The Eclector was normally quiet after everyone was tired of training and partying with nothing much else to do until they received their next scavenging missions. Mercer was used to it, being able to walk through the halls and think for a bit between his room and his destination that might as well be his room. He spent enough time in there over the years since everything in his life got weird, he might as well move in but it would be suspicious. They still had plenty of time when they had everything figured out. Things were better this way. The young brunette rounds the corner, peeking back occasionally as he adjusts something just beneath his Ravenger jacket. It was uncomfortable to walk around with the tight garment on but it was his safety net now until he could get back to Knowhere and take care of some unfinished business. Fates help him if any of the others found out what happened to him especially Peter, the boy that was pretty much his brother since they were raised together on this ship.
They were only a few years apart in age but they were very close after being abducted from their homes in such a sudden manner. While it initially seemed like the worst-case scenario for them, they grew into their potential roles on the ship as they proved more worth than they were initially given, becoming the adopted children of the captain of the ship. They didn't question it if they were surviving in this strange new part of their lives. While Peter went on to focus on being a space rogue known across the galaxy, Mercer had his own issues to worry about as they grew up. He still feels just as dirty as he did what seems like decades ago now but he was so close to his goal, he couldn't give up now as much as the universe was trying to beat him back into his place. He'd fight it the entire way if it meant finding himself and becoming whole, to be complete for the first time in years, he just had to find him again and finish this already.
He rips his arm out from under his jacket when he hears someone come around the corner ahead of him, stopping to fix some pseudo glitch in his headset as two crew members pass by. They exchange general greetings before he continues ahead towards the bigger of the doors in the corridor. He doesn't bother to knock and steps inside, greeted by the comfort of privacy at last. The private quarters of the ship weren't very big, more like broom closets really offering just enough space to accommodate the resident, a small bed, and room for any treasures as well as a small private bathroom but this room is better in every sense: A bigger space to move around in, a large bed to fit at least three or four people, a large window replacing one wall to allow a view into the deep reaches of the cosmos, and as he recalls, a sizable washroom with a shower just big enough for two people. He starts unlatching his jacket as he crosses to the bed, tossing it aside and flopping onto the bed as he sucks in a large breath of air. He runs a hand down his chest, the smooth fabric of the binder almost as comforting as the sheet cradling his back. He recalls going through several types before finding the perfect one to give him the passable look without making him break out in a rash in the first hour. It was embarrassing how long he waited to ask for help in that category but after everything that's happened the past few years, he was happy to have aired it out to someone, even more so when it turned into something he once thought he could never have.
He rolls onto his side and grabs one of the pillows from the head of the bed, hugging it to his chest and deeply inhaling the scent. To anyone else, it's a musk of scotch, leather, and grease, but to him it's the smell of understanding and comfort, of compassion and patience, of wisdom and safety. He knew the odor well and the person it belonged to even more so, being lulled to sleep by the aroma until he feels a hand on his shoulder. He glances back, smiling at the familiar hue of cool blue skin of the half-naked Captain and the dark eyes roving over him like the fingers on his arm that roam to his binder.
"How's it doing for ya?"
"It's perfect." Mercer chuckles as the other climbs in bed behind him, an arm snaking around his waist while the other rests against his chest. "For someone who was once clueless about the culture of binders, you really know how to pick them out."
"Because I don't skim when it comes to spoiling my Little Diamond." He feels a nose nuzzle into the back of his ear, feeling color come to his face as the hand on his chest traces the seams of the binder. "He only gets the best of what the universe has to offer."
"What about the crew and Peter?" Mercer teases. "The fearsome Yondu shows no generosity to his own Ravagers?"
"The crew is a group of full grown men, they don't need to be babied. And Peter takes care of himself nowadays anyway, he has no need for my help." Yondu states.
"And what deems me worthier than Peter? You normally try to treat us equally but things have obviously changed." Mercer inquires as he turns to face the Centurian. "Answer me that, Captain."
Yondu laughs through his nose, pulling the young man flush against him. "You both are my boys. I've raised you from your snot-nosed days into a pair of fine Ravagers but you grew in your own ways." He quietly sighs as he brushes dark bangs from the other's face to gaze into small green eyes. "Peter grew like a weed, useful at times but mostly a difficulty in the long run until someone overlooks him for what damage he can really do. You've blossomed into a Lunar Lily that glows even during the darkest of times, not letting anything hold you back from unleashing your true beauty." His hand moves from the binder to the other's waist, carefully tracing fingers along the tips of hip bone that cause the other to gasp. "You haven't fully blossomed yet but you still glow with such potential after everything that's held you back for so long. I don't want to be a hindrance to you, I want you to be content with everything even if it means we have to hunt that bastard down for half a century." Mercer looks away dejectedly and feels the other's arms tighten around him. "Sorry, I didn't mean to bring it up."
"It's alright," Mercer whispers.
"No, it's not," Yondu mutters. "That scumbag did you wrong in the worst of ways and it still makes me fume, but it gives me no right to dig up bad memories that make you feel like half a man."
"Technically I am." He murmurs.
"No, you're not."
"Then why do I still feel the need to wear this binder even on the ship I call home?" Mercer growls. "I'm a freak, I know I am. All because I foolishly trusted some crooked doctor and I deserve it." He surprised by the other shifting on top of him, forcing him to look up into dark eyes that remind him much of the deep reaches of space. That serious look was never given often to him unless he needed it.
"Listen here, you're not a freak and none of this is your fault. You deserved none of what you've been through since that bastard left you in such a vulnerable state." Yondu affirms, gently cupping Mercer's face in his hands. "I know you think that more often than you should but you know that's not the truth, it's the lie that's been compounded by your dysphoria that hasn't been made any better as a result. You know this." He tenderly wipes away a tear as the other looks away, his emerald eyes glassy with emotion. "I don't care about the body you have, whether you have breasts or pecs, arms or stubs, or even what's going on between your legs. I don't love the body you have, I love the mind that's grown and evolved over the years despite everything fighting back against you. You're stronger than most the men on this ship after every level of hell you've been through and that's what I find the most attractive about you. Even when whatever powers you believe in are beating you to the ground, you get back up and keep pushing forward instead of submitting to it." He shifts to lay on the bed and embraces the other, smoothing the flyaway bits of russet hair as he continues. "That's the thing that arouses me the most about you and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let anyone change that about you especially some leech with no idea whose gun is gonna be to his head when we find him." Mercer glances back at Yondu, a broken smile fading to view as he nuzzles against the pillow beneath him. "Things'll get better, I promise."
"I believe you." Mercer breathes. "I just have trouble believing it myself some days."
"Well, as long as I'm around, I'm gonna make sure you know that those thoughts you have aren't true." Yondu dictates. "You're not a freak, you are loved, and nobody is gonna say otherwise unless they wanna become acquainted with my arrow in a way you've probably not seen yet." Mercer laughs at the statement, nuzzling into the other's shoulder and taking in the scent of the other, calming the last of his turbulent memories. "But I am being serious."
"About the arrow thing or…"
Yondu quietly groans under his breath as Mercer chuckles aloud. "You know what I mean. I'm not gonna leave you without making sure you'll be safe and happy after I'm gone." He tightly hugs the other as he curls against him. "I promise."
Mercer's eyes fly open, greeted only by the cold silence of his quarters, void of anything other than himself. He rolls onto his back, staring at the ceiling as he reflects on the dream he just had. Why did his mind insist on tormenting him like this? After all these years of difficulties paying off with a bright future, why did the fates want to push him further to the brink? He throws the blankets off and quickly leaves the room, stepping out into an equally quiet corridor. He'd give anything to at least hear something other than the deafening silence at this point: his brother's music, Rocket cursing at some piece of equipment, even the arguments his brother's team would occasionally have between one another, just not this. He briskly walks through the halls to the pilot bay of the ship, a shorter trip than it would've been on the Eclector. The Quadrant isn't very big, being just an emergency shuttle fit on only hold one-fourth of the original Ravager crew but it was fine for the small group they had now. He slowly approaches the large domed window at the front of the bay, an older feature of space ships that Mercer found comforting more than anything as he could reach out and almost touch the cosmos. At times like this, it's what he needed to feel complete again after so many months.
He lowers himself to the ground and eases himself into the indent, resting against the glass as he hugs his knees to his chest. Despite the chill of the outside separated by a few millimeters of glass, it's the most warmth he's felt in the months after the battle. It still seems like yesterday he was barreling towards his father's planet in this very room beside Rocket, Kraglin, and Yondu, racing to save Peter from certain death by the hand of a man that was too much like a monster. Despite having Peter back in his life since he left to lead his Guardians, Mercer has never felt so empty in his life aside from moments like this, the only time he can be close to the one he once loved with all his being. He pulls out a small cassette player from his pocket, something he kept from his time after being abducted from Terra. It was a Walkman like Peter had before but a baby blue in color and less beat up, having not used it a lot after they started going out on missions together since one of them had to be paying attention to their surroundings. He shamefully had pilfered Peter's tape to copy for himself, having only listened to his tape a rare few times during their childhoods and almost impulsively after Peter left the Ravagers. It felt like he was still there on the ship, blasting his tunes much to everyone's displeasure. He made a few of his own over time, finding ways to get a hold of the songs from his youth to keep him occupied from his thoughts. He needs them now more than ever as he slips on his headset and starts the tape, nuzzling his cheek against the window as slow jazz begins to lull him to sleep again.
Strange how love songs he once thought were gross and weird as a child appeal so much to him now, soothing him like the words of his late beloved once did. His mind fades back to the fond memories with Yondu, how they adopted being the parents of the crew after Peter left, their continued search for the doctor that left Mercer half way through his transition to a successful end, and the content life they had for the next few months until the Sovereign stepped into their lives and everything began falling apart. If anyone, Mercer is furious towards the Sovereign leader for roping them into this mess that led them down the path that tore everything he knew apart. The mutiny, the race to save Peter, the battle with Ego, and their attack on them mid battle all led to him losing everything he held so dear. If he ever saw the gold-skinned female again, he would have no regrets about anything that transpired. He subconsciously slams his fist into the window, barely making a crack in it though bits of electricity spark from his fist. He pulls it away as he observes the blue sparks that jump between his fingers, unsure how long it has been since he lasted used his powers since facing Ego. He curls into a tighter ball, almost melding against the window as he tries to focus on the music instead of the painful memories from the aftermath of the battle. It can't be helped however when he begins softly sobbing, unable to bury the image of Yondu motionless on the floor and not being able to do anything about it. He didn't have a chance to truly say goodbye to him, to try to aid him in any way before his untimely demise, to show just how much the man meant to him during their time together.
Mercer is snapped out of his trance by a hand on his shoulder, unsure how to react as he freezes for a moment. He flinches when he feels fingers against his face as they brush away his bangs but relaxes when he finds a familiar face beside him. The former Ravager turned Guardian is one of the only remnants of their crew aside from Peter but he is much easier to talk about certain things considering how close he was to Yondu. Kraglin had known about the two since before Mercer came out as male and managed to keep quiet before that point while helping them track down the crooked doctor that ran on Mercer. Their mutual trust was shattered during the mutiny that nearly ended in the death of him and Yondu but he made up for it in the past few months. They had been working together on teaching Kraglin the ways of the Yaka Arrow and had become close again as a result but Mercer was never open with him about many things. He never really told anyone how damaged the aftermath of the battle left him, choosing to try to deal with it on his own with no obvious improvement as he felt himself continue to breakdown from the inside. The only one who could truly see it some days was Kraglin himself but he never knew why. At least he hopes he never knew.
The brunette glances away, pressing himself into the glass in a vain hope of disappearing but submits when he feels the headset be gently pulled off. He's almost tempted to use his powers to avoid this interaction but can't find the energy to even summon a few sparks, instead staring off into space to pretend he didn't notice the other. It fails when he feels a calloused hand wipe away a tear that managed to escape him.
"You miss him, don't you?"
Mercer looks back at the other, unsure of how to respond as he loses his words at the sight of tender golden orbs. He tries to speak but it comes out as a strangled cry that he tries to cover with his hand. He feels his body trembling with emotion, unsure if he can contain himself until he feels the gentle pressure of arms around him and looks up at the older man, then noticing tears in the other's eyes. He clings to the other, burying his face into his shoulder as he loses himself, hot tears slipping as he loudly weeps into the red leather of the familiar uniform jacket. They remain like this for a few minutes as they slowly shift their positions, Kraglin laying against the window with Mercer curled up in his lap, cradling him as he lets his heart leak into the empty space of the pilot bay until his voice becomes hoarse and his eyes are nearly bloodshot from crying. Kraglin remains quiet the whole time, rubbing gentle circles in the other's back as he lets tears of his own slip out. He misses his former Captain as well but he knows how much Yondu meant to Mercer. He was worried after the funeral about how the boy would be able to cope with this. He seemed okay and never really brought it up in fear of causing a breakdown but it seems he was already on that path. He's unsure of how long the other had been holding back this pain that seemed to consume him but for it to come to a point that mentioning the lost captain caused such a shift, it had to have been for months. They sit in silence until the young brunette settles himself against the blonde, staring out the window for a few moments.
"This is the only way I can be close to him again," Mercer whispers, eyes glassing over with tears again as he places a hand against the cool glass. "He's out there among the stars now, floating along until he becomes part of one himself. Even though what's left of him is light-years, this window is the only way I can feel like he's beside me again, like he never left, like" he tightly curls into himself as he buries his face into Kraglin's chest "like he never died."
"I know it hurts, Mercer." Kraglin states, gently embracing the other as he gazes out the window himself. "It always hurts when you lose someone you care about but you know why he did it. It wasn't without cause because everything he ever did was with you two at heart in one way or another. He treated you both differently, yes, but he loved you two so much. You know he wouldn't let Peter die that easily, he wouldn't be able to live with himself." He feels the other shake with a silent sob and firmly hugs the other. "I miss him too some nights, feeling like I'm missing a big part of myself with him gone but it does get better. I know you love him but you can't linger on this forever, Mercer. He did all he could to make you happy, at least do one last thing for him and try to be happy even though he's gone." He gently pets Mercer's head as the other buries his face into his chest again. "He wanted nothing more than to see you smile even on your worst days and if nothing else, let him know everything he ever did for you wasn't in vain."
The silence lingers once again on the two until Mercer looks up, eye bright red from crying and cheeks flushed equally so, contemplating something before speaking up. "Alright, I'll try. I know it won't be easy but nothing has been easy for me so far in life. Just something else to deal with on my own, I guess."
"You're wrong." Mercer looks up anxiously at the other. "You're not alone here. Before you had just Yondu to lean on whenever he was available but you have us now and we won't turn you away if you need something. I know I won't, at least." The other nods and is surprised when he feels the other pull his headset off from around his neck. "C'mon, get comfortable. I'll stay with you until you're ready to head back to your room, okay?"
Mercer softly smiles then shifts around to sit against the other before feeling his headset slide into place, the mellow tempo of drums and bass allowing him to zone out as he always did but with a new kind of warmth accompanying him this time. He gazes out the window, knowing this would be the final time he'd spend his waking hours alone with just the chill of space and nostalgic tunes to keep him company. He turns his head to rest against the other's chest as he closes his eyes, being met with a familiar comforting scent that he hasn't noticed until now: scotch, leather, and grease. He smiles as he falls asleep for the first time in months.