The house was cold and empty and quiet. Flicking on a light switch, Rebecca dumped her keys on the kitchen counter and grabbed a wine glass from the cupboard. Taking a bottle of wine from the fridge, she poured herself a glass, hesitated for a moment and topped it up a little more.
Who are you kidding? Taking the bottle with her, she walked over to the couch and collapsed into it, staring at her drink glumly. She should change into some comfier clothes. She should make something to eat, or more realistically, order take out.
Or she could just sit here and drink and feel sorry for herself.
Taking out her phone with the purpose of ordering Chinese, she instead opened up her messages and pressed on Nathaniel's name. Rolling her lower lip between her teeth, she stared at their last few exchanges.
The last four nights she'd gone to his apartment, sometimes making it to his door, sometimes chickening out before she'd left her car. She'd messaged him asking if he was home, worked herself up to go in and talk to him, but every time she'd lost all of her courage and fled.
She was absolutely terrified of what lay beyond that door. A normal relationship? Someone that truly cared for her, without any tricks or ulterior motives? A chance at love?
Falling into old habits. Obsession. Manipulation. Stalking. Arson.
Self-harm.
But did that really mean she couldn't ever give herself over to love again? Dr Akopian didn't think so. She really hoped it wasn't so. So when was she ready?
Would she ever feel ready? Did that mean she should never try?
She knew that it was something she would have to continue to work on, potentially for the rest of her life. She was, objectively, doing better. A little. But yeah, she was. The fact that she'd gone straight to Dr Akopian after her conversation with Nathaniel was a good sign, right? She was feeling more than she could handle, so she'd asked for help.
She had tools now to keep herself in check. Her friends finally understood her headspace, and she knew they'd be there for if she needed to talk herself down, if she felt out of control. And Nathaniel himself...
He understood her like no man in her life ever had. He knew all of her dirty secrets, and he didn't care. She'd never had to pretend to be someone else with him. He understood what she'd gone through and was there for her, despite his utter incapability with articulating his own emotions.
Although he hadn't done so bad the other day...
Since then, though, their exchanges were awkward and strained. She couldn't bring herself to talk to him during the day, except for a muttered hello and goodbye without eye contact, and he'd given her all of the space that she was clearly showing him she wanted. Except she didn't want space. She missed how things were, even without the sex - the joking, the laughing and yes, the flirting. She missed him.
Draining her glass, she refilled it and then made herself order something for dinner. Changing into her pyjamas, she came back to the living room and turned the television on while she waited for her food, but found her attention wandering. In what felt like forever there was a quiet knocking at her door, but she frowned when she checked the time on her phone and saw that it had only been ten minutes. That's a new record. Grabbing her purse, she walked over to the door, her passively polite expression freezing on her face when she opened it to find Nathaniel standing there.
He was wearing his version of casual clothes, a t-shirt and jeans, but he looked so stiff standing there that he might as well still be wearing a suit. His face softened when he saw her. "Hi," he said gently.
She felt... too many things. Happy to see him, terrified of the conversation she kept putting off, sad at herself for being chicken. Guilty for not having even responded to his offer. Sick from all of the conflict swirling constantly inside of her. "Hey," she managed, her eyes dropping to the ground.
He didn't say anything straight away, and she wasn't going to prompt him. "I just wanted to make sure you're okay," he said eventually, and who even was this man who showed up at her door unannounced to make sure she was all right with his voice all quiet and careful and tender?
She knew exactly who he was. How good he could be. She shouldn't have been surprised.
"I'm okay," she said to the ground, her voice small but she was pretty sure it didn't sound like she was lying, so that was a start.
Silence, except for her television behind her and the wind in the trees. She watched his feet as he shifted his weight from one leg to the other. "It's just... I keep getting messages from you."
She risked a glance up at him, then quickly back down to their feet. He looked confused, and justifiably so. "I know," she mumbled, wrapping her arms around her stomach as though she could hold herself together.
The quiet night stretched between them for longer than Rebecca thought she could bear, until Nathaniel sighed. "I meant what I said," he told her, and although he still spoke quietly, his voice was steady. It made her feel steady. "And I also know that things are a bit more complicated for the two of us than just how we feel about each other. So..." She raised her eyes to see him watching her with complete and utter sincerity. "I just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you. If you want to talk. But also in general, of course - well, you know what I mean."
His shoulders were still tense and no surprise after an honest speech like that, but he offered her a small smile that felt like a life-raft in the storm that was her inner turmoil. How could he still be here, standing outside her door despite all of her mixed signals of the last few days, making her feel like she wasn't stupid for panicking and running and hiding? How was she supposed to deal with that kind of understanding and care?
Not letting herself over think it, she took a step backwards, pushing the door open wider to let him through. He looked at her evenly for a moment longer before, nodding to himself, he stepped past her into her house.
He'd come to check up on her... he really did care about her. Biting her lip, Rebecca closed the door and walked slowly back over to the couch, grabbing the remote and turning the television on mute.
"Heather and Hector aren't home?" he asked casually.
"They're having dinner with his mom," she said, hugging her arms around herself as she turned back to face him, finding him looking anything but casual. Well, he looked like he was trying so hard to look casual, but his lips were pressed tightly together, his body stiff, and she would have smiled if she hadn't felt so nervous about the fact that he was here.
If she asked him to leave, she knew he would… but she didn't really want him to go. The dissonance in her wouldn't stop if he left her alone to her internal back and forth, and it wouldn't stop tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. She wasn't going to stop wanting to be with him, or hating the fact that her fear was trying to talk her out of it.
Nathaniel forced a laugh, rubbing at the back of his neck. "I thought the separation anxiety -"
"It wasn't just the sex for me either," she said, unable to keep the words in any longer. Looks like we're doing this. He fell silent instantly, swallowing hard, and she wondered if he was terrified of this conversation too. "I mean the sex was good, the sex was great, but," and she paused, taking a deep breath and letting go of the bravado. She didn't want to hide from him. "There were real feelings for me too," she continued, and felt something light up inside her at the hesitant, hopeful smile that he offered her.
Impossibly, she felt herself relax a little, but it only lasted a moment before the other side of the situation jumped to the front of her mind. "But Nathaniel… I'm terrified of being in a real relationship. With anyone. The last few months... The fact that you're with someone else made it easier for me not get worked up over what you were doing or what every tiny comment meant or how you really felt about me, because you didn't owe those things to me. It was easy to trust you. Or - no, that's not it - to trust myself with you." Tilting her head, she smiled at him sadly, hoping that he understood that it wasn't on him. "You can't abandon me if you're not mine to start with."
Nathaniel let out his breath, shifted on his feet and then took a step toward her, reaching out his hand. "Rebecca," he began.
"No," she said, holding up her hands between them. He halted reluctantly. "You can say you wouldn't do that all you want, but it's always going to be a fear that lives inside me. That's never going away."
Dropping his hand to his side, he looked at her skeptically. "So you're never going to open yourself up again?"
"It just... it has to be right," she said helplessly.
"Huh." His shoulders slumped, his eyes blinking, his eyebrows lifting. "And you don't think I'm right," he said with sombre finality. "I'm not the right person."
Furrowing her brow, she stared at him with utter bewilderment completely at a loss as to how a man so smart could be so clueless. She wanted nothing more than to reach up and tear her hair out - or maybe strangle him. Either would do. "Don't you get it? You're exactly the right person. You're too much the right person. Do you think this would be so hard for me if I didn't care about you so damn much?"
He pressed his lips together, nodded once. "I'll make it easy on you then," he said quietly, locking his eyes on the floor and moving towards the door.
"No," she said, darting across the room to stand in his way. She wasn't going to let him leave, not when she was finally facing this. He still tried to avoid her eyes, but the good thing about being so much smaller than him was that she was right there when he tried to keep his eyes low. "I don't want you to make it easy on me," she said, the truth in her words feeling more and more certain the longer that she looked into his eyes.
"I can't run and hide forever, and I don't want to. But Nathaniel..." Reaching up, she put her hand on his chest, taking a deep breath for strength as she felt his chest rise and fall. After a moment she dropped her hand. He was right - it was more complicated than just how they felt. "You have your own life," she said simply, "and your own chance at a normal, healthy future with a great woman. How can I ask you to give that up for me?" His brow furrowed, his lips parting, and she glanced away quickly, needing just a moment to gather herself without his intense eyes staring into her soul. "What if it doesn't work? Are you ready to give it up if we try and it's all for nothing?"
"But what if it's not?" he said. "All for nothing, I mean. I wouldn't be here if I wasn't ready for this. And besides, that's not a consideration anymore." He lifted his shoulders in what was almost a shrug. "I couldn't sit at home, waiting for you to knock on my door all night for the last four, and pretend that I could have a happy future with Mona. It wasn't going to be enough for me. Maybe a year ago, before I'd met you, before I knew how this felt, but now…"
He'd broken up with Mona. For her. But also apparently for him, and that's what meant more to her. Neither of them were the same person they'd been a year ago.
"This is still a lot to put on you," she pointed out, feeling hope start to grow inside her and trying to check it. It was never going to be an easy, low-key, low-stress thing with her, and she needed him to understand that.
But he just held her gaze unwaveringly. "I can take it," he said, and there was not even a hint of hesitation or doubt.
But can I take it? She stared up at him searchingly. She wanted this she did, so badly. And she was afraid, yes, but she was also taking her time, talking through her feelings with her therapist, talking through her fears with Nathaniel.
Can I take it? She took a deep, shuddering breath, held it, and when she let out her breath she felt stronger, peaceful, sure. Yes... yes I can.
It wasn't that all of her worries disappeared - rather, that she felt like she could deal with them, one at a time, and come out okay on the other side.
Closing the distance between them, she reached up and cupped his face with both hands. Slowly, deliberately, she stood up on her tiptoes, pulling him down the rest of the way, and pressed her lips against his. His arms came around her immediately, his hands settling on the small of her back, pulling her close, and her chest tightened at the way he relaxed so completely into her. When his lips parted against hers she sighed, kissing him deeper, her hands moving to rove over his back and hold him closer.
There was a loud knocking at her door, and despite her best efforts to ignore it, when it came again a few seconds later Nathaniel broke the kiss. At least he didn't go far, leaning his forehead against hers. "Are you expecting someone?" he asked under his breath, nudging his nose against hers and damn it, she wanted to kiss him again so badly.
"Just dinner." She leaned back far enough to see him properly. "Do you want to stay?"
His lip curled up into a knowing smile. "You ordered enough for five, didn't you?"
"Four if you hang around," she said, then cocked her head to the side. "Who am I kidding, two bites of an egg roll and you'll have outdone your calories for the day."
His chuckle followed her as she walked over to answer the door. Paying the delivery guy, she took the bags and closed the door behind her, pausing when she turned back and saw Nathaniel settling on her couch. He looked so comfortable, so natural there.
She felt warm and excited and relieved.
And in control.
Nodding to herself, she joined him on the couch and started unpacking the food.
I can do this.