A Ghost of a Catharsis
Written after watching 'Ghost' for the first time, for my benefit if no one else's.
*
On the first count of the indictment, attempted second degree murder of Antonio Montoya, what is your verdict?
Guilty.
On count two, the attempted first degree murder of Alexandra Cabot, what is your verdict?
Guilty.
On count three, murder in the second degree of Elena Brevet, what is your verdict?
Guilty.
On count four, murder in the second degree of Jason Brevet, what is your verdict?
Guilty.
*
"Guilty on all counts!" Casey sounded almost surprised at herself as the group strolled down the corridor to her office. They'd arranged to meet Alex there and, with a quick detour for celebratory alcohol and glasses, planned to get there first to surprise her. Their plans had been made in whispers and giggles – an immeasurable contrast to the mood of the past few days.
"I never doubted it'd be anything else."
Elliot's words were light and calm, a smile tugging at his usually straight lips. He passed a bottle of champagne to Olivia, who took it, wrapping her fingertips around the cold, wet glass. To her side, Olivia felt Cragen twitch, and she dared herself to look at him.
"Alex knew just how to push Connors' buttons."
It wasn't a question, but it asked for an answer. Olivia knew that no matter what she replied, Cragen would know. He always did.
"She's a great prosecutor."
"And you gave her the ammunition."
She waited for the reprimand, but none came. Instead, her captain held her eye for a moment longer, then blinked. His eyes cleared of the odd mix of disapproval and quiet satisfaction, leaving Olivia to wonder how a man with such determination to uphold the system could reconcile his faith in it with events like these.
Elliot's sudden hushed tone cut through her thoughts. "Is that her, is that her?" An anticipating silence seized the room, all heads turned to the door as a familiar silhouette approached. Alex Cabot walked into the room as if she owned the whole city and every building in it, and Olivia couldn't help the happiness that stirred in her.
"Take a glass Alex," beamed Elliot, pressing the cheap disposable plastic into her hand, "we're drinking your health."
"Well, that I'll drink to." She watched intently as the liquid filled the glass, the bubbles clinging to the sides, and Olivia noticed again the change in Alex. There was a distance now, from life, from people, that had never been there before. Where the Alex Cabot she knew so very well had every part of her life so entrenched in her very soul, the Emily from Wisconsin – and it pained Olivia to even think this – almost didn't have a soul at all. Perhaps the soul was Alex.
Casey surged forward, gushing, eyes wide. "Alex, you managed to prosecute from the witness stand, from the other side of the desk... it was incredible!"
"I did what I could." Alex's words carefully shielded Olivia's help in the matter, and for that she was grateful. "Thank you, Casey. For everything."
Olivia swallowed and spoke, using the words to clear her throat and mind – both of which seemed to have become stuck thanks to Alex's presence. "What's going to happen to Antonio?"
Alex paused for a moment, taking time to answer. "Witness protection. I can't recommend it, but it'll keep him alive."
"And you?" Cragen's question snuffed out the happy hum of the room. It had to be asked. "What's going to happen to you?"
Alex barely looking at him. Instead, she looked straight at Olivia, and spoke directly to her.
"I have had enough of hiding. Today, an eight year old boy went to court to testify. I stepped in a courtroom today for the first time in so long. And I felt so alive... I can't go back. Not to Wisconsin, not to any other state or town or country. I'm done."
She shook her head, her eyes barely glistening, although Olivia's were dangerously close to dampening, and somehow giving her away.
"Alex..." Her voice was scarcely above a whisper, though the room was so deadly silent everyone could hear her perfectly. "You'd be gambling with your life..."
"Maybe," responded Alex, quickly, "but what else do I have to gamble with? And besides. I died once." She looked at Cragen, and Olivia was aware again of other people in the room. "Don. I'm going to talk to Branch. I want back in."
Cragen looked at Alex, measured her resolve, her determination with his eyes. He would say yes a thousand times to have her back prosecuting with them – to have things back to how they were before. But by giving his blessing, by saying anything, he would be putting someone he cared about in danger. He suddenly remembered Casey, glanced at her. She was looking down at the floor.
"I should go." She said, suddenly, leaving the room. Alex made no attempt to stop her. She couldn't. Not when all of the things that mattered to her were right here in this room.
"What about the guy... back in Wisconsin... who..." Olivia couldn't finish. Couldn't bring herself to say the words. What little she had managed to get out of her mouth flew across the room and slapped Alex hard on the cheek. She instantly regretted saying it, and in the same second she understood. Alex had done so much to protect herself. She had become a different person, completely. Walking in a Wisconsin supermarket, Olivia doubted that she would even recognise her.
"It's hard to be someone you're not," said Alex, echoing Olivia's words to her last night. "Take me home, Olivia. Please."
"You don't... you don't have a home here, Alex." replied Olivia, feeling like the worst person in the world for stating the uncomfortable truth.
"I meant yours," said Alex, walking out of the room with the quickest of glances to Cragen and Elliot. "I'll see you tomorrow. Well, maybe." she added, with the ghost of a wry smile, closing the door behind her and Olivia.
There was a pause, and it dawned on Cragen first. "Did she mean that 'maybe' because she might get shot before tomorrow or because she's not planning on getting out of Olivia's bed?"
Elliot looked confused, but just for a few seconds. His eyes widened in realisation, and he cleared his throat and looked to the floor. "You going to stop her?"
"With which?"
Elliot shrugged. It didn't really matter. It was almost the same thing.
"I don't think I can."
*
"Your hair's gotten longer," said Olivia, in an attempt to break the silence as they drove to her apartment. Alex was staring out of the window, like a child being shown the city for the first time, her eyes wide at the lights, the colours, the people.
"So has yours."
"A little. What do you think?" she asked, running a hand through it.
"I liked it shorter. It looked really hot shorter."
"I'll cut it." she answered, without a thought, pulling up into her parking bay. "Alex. Are you really going to do this? Are you really going to come back?"
"Do you want me to?" asked Alex, suddenly, urgently.
"Yes. Yes, I want you back. Do I want you to put your life in danger... no, of course not."
Alex sighed, almost smiled. She was about to try and explain something that no one could really understand.
"I've lost so much. In the program they give you a new name, a new 'life'. That much they give you. But you know, I don't feel like Emily. I'm not Emily. But after a while in Wisconsin, I didn't feel like Alex either. Being back here is the first time I've felt like Alex. I would do anything to be Alex again. So you see, it's not putting my life in danger. It's getting it back..."
Her eyes were bright. She was smiling. Olivia felt her heart tremble – an actual physical sensation in her chest that made it hard to breathe, to think.
"You could die."
"Yeah, I could." Alex said the words as if they didn't even matter, as if they didn't mean anything real. "But I was so paranoid in Wisconsin. A door would bang, a floorboard creak and I would be a shaking wreck – with no reason. I can't live like that. I need reason back in my life... if a door bangs around Alex Cabot it means something, right?"
"So you're going to be Super-Cabot? An ADA, not afraid of facing death every day?" Behind Olivia's light tone was fear, and Alex couldn't bear to hear it.
"Are you going to invite me in?" she whispered. Olivia could only nod. "We should have done this a long time ago."
Olivia managed to whisper back, I wish we had, before opening the car door and taking Alex Cabot up to her apartment.