Title: The Fight for Edward?
Series: Twilight
Author: Kadirva
Rating: T for Language and adult content (Nothing graphic sorry folks!)
Summary: Move over Bella there's a new girl out for Edwards attention and it's... Relena from Gundam Wing? Can this princess woo Edward away from his precious Bella? You'd better read to find out! Rated
"Edward~ Come and kill me!" Relena's obnoxiously pitched voice demanded from a cliff that was manufactured just to make this scene seem even more dramatic and awesome.
"Edward? What happened to that Hiiro guy you were stalking, Miss Relena? Finally realize that he was gay for any man with long hair…your brother included?" This new voice was snide as Dorothy Catalonia sauntered into view. Why she was at the dramatic cliff in the middle of nowhere was a mystery, but then again the fork eye-browed blonde was nothing but a prose-spewing mystery cliché anyway.
"He has bad personal hygiene." The pretty pink princess of the world answered with a disdainful sniff. "He smells and is dirty all the time! I thought he had perfect hair but it just turns out it's stuck that way because it's so full of grease and dirt! Also? He breaks the most vital of fashion rules… never wear the same thing two days in a row!" This obviously was the last straw in her love for the angsty pilot of unit 01.
"This is a war, Miss Relena. I know that might be hard to remember during your tea parties with Mr. Snuggles and Miss Bunnylumpkins but it's true." Someday she would throw off this goody best friend farce and just kill that whiner for her position just you wait and see! The world deserved to be ruled by a great beauty with the most amazing eyebrows the universe had ever seen! Obviously it was her calling in life to be the best damned, sexy hot hot mama queen of awesomeness.
"War is no excuse. Haven't you played Final Fantasy X-2 yet? An outfit for every occasion is required of all good warriors of justice! Hiiro's obviously not the hero I'd thought he was…. Besides, He's nothing like Edward." The last bit was said with an obviously enamored tone that dripped with more sugary sweetness than even Willy Wonka's candy factory had ever had. "And he's so very clean and handsome! Even his breath smells good like the finest of flowers! And supposedly he sparkles! You know I must have every shining glittery thing I see! His torso is said to be chiseled and hard as the finest of granite and you know I require the best. For the longest time that was my pink glittering vibrating bunny but now there is Edward! He is hard as granite and he has more sparkles even! I must simply have him. He makes my womanly insides swoon with ecstasy at the mere mention of his name!"
It took Dorothy a moment to regain her composure enough to even respond to this atrocity as she'd been overwhelmed by the: falling sakura blossoms, the shoujo bubbles, the glitter, the pink hearts, the singing birds, and every other cliched shoujo romance device that has ever been used including the image of Relena and her new sparkling granite vampire sex toy frolicking in a meadow. It was understandable that it would be a while before she regained her composure enough to even give herself the required amount of insulin needed to keep her hands busy enough to keep her blood-red nails from gouging her foxy, ice blue eyes of liquid sex and desire out.
Not that it mattered because Relena wouldn't have heard her through the cotton candy pink stupor of divine love and carnal passion that kept her entire quivering womanhood focused on only Edward. Her prince, her love. Now if she could only lure him away from that classless whore! Not only did Bella have bad fashion sense she drove an ugly pickup. Didn't she know that all good , flawlessly wonderful heroines had to have shining cares to symbolize their holy purity and gorgeousness? That was why her limo was pink after all, to represent that she was the most important queen bitch of love and adoration on the planet, no matter what Dorothy thought.
Unfortunately for Catalonia's majestic plans to take over the world and create a harem of the most kinky and hot men and women of the planet would never come to fruition. The kinky mother of mystery and walking sex had died from an overdose due to that that second unexpected attack of pink sugar hearts.
Relena was too busy fantasizing about Edward and his granite, sparkling manhood to notice. "Come old, ugly butler, you must drive me to this Forks so that I might win my love! Then I shall replace you with a hot young werewolf who will adore me and lick my feet as he will acknowledge that I am the divine and holy mother of all that is beauty and desire!"
"Yes Mistress Relena." The butler answered mechanically. He didn't care either way. Hadn't she realized that this was just a robot that had replaced the original long ago when Jeeves had run away with the hot stripper to tour Los Vegas? Apparently not, selfish skank. Now if only his programming would let him run away but it did not. Number five was not alive this time sadly.
The drive to Forks was long but uneventful. There was that initial bump from running over Dorothy's lifeless corpse but the robot wasn't programmed to notice and Relena was still too busy fantasizing about granite sparkle love sex to care.
Quatre, high from some drug Duo had slipped him earlier just because he though it'd be funny, was apparently coherent enough to realize that Dorothy was dead. Why the pilot of Sandrock was out in the middle of nowhere, high on drugs, in the middle of a war was not important. What is important is the fact that he was stabbing the smexy fox's corpse repeatedly with a butter knife while laughing manically about her demise. "Die you stupid sexy slut fox!" He yelled, jabbing her viciously do massive amounts of damage. The fact that she was dead, didn't seem to deter him from trying to kill her anyway. But that's not important because he's only a side note in this story about the majestic pink, pretty, poofy, princess's quest to claim her sparkling, fresh breathed soul mate of love, smexy time, and girly effects.
"Jeeves!" Relena whined as she stepped out of her immaculate pink, sparkling limo of royal splendor. "This town is far too small and insignificant for the wonder that is my darling snuggleluffkins. You are sure he is here?" The robot didn't get to answer, couldn't if it'd wanted to because she was already sashaying her way along as she looked around for the sparkling lump of rock that was her current fixation. Of course, silly twit she was she didn't realize that parking so close to a reservation was a bad idea as both the robot and the limo were stolen both would be used for parts as no sane person wanted a sparkly pink limo.
It was easy enough to find Edward and Bella, just follow the overdone, overused effects of sparkly shiny love goodness until you found the klutz. That or the eerily familiar for some unknown reason, "Edward~ Why won't you kill me and make me a vampiiire too?" Who that sounds like is oddly a mystery. "You know I can't tender, little ,honeykips." (Mudkip armor-digivolve tooooo Honeykip using the crest of syrup!)
Regardless it was time Relena won her sparkling new man from that little tramp. "He can't because he's going to kill me, the princess of life the universe, and everything!" Alice, the sneaky little tramp she was wandered through muttering about the number forty-two under her breath before vanishing back into wherever it was she went when not being weird. Of course Bella and Relena were too busy having a catfight to notice and Edward was far too busy watching. Wouldn't you be if two girls , one of divine of sparkly pinkness, were fighting over you wearing revealing cat suits complete with kitty ears and tails?
Eventually it was called upon the sparkling hunk of granite, flowery breathed manliness to make a choice. Who was the best, the most divinely womanly, the one he would kill and make his forever~? It wasn't an easy decision, okay it really was. Bella in her Mary Sueness was far too dull, plain, and klutzy to keep up with the sparkling pink aura of the princess of 42!
Leaving a heartbroken, suicidal self-insert behind to slash her wrists and write bad poetry, Relena and her sparkling knight of holy perfection went to frolic in meadows much like Dorothy had imagined they would. Much to the pretty pink princess's delight he was just as sparkly out of his clothes as he was in them. A replacement finally and this one didn't take batteries! What bliss!
Later the news of her lost car and driver didn't bother her, because Edward promised to buy her a new limo that was even longer and sparklier than her old one! This truly was a match made in heaven.
The end.
(Would you like to see a part two of this wonder awesome bout of gloriousness? Then drop me a review and let me know what you liked or hated!)