..: Meet the Mole :..

This was supposed to be up on Thursday! But the Internet was down at my house until today, so yeah. To make it up for you guys, I wrote two chappies! Cool, no?

DISCLAIMER: "I can't say hump or screw in front of the b-a-b-y…I just spelled the wrong words didn't I?"

The Cast:

Shrek – Sam Guthrie / Cannonball

Fiona – Rahne Sinclair / Wolfsbane

Donkey – Bobby Drake / Iceman

Puss in Boots – Ray Crisp / Berzerker

Dragon – Jubilation Lee / Jubilee

King Harold – Todd Tolensky / Toad

Queen Lillian – Wanda Maximoff / Scarlet Witch

Fairy Godmother – Tabitha Smith / Boom Boom

Prince Charming – Roberto DaCosta / Sunspot

Gingerbread Man – Remy LeBeau / Gambit

Pinocchio – St. John Allerdyce / Pyro

Big Bad Wolf – Lance Alvers / Avalanche

3 Little Pigs – Kurt / Wagner / Nightcrawler (inspired by Drei by Mieren)

Ugly Stepsister Doris – Jean-Paul Beaubier / Northstar

Hook – Lance Alvers / Avalanche

Other People – Good Question / I Don't Know

Forge ran by Bobby. "Seriously," he said. "Where is Rahm?"

"Samuel Zachary Guthrie!" An all-too familiar Scottish voice yelled, accompanied by a very loud slap.

About a minute later, Sam stumbled in with a very red slap mark on his cheek.

"…AGAIN?" Bobby demanded.

"Gimme a break!" Sam said. "They dressed her up as Santa's Little Helper this tahme!" (1)

"They dressed her up in a dog suit?" Bobby asked dubiously.

"No," Sam said. "They dressed her up in a-" He stopped abruptly as Rahne walked in, still looking more than a little mad.

"…You do realize it's nowhere near Christmas, right?" Bobby said after a while.

Rahne had her hair down, a tight red navel-baring off-the-shoulder shirt, a similarly tight red skirt that stopped way above her knees, red gloves that went past her elbows (all with white faux-fur trim), red heels that went halfway up to her knees, and, to top it all off, a little Santa hat tilted to one side on her head. And she had on mascara, eyeliner, smoky eyes, blush, and red lipstick.

Jubes and Tabby walked in behind her. "Whaddya think?" Jubes asked.

"We thought fishnets might be a bit much," Tabby said.

"Ye think?" Rahne demanded.

"Contrary to popular belief, I actually do," Tabby said happily.

Forge yanked out his RLLT (Red Lethal-Looking…Thing). "I have you now!" (2)

"Remy don' t'ink so!" Remy yelled, swinging in on an Arbitrarily Placed Vine. However, he swung right by Forge, who zapped him as he swung back.

The newly zapped Cajunbread Man dropped to the floor, since a) his arms were too short for his body to hang on to the vine, and b) he no longer had opposable thumbs. Or fingers, for that matter.

Forge then proceeded to cackle eeevilly as he zapped everyone else in the room, turning them into their respective characters.

Tabby grimaced at her flimsy-looking wings. "Do they HAVE to look like this?" she demanded. "I look like friggin' Tinkerbell!"

Rogue flew over and punched her in the nose…since she was now the size of Tabby's face. "Not funny," she snarled.

Tabby snorted. "Nice dress." Essentially, it was the Disney Tinkerbell dress, only darker green and…sparkly for some reason. And Rogue had a minute APLBPN on. (3)

"Remy had-"

"-better not be-"

"-looking!" Kurt, Wagner, and Nightcrawler yelled.

"Remy be de Cajunbread Man," Remy said in depressed tones. "Et WHO is gon' be de Gumbo Man?"

"That is for me to know, and you to…not know!" Forge said with an eeevil smirk on his face.

"I think ye just gave it away," Rahne said. "And why can I nae just go werewolf?"

"I still have the scars from last time," Forge retorted, holding up his arm.

Bobby trotted up to them and squinted at it. "…That's your prosthetic arm."

"Well…it got really dented and scratched and I had to fix it," Forge said stubbornly. "And the hyperness…" He shuddered at the memory.

"Well, to be fair, she'd been in my Nerd Pit," John said helpfully.

"DO NOT OPPOSE THE DIRECTOR!" Forge screamed FF-ly (Frau Farbissina-ly). "And just for that, you shall wear a lacy pink thong."

"I already have to wear one for that one scene!" John said.

"Well, you now have to wear it for the entire parody," Forge retorted.

"Then it better be a lacy red thong," John said.

"Do you have a lacy red thong?" Forge asked.

"No."

"Fine, then, you can wear Remy's."

All heads swiveled over to Remy. "Remy's chere has all o' dem," he said. "From de Fashion Show."

Rogue zapped Pietro. "Be raht back," she said, and sped off and back before anyone could bat an eye. She handed John a bright red and extremely lacy red thong.

"Thank you," John said, took the thong, and went off into a conveniently located linen closet to change into it.

"…How do we know if he's actually wearing it?" Bobby asked.

John came out and threw his flame-covered boxers in Bobby's face. "Either I'm wearing it, or I'm going commando," he said. "And these are Remy's pants from when he went commando."

Forge glanced around at everyone. "Where's Robbie?" he demanded.

"Gah!" Robbie ran to hide behind Bobby.

"…That wasn't very smart," Jubes noted.

Tabby ran over and stuck an Über Fake Mole above Robbie's upper lip. "…the HELL?" Robbie yelled, trying to pry it off.

"It just gives you more of a Prince-y vibe," Tabby said.

"Well, I don't like it!" Robbie snapped.

"I am your mother, BOY, you will do what I say!" Tabby roared, shaking her wand at him.

"Yes, ma'am," Robbie squeaked.

"Plus in Mutants in Tights, Pietro had a nice fake mole," Tabby added. "But don't worry, yours won't travel all over your face."

Forge tossed a pile of armor at Robbie. "Hurry up and put it on," he ordered.

Robbie did so and toppled over. "This stuff weighs a ton!"

Forge sighed theatrically. "Do you or do you not have super strength when you charge up?"

"Oh, right."

Fore grabbed Scott and turned him into a horse. "Finally, we can start! PLACES!" he yelled FF-ly.

So the Fiona Theme Song music started playing, and a shimmery spotlight landed on a book, which Rogue used her TK (after she zapped Jean) to open.

Robbie started narrating in a bored voice. "Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl." There was a picture of Todd and Wanda holding up Baby!Rahne. "And throughout the land, everyone was happy…until the sun went down and they saw their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night."

The page turned to a picture of Younger!Rahne tracing a UN symbol in the sand. (4)

"Wrong parody."

The page turned to a picture of Younger!Rahne on one side and Puppy!Rahne on another.

"Out of date."

The page turned to a picture of Younger!Rahne and Younger!Green!Rahne.

"It's really not that frightful," Robbie noted, "But whatever. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother." The page turned to a picture of Todd and Wanda talking to Tabby.

"She had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss of the handsome Prince Sunspot! …Sunspot? You couldn't even use my real name?"

"Sunspot sounds more Charming-esque than Roberto," Forge said.

"Actually, I think Roberto sounds more charming than Sunspot," Jubes said.

"I said Charming-esque, not charming," Forge said.

"Oh," Jubes said. Then, "Yeah, Sunspot's better."

"And if you're wondering why we didn't use Pietro, it's because we already used him as Farquaad," Forge added

The camera switched to Robbie riding through a forest. The camera was zoomed out enough to show that Horse!Scott was actually galloping on a big treadmill.

"It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold-" The background scenery changed to a blistering cold snow-capped mountain. "-and scorching desert." It changed to a scorching desert. "Traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb-" Robbie shot an arrow with a rope tied to it into a wooden post. "-to reach the Jubilation's keep."

Robbie put his bow over the rope and slid on it over the boiling lake of lava. He walked into the castle, taking off his helmet. "For he was the bravest and most handsome-" He pulled off a hairnet and did the Completely Unnecessary Slow-Mo hair flip. "-in all the land."

"Hmph," Pietro sniffed.

Tabby glanced at him quizzically. "Can you even do a hair flip? I mean honestly, your hair must be gelled into place with the bangs and stuff."

"Not as gelled as Rooster Boy over there!" Pietro snapped, pointing and Berzerker in Boots…who still had the rooster hair.

"I am growing it out into a Mohawk!" Ray snapped, pointing a finger…paw-finger…whatever you call those in the air. "And why isn't Robbie Puss in Boots?"

"Well, while Robbie is Brazilian, his accent cannot match up to Antonio Banderas's," Forge explained. (5) "And he's already Prince Charming, because the Authoress is taking a break off torturing Pietro. And your hair matches Puss's fur. And some of the little kindergarters that the Authoress helped out with this summer knew the other meaning of Puss!"

"…What does that last part have to do with me?" Ray asked.

"Absolutely nothing, aside from the fact that you were just MADE to be a badass…or a not-so-unique rebel, since the NRs get ignored so much," Forge said.

All the NRs stopped in whatever they were doing to stick their fingers in the air and yell, "DAMN STRAIGHT!"

"Can we get back to the parody?" John asked. "This thong is riding up my ass!"

"That's the whole point of a thong," Tabby said.

Robbie continued narrating as he walked to Rahne's room. "And it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse." He sprayed some breath freshener in his mouth, then gagged and ran to rinse it out.

Jamie picked it up. "Lemon Flavored Warheads Breath Spray," he said. "I was wondering where mine had gone." He pocketed it and walked off. (6)

Robbie came back and started narrating again. "He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess's chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find-GAH!" He screamed and jumped back at the sight of Wolf!Lance in a nightgown reading Pork Illustrated and eating pork rinds.

"I'm gonna ROCK YOUR WORLD!" Lance yelled, throwing a pork rind at Robbie.

It bounced off his nose. "Princess…Rahne?"

"NO! I have a mullet, damnit! A MULLET!"

"Well, so does Sam," Robbie said.

"Well…I can ROCK MY MULLET!" Lance yelled, bouncing a pork rind off Robbie's chin. Then he saw his Über Fake Mole. "Mole," he whispered.

"What?"

"Moling – I mean, nothing!"

Robbie rolled his eyes and looked at the other side of the room, as if hoping to find Rahne – or something that didn't reek of lame and overused puns – there. Lance took the opportunity to stare at his Mole. Robbie looked back at Lance, who smiled pleasantly at him.

The same thing happened three more times before Robbie lost it. "Okay! Yes! I have a Mole!"

"Really?" Lance said. "Where?"

"Just get it out of your system," Robbie said.

"No, I'm fine."

"Just do it."

"Don't quote Nike."

"Don't use lame puns."

"Your name is a lame pun."

"Your mom."

"Your uncle."

"Your mullet."

"Your Mole! Yes, Mole! We're not supposed to talk about the damn mole, but there's a damn Mole winking me in the face! And I am going to ROCK YOUR MOLE!"

Robbie blinked. "Are you done?"

"Mole."

"Now?"

"Mole."

"W-"

"Moooooooole." Lance poked at Robbie's Mole with a particularly long rasher of bacon. "Bacon?" he offered.

"I'm good."

"Mole."

"Rahne's on her honeymoon, isn't she?" Robbie asked.

"Mole."

"With Sam, right?"

"Mole."

"I'll just go now," Robbie said, edging toward the door.

"Mole."

"Buh-bye."

Lance lost it. "Moley, moley, moley, moley, moley, moley, moley, moley, moley, moley, moley, moley, moley, moley, moley, moley, moley, moley-"

Nightcrawler bamfed in and slammed a brick into Lance's head. (7)

(1) – Skysong's ficcie Clueless. Rahne gets a makeover and Sam doesn't recognize her…just go read it! Oh, and Santa's Little Helper is the dog in The Simpsons.

(2) – Star Wars. I do believe Vader says that to Luke right before Han sends him spinning off into space.

(3) – Arbitrarily Placed Little Black Power Negator. I don't know where this originated in Skysong's ficcies.

(4) – Skysong's Quest For Sanity.

(5) – Seriously, Antonio has a friggin' AMAZING accent. I love it. And the bit with the kindergarteners is true; some of them actually got into a fight about it and then went up to me, asking, "What does Puss mean? Isn't it a bad word?"

(6) – That stuff is seriously GAH. I tried it once and reacted, according my friends, just like a cat. Ya know, hissing and the tongue thing and stuff.

(7) – The whole Mole thing is from Austin Powers in Goldmember. Fred Savage is the Mole, and Austin…yeah.