No I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid
Just as long as you stand, stand by me

It's been three months since that day. Three months and four days to be exact, not that I'm counting you understand. It's strange because it feels as if those three months have gone by in the blink of an eye, and at the same time it feels as if time stood still, like nothing in the world has happened since I got that call.

Even as I crashed through the door that day, breathless and panicked, I knew I was already too late. I saw it on their faces; nobody had to speak a word. In fact I'm not sure that anybody did speak, not for the longest time.

Myra looked at me with eyes that tore into my soul. I'd never seen so much pain, so much grief on one persons face before, I had to look away but the sight of the other people in the room didn't help. Michaela sat with her arms wrapped around her body, rocking back and forward in her seat staring blankly at the floor. Carmel had her arm around her youngest sister, mascara coloured tears streaked her face but she made no effort to clear them away. Mercedes stood silently in the corner, her face a picture of outrage as if she was looking for someone to blame, but there was nobody that she could. And Jacqui. Poor, brave, strong Jacqui. Leaning back against the wall with her arms folded across her chest, a barrier to anyone who might try and get too close. Holding in her pain for fear that, should she let it loose, it might consume her.

I know I fell to the floor at this point. I must have hit the ground hard, as for days later my knees showed the evidence of deep purple bruising, but I felt nothing. I didn't cry or speak or even move. Everything inside me seemed to be gone and I was empty. I could fell the cold hollow in my chest as I slumped to the ground and gave in.

I suppose someone must have eventually pulled me up. Was it one of his sisters, his mother or a nurse? I have no idea. The world stopped mattering that day, stopped spinning and I stopped existing.

---

I won't cry, I won't cry, no I won't shed a tear
Just as long as you stand, stand by me

A few days later I looked at myself in the mirror as I straightened my tie. I didn't recognise the person I saw. I seemed so different now, so vacant, so much less than the person I had once been. I felt the weight of a hand on my shoulder and turned to see the sympathetic smile of my older brother.

I suppose I should have been grateful for his support but instead he just made me angry. I lashed out at him as I turned, my fist connecting with his jaw but he made no attempt to stop me.

"This is all your fault," I screamed irrationally at him, raining blows down on his chest until he was forced to grab my wrists to stop me. "All your fault," I repeated, "If you hadn't come to the airport… if you hadn't made me say those things… he would have come to Dublin with me… he'd be safe now…"

It was then that the tears finally came. I didn't really blame Jake, if anything I blamed myself. If I had been stronger that day or if I had been more confident in my love. So may ifs but not one of them would change a thing now.

Jake pulled me against his chest and held me there while I sobbed. He didn't say anything, he knew there were no words that could soothe me; he just held me close while I finally gave in to the pain that tore through my chest.

I suppose some people could see a kind of perverted poetic justice in the situation. Just as my brother had once taken away somebody that the Valentine family loved now the love of my life had been snatched from me. That beautiful, gentle boy had been mown down in the street and left there alone. It was already too late when they got him to the hospital. Much too late by the time I arrived. I was always too late. Too late to say goodbye and too late to fight for the love I so desperately needed.

---

Whenever you're in trouble won't you stand by me, oh now now stand by me
Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

Myra wanted a traditional goodbye for her son but as we stood by the dark open hole in the ground I felt afraid. It terrified me to think of the boy, the man, the person that I loved left alone in the cold damp ground and I wanted to scream at them not to leave him there.

I think Myra understood my anguish and the support of her arm around me gave me greater comfort than anything anyone else could ever offer. I had always thought that Myra saw me as the man who hurt her son but as she looked at me with gentle sad eyes, eyes that so reflected the soft blue ones I had adored so much, I knew that she also saw me as the man who loved her son.

"It's not our John Paul in there anymore," Myra whispered softly to me, "But as long as you keep him in your heart he'll still be with us somewhere…"

I put my arm around Myra's waist and hugged her to me. I think it was the first time I had ever hugged her and I expect it will be the last. But for that moment we understood each other. We knew how much the loss of him hurt and we held on tightly to the memories of the boy we loved.

---

When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we'll see
No I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid
Just as long as you stand, stand by me

It's been three months since that day. Three months and four days to be exact, not that I'm counting you understand. Every day I think of him and every day I miss him. I keep his picture by my bed. Sometimes it can be a torture, but mostly it's a comfort.

For a few months in my life the most beautiful man in the world loved me. For a few months I knew how it felt to be content. For a few months I knew happiness.

I sometimes wonder if I will ever find that again. If I do I'll know how to cherish it this time, I'll know not to let it slip through my fingers and not to run and hide just because I get scared. But whatever happens to me in the future I know that there will always be a part of my heart that will only ever belong to John Paul McQueen.