each other. If Dad needed to travel somewhere for his job, then we would either go with him or Mum would leave us with our grandparents and go with him. And then after everything that happened with Robert that dream was kind of broken for me and I thought that doing that was unhealthy or made you weak. I couldn't imagine how Camille and Logan could be around each other all the time or why Dak always wanted to be around Rhu." She shrugged. "But Rhu is awesome so I can't blame him for basically stalking my Sis for a while."
Kendall smiled.
"But then I understood why, it wasn't more of being with that person but how they made you feel. And you make me feel like I'm myself, even if we don't see each other every day." She tilted her head to the side. "And I think that's great because if I was with you every day, I reckon I'd probably get sick of you, yeah?"
Now Kendall laughed.
"So I wanted to say I was sorry," she finished.
"I'm sorry, too," Kendall agreed. "I should've just explained what was going on rather than going off by my feelings."
"You wouldn't be you if you did that," Riley pointed out. She reached out and tapped him on the shoulder where his tattoo sat. "Or did you get that tattoo for nothing?" Then her eyes lowered to his wrist. "What's that?" She reached out and grabbed onto his hand, finding a new tattoo covering his skin; a braided wristband. "When'd you get this?"
"Oh." Kendall forgot it was there. "I got it when the guys came to visit me a few weeks ago. It's like the ones the fans gave us. Keep giving us, actually. I still get as much fan mail now as I did then. Their encouragement has really been helping me."
"And you got it tattooed?" Riley asked.
"Well, you have the real one," he pointed. Riley dropped his hand and ran hers through her hair. "I mean, if you still have it."
"I still have it," She said quickly. "I just don't have it on me." She then lowered her chin and gently kicked at the ground. "Do you still have my necklace?" It was shoved deep inside his pillowcase. "I thought, maybe, I could have it back. Maybe wear it again?"
"You want to get back together?" Kendall asked.
"If you'll have me."
Kendall reached out and tucked her hair behind her ears. "I should be saying that to you," he said. "I mean, this whole thing is my fault."
"It's our fault," Riley pressed. "I see it like this...when we first met you helped me...the year after that I help you...then you helped me...right now I think I should be the one here to help you. I didn't react to things well..."
"Well, we did break up."
"But to not speak to you for months?" Riley bobbed her head. "I can't imagine how much it sucked for you, not being able to have me handle all of your problems though, Hockey-Head. You must've been a wreck. I mean, losing someone as awesome as me isn't good for your track record."
"Ha ha." Kendall rolled his eyes. Then he smiled wider than he had within the last few months, took Riley's face in his hands, and gave her a sweet kiss. Riley held onto his forearms as she kissed him back, grinning just as large as he was when the kiss ended and he rested his forehead against hers.
"I love you, Ruby," he murmured.
"I love you, too, Hockey-Head."
THE END
A/N: Anyone remember this being briefly referred to in the one-shot The Rest of Your Life? Again, keep in mind that one-shots are just one way of showing a plot while in multi-chapter stories it may work out differently.
Okay, I'm not sure how well I showed it, but I wanted to show that their breakup was really both of their faults, not something that one of them could take all of the blame for as they were both being honest with how they were feeling. Plus it's a very tense/pressured situation to be in.
As for the inspiration of this story, I was talking to my sisters one day about couples that date for a long time (middle school or high school sweethearts, even those that dated through college) who get engaged and then get married. Realistically those couples that lasted a long time and then went into marriage had to have broken up at least once where it be because of distance, jobs, financial issues, their lives going in two different directions, etc.
In terms of Kendall and Riley I realized that they would've had to break up at one point and in the case of Kendall going to play hockey, it had to be for that. (Though there may be other reasons as we haven't 100% decided if canon to our timeline Kendall would go on to play hockey when BTR ended, though we think it would make sense for his character).
So there we go. What do you guys think?