As he watched Amira walking off with baby Yasmin, Syed felt tears fill his eyes. He had tried to keep his life together, and now he realised it had all fallen apart. He started to cry softly, his tears blurring his vision and freezing his face in the cold, as Amira disappeared around the corner. He had tried to incorporate his daughter into his life with Christian, and in trying to do so, he had lost Christian and would have to put up with Amira playing games with him in order to keep seeing Yasmin. He shivered, as the cold January air swept around him. He felt as wretched as he had ever felt in his whole life. Christian was standing there right next to him, but he was not his any more. He had blown it. He had messed everything up. And, preoccupied with his overwhelming feelings of worthlessness and regret, Syed continued to stare after Amira into the Square, not realising that Christian had moved closer to him.
Christian looked down into Syed's face. He saw the emptiness displayed there, and it moved him so much that an automatic reaction took over. He slowly took Syed's hand into his own, and entwined their fingers together.
Syed, suddenly aware of Christian's hand holding his, looked first at his hand. This is Christian being nice, being supportive, he thought. He had ruined everything and Christian was offering his friendship. He turned to look into Christian's face, in order to smile a "thank you", but as his gaze reached Christian's, his heart skipped a beat.
There was a look of pure, undiluted love in Christian's eyes, a look so intense that it took Syed's breath away.
The two men stared at each other for a moment.
"Come on," Christian said. "Come back to mine. Let's talk."
"OK," Syed whispered in some disbelief. His mind was racing: he could not believe what was happening. After all this, surely Christian was not about to give him another chance? But he continued to look at Christian for a moment, and there it was: the look of love, the look of protective strength, the look that allowed him to hope that maybe Christian would eventually take him into his arms again and make it all feel all right.
They turned from each other and started to walk together back to Christian's home. Syed could hardly believe it, but Christian did not let go of his hand. If anything, he held his hard more tightly. They walked silently across the Square, past the Masoods' house and into Christian's flat.
Reaching the front door, Christian let go of Syed's hand to fish out his keys from his pocket. Opening the door, he went in first, waited for Syed to step across the threshold and closed the door behind them. Syed began to become aware of the familiar feeling of having Christian's physical presence next to him. Oh God, how reassuring that felt… Christian stepped forward to open the door to the flat and went straight in, leaving Syed to follow.
"Sorry it's a mess," Christian began. "It's been quite a difficult time for me, what with one thing and another, and I've not really felt like tidying up. Come in, and sit down."
Syed stood in the open doorway. He felt suddenly afraid. He really did not want to do anything to upset Christian right now, and he didn't want to appear too bold, so he felt unable to stride confidently into the flat. Always putting himself under pressure, now more than ever, his fear made him inactive, and he stood impotently there, unsure of what to do.
"I hope you don't mind if I have a glass of wine," Christian said over his shoulder, taking his jacket off and throwing it onto the armchair. "I think I need one…" He turned back to see Syed still in the doorway, looking sadly down at the floor. "What are you doing there?" he asked, softly. "Come in, I said."
Syed looked up into Christian's eyes, in order to reassure himself that Christian had really meant it. Christian smiled gently at him.
"It's OK. Come in," he said again.
Syed stepped hesitantly into the flat, and closed the door behind him. While Christian busied himself getting the wine bottle out of the fridge and finding a glass, Syed took a seat, perching himself on the very edge of the sofa. He felt unsure of what was going to happen next. The only thing he was sure of was that he did not feel he deserved Christian being so nice to him, although this was what he had desperately wanted for weeks: the chance to be alone with him and talk properly, without constantly being interrupted.
Christian turned around, and with his back leaning on the fridge door, he took a sip of wine. He smiled again as the sight of Syed looking so small and helpless swelled his heart. "Can I get you anything?"
At that moment, Syed realised for the first time that he was freezing cold. "Er… if you really don't mind, could I have a cup of tea? I'm so cold…"
"Of course you can," Christian said, and he switched the kettle on. He walked across the room, and without saying anything, he sat on the sofa next to Syed and suddenly took him into his arms.
Syed could not believe what was happening, and it took him a moment or two to realise what was going on before he threw his arms around Christian and clung to him with all his strength. Tears filled his eyes again. "I'm so very sorry…" he began to say, in between sobs.
"Shhh…" Christian whispered. "Let's not apologise to each other, because we've both been as bad. We need to explain to each other what has been going on. We need to be honest and open and explain it all. But apologies are not necessary right now. Let's see if we can have a talk without blame and guilt. OK?"
Syed's face was buried in Christian's shoulder. He could say nothing. His mind was still racing. Was this man for real? Could he really still love him after all this? Might there be another chance for the two of them after all? He nodded slightly, and felt Christian's hand slowly stroking his hair.
"Look, the kettle's boiled. Let me get up and make your drink," Christian said after a while, and he took himself out of Syed's embrace. Walking over to the kitchen counter, he made Syed's tea. "Sy, take your coat off. You'll soon warm up when you've had this."
Syed removed his jacket, and Christian joined him on the sofa with a steaming hot cup of tea in one hand and his own wine glass in the other.
They sat for a moment or two, looking at their drinks, neither speaking, both unsure where to begin, but both knowing that they wanted to begin. Recognising that he was the more confident of the two, it was Christian who began, much to Syed's relief.
"First of all, thank you," Christian said. "Thank you for taking the first steps to divorce Amira. You know how much that means to me. The fact that you did it when you thought that we were over means that you really must mean it. You really want her out of your life… Well, she'll never be out of your life, as she's the mother of Yasmin. But you won't be tied to her any more, and I can now see that that's what you really want."
Syed looked up at Christian, still with a sad look on his face, but feeling somewhat warmed by Christian's words. So he had made Christian happy. He allowed himself to become slightly more hopeful.
"Secondly, I need to know something before we go any further," Christian continued. "I need to know if what you said in the restaurant was true. Do you really want us to try again? And do you really want to marry me?"
Syed's mind started to race again. He wanted to reassure Christian that he had meant it, that he had never meant anything so honestly in all of his life before, that he had felt like half a person without Christian by his side, in life and in bed. He was scared, though, that if he said how he really felt, it would sound like empty phrases after all they had been through. But he had to answer Christian and show him the truth of his feelings. "Yes," he said, looking earnestly into Christian's eyes. "Yes, I did mean all of it."
Syed placed his tea cup onto the coffee table. Feeling a little bolder at hearing Christian's question, and seeing the relief in Christian's expression, he allowed himself to ask a question in return. "So… does this mean that you… that we might… that you are prepared to start again?" His eyes darted away from Christian's, suddenly afraid that he had gone too far, too soon, and afraid that Christian would hesitate, or sound unsure, or say no…
"No," Christian said firmly.
A feeling of dread began to overwhelm Syed. So he had miscalculated after all. He had been so sure that Christian had wanted to give it another go that he had taken a risk. But he had misread the situation and messed up. Again. He felt tears well up in his eyes again, out of embarrassment as well as at the loss of what he had had. It serves me right, he thought, although that thought did not make him feel any better.
Christian put down his wine glass, and took Syed's chin in his hand, gently turning his face towards his own. Syed raised his eyes to look into Christian's again, and again he was surprised to see a look of love there.
"No, not start again. But I am prepared to take up where we left off."
Syed could not stop the flow of tears now, which flowed and flowed, and while Christian took him in his arms, he cried and cried. Christian was also moved to tears, and the two men sat there for a while, holding each other tightly, and crying with sorrow at the separation they had endured and with happiness with the fact that they were back in each other's arms where they both felt they needed to be.
Christian pulled away from the embrace, finished his glass of wine, stood up and crossed the room to refill it. He came back and sat down on the floor opposite Syed. "Right. So that's sorted, then. I guess we can both relax a bit, right?" He smiled, and seeing the look of happiness on Christian's face, Syed dried his tears on his sleeve and smiled back.
"Right. Let's get down to business," he said, still speaking softly but more seriously now.
Syed nodded. "You start," he said.
"All right. Let me start by explaining why I walked out on you. I did it because I had reached a point where I was so exhausted and demoralised that I couldn't face another day of it. Having Amira here was… Well, Sy, it was just too much for me to handle."
"I know that now," Syed said. "I didn't see it at the time, but…"
"Hold on," Christian continued, "because I need you to understand something. It was not because she was back, although I wasn't exactly jumping through hoops about that. It was not because you suddenly had a daughter. It was because I felt – rightly or wrongly, but this is what I felt – you had deserted me. You were physically here. But I felt that our relationship had been left on the back burner for so long that it had gone cold. I was no longer important, or if I was, you hadn't shown me that I was. It was like you were expecting me to be understanding, but you were going to see Amira behind my back, trying to find her a flat without speaking to me about it first. It was like you didn't need or even want my input any more, and I thought, 'Well, that's it. I've lost out again.'
"And then when the whole thing happened with Phil and Ben… Well, that was the last straw. No input and no trust… I didn't feel as if I meant anything to you any more. And that bloody hurt, Sy. It really hurt. Because you mean everything to me. And you always have.
"And so, I left. I didn't feel good about it, but I left. I know you felt under pressure, too, Syed. From me as well as from everyone else. But I thought that, for the sake of my own sanity, I had no choice."
Syed listened intently, every word feeling like it was cutting into him, but he listened. He knew he had to endure this. He knew that what he had done had hurt Christian and now he had to face it.
"And when I came back, there you were with her, wearing her wedding ring, waltzing around the place like a married couple. So I realised that all my fears had been justified. Amira had won, and I had lost. It was as simple as that.
"But that's no excuse for the shit I've said to you this week and today. Syed, I said those things to make myself feel better. But I also kind of hoped that you would know that I didn't mean them, not really. I hoped you would realise that I could never stop loving you, and certainly not that quickly. But I didn't see how we would ever be together, and I said those stupid, horrible things, which I now regret, only to protect myself."
"Yeah, they were horrible. And humiliating. But I understand why you said them, although I didn't want to believe that you meant them." Syed nodded gravely, and finished the last of his tea.
"No, I didn't, not really. But then, when you called me last night," Christian went on, "and said you couldn't go another second without me, my heart missed a beat. I thought for a second that you would come back to me. But then I heard your wife cry out and you switched the phone off on me. And that made me feel that, once again, I had lost out and would never win, that you would do anything to keep her sweet and that I could go to hell as long as you kept seeing your daughter.
"I don't think that now," Christian said, leaning forward to look straight into Syed's eyes, "but I did last night. That's why I was a total bastard to you this morning in the cafe."
Christian paused for a moment, looking down at the floor and shaking his head. "And treating you like a waiter in the restaurant… You had looked so shy but pleased to see me when you had walked in, only for me to humiliate you in front of somebody I hardly know." He raised his head to look at Syed. "I was a bastard to you. You didn't deserve that. And believe me, I will never try to humiliate you again, Sy."
Syed nodded silently, reflecting Christian's intense gaze and secretly wishing that this part of the reconciliation could be over so that he could hold Christian and not let him go.
"We've agreed that we want to be together, right?" Christian added. "But honestly, I felt like crap in the last few weeks we were together that I don't think I could go through anything like that again. And you must understand that."
"And you won't ever go through anything like that again, not from me," Syed answered emphatically, finding his voice at last. "God, Christian, I was so wrapped up in what was going on, trying to keep Amira happy and trying to overcompensate you for having Amira and Yasmin here, that the pressure of it all made me lash out at you. I said some terrible things to you on the day you left, things that I will never forgive myself for. Seriously. But I didn't know what I was doing, if you can believe that. It was all too much for me as well. But I didn't mean any of it. I do understand why you left that day," he went on, "but it was the worst day of my life."
"And mine, too." Christian replied. He continued looking at Syed, and as he did so, he began to feel guilty for bringing all this up, which was obviously difficult for Syed to hear. He hated saying anything which caused Syed to look sad or afraid. But it needed to be said if they were to leave it in the past and move into the future.
"What would be amazing, Syed," Christian went on, "would be if you could promise me that you'll always talk to me in future if things get difficult for you. And not shut me out. You know me well enough to know that I can't bear it if you are going through a hard time. I want to be there for you, to protect you, to make it all OK. But I can't do that if you shut me out. Take me into your confidence. You should know by now that I always have time to listen to what's worrying you, and I always try to have your best interests at heart, even if I have a lousy way of showing it. Pushing the 'coming out' thing, the adoption, the wedding… I thought I was making things easier for you. I realise now I probably made it worse."
"But you didn't mean to," Syed answered quickly. "You were right with some of it, anyway. All I know is that not having you around to talk to just recently has made me so aware of how much I rely on you to talk to, how much I need you and will always need you. I'm a mess on my own. Without you, I just mess everything up. Even when I didn't confide in you, even when I was lashing out at you after the Ben thing, just having you around made me feel safe. Nobody has ever made me feel the way you make me feel: safe, loved, cared for.
"And you are right: while you were gone, I concentrated on Yasmin so that I didn't feel so bloody empty. And I was so happy to have Yasmin around that I was blind to what Amira was trying to do. It's only in this last week that she's been trying it on with me. As soon as I realised what she was up to – and I admit it took a while – I made it clear to her how I felt, that I wanted to be with you, that I loved you. But then…" Syed stopped suddenly, and looked away from Christian's intent gaze.
"What? Go on, Sy," Christian encouraged.
Syed turned to look at Christian again. "Well, seeing you with that guy the other day... It made me realise that I hadn't put you first, like you always do with me, and I regretted so much that it wasn't me sitting there with you, drinking coffee and laughing at your silly jokes." He briefly smiled before continuing. "All I could think about yesterday was how much I hated myself for letting you go. I should have stopped you from leaving. In fact, I shouldn't have made things so bad for you that you wanted to leave. You don't know how much yesterday I wanted to turn the clock back to before Amira came and we were making plans for our future.
"The thing is: you are so much a part of my life, Christian, that I don't feel like a whole person without you. I can't remember how I lived before I met you, but I know that I must have been half awake, half alive… And I do now realise what I put you through. I know how much I've made you put up with since you met me. And I know how willingly you've done it all, just to have me in your life. You've done nothing but love me. And although I have loved you as well, it doesn't seem that you got much out of the bargain."
"Don't say that," Christian said. "I'm not saying I'd want to go through it all again, but look: all of that stuff has happened and I am still here. And I think I'm getting a very good deal, as a matter of fact."
A moment of silence passed. The two men stared at each other, beginning to enjoy the experience of seeing each other again with nobody else around.
"I didn't sleep with him, you know," Christian said, suddenly. "He wanted to, but I couldn't. I haven't wanted to sleep with anyone else since we started being intimate with each other, you know."
Syed blushed slightly. He still found it hard to talk about the physical aspects of their relationship, except when they were in bed together.
"Mind you," Christian laughed. "That's not what I told Roxy. I have a reputation to maintain, you know."
Syed did not return the laughter. "She hates me," he mused sadly.
Unable to cope with seeing any more sadness in Syed's expression, Christian crossed the room to join Syed on the sofa once more. "I'm afraid right now she probably does," he smiled, putting his arm around Syed, "but you do know that she's just being protective, don't you? She'll be a bitch to anyone who looks at me sideways. It's quite sweet, I suppose, in a way, even though I hate her speaking to you like that. Hopefully she won't have cause to speak to you horribly ever again, right?"
Syed sat there, enjoying the warmth of Christian's body next to his, something that barely an hour ago he had been convinced he would never experience again.
"Another tea?" Christian asked after a while, noticing Syed's empty cup.
Syed looked at his watch. "Well, I guess I should be getting back. It's quite late…" He looked up at Christian to see him smiling at him. "What?"
"Well," Christian laughed. "You don't think you're going anywhere near Amira right now, do you? She's staying at your mum's, right?"
"Yeah, that's what she said, isn't it?" Syed replied, also starting to smile and allowing himself to hope that maybe Christian might be thinking about taking him to bed.
"What happened last night when you phoned me? She cried out…"
"I found her at the foot of the stairs in a heap. She said she'd hurt her ankle. I wondered if she was pretending."
"Is that when the penny finally dropped, eh?" Christian laughed. "Yeah, well, I think I'd better keep you here, just in case she starts trying to kiss you again."
"But," Syed said, acting earnest, but still smiling, "what if she falls downstairs again?"
"Then she can stay there until your mum and dad find her in the morning," Christian said, his gaze shifting from Syed's eyes to his lips. "How was the kiss anyway?"
Syed blushed. "It was awful, actually," he said with an embarrassed smile. "She had lip gloss on. It made me shudder."
"Oh, so you wouldn't like me to wear lip gloss, then?"
"Why?" Syed smiled shyly, looking into Christian's eyes and beginning to feel very much more relaxed. "Were you thinking of kissing me any time soon?"
xxxxxxxx
Some time later, Christian and Syed lay in each other's arms, tired and satisfied. Their lovemaking had been slow, sensual, intense, creating the profound sense of togetherness that both had missed so much. Syed's head lay on Christian's shoulder, and while he lay there with his eyes closed, he revelled in the feeling of Christian's fingers playing gently with his hair.
"What's wrong with us?" Syed said quietly. "Why do we keep jeopardising this?"
"I don't know," Christian laughed. "Maybe we think we could have better sex with someone else..?"
"No, I'm not talking about sex." Syed raised his head so he could look into Christian's eyes. "For two people who keep saying that we hate being apart from each other, why do we risk losing this – the time we spend holding each other after making love. Why do we keep messing things up and risking not having this?"
"I really don't know," Christian smiled, reaching down to kiss Syed softly on his lips. "I adore you, Syed. I hate not being with you. Please let's promise to try harder in future."
"Oh God, for sure," Syed replied, beginning to plant small, tender kisses on Christian's lips.
Suddenly, Christian pulled away. "Oh God!" he said loudly, throwing his head back into the pillow. "There's one disadvantage of us getting back together."
"What's that?" Syed said with some alarm.
"Amira. I thought that woman was out of my life. She'll be part of my life for ever now, won't she?" Christian said with mock concern. He started to laugh. "Do you know what Roxy called her this evening? Pocahontas!"
"I shouldn't say this, really," Syed replied, starting to smile broadly. "But Tam told me what Afia calls her."
"What's that, then?" Christian asked.
"My Little Pony."
And the two men laughed until they were exhausted and slowly drifted off to sleep in each other's arms.
- FIN -