AN: this is rather a depressing page from Shinji's life. Don't worry, it is not violent or graphic in any way. It's just very depressing and I hope that you take what it says into account after you read it.
I…I am not worthy to be in this world that I live in. I would easily class myself as nothing higher than PATHETIC. It feels as if people are using their valuable time on a pathetic piece of flesh that doesn't even deserve to be here. I have nothing to give this world and I just don't see me going anywhere. Loneliness and depression is all that I feel.
Why would people want to keep me here in this tortured state that I am in? There is not a single purpose that I could serve for anyone to help them. I am nothing. No one would notice one more person missing from this world would they? Not as if I really could help anyone or make me worth their while. I am USELESS.
Something simple and quick, but quiet and painless. Who would want to hear someone taking themselves and their useless genes out of the gene pool? If anything, I want to do that to myself. I…just don't know what to do anymore. People keep going past me and talking but I don't register.
A…a simple conversation just is not simple anymore! I feel as if there is a pressure pushing me down into the earth, an impenetrable force or weight slowly reducing me to nothing. Perhaps people would be better without even knowing who or what a useless person I am.
This life that I lead just seems pointless. It will only lead to a lonely life and a death that would I would only kindly greet. A life of sadness is a lot to pay for…for what? A school life that just dragged on? One where I left heaps of friends crying at the end of a year? I just can't handle that pressure!
People think I am strong and will be able to do anything, but they just don't know me. No one does. I distance myself from everyone. Even my own parents, even myself. I deny what I feel and how I think. Inner thoughts always brawling. Not even sleep brings much peace. Not since I was little.
Creatures jump out and kill me; I've even killed myself. What does that tell people? My life is just a…what is it? A facade that I have hidden behind all my life? I just can't tell people anymore who I really am. The thought of being hurt holds me back.
I hate me. I hate everything that I have done. Who was it that stood up for their friends yet when I was in trouble they never helped! They let me be chased by the few people I was scared of. I truly realised then that I was meant to be alone.
To cry in my room at night and try and look brave for my 'friends' who probably don't understand who I am! I don't even understand who I am! This sadness just builds and builds and pushes me down. It stops me from being happy.
When I am alone…people just don't realise how much I crave to be loved or near people. But when I am surrounded by friends and loved ones…I feel even more alone.
Who expects someone to feel these things? Even for a kid not even 16, I take life seriously, grades at school and what I am to look like. Tears stream down my face like rivers after the mountain snows melt. They taste salty as they hit my lips. Ones that will always smile to those around me.
The nighttime just suits me and my life. Dark, cold, quiet and unpredictable. Just like the weather, my mood suits the situation. But a sense of being lost and alone holds fast to the edges of my mind. It digs in its talons just like an eagle does to a rabbit. Soon all life will be squeezed out and only a shell will be left. The shell of a kid.
Soon this will be my last. A finale to all those around me. When a child reads stories of death, they remember that they are safe and they seem to think, "That won't happen to me!" How wrong they are.
A person could be outside my door, holding a knife ready to gut me. My family would care, but not for long. Jobs, schooling and bills would soon take priority over anything else and I would be forgotten. On my birthday they would remember and try to remember what they forgot.
When they can't remember, they continue with their lives only to have that date pass by again and again. Finally, just before they take their terminal breath they remember. They once had a child that loved them and they loved them. Only to think back to why that one date was so important. It was my birthday.
This is how I feel. Nothing will ever change that. I see myself as indifferent and that for every good deed that I do for someone, it will never be remembered. No one will remember what I have done for him or her. No one. Forever teachers and parents tell me, "Do unto others as you would them do unto you." The Bible says that, but what a crock of shit!
I have had my breakdowns but this is the last straw. My tears that fall to my chest below are meaningless. They are wasted on the thoughts of a demented teen that doesn't want to be anywhere near any living being. The problems that I face are faced by many but no one wants to know. Slowly they walk past at a child who is lost, sitting on the ground in the foetal position crying for their mother.
Perhaps this is life. The thoughts of many people trying to confuse the young. Matters that are to big for children to face yet they bombard them with these issues. I don't want to be here anymore. No where near this life. One more death would not be noticed. One more.
Maybe that is all that they need to wake up and finally ask friends how they truly feel. If someone does read this, ask your friend if they truly know who you are. I don't even know myself. My father hates me so why should anyone care about me? Including myself.