A/N:

Warning: Mentions of slash

Thanks to Raanah for doing an amazing job betaing:)

There's always something, something about those mindless decisions: those times of confessions and bravery, times when feelings are shouted out and the unpredictable follows. Emotions and thoughtless decisions and love…it all scares you.

Fear and intrigue.

Curiosity and jealousy.

You observe, watch and calculate. Think, schedule, and evaluate.

Watch as Lily, yet again, falls in love with another boy. Observe as she goes through the phases: the happiness, the excitement, the ever present smile. You know how it's going to end, know the inevitability of heartache and the crushing disappointment that people always end up providing— but wouldn't it be wonderful to forget all that? A few weeks later, Lily's laying on your bed crying, stumbling down (yet again) after a break up.

You examine the misery she puts herself through, reflexively adding to the growing number of advantages that come with not letting yourself care. Lily doesn't need to choke on her sobs or have a waterfall of tears cascade down her face on a monthly basis. It's not worth it, not worth the misery. (You ignore the voice whispering about your own misery, your own sobs and tears.)

Out of pure curiosity, once the tears clear you ask passingly, making sure to put enough indifference into your voice:

"Is it worth it?"

"Lucy, as much as I know you're craving to hear that it isn't, that I regret all those boys, well, that would be a pure lie. I don't regret how happy I was; don't regret exchanging sweet compliments, the first kisses, or holding hands in the corridors. I don't regret loving them, don't regret falling for them. Not at all."

Surprised, shocked and masking it all with a simple question, "Why not?"

"The experience, the memories, the lessons, I mean what's life without all of those things? What's life without risks and disappointment? Tad boring, wouldn't it be?"

Lily smirks, and exits the dorm, leaving you with those thoughts. You try not to think about how much you think about it.

Scorpius and Al, well, you thought they were doing it right. Believed if Al stayed in denial about his feelings and Scorpius continued to remain oblivious to Al's ogling eyes and lingering touches their feelings would remain unscathed and their friendship would remain a friendship.

Then one night, in one of those unplanned, passion driven declarations, Scorpius confesses. You and Al were the only ones in the Common Room when Scorpius barges in (those riddles were always too easy for him) and of course, Al's face instantly lights up, his smile widens, his eyes sparkle and he continues to stare as Scorpius makes his way to the couch. He starts speaking to Al, and you think both of them have forgotten that you're right there, witness to this exchange of emotions and feelings.

"Al, I need to get this out. I don't know how to cope with these feelings anymore and it hurts too much and Al— I love you."

You watch as Al's face goes from confusion to hurt to a blushing pink as he averts his eyes.

"Scorp, I love you too mate," he says continuing to stare at the rug on the floor, missing Scorpius' quick intake of breath and briefly blush stained cheeks.

You mentally tell Scorpius to stop now, that he could backtrack and the both of them could stay happy and oblivious; stay unaware with unscathed hearts. Of course, that doesn't happen and Scorpius goes to clarify what he really means by love. You could see the shock, confusion, happiness, and fear all written plainly on Al's face. Al doesn't move to reciprocate the feelings like the first time. Instead, he tells Scorpius he needs time to think about this and quickly goes up to the dormitory, leaving you with a confused, frustrated, and sad Scorpius Malfoy.

"Lucy, think I should have done that?"

You prepare to tell him no. Prepare to lecture him on his stupidity and mindless decisions that will inevitably change everything for the worse. He starts speaking before you form the words.

"Of course you don't, but you don't understand. You know right now, I should be regretting it, you know. But I don't. I'm glad he knows, and it's better than I was expecting and I love him too much to pretend not to any longer."

You sigh because, really, what else is there to say? He'll regret it soon enough.

Then there's Lysander. He's always been there and you've never given him much thought.

Never allowed yourself to give him much thought, actually.

You brush off that surge of emotion that overcomes you when he walks into the kitchen late at night and asks the house elves to go to bed so he can make you some coffee and apple tart himself. Ignore how hard it is to keep a smile off your face when talks to you, and the amount of effort it takes to keep your mind from wandering to him.

Then he makes some comments about how gorgeous you are and how he actually found your skepticism and cynicism attractive…and it's almost as if he pinpointed all of your insecurities, took the time to learn each and every one of them and flourished you with so many compliments that you (almost) forget them all.

The compliments, the feelings they bring up, the emotions and thrill associated with them is absolutely unacceptable. He shouldn't affect you like that, affect your life and thoughts and damn it, it's scary how happy it (he) makes you feel.

It scares you how attached you're getting, how a smile sometimes slips when he talks to you and gives another passing compliment and you're too happy and confused about your feelings to stop it and it's not okay. You know the repercussions that come with getting attached, the sadness and misery that always follow happiness and you can't let him in anymore. You don't want to get hurt. You will not allow yourself to get hurt.

Slowly, almost unnoticeably, you start closing yourself off. Start talking and smiling less and less, even though everything inside of you is begging, screaming, pleading, pushing you to drop the act, to let that smile overtake your face and those butterflies to flutter in your stomach.

But you're Lucy and that's not an option.

You build up your cracking walls.

Again.

Distract yourself with schoolwork.

It's both harder and easier than you imagined. Harder because your mind always goes to him and easier because detachment and remaining detached is your specialty. (Sometime you wish it wasn't).

After a few months of the silent treatment, emotionless face, and unbreakable (but cracking) walls, Ly stops trying. You don't know whether it's okay to be disappointed when this was what you wanted all along. You don't want to be alone but you can't be with anyone else and you kind of hate yourself for being such a problem. You hate it more when you see him with another girl and it feels like someone stabbed you through your heart.

But you did this to yourself. Put yourself in this situation. You tell yourself that this is better, better than real heartbreak. Because you're smart, smart for ending it before it began.

One day when you're walking down an empty hallway and you're confronted with Al and Scorpius smiling and holding hands, coming out of an empty classroom. Al flashes a smile while Scorpius greets you with a smirk and you wonder (not for the first time) if you will ever let yourself be happy. If you're even capable of happiness. Probably not, because happiness is always taken away, snatched, stolen and replaced with misery. (And with that mind-set, you'll never change.)

A few years out of Hogwarts, Lily falls for another boy. This time she stays with him for a couple of years. She comes over to your empty, empty house one day and tells you how much she loves him and how much she knows he loves her. She's so happy and just this once you push all the thoughts of broken hearts and shattered promises and you pretend.

Three months later Teddy and Lily are getting married and they look so, so happy and you wonder again if you'll ever be capable of that. Probably not, considering how your life is panning out. You watch as Al and Scorpius break up, get back together, move in with each other, travel to Australia, and finally get married.

You've been getting so many wedding invitations lately, but there's one you're dreading receiving. One you know will make your heart clench result in self-loathing for reacting so badly. So when, early one morning, an owl comes into your room and written on the envelope in his elegant handwriting is his name, you wish you could be different. You wish you weren't so screwed up and you didn't always have an excuse and you weren't so stubborn, so that happiness could be a possibility and cynicism didn't scorch everything.

You want to burn the invitation, want to rip it up, but you're too curious as to who she is and when and why so you open it up and…relief.

It isn't an invitation, it's a letter.

It's a letter from Ly.

It's a letter from Ly to you.

It's a letter from Ly to you and he isn't getting married and you're so, so, so happy and you can't breathe. You can't believe he still has the ability to infiltrate your thoughts like this even after all these years.

You read the letter with a smile and it feels like centuries since you've actually smiled and you've actually been happy and the memories of late nights in the kitchens and shy flirting are coming back and you actually want him.

You're twenty-eight and, Merlin, you still want your teenage crush and it feels like you're floating and falling all over again. You read the letter again.

He's asking you to meet at a Muggle Coffee shop. He's asking to meet tomorrow. You don't know if you can handle this, if the capability of love and affection and trust even resides inside of you.

The next day, it's all a loud, extensive, tiring argument inside your head. Finally, you end up going. You meet and he's just as sweet and understanding and Ly as before and you've missed him so much. You missed him so, so much but the feelings are overpowering you and it's as if you're drowning in a sea of Ly and there's nowhere to go but down. It's terrifying. You try to turn your brain off, but you can't and it's too much.

You hate yourself.

You hate him.

But you think you love him.

At the end of your little meeting, he asks to meet up again next weekend. You say you would love to and you aren't quite sure how those words even came out of your mouth. Then it's all a blur and you're standing outside of your house with him and he's standing too, too close. He's Ly and everything in you wants to push him away and pull him closer at the same time. Then he makes the decision for you. He leans in. You don't move. He brushes his lips against yours and finally the thoughts turn off, your mind stops, and finally you let yourself just feel, just for once.

Two months later, you're in tears and you always knew something like this would happen except this is worse than you could ever imagine. It's sunny and bright outside and you're wearing a gloomy, dark, black, black dress and there are so many people all talking of him and honestly you can't deal with any of this right now. You can't believe he did this to you, can't believe he of all people would. He's gone forever, and you feel so, so selfish for thinking of only yourself.

You used to think you had some hope left. That you had some opportunity for happiness. Now that's gone. Everything's gone. He's gone. You can't cope with it at all. You leave the ceremony, escape to your empty, empty house and lie on the bed and cry. The waterfall of tears don't soothe the pain. You don't think anything ever will.

A/N: Thanks for reading, and if you've made it this far I would love to hear your opinion!