Rating: T. See warnings for why.

Disclaimer: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and all related characters belong to Nickelodeon.

Warnings: Disturbing content, violence towards small children, violence, blood and one instance of language. No graphic description. Based on SAINW. If you can't handle this, please don't read.

Summary: 'For a moment he aches to approach his brother, but he lost the right to do that twelve years ago.' In the wake of Donatello's disappearance and Splinter's death, the remaining brothers are devastated and go their separate ways, leaving Mike to cope alone. By any means necessary. SAINW.

Comments, thoughts and concrit is always welcome.

AN: This story is written for the TMNT-Fans-Forever SAINW contest on Deviant Art. Set 17 years after Donatello's disappearance.

Honestly, I had no intention of joining this contest or writing a SAINW fic but sampsonknight asked me to help her brainstorm for ideas. This is one I came up with and then it wouldn't leave me alone... So it's all her fault XD

Detached

Heaving with exertion, Mike braces himself the best he can considering his limited range of motion. Wincing in pain, he leans his left shoulder into the rubble on top of him and with his right hand pushes, straining furiously with the effort. It takes the desperate turtle a few tries but the chunk of wall covering him finally slides off, exposing him to precious, polluted air. He collapses onto all threes, panting heavily and trying to clear his spinning, aching head as he remembers how he came to be in his terrible predicament.

For eleven years now, on the anniversary of Donatello's disappearance, Mike would visit his father's grave before spending the rest of the day cutting a swathe through the Shredder's ranks. On this day, he needed a means to drown out the constant despair and loneliness, and in a world gone horribly wrong, action was the only cure left.

Unfortunately, this year they'd anticipated his one turtle attack force by laying a trap for him and he'd fallen for it; but what else could he have done?

As Mike took down the sycophantic turncoats who joined the Shredder's forces for the sake of a few extra rations or comforts, he suddenly heard screaming from a couple of blocks away. Mike automatically slipped back into the shadows and ran to investigate the tortured cries. What he had seen when he arrived made his heart clench in horror.

Children.

There were five children chained by the wall of a crumbling, half standing building and they were being shot at.

Their tormentors weren't shooting to kill but rather to maim and hurt and he couldn't stand the sight.

His blood boiling at the horrific violence he saw, he reached into his shuriken pouch. To his disgust, he found he was running low on the deadly ninja stars but he still had just enough left for what he needed. Mike crept forward into range and let loose. Quickly flinging five shuriken at the inhumane soldiers, he aimed directly for the carotid artery of all but one. The first four he had a clear shot at and took them down with unerring accuracy, the fifth however, was shielded by the body of a comrade so Mike instead aimed at his visible hand and ran towards him, pulling out his 'chucks as he moved.

Right as he reached the remaining soldier, Mike immediately swung the end of his whirling weapon at his enemy's head. The soldier reached up with a speed to rival his own and managed to block the incoming weapon with his bleeding hand. Despite the sickening crunch of of metal reinforced wood on wrist bone, the sick monster barely made a sound.

The soldier immediately pulled out a serrated, military grade knife with his good hand and began attacking Mike furiously. The man was skilled and Mike quickly discovered he had to work hard to avoid grievous injury. As each parried and defended during their deadly dance, Mike found he was forced to use the protective plate on his stump like a shield more than once to avoid a nasty cut, even as he attacked with 'chucks gripped tightly in his remaining hand.

The short battle felt like it went on for minutes when really, it was less than a minute before Mike grimaced as the knife bit viciously into his left biceps. He immediately dropped and spun, knocking the soldier's legs out from under him. The man went down hard, hitting his head on a nearby broken light pole and went still.

Breathing hard with pent up emotion and the long day of fighting, Mike leant over him, telling himself he needed to finish him off. People like this made him sick and he knew he owed them no consideration, but despite the loneliness and harshness his reality had become, some inner part of him wasn't completely hardened. Despite knowing those kowtowing to the Shredder would never give him, the rebels or the innocents of this world the same respect, he wouldn't kill in cold blood; he couldn't. Instead, Mike quickly looked the traitor to Earth over, divesting him of all weapons and stashing what he could on his own person while disposing of the others as far away from the man as he could throw; if the scumbag woke up, the last thing he wanted was to leave him with any weapons in immediate reach. To his delight, Mike found keys on the man; keys he figured would hopefully unlock the chains holding down those poor kids. Mike hurriedly snatched them up and after glancing around him for signs of movement and finding none, he ran directly for the injured, crying children.

"It's okay, you're safe now, little dudes and dudettes," Mike said soothingly, the moment he reached the first of them. "Uncle Mike's going to get you all out of here, okay?"

He received no answer other than continued sobs but Mike crouched down beside the child anyway. She only looked about six years old and Mike shook his head in disgust, unable to fathom how anyone could torture such a young kid as that.

One handed, he struggled to fit the key into the small lock. It was neither flat against a surface, nor tight enough to keep it still, however he eventually managed, and with a click, the lock popped open and he immediately moved on to the next child.

Suddenly, something at the back of his mind prickled; the same feeling he always had whenever someone was watching and self consciously, Mike turned to look around, seeing nothing. He tried to dismiss the feeling and just concentrate on freeing these innocent victims, instead forcing himself to turn back to the kid. When the crying young boy, who couldn't have been older than five, was free, Mike quickly moved on to the next and the next.

As Mike reached the final captive child, a girl a few years older than the rest, she looked up at Mike through her pain filled eyes.

"Run!" she sobbed hoarsely.

"Why?" Mike asked, confused. "I'm getting you out."

"You can't!" she insisted. "Save yourself! Others who can be saved need you!"

"You need me too," Mike replied instantly, reaching for the lock to open it.

"They used us as bait! Please!" she begged. "Run!"

Mike stared in utter horror as the girl tried to push him away before pulling up her raggedy jumper. He swallowed at the sight of armed bombs strapped to her flesh; he knew he didn't have the knowledge or skills to disarm them in time and they only had seconds left on the counter.

"I'm so sorry..." Mike whispered helplessly, dying inside as he realised he could do nothing to save her. He jumped to his feet and began to run.

Heat and noise engulfed him from behind as five armed children suddenly exploded and everything went dark.

-:-

Finally catching his breath, Mike feels that familiar prickle again and tentatively lifts his spinning head. He is surrounded and to his horror, there are at least seven soldiers marching towards him from varying directions, all raising rocket launchers or bazookas of some sort to point at him.

Mike gulps. He refuses to go down this way; he still has fight in him and he isn't willing to leave April all alone. Just like him, she's lost everyone she cared about; they only have Angel and each other left from the old days. Not to mention that there is no way he's allowing anyone to take him out before he can find out what the shell happened to Donatello all those years ago.

Painfully, battered from debris and bleeding from numerous wounds, Mike pushes himself to his feet, wobbling slightly from the ringing in his ears and the nausea. He looks around, taking in his surroundings at a glance and runs, just as seven rocket launchers fire at where he'd been kneeling.

Mike keeps careful eyes on the missile he is running towards, timing it perfectly and somersaulting over the top of the rocket powered explosive. Moments later, though his ears still ring loudly from the deaths of those children, he hears the latest set of explosions, one after another in quick succession.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

And he tumbles through the air, propelled further than he'd meant to jump. Luckily, this time his landing is softened as he crashes into the wide-eyed soldier in his path.

Moaning in pain and feeling burnt from the heat behind him, Mike struggles to pick himself up, relieved to discover his living cushion is out cold. It takes two attempts to find his feet and when he looks up, he sees the nearest solder is almost upon him.

Mike fumbles for the nunchaku on his belt, shocked to find nothing. Looking down as he pats himself in confusion, he discovers his belt is gone, along with his remaining weapons; shuriken, tanto, picks and smoke bombs. That's when he remembers the tugging feeling of something catching and holding him back as he struggled from the rubble earlier and he groans, realising that's when he lost his gear.

Glancing up worriedly at the confident movement of the human striding towards him, he swallows. He's had twelve years to get used to living and fighting with only one arm, but he's woozy, battered, bruised, bleeding and without any weapons; Mike knows how much of a disadvantage he's at in hand to hand combat right now, especially when the other guy is still armed, healthy and intending to kill him.

But he's ninja and despite everything that's happened since they lost Donnie, he refuses to give up now.

Mike can barely see straight and he knows he has to get away or he won't survive another day. It doesn't matter what this world has thrown at him over the last seventeen years, he isn't suicidal. He still has things to live for and damned if he will let them kill him here!

Michelangelo straightens with a glower, scooping up the nearby fallen rocket launcher one handed as he charges forward to meet the traitor coming straight for him. The weapon's large and ungainly, difficult to handle with only one hand but Mike has no intention of firing it, even if he'd had something to reload with. Instead, he swings it directly at his enemy's face. The soldier flinches back like Mike hoped and he quickly drops it, automatically clenching his hand into a fist as he lands a solid right hook into the man's nose.

The soldier falls and he knows he should make sure the guy stays down but every instinct is screaming at him to keep moving, to get somewhere safe to regroup and with a glance to confirm the positions of the other soldiers, Mike runs, stumbling despite his determination to show no weakness.

As he runs, it suddenly dawns on Mike that there are only three soldiers chasing him and he swallows thickly, trying to keep his thoughts straight even as he wonders where the hell the rest of them went.

Zigzagging through the debris and buildings in the war zone that was once home to millions, Mike does everything he possibly can to keep ahead of his pursuers but injured as he is, he knows he can't keep up this pace indefinitely.

Suddenly rounding a corner, he sees one of them in front of him, grinning nastily in hungry anticipation; a semi-automatic levelled in one hand and a tanto in the other.

Without missing a beat as he keeps running forward, Mike kicks up debris into the soldier's face and dives to the side while the monster looses a barrage of bullets where he'd been standing. Immediately rolling back to his feet, Mike follows it up with a Flying Dragon kick into the traitor's side and hears the satisfying crack of ribs and a cry of pain. Even through the obvious agony, the soldier slashes out blindly at Mike who simply sidesteps, grabbing the knife hand and slamming the metal covering of his stump into the outside of his foe's elbow.

Snatching the tanto from suddenly limp fingers, instinct demands Mike to spin on the spot and throw the weapon unerringly into another advancing enemy's throat, moments before the man can fire on him. He darts his eyes about, seeing yet another two shadows converging on him.

There's no way out and his spinning head and injuries have taken their toll. For a moment, he's sure he sees Raph, rushing to cover his shell like in the good days before Donnie vanished, before Splinter died... and before he lost his arm... and for a moment his hope swells. Then the shadow shifts, instead highlighting a short, thickset soldier with twin guns and he fires.

And Mike falls, darkness consuming him

-:-

Instantly alert, Raphael gives a respectful nod to Splinter's grave before silently melting into the shadows. He isn't aware of any noise or movement but still, he listens to his instincts and watches with eye slit. It's several minutes before he sees anything but then Mike slips cautiously from the cover of darkness to approach their father's final resting place.

For a moment, Raph desperately aches to go to his brother but he knows he lost the right to do so nearly twelve years ago; the night he abandoned him after that terrible battle where they lost so much...

The night they lost Casey and Mikey lost his arm...

The night that Raph left Mikey on the rebel's doorstep.

He hadn't had the skill to help his brother, only Donatello had but he'd been gone for five years by then. April at least had access to a few medically trained people working with her group and Raph knew they were Mikey's only hope. Even as Raph walked away afterwards, April had begged him to stay but he'd been mostly alone for years by then and after what happened during that battle, he couldn't bring himself to stay as she'd asked.

It was nearly a year after Mikey's, now Mike's from what April told him, life changing injury before his brother was seen on the streets again. The anniversary of their missing brother's disappearance had brought Mikey, who'd taken it the worst, out into the open to visit their father. When he didn't return for hours, April became worried and contacted Raph, asking him to find and make sure Mike was okay. Raph eventually found Mike attacking Shredder's forces and approached him worriedly at the sight of his brother fighting alone and bleeding.

Mike had been furious at Raph for leaving and not coming back and so lashed out. It was that moment when Raph realised just how much Mike had changed and that he deserved no forgiveness for his part in it.

Out of the corner of his eye, Raph notices Mike finally finish talking to their father and leave, so he trails at a distance, careful not to come too close and tip his brother off that he's being followed.

For the next few hours, Mike takes out enemy after enemy and Raph's impressed at how much his brother's skill has grown over the years; he was always very good but had never taken things seriously in the past. Things had changed a lot since...

Suddenly, in the distance, Mike straightens stiffly and then runs. To Raph's horror, moments later, multiple explosions tear up five kids... and a wall collapses, catching and burying his brother.

Frantic with fear, Raph begins running towards the detonation site, determined to dig his brother out and hoping like hell he's still alive. That's when he sees ten soldiers armed with bazookas of some kind come out from hiding and cautiously creep towards where the downed ninja lay buried.

"Fuck!" Raph hisses savagely. He veers off towards the nearest of the enemy soldiers, taking him out silently and permanently from behind, before rushing for the next, praying that Mike will stay down until he finishes clearing the enemy.

By the time Raph dispatches three of the bloody cowards, Mike appears from the rubble and Raph watches helplessly as the remaining soldiers fire.

Furious and almost out of control, Raph quickly tears into the next traitorous human before moving onto the next. That's when he sees Mike, obviously injured, disappearing around a corner with the remaining soldiers on his shell.

Faster than he thought capable, Raph chases after the mob, terrified that by the time he catches up, it'll be far too late.

-:-

The sounds of a fight draw Raph into a narrow, rubble strewn alleyway and as he rounds the corner, he hears a sickening, wet, gurgling 'hurk'. Heart racing in fear, he sees a soldier fall and Mike wobbling on his feet, spent. Another foolish human steps out in front, with eyes only for Raph's injured brother and Mike sees him, but with nothing left to give, he collapses forward, chin first into the ground as the soldier fires. Raph cringes at the sound even as he charges his brother's attacker like an angry mother bear, solid, fierce and terrifyingly fast.

By the time Raph is aware of himself again, the traitor is laying in a mangled ruin and gurgling his last blood filled breath on top of Mike's prone form and Raph immediately glares without sympathy around the alley for any other assailants. Satisfied there's no one else, he frantically drops to his knees beside Mike, desperate to know that his brother is still alive and pushes the dead body off of him.

To his immense relief, though laboured, Mike still breathes. Raph gives his brother a quick once over discovering that though Mike's in bad shape, gashes and dark bruising everywhere including his head, nothing seems broken and his life doesn't appear to be in immediate danger.

Aware that more of Shredder's forces will be on their way, possibly with worse than the expendable human soldiers, Raph knows they cannot linger. He takes a moment to wrap a few of the worst wounds, unwilling to leave a possible blood trail for anyone to follow.

Then Raph lifts his unconscious brother and leaves.

-:-

Gasping tiredly from the long, roundabout trek he was forced to take while carrying his brother's dead weight, Raph finally reaches the nearest rebel base. Luckily his approach is noticed and someone quickly meets him at the hidden entrance. It's not long later before he's gently placing Mike down on a cot in the infirmary and the irony isn't lost on him. The last time he was this close to Mike, he was doing the exact same thing.

Raph watches anxiously from the infirmary door as the medic takes care of Mike, reassuring Raph that his brother will be just fine with several days of rest and recovery. Once the medic leaves, Raph edges back just inside the door, fighting temptation to rush to Mike's side and take his hand. All he wants is to comfort Mike the way he used to be able, but too many years have passed; too many years filled with pain, bitterness and anger and Raph knows he is no longer welcome.

Hanging his head with shame and self loathing, Raph steps backwards through the door, closing it with an uncharacteristic gentleness and leaves without looking back.

-:-

"Raph! Where are you going?"

Her voice is filled with a unique combination of anger, sympathy and love and Raph stops in his tracks and sighs, physically unable to ignore April O'Neil, co-leader of the rebellion, friend and the nearest thing to family he has left.

"Away," Raph answers, sharper than he intends. Then a little softer, "I can't stay, April. You know that!"

"I know no such thing, Raphael," April replies, allowing a sliver of desperation to seep into her voice. "He needs you, Raph and so do I."

Raph turns to look directly into the face of his oldest friend. In the face of the hell their lives have become, she has long since learnt to school her emotions, to put the greater good above her personal needs and feelings, but now her expression slips and he sees the longing show clearly. Raph shakes his head once, a fast, sharp move. "He doesn't need someone like me," Raph says bitterly. He turns his head aside, unable to keep looking into April's eyes.

"You're his brother, of course he needs you. He'd be dead by now if not for you."

Raph can't argue with that but nor can he risk rejection again. "That might be true but I can't Ape... Mike can't stand the sight of me any more; he made that pretty clear eleven years ago."

"That was a long time ago, Raph; he was hurt and angry over so much. Stay," she pleaded, "you know better than anyone that Mike's not the type to hold a grudge, especially if you take the time to talk to him."

Raph aches to believe her but, 'I can't,' he thinks desperately even as he does his best to hide his feelings and instead says, "I gotta go, April. You know how to find me if you need me." He starts walking away once more.

"Raph!" April calls plaintively after him.

He pauses, then calls back softly over his shoulder, ignoring the faint crack in his voice and hoping like hell that April doesn't notice. "He can't know I was here."

"But Raph..."

"Promise me you won't tell him, April. It'll only hurt him more."

Without waiting for a response, he walks away, feeling April's helpless gaze on his shell long after he's melted into the shadows.

-:-

For the briefest of moments, a faint scent wafts over him, enough to give him a sense of nostalgia, followed by the strongest feeling of homesickness he's felt in years. He swallows, quelling the whimper that threatens to rise; in a world gone mad, he learnt long ago to wake silently, no matter what pain he feels, physical or emotional.

Mike slits his eyes open the tiniest of cracks; enough to allow him to look around, yet without giving away the fact that he's awake to any potential nearby enemy. It doesn't take long before he sees April seated close by and realises he's somewhere safe.

"How..." Mike croaks, throat pained from lack of use, water and dust.

April relaxes, a look of intense relief filling her features. "You've been here for almost a day and a half now," she says, moving closer to help Mike sit up before handing him a dented and stained metal mug filled with water.

Mike takes a slow sip, thankful for the soothing relief the room temperature liquid gives him. He shakes his head and tries again. "No... How'd I get here?"

Instantly his friend's face becomes unreadable. "An ally of the rebellion rescued you at the last moment and brought you back to us."

Mike simply stares at her before bringing the cup back to his dry lips, drinking again.

"How are you feeling?" April suddenly asks, obviously trying to change the subject, but Mike, once and still a master of distraction, refuses to be swayed so easily.

"It was Raph, wasn't it?" he asks softly, remembering the faint impression he'd felt just before everything went dark. "I know he follows me on the anniversary every year."

April hesitates then nods reluctantly. "How do you know that?"

With a harsh laugh, Mike explains, "I'm a ninja, April. Since Master Splinter died, I've had to learn to pay closer attention because I realised just how badly our team was unbalanced. Then when I lost my arm," he motioned with his stump, "I had to start watching my own shell because they were never there for me anymore.

"If any of them were still around, I bet they'd be amazed at my progress." He then adds bitterly, "Maybe if I'd paid more attention before, I wouldn't be alone now..."

April sits on the cot beside him, drawing the once buoyant turtle into a comforting hug. "You're not as alone as you think you are, Mike," she says softly, desperate to try to ease his pain.

Mike leans his head against hers for a moment before pulling away. "I know, April. I've still got you, but you've got a rebellion to run."

"And I can't do it without you," she says quietly. "So could you please stop with these yearly, solo attack runs of yours? It worries me, you being gone so long without a plan or backup."

Mike chuckles, "Is that why you asked Raph to watch over me?"

For a moment April is taken aback. "That was only that first year when you didn't come back after hours!" she protests.

Mike sighs. "I won't be doing that again," he promises. "Not on D day anyway. It was a trap, April..."

"Those children?" April gasps in horror.

Mike nods miserably, haunted by his memories of the young girl's tears and bravery; he didn't even know her name... Taking a deep breath, he explains what happened, leaning back against the wall tiredly as he finishes.

April sits silently for a minute, digesting Mike's horrific story. Then she looks up, determined. "I have to get the word out about this new low of Shredder's. You should get some more rest in the meantime."

"Yeah," Mike agrees quietly. Much as he hates to say it, he knows he isn't yet capable of walking around for long, not with the dizziness he still feels when he moves too fast or much.

April stands, "Would you like anything for the pain?"

"I'm fine," Mike assures while wishing he could say yes. "Save it for when it's really needed."

April nods gratefully, yet yearning to be able to do something more to help. Unfortunately, she knows better than most how scarce supplies are, medical or otherwise.

Mike sinks back into his cot, closing his eyes. He hears April say goodbye but doesn't acknowledge her, simply listening as she walks out, the door softly clicking closed behind her. Then he thinks about his remaining brothers. It's been five years since he last saw Leo and eleven for Raph. Leo, he's sure he would probably never notice, but Raph he at least senses every once in a while, watching him from a distance and not for the first time, pain washes over him as he wonders just why his brother goes out of his way to avoid him.

Both Leo and Raph always had the hardest time expressing how they really feel, especially when it came to words but to Mike, this is ridiculous, they're meant to be family! As much as he's grateful that Raph came when he needed it the most, he wishes that he'd just keep away; it'd be better than this continual hurt.

He can't take the loneliness any longer and knowing Raph is so close, yet so far, only makes it so much worse.

So Mike decides then and there to stop lamenting the past.

If his remaining brothers don't need him, then he's going to do everything in his power to avoid needing them ever again.

He's sick and tired of the constant pain and he won't allow his brothers to keep hurting him any longer.

With an unsettling feeling washing over him at his decision, which he tells himself is peace of mind, Mike rolls onto his side and tries to go back to sleep.

Owari

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