SURPRISE, SURPRISE
Scene: Xander's place. Anya, Xander and Buffy are there. They are
discussing something.
Xander: And then one of us leads Willow down here, and we throw on the light
switch, and everybody jumps up and says 'Surprise!!'
Anya: Cliché much? Why don't you just make everybody wear party hats and get
some kind of cake with candles on it.
Buffy: (looking down) That was what we were planning to do.
Xander: (to Anya) You know what, why don't you plan the party?
Anya: I don't even like Willow. But, I do however like cake.
Buffy: I thought you said it was cliché.
Anya: Yes, back to that. Boring, boring, boring.
Xander: You've said that about all our ideas. That brings us to grand total
of twenty-three.
Anya: I did like the whole underwater theme though. Why don't you use the
underwater theme?
Buffy: (confused) What underwater theme?
Anya: You mean there wasn't an underwater theme? I must have been watching
SeaQuest reruns again.
Xander: (looking up) They're rerunning SeaQuest?!
Buffy: (sighing) Why don't we just throw Willow a normal party. The
unsurprising kind. The one where she goes "Oh, guys, you shouldn't have" and
then gush over a present she absolutely hates but has to pretend that she
likes because it's from her best friend who really didn't have time to go
shopping but put a lot of thought in it , and anyway isn't it the thought
that counts, because I really think that it doesn't matter what's inside the
box anyway.
Xander: You lost me after 'why'.
Anya: She's saying that she has a sucky present. I'm not surprised. (pauses)
This bores me. (thinks for a while) Why exactly am I here? I don't like
Willow. Why am I helping plan her birthday party?
Xander: Because you're afraid that if you leave me and Buffy alone we'll
have sex.
Anya: Oh, yes. That. (to Buffy) Don't you even think of it.
Buffy: (rolls her eyes) I'll try to remember that.
Anya: Why don't we launch her out of a cannon? I've seen that on television
before. The man looked *very* surprised. Right before he crashed into the
wall.
Xander: Don't be ridiculous, Anya. Where are we going to get a cannon?
Buffy: Oh! Oh! We could do a Wiccan-theme party. With the candles, and
pentagrams and chanting and everything.
Xander: And accidentally summon Satan. That'll be a real party favor.
Anya: (yawns loudly) This is a hint of how bored I am.
Buffy: You could always leave if you're bored.
Anya: Yes, I … (stops short) Ah! I see through your ploy in getting rid of
me so you can bed my boyfriend. I'm smarter than you think. Don't think I'm
fooled by you for one moment.
Buffy: Hmm.
Xander: Anya, honey, why don't you run out and get us something to eat. That
way you won't be so bored, and you'll be back in no time to check on us.
(Anya eyes the two of them suspiciously) Look at it this way, if you move
really quick, the most you'll take is twenty minutes, tops. (winks and gives
her a sly grin) And we both know that's not enough time for me and Buffy to
get down and dirty.
Buffy: HMM!
Anya: If I run I can make it back in fifteen. (thinks about it and gets up.
She looks at Buffy) Don't try anything. (runs out of the door)
Xander: (after Anya leaves) Amazing. I didn't think I could get her to leave
that fast.
Buffy: I was beginning to think we would have to get her surgically removed.
Xander: (gets up and sits closer to her) So, what do we do about Miss
Rosenburg's gala?
Buffy: (throws her hands in the air) I'm not sure. Do we have to throw her
a party? Why don't we just shake hands and hug and give presents. Is it a
written rule that we have to throw surprise parties for our friends?
Xander: You're just looking for an easy way out, lazy girl. (gently nudges
her)
Buffy: Who you calling lazy, Mr. Ego? (nudges him back)
Xander: What's that supposed to mean?
Buffy: Gee, I don't know, Mr. "Twenty minutes might not be enough time".
Xander: Hey, don't mock me till you've knocked me.
Buffy: (laughs) You have an comeback for everything, don't you.
Xander: It's one of the many , many gifts I have been (winks at her)
endowed with.
Buffy: I'm beginning to see why Anya doesn't want to leave you alone for one
second.
Xander: Hey, she trusts me. She just doesn't trust you. (whispers playfully
under his breath) Tramp.
Buffy: What?
Xander: Stamp.
Buffy: (narrowing her eyes) What stamp?
Xander: (grinning mischievously) Well, actually I said tramp.
Buffy: (pushes him playfully) That isn't a nice thing to say.
Xander: What can I say? I'm a naughty, naughty boy.
Buffy: No denying that.
(Buffy pushes him harder this time, and he topples backwards. He is now
lying on his back. Buffy crawls towards him and straddles him, planting her
hands firmly on his chest.)
Buffy: Say 'uncle'.
Xander: Nah.
Buffy: (bringing her face closer to his) Say 'uncle'.
Xander: (staring into her eyes for a moment) Uncle. (He lifts his head
slightly and gives her a long, searing kiss.) Uncle. (Buffy does not reject
the kiss, rather she returns it with one of her own) Uncle…
(There is a sound of a door opening, Anya appears on the scene and stares at them.
Busted, both Xander and Buffy look back sheepishly at Anya.)
Buffy: Oops.
Scene: Xander's place. Anya, Xander and Buffy are there. They are
discussing something.
Xander: And then one of us leads Willow down here, and we throw on the light
switch, and everybody jumps up and says 'Surprise!!'
Anya: Cliché much? Why don't you just make everybody wear party hats and get
some kind of cake with candles on it.
Buffy: (looking down) That was what we were planning to do.
Xander: (to Anya) You know what, why don't you plan the party?
Anya: I don't even like Willow. But, I do however like cake.
Buffy: I thought you said it was cliché.
Anya: Yes, back to that. Boring, boring, boring.
Xander: You've said that about all our ideas. That brings us to grand total
of twenty-three.
Anya: I did like the whole underwater theme though. Why don't you use the
underwater theme?
Buffy: (confused) What underwater theme?
Anya: You mean there wasn't an underwater theme? I must have been watching
SeaQuest reruns again.
Xander: (looking up) They're rerunning SeaQuest?!
Buffy: (sighing) Why don't we just throw Willow a normal party. The
unsurprising kind. The one where she goes "Oh, guys, you shouldn't have" and
then gush over a present she absolutely hates but has to pretend that she
likes because it's from her best friend who really didn't have time to go
shopping but put a lot of thought in it , and anyway isn't it the thought
that counts, because I really think that it doesn't matter what's inside the
box anyway.
Xander: You lost me after 'why'.
Anya: She's saying that she has a sucky present. I'm not surprised. (pauses)
This bores me. (thinks for a while) Why exactly am I here? I don't like
Willow. Why am I helping plan her birthday party?
Xander: Because you're afraid that if you leave me and Buffy alone we'll
have sex.
Anya: Oh, yes. That. (to Buffy) Don't you even think of it.
Buffy: (rolls her eyes) I'll try to remember that.
Anya: Why don't we launch her out of a cannon? I've seen that on television
before. The man looked *very* surprised. Right before he crashed into the
wall.
Xander: Don't be ridiculous, Anya. Where are we going to get a cannon?
Buffy: Oh! Oh! We could do a Wiccan-theme party. With the candles, and
pentagrams and chanting and everything.
Xander: And accidentally summon Satan. That'll be a real party favor.
Anya: (yawns loudly) This is a hint of how bored I am.
Buffy: You could always leave if you're bored.
Anya: Yes, I … (stops short) Ah! I see through your ploy in getting rid of
me so you can bed my boyfriend. I'm smarter than you think. Don't think I'm
fooled by you for one moment.
Buffy: Hmm.
Xander: Anya, honey, why don't you run out and get us something to eat. That
way you won't be so bored, and you'll be back in no time to check on us.
(Anya eyes the two of them suspiciously) Look at it this way, if you move
really quick, the most you'll take is twenty minutes, tops. (winks and gives
her a sly grin) And we both know that's not enough time for me and Buffy to
get down and dirty.
Buffy: HMM!
Anya: If I run I can make it back in fifteen. (thinks about it and gets up.
She looks at Buffy) Don't try anything. (runs out of the door)
Xander: (after Anya leaves) Amazing. I didn't think I could get her to leave
that fast.
Buffy: I was beginning to think we would have to get her surgically removed.
Xander: (gets up and sits closer to her) So, what do we do about Miss
Rosenburg's gala?
Buffy: (throws her hands in the air) I'm not sure. Do we have to throw her
a party? Why don't we just shake hands and hug and give presents. Is it a
written rule that we have to throw surprise parties for our friends?
Xander: You're just looking for an easy way out, lazy girl. (gently nudges
her)
Buffy: Who you calling lazy, Mr. Ego? (nudges him back)
Xander: What's that supposed to mean?
Buffy: Gee, I don't know, Mr. "Twenty minutes might not be enough time".
Xander: Hey, don't mock me till you've knocked me.
Buffy: (laughs) You have an comeback for everything, don't you.
Xander: It's one of the many , many gifts I have been (winks at her)
endowed with.
Buffy: I'm beginning to see why Anya doesn't want to leave you alone for one
second.
Xander: Hey, she trusts me. She just doesn't trust you. (whispers playfully
under his breath) Tramp.
Buffy: What?
Xander: Stamp.
Buffy: (narrowing her eyes) What stamp?
Xander: (grinning mischievously) Well, actually I said tramp.
Buffy: (pushes him playfully) That isn't a nice thing to say.
Xander: What can I say? I'm a naughty, naughty boy.
Buffy: No denying that.
(Buffy pushes him harder this time, and he topples backwards. He is now
lying on his back. Buffy crawls towards him and straddles him, planting her
hands firmly on his chest.)
Buffy: Say 'uncle'.
Xander: Nah.
Buffy: (bringing her face closer to his) Say 'uncle'.
Xander: (staring into her eyes for a moment) Uncle. (He lifts his head
slightly and gives her a long, searing kiss.) Uncle. (Buffy does not reject
the kiss, rather she returns it with one of her own) Uncle…
(There is a sound of a door opening, Anya appears on the scene and stares at them.
Busted, both Xander and Buffy look back sheepishly at Anya.)
Buffy: Oops.