Author' Note: Whoo! Finally finished this thing, and now it's 12:38 in the morning! Don't you hate it when the Fanfiction Fairy strikes, and you just can't stop writing, even IF it's the wee hours of the morning?

Well, this is a Carlisle oneshot, which shouldn't surprise anyone if they've read Without You (which is on my old profile-I've got a link for it on my new profile). It turned out not at all how I expected, but I like it, nevertheless. My overall point was still made: the fact that Carlisle really does hold the Cullen family together, even when he's barely keeping it together himself. I'd be so interested to see what people think about it!

I suggest two songs for this rather brief story:

Jadynn's Lyllaby- by Dax Johnson (he has such beautiful music, and it all reminds me of Carlisle) .com/watch?v=JkumK-R_mM0&feature=PlayList&p=30AC1ACFF5688B1B&playnext_from=PL&playnext=1

and, oddly enough, Fix You-by Coldplay .com/watch?v=pY9b6jgbNyc&feature=PlayList&p=67CEE19A117E9C4A&playnext_from=PL&index=6 ( this song does so remind me of Carlisle in his more depressed moments)

Enjoy!

Damage Control

The woman had bled out on my table.

I had watched her fade slowly. The color that had already leached from her cheeks became non-existent while the red that had stolen her life away from me grew in volume and color, pooling over the surface of the operating table. Naturally, we had tried everything to save her. I had tried everything to stop the blood, to keep her with us.

Sometimes, my everything isn't enough.

That's one of the realities of being a surgeon, and one that took me nearly half a century to reconcile with my supernatural abilities. I often consoled myself that if I couldn't save a patient-I, with a mind as efficient as a super-computer and senses as sharp as a predator's-no one could.

That consolation only carried me so far, however, and today it was hollow comfort. If I had only gotten that woman the minute the accident had taken place, I was sure I could have saved her. But the paramedics had mistaken the other driver's injuries as more serious than hers, and they had brought him in first. If only they had seen the lesions on her stomach underneath her back brace, they would have known it was internal bleeding from the start. That poor woman might have been recovering in the ICU rather than-

Stop that, I told myself as I pulled onto our drive. You did all you could, Carlisle. Let it go.

And I replied to myself, Easier said than done.

I knew something was astir in the house as soon as I stepped out of the car. All the children were home from school by this time except for Edward, who was gone to Denali. All of my adopted children at home at once could lead to problems. There were low noises coming from the front room that sounded too much like snarls for me to dismiss them. Wary now, I sprinted to the porch, ready to intervene if necessary. I stopped when I heard the snarls erupt into voices.

"Don't you dare take this out on Carlisle!" I could distinguish Esme's voice more easily than any voice on the earth, but I was shocked to hear my wife's words accompanied by soft growls.

"And why not?" Rosalie snarled back, her musical voice ruptured by anger. "It's his fault, isn't it? It's his fault none of us can control ourselves!"

"Rosalie Lillian, you know you're making excuses for yourself and your siblings!"

"Esme's right, Rosalie," Alice said fiercely. I could imagine my newest daughter's lips pulled savagely back from her teeth. "It's true that we're vampires, but we're all old enough to make our own choices, and Edward will be the first one to tell you that."

"Edward's not here because of Carlisle!" screamed Rosalie.

I felt like I had been slapped in the face. But...Edward had left for Denali because of Bella, not me. Hadn't he?

Emmett broke in, his voice troubled. "Rose, what are you-"

"If he wasn't so worried about what Carlisle would think, how Carlisle would react, he might just do the right thing by himself and eliminate this nuisance!"

I heard someone gasp, and then Alice spoke. "Rosalie, he can hear you. Carlisle's right outside."

"Fine!" I backed away from the door as it was wrenched open, the edges splintering. Rosalie's eyes burned into me from within her stunning face, and she snarled anew as her gaze met mine. "I hope you heard me, Carlisle, because I meant every word I said!"

I stood at the edge of the porch, staring at my daughter. Behind Rosalie, Esme, Alice, and Emmett peered at me, their faces tense. I wondered dimly where Jasper was. I noticed vaguely that Esme had rearranged the living room again.

Rosalie continued after barely a nanosecond of silence. "Edward's gone because of the incessant pressure of your saintly record weighing on him all the time! He thinks that he should have the same freakish control that you do, and it's just not going to happen! Do you realize what you've done to him, Carlisle? Do you?" When I didn't respond, she stepped onto the porch, growling.

"Rosalie," Esme snapped, "this is not Carlisle's fault!"

"Do you?" repeated Rosalie irately.

I didn't answer, my mind a thousand miles away in Denali. I thought of the look in my son's eyes as he told me he was leaving. I thought of Edward with Tanya's family, seeking reprieve from the temptation of Bella Swan's blood. Thoughts of blood drew me back to the moments from my last surgery and the face of the dying woman.

With a blink, I realized Rosalie was talking. No, not talking-screaming, in my face. My vampire instinct automatically forced my body to tense as I read the aggression in Rose's stance. Venom flooded my mouth.

"Are you even listening to me? You are so arrogant, Carlisle! You expect him to live up to your golden reputation! You don't even know what it's like to want someone's blood that badly, and yet Edward thinks his thirst is worse than killing someone! Do you have any idea how he agonizes over it? He thinks he's unworthy of your approval!"

I took a breath, swallowing to contain the venom that had pulsed through me at Rosalie's anger. No matter how much I tried, however, my body refused to relax. I hoped I didn't look like I wanted to hurt her.

"-ever occurs to you how much he tries! And yet he almost slips one time, and you decide to banish him to Alaska!"

"Rosalie," Emmett interjected, "haven't you said en-"

"NO, I HAVE NOT!" Rosalie stabbed her finger very close to my face. I felt myself flinch slightly. "EDWARD'S GUILT IS YOUR FAULT! AND DO YOU EVEN CARE, CARLISLE?"

That was enough.

Rosalie couldn't have known how heartbreaking my day had been, and so I didn't say anything for fear of taking out my pain and frustration on her. I simply sidestepped her, went to the door, and walked deliberately up the stairs to my study. As I reached to close the door, I took another breath, commanding my hand not to crush the wood to dust beneath my fingers. I shut the door with the most minimal of movements, making the smallest noise possible as the panel swung shut on its well-oiled hinges.

Even with my vampire senses, I heard no sound from the living room.

And as soon as the lock had clicked shut, I allowed myself to feel.

My hands clenched and balled into fists at my side, and I turned from the door so I wouldn't fling it open and unleash my angst on the family. I felt my iron-hard fingernails dig into my palms, but I allowed them to do so. No one could see me here, locked into my place of study and intellect. It was ironic to me that this was often the place where I felt as far from humanity as Seattle was from Singapore.

My hands began to shake, but as I looked at them, I discovered that my whole body was shaking: from anger, or from sorrow? I honestly couldn't tell. Closing my eyes, I was tense again, but perhaps more rigid than before. With a half-snarl, I flung myself into the chair in the corner of the room usually reserved for Esme.

I breathed three times, my thorax filling with air at each inhalation.

On the first breath, I filled myself with thoughts of Edward. I loved Edward and I did not want him to change any part of himself for me. He could be a challenging son, but he could also be a beacon of truth and righteousness to me when I floundered. Edward could always tell when I needed to be left alone, which wasn't very often. In the first few years of our relationship, I all but stifled him with my need for a companion. Edward was good; he shone so brightly in my life I referred to the constellation Sirius as "Edward" in my mind, when I was miles from him and he couldn't read my nauseatingly sentimental thoughts.

On the second breath, I thought of Esme. It was as though her name triggered some kind of endorphin in my brain: my muscles uncoiled themselves from their tense state and my hands smoothed themselves out on the arms of the chair. My nose was inundated by her scent as I breathed in. Esme had been the best thing to cross my life in three hundred years. I couldn't believe she had spoken to Rosalie that way-Rosalie, her child in everything but blood-just in my defense. Did Rosalie know how much that must have hurt Esme, to speak to her like that? Without conscious thought I rose from my seat and made it five steps to the door. I needed to comfort Esme, she would be tearing herself to pieces over her argument with Rose.

But I caught myself. I couldn't hold Esme yet, not until I had taken the third breath.

I stood still and closed my eyes, tasting the air as it ran through my throat.

I thought of Rosalie, and admitted to myself that I was upset by her accusations. Then, I let myself admit that I was offended. I finally let myself know that I was furious. A growl slid from between my teeth. Didn't Rose know how I had worried myself to distraction when Edward told me about Bella? How I had sat in my office at the hospital and wondered what else I could have done to help him rather than just throw my keys at him? Did she not think that I loved Edward every bit as much as she did? I would have let Edward kill Isabella Swan...if I hadn't known he would kill himself over it. If it had been the right thing for my son, didn't she think I would silence my own opinions and let him seek relief?

But that was why I had let him go. I had known Edward would hate himself for years afterwards if he had done this thing. I sympathized with his fear of his thirst for Bella. I knew what it was like to feel helpless in the face of something out of your control. I lived with that feeling every week of my life, just as I had this afternoon.

The third breath dissipated into the air of my study, and I opened my eyes.

Of course Rosalie didn't know. How could she know the inner workings of my mind? I didn't share these feelings with her; it wasn't my place to burden her with my own anxiety. How could she know I had lost a patient? Barring Alice, she couldn't. Rose was tempestuous and let her emotions overrule her rationality. Knowing this about her, I needed to acknowledge her feelings and do my best to understand her.

And I needed to do this right now.
Anyone, humans included, could have heard a pin drop from anywhere in our house as I emerged from my study. The silence was eerie, considering the uproar that had taken place minutes ago. I looked out over the stairs and saw that everyone was standing where I had left them, frozen like sculptures in a violent art gallery. I descended the stairs in human speed and stopped at the last step. "Rosalie?"

Rose was still in the doorway with her arms crossed, her back to me. At the sound of my voice she turned. I could read some traces of fury on her face, but mostly I saw worry. Stiffly, she moved to stand in front of me.

I took my fourth breath. "Rosalie, I'm sorry I haven't talked to you about Edward. I knew you were concerned for him, but I didn't know to what depth your concern reached. I'm sorry I didn't explain why Edward came to me when he decided to head for Alaska. Is there anything else you wanted to say to me?"

"No, Carlisle," Rosalie said, her lips hardly moving. She tightened her arms across her chest. "Carlisle...I didn't mean half of what I just said to you." She looked up at the ceiling, failing to hold on to her steely indifference. "I...was mad at...somebody else. I took it out on you."

I smiled weakly. "I'm sure some of what you said was true." Probably all of it was true, to a certain extent.

Rosalie snorted. "Yeah, right."

Emmett came over and slung his arm gently over Rosalie's shoulders. "Come on, babe. Let's go hunt."

I turned to Esme, who had stayed frozen throughout my discussion with Rose. I opened my arms and waited. To my joy, it took Esme approximately five seconds to notice my cry for affection. She came alive and flitted into my embrace. I hugged her to me, burying my face in her hair. "You smell much better than your chair," I said.

Esme laughed. "I love you, darling." She raised her face and saw Rosalie and Emmett dart to the back door. I felt her lurch toward them in my arms, her hands leaving my waist to stretch toward them. "Wait. Rosalie, forgive me for snapping at you. I just wanted you to see-" She touched my face. "It wasn't Carlisle. I just wanted to make you hear how-"

"I know, Esme," said Rosalie, holding up her hand. "You would have been justified in chewing me out, even if you didn't. And if you think a little growling was snapping at me, you need to check and see if you're really a vampire."

"Carlisle knows I am," Esme said, smiling.

A flash of black at my elbow materialized into Alice, who was towing a brooding Jasper with her. "Carlisle," Alice demanded, "tell him it's okay! Jasper is convinced this argument was his fault for not controlling a spike of annoyance he had today."

"I'm convinced because it's true," muttered Jasper, glaring at his sweetheart. "Alice willfully blinds herself to the fact that whenever I'm in a bad mood, everybody in this house gets short with each other."

I took my hand from encircling Esme and laid it on Jasper's shoulder. "Jasper, I can say with perfect confidence that this family got very short with each other before you and Alice arrived. I would wager that, if anything, you've prevented this from happening much more than you instigate it."

Jasper didn't lift his head, but I saw the frown on his face smooth itself into a more tranquil line, and I felt a crisp sense of calm wash over me.

"Oh, no, you couldn't take my word for it when I said exactly the same thing," Alice said in exasperation. "You just had to hear it from Carlisle."

"As a matter of fact, I did," Jasper said, wrapping his arm around her. "What's it to you, pixie woman?"

For a moment Alice paused, her slight smile warm as she looked at me. "Everything," she answered. And then she pulled Jasper to the back door, leaving me alone with the one person who could soothe my soul.