A/N: Alright, so here I am with another KakaSaku and… well, you'll see. Also, wanted to say that I find the format of very inconvenient.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything.
Because Of You
By Violet Karuto
.
"Kakashi?"
"Hm?"
"…Nothing"
Assuming nothing more to be said, he resumed his reading. It was a blossoming spring day in the village of Konoha, and people are taking advantage of the fair weather in the form of outdoor activities. Many empty fields are occupied by picnicking families, training shinobis, and lounging couples. Kakashi and Sakura fell into the last category.
It was Sakura who suggested they spend the fine day outside and a little quality time together. Kakashi didn't argue, but didn't agree either, so now here they are. The pink-haired shinobi grew well into her 19 years of age, blooming like the flower she was named after, hoping, if just for a little bit, that her reclusive teacher would notice her in other ways than one.
Their relationship started a little under three months ago. It was unrequited love on Sakura's part, she knew, but she was powerless under his understanding gaze and fell victim to his ambiguous nature. Back then, Kakashi did nothing of her untoward love, assuming that he knew, and did nothing after he gained knowledge of it.
So now here they are, under the majestic oak tree, with him reading his not so innocent book and her, lying next to him, thinking in a not so innocent manner. Sakura was getting impatient, she wanted to progress their relationship, do something more, not coming here every weekend in substitution to dating.
"Ne, Kakashi…?"
"What is it, Sakura?"
"Let's go to that new tea shop in the village. I heard from Ino they serve the best ice-cream sundaes."
"Later, maybe."
And she was left dejected, once again, from his noncommittal response. It's been like this for several weeks already, with him treating her like a sister, friend, acquaintance, anything but a descent lover. She was getting tired and sick of it, and, for a millisecond, doubted her own sanity of wanting to be with him.
As if sensing her hesitance, a hand reached out from the corner of her eyes and stroked her hair, trailing down to cup her face.
"We'll go later" was all he said before caressing her cheek for one last time and retracting his hand. Sakura, with all previous thoughts and doubts flying out of her head, lie meekly back down again.
It's happening again, his way of appeasement. Just when Sakura is on the edge of uncertainty, he would reach in unexpectedly and reassure her with a warmth that is out of his character. Granted, this is what she had hoped for, but for some uncanny reason, she felt like a kid being offered a lollipop after throwing a tantrum. She hated that calm and composed exterior of his because compared to him, her actions were clearly very childish and immature.
But I'm no child! Sakura thought fiercely. At the tender age of 19, she had already seen enough of war to make an average adult cringe. She's commonly seen in and around the medic building, helping, healing, giving out orders. She has made friends twice her age, lost others to war, and even killed to protect the rest. No, she's more than this 19 year old body, inside, she has aged considerably.
Yet for some reason, Kakashi still sees her as his 12 year old student, seeming oblivious to her change, and, perhaps, refusing to see how the consequences of war have affected her.
Perhaps that's why she loves him. Love? Yes, love. She understood enough to know the impact of that word. In essence, all Sakura wanted was a simple life, finding the other half whom she could spend the rest of her life with. Kakashi can give her all that, she's almost certain.
"Come on, Sakura, let's go to that shop of yours" Kakashi closed his book with a snap and got up. Dusting himself briefly, he offered a hand to Sakura.
Putting her hand inside his, she let herself be pulled upward and was disappointed when he retracted it back into his pocket. Kakashi, since the start of their "relationship", has never shown any physical contact with Sakura in public, though everyone already knew about them. They always walked with a considerable amount of distance between them, not so far as to feel like strangers, but not so close to seem too intimate.
"So, how's your training with Tsunande?" Kakashi asked lightly as they walked side by side.
"Tiring, but fine. We started a new subject on Poison"
"Ah, and how is that going along?" It was a meaningless chatter engaged to pass time, she knew, the pleasantries, the inquiries, the formalness of it all. But it was routine and she hated herself for getting used to it.
"Fine- Kakashi? I think we need to talk." she stopped. Bravo, Sakura, straight to the point. She cheered herself on while mentally giving herself a pat on the back.
"Hm?" Kakashi stopped a few steps ahead and turned his head, training his eye on her.
"Uh…" Here, Sakura fidgeted. If she felt this nervous when he's staring at her with one eye, imagine how she would fare with both eyes on her! She shuddered.
"I mean…I think we should talk about this….us, I mean…" She rubbed her forehead with the palm of her hand. This is getting nowhere.
"Us…?" Kakashi turned back fully and walks towards her, Sakura fought down the urge to back away. The jounin stood over her as she stare determinedly at her sandals. She heard him sigh.
"Sakura…" he reached out and placed his finger under her chin, tipping her head upward. Gently, he leaned down, pulled down his mask, and kissed her forehead. The feeling of his cool feathery kiss contrasted strongly to the heat that is currently running up her face.
"We'll talk about this later" and he walks ahead once again. Silently, she followed him and they resumed their walk.
Sakura felt like she had been given another lollipop.
-.-
The visit to the tea shop was uneventful, with neither of them speaking about the incident. They enjoyed a nice sundae, commented on the cinnamon cookies, and left. Kakashi suggested on going to his apartment and Sakura gave a hesitant consent.
To tell the truth, Sakura has been to his apartment a few times already. They did nothing indecent, however much to Sakura's disappointment, since these visits were done largely on a friendly basis. So Sakura's current hammering heart is due, not to a possible passionate night, but to an unavoidable talk that might blow up in her face.
"Sit" Kakashi said gently, and Sakura sat diligently on one of the gray plush sofas.
While Kakashi is preparing tea in the kitchen, Sakura grabbed a faded tangerine cushion from her side and buried her face in it. What was she going to do? One brash thought with one impatient nature was all it took to create this whole predicament, and now it's too late to do anything.
Silently brooding, Sakura didn't notice the two steaming hot tea on the table with one speculative Kakashi sitting across from her. She jumped when he cleared his throat.
"Well, I-"
"Sakura." She immediately clamped her mouth shut and waited.
"I have something to tell you"
Sakura looked up from the cups on the table and stared at him. His stiff and tense posture made her nervous because Kakashi was never one to worry over frivolous things, and if he did, then it means serious business. Sakura placed the cushion on her lap and tried to discern something, anything, from his face. Although he is considered by most to be unreadable, mostly due to that ill-placed mask and hitae, she didn't spend the last 3 months with him in vain. She had learned something from his gaze, the instances when his eyebrow would twitch, and the slightest movement of his mouth under that cloth, and she is damn proud of herself.
Now, however, she couldn't even tell if he was happy or angry, just an empty feeling; she didn't like it one bit.
"I've been given a mission to retrieve a scroll from the Sand Country."
"Oh." This is nothing new, they've been separated by missions many times than she can count besides, the Sand Country is one of their allies now.
"We haven't determine the success rate of this mission, however"
"Success rate…?" Sakura narrowed her eyes at this. What's so hard about it? Unless… "What exactly does this mission entail, Kakashi?"
There was no response and Sakura gripped the cushion even harder.
"It is expected that we might come upon an opposing force… a formidable force"
Sakura frowned, forgetting the reason they were here in the first place. The Sand Country wouldn't attack them if they knew that Konoha jounins are coming to "retrieve" the scroll. Maybe the "force" isn't of the Sand Country, maybe…
"…the Akatsuki?" If Kakashi heard the fear behind the voice, he did nothing to dissipate it.
"But… why?"
"You know I can't tell you that, Sakura"
"But…" it was hard holding her tears in, she felt her voice crack at the next statement "why you…? Why- but- you're already…"
"I volunteered"
The words shocked her into a moment of silence, a second of stillness that she could feel even her heart stopped beating. He promised her he wouldn't go on those types of mission anymore, this sort of thing rivals almost to the ANBU level.
"What….?" He sighed.
"They needed someone who can track the enemies well…and…I volunteered."
"How…You…How could you?" The tears ran freely down her face and she furiously wiped them away with the heels of her palm.
"Sakura…" He looks at her sadly, "I had no choice… they needed me….Konoha needed me"
"Don't give me any of that! You damn well KNEW you had a choice!" Out of frustration, she threw the cushion blindly in his direction and watched as he caught it in midair. He stood up as well.
"Sakura…"
"You promised! You swore! You said we could BE together!"
"Sakura, I.." he sighed again, "I did mean it, but my priority will always be Konoha, you KNOW that." He walked towards her and set his hands on her shoulder while Sakura fought to control herself. At last, her shoulder slumped.
"Yes, I know, and I hate it" she shut her eyes in denial, hoping the tears would stop, "Konoha has already taken away Sasuke and my parents, is it going to take you away also, Kakashi?"
Arms went around her and crushed her to his chest, Sakura clung onto his back tightly as she cried uncontrollably. Kakashi kissed the side of her head lightly while his heart clenched from seeing the broken shinobi.
"Sakura… This is why I dislike being so committed in a relationship" he loosened his hold on her and lifted her chin up, wiping away a few stray tears "It has been a hard journey for both you and I, these three months, but I didn't regret it one bit."
Sakura sniffed slightly and, despite the circumstances, looked at him curiously. Why is he telling her this?
"You gave me back the joy of life, Sakura" he looked gently down at her, "and I can't thank God enough for giving you to me. See how foolish I was trying to push you away from me?"
Sakura was speechless. The amount of words spilled from his mouth is more than he spoke this whole week put together! Dazed, she looked at him, trying to understand the words.
"But this is now, and Konoha needs me now" The change of tone happened so abruptly that Sakura felt disoriented. "I don't regret being with you, Sakura, but I also don't regret pledging my life to Konoha."
Silence dominated a full second before Sakura broke it with a question that has been nagging her since they started this conversation.
"How long?"
"I…don't know. Nobody does"
Sakura absorbed the answer slowly, hoping her emotions don't choke on her. Then she got what's left of her courage and looked at him.
"When are you leaving?" Kakashi's arm seem to freeze around her. Tense, as if preparing for onslaught.
"Tonight" he turned his head away from her as he said this.
Sakura was silent once again, and Kakashi hoping against hope that she wouldn't start crying again; he can't bear it a second time.
"I've been meaning to tell you all week… but haven't got the chance."
"Haven't got….the chance?" She seemed confused at this, yet there is an undertone of suppressed anger.
"Sakura, I-"
POP
Sakura jumped in Kakashi's arm while his expression turned grave. The source of the sound came from the front door, which, as far as Sakura can see, is but a puff of smoke, suspended in midair.
/Tsunande-sama requests the presence of one Kakashi Hatake/ The smoke seem to ring an echo in the tiny condo as Sakura stared at it /He is to be prepared and packed in ten minutes/ With that, the smoke dissipated and both occupants stared at it.
"That…?"
"…is a message from the Hokage. I have to leave, Sakura"
"No…" She started to shake her head frantically, grabbing a hold on his vest.
"Sakura…" He gently pried her fingers off and walked towards a closed door, his bedroom, Sakura supplied quietly, behind her and picked up a backpack by the door.
"You know this has to happen sometime", he said quietly, "It's how we live, it's how I live."
She nodded, staring at the floor.
Kakashi shouldered his back and walked towards the door while Sakura stood motionlessly. She wanted to reach out, to hold him, to FEEL him. But she can't because she knows she's weak, she would try to make him stay. Apparently, he also have the same idea because he turned back abruptly and started towards her before he stopped himself.
"Sakura…I…I…" he looked at her desperately, hoping she would understand, letting her feel his desire, longing, and regret, and knowing that if he said those three little words then she would hang on to his memory indefinitely if he failed. He will not have that, he will make her move on and forget him, it's the least he can do.
Kakashi turned again and briskly walked out the door, leaving it open behind him. Sakura still stood at the same place where he held her just moments ago and buried her face in her hands though no tears flowed from it.
"I love you too"
A/N: Huzzah! Even though I'm still not off my KakaSaku angst (yes, I've turned it into a noun for everyday use), I finally manage to create some FLUFFY-ness to it. God! And here I thought I would be writing KakaSaku mellow/angst for the rest of my life! Thank heavens I'm wrong! (I also happens to LOVE reading KakaSaku fluff. I've finally managed some on my own!)
Actually this, at first, was intended to be a song-fic, but as I doodled along, I realized I couldn't fit the song in anywhere because the plot somehow deviated from the song. So, the only significant part you'll ever see that screams 'Song-Fic!' would be the title, "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson (I adore her). Even though the title has no relevance to the story, I'm still keeping it because that's what got me started in the first place.
If any of you have read my previous KakaSaku's, you'll notice that I have made Kakashi into a complete bastard in this one. In a sense, this Kakashi is very OOC to me, but probably not to some of you depending on how you view him as. (On a side note, I kinda portrayed this Kakashi, in the beginning, after Shigure Sohma from the manga Fruits Basket. Anyone else a fan?)
As I look over this story again, I realized (Realization tends to grab on whenever I write my Author's Note, as does my parenthesis usage) that I could've probably made this a full fledge story and probably devise a happier ending than this sobbry (sob + story) one. I kinda flew through the second part of the story, wanting to get this over with.
On a final note, I've been thinking of getting a beta but given my who-knows-when updates, I don't think he/she'll last very long. (I was given the impression that betas with their authors are usually on a very tight schedule, something like an update every 2 weeks are so. Someone want to enlighten me on the nature of betas?) Anyways, it's just a thought.
Oh, and if YOU also have a thought, then please contribute it by pressing that lovely review button down there.
Until next time.