ANIMORPHS: Last Request

( AN: Another old fic I wrote a long time ago. Not meant to be long at all.

I cried when I read that part in the book, where Rachel dies. She was my favorite character, out of all of them. I was so mad when the author ended the series that way.

-hugs book-

This really doesn't do it any justice, I'm afraid ... )

The Beginning

My name is Rachel …

Strange how odd and familiar those words are. They used to hold comfort, filling a part of me that I never knew I even had. I never knew how much I would miss those adventures; those insane suicidal, kamikaze missions that were meant to save lives.

I knew what was coming … I knew …

It seemed so long ago yet I can remember it like it happened only a few moments ago. Perhaps because to me, it had.

I'd seen it in Jake's eyes …

We are the Animorphs. Fighting the evil Yeerks in order to save all of humanity, as well as the Andalites and any other race the Yeerks had cruelly enslaved. Sure, we're just a bunch of kids but sometimes, kids take to changes more easily than adults do.

And you know what? I was scared …

Sometimes, small things can make huge differences. You know, they say that a single butterfly, beating its wings in china, may affect the way the wind blows here in our country. A single butterfly beting its wings may make a tiny change that becomes a bigger change that becomes a tornado. The world isn't like math. It isn't just one plus one equals two. It's more complicated than that. Much more complicated than that. A single butterfly … a single butterfly … a single butterfly …

But how is the butterfly supposed to know when to beat her wings?

Even after the Yeerks knew who we were, even after they knew we weren't Andalites, they still feared us. They knew we were a force to be reckoned with. When we started recruiting new members, our strength didn't grow … it just changed our outlook. It made us appear more frightening, more strategic.

I never thought I would be … Cassie thinks I'm fearless. Marco thinks I'm reckless. Tobias …

Have you ever looked into the eyes of the guy who you love and know that you will never be able to look into those eyes again? That gut-renching, frightened, hopeless, and utterly lonely feeling that you get deep inside that just grows stronger and stronger with each beat your heart gives out.

But I was scared …

Tobias was the only guy I ever cared about, in that way, I mean. At first glance, all you would see was a red-tailed hawk. But after you watch him for awhile, he almost appears to have human-like intelligence. The way he stares at you through those piercing gold eyes that just seem to take you all in. That's because, at one time, Tobias was human. But now, even though he can still morph, he lives as a red-tailed hawk. He chose to fight with us, instead of forgetting us all.

I guess no one wants to die. I guess everyone is scared when the time comes …

We had so many battles together. Jake, Cassie, Marco, Ax, Tobias, and I. We were all the unstoppable team. The unknown Animorphs, the defenders of humanity. We worked our tail-feathers, our paws, our tails, our minds to the brink and what did we get out of it? A parade? A big celebration every time we got home? A round of hugs from mom and dad? No, just the satisfaction of a job well done and sometimes, not even that. Not all of our missions went well but we hurt the Yeerks a lot. Sometimes, bad.

It seemed unfair, to come this far and get this close …

We had them. The Yeerks were just about to be taken down but there was still one last flaw that we had to take care of. Tom. Jake's older brother who had been a Controller for as long as we'd been Animorphs. It had finally come to kill or let humanity die. I'm always the one that Jake sends to do the crazy things. He doesn't ask me to do things. He says what needs to be done and knows that I'll find some way to get it done; he expects results.

It was a war, after all. A war we had to win …

Tom thought we were dead, that he had finally killed off the 'Andalite bandits'. Jake's Yeerk was smart. Jake was smarter. He had Visser One, he had control of the visser's own personal Blade ship. We had one last chance to take Tom out and Jake had sent me to do it.

I would go grizzly to kill Tom …

It wasn't that I didn't enjoy the battle. I'd be lying if I didn't. Jake was always saying he was worried about me. Worried about what would happen after we won the battle. Guess he won't have to worry anymore now.

The danger was closer than that …

I remember those few moments. Those last precious minutes that I thought were just a part of another battle that I would talk about for years to come. I was in the Yeerk ship with Tom, behind him actually. He was glaring at the screen in front of him, at the tiger and the red-tailed hawk that stood next to Visser One who looked dejected and humorously, defeated. Jake and Tobias, the tiger and hawk.

Well, Tobias loves me …

Jake looked at me. Like he knew I was watching him through the screen. I heard his voice in thought-speak, telling me to go. Telling me to attack Tom, to kill his cousin. To do what he couldn't. Then, I heard Tobias say my name and I felt like somehow, that I would miss that voice in my head. Fully morphed as the grizzly now, I did what I did best. I did what I do better than anyone. What Jake counted on me to do.

I attacked …

Hitting Tom dead-on had been easy. Too easy. I should have known by then. I should have guessed that this battle wasn't going to end the same way as the others. I should have known, but I didn't.

It was my moment. This was my place and my time and my own perfection …

The rest of the Yeerks had morphed by now. It looked odd, being surrounded by animals that I morphed so many times before and to know that they were now the enemy. I faced two lionesses, a cape buffalo, and a polar bear. We were frozen. Waiting for somebody to move, waiting for the first step in the dance of our final battle.

But I was missing something … Something nagged at me … Tom …

He was my cousin, Jake's older brother. I remember being with him when we were kids. We were never close but I was always assured in the fact that I could go to him for help. Now, he was sneaking along me as a damn snake while I fought my way through the battle. I was bleeding everywhere but the pain wasn't catching my attention. I've been able to tune out the pain during battles. You just get used to it.

Rachel!

Tobias' voice was serene, far-off like I was watching T.V. or something. But I wasn't. I was in the middle of space, fighting a bunch of Yeerks and my cousin to the death.

I couldn't think … Couldn't see …

I was bleeding so fast that my energy just seemed to melt away from me. I could see blurs in the edges of my eyes and felt annoying stings in my grizzly fur. Tom's morph: a cobra. He had poisoned me and I was dying. All the animals were on top of me, clawing and biting their way into me. If I had the strength, I would have bitten all their heads off. Strange to be a grizzly bear and feel so weak.

I had failed. Tom. Alive …

Again, Tobias cried out my name. I couldn't concentrate on what could have been. I had a job to do. I still needed to carry out my last mission. This was going to be done and it was going to be done right.

Help me, Tobias .. help me get him. Help me get him!

I held my paw out as Tobias watched with his hawk-eyes from another ship, probably miles away from me. It was a discomforting thought to know that I lay there dying and I couldn't even be near the one I loved. Again, I forced the thought away. I didn't have time. I was losing precious seconds.

I'm ready …

Tobias shouted and I jerked my paw, claws extended. I heard that horrible snake shriek and even though I couldn't see him, I could feel him wriggling in my paw like a worm on a fishhook. My cousin, the cobra, was impaled on my claws. I bit down on him, hard. It was the only thing I knew I had the strength to do.

Sorry …

Then, I was demorphed. Maybe it was part of some subconscious morphing capability that let you out of your last morph as you died. I don't know. I never had the time to ask.

But I didn't kid myself …

I lay there, a weak human girl surrounded on all sides. That polar bear loomed over me, his strength the equal of my grizzly. But I wasn't the powerful grizzly anymore. I was just me. I was just a human. I had nothing left.

I didn't hope …

I strained my head to look up at the viewscreen. I had to see them. I had to act like everything was alright. I knew Tom was dead. Nothing could withstand the deadly bite of a grizzly. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the cobra lying motionless next to me. But turning back to the screen, I saw my best friend, Cassie. Jake, my cousin and leader. Marco, funny Marco. Ax, our Andalite. Tobias …

I love you …

He had morphed. He was his human self once more. He'd done that for me. And because he was crying. I understood. Humans cry, hawks don't.

I tried to smile … for him …

There he stood, his hands pressed against the screen as if he was trying to somehow reach me. I felt my own hand instinctively reach back out to him and felt my heart ache with feelings that I never known before. At that moment, I hated myself. For being weak. For dying. Regret, sweetness and sadness mixed up in that one moment as I stared into his wonderful, beautiful eyes. I was already dead and Tobias was mourning.

You fight well, human.

I didn't close my eyes. I refused to take my eyes from him. That precious image of him, that love in his eyes that I would never be able to experience and wanted to keep forever. I don't know how but I wanted that image in my mind to follow me, to haunt me but to never leave me.

Then the polar bear killed me with a single blow …

Then, the Ellimist. Time itself stopped for him. The puppet master had come to watch my final act. But I was free of my strings. I had been able to play my part without anyone holding me down without my say so. My only leader was Jake, and myself … and Tobias. My Tobias, my sweet Tobias.

I wanted so much to live …

The Ellimist told me all I needed to know. He didn't speak. I just knew. I knew he couldn't help me, he couldn't alter time. Not even this once. My time had really come and I had to accept it. He was here to honor me, to honor my last memory.

Did I … did I make a difference?

Was I worth something here? Did all my efforts prove something after all? Everything I had done, all the excuses and lies I had told my mom, had they been worth it? The missions that Jake had taken us on where I plunged head-first, had they been worth it?

My life, and my … my death … was I worth it?

I wanted to ask , 'Tobias will be alright? My friends will win? The battle is really over? The Yeerks are defeated for good? They won't close down the shopping malls?' Just random things that ran through my mind but I would never be able to ask, never be able to know. Would they prevail? Would the visser turn on them? Would they all be killed because I hadn't taken Tom down sooner?

Did my life matter?

It was a question that any dying person would want to know. That anyone living would want to know. My body tingled and shook with emotions of fear, regret, loneliness, and heart-break. It felt like I could barely breathe, so much of me ached. It was the only word I could think of to describe how I felt … just pure, heart-throbbing aching that vibrated through my every nerve.

Yes, you were brave. You were strong. You were good. You mattered.

His words that usually lacked in any sort of strong emotion now spilled into me. What he felt, I will never know, but it ran through me and washed me with a certainty that I had done good. That what I had done would help my friends, that I had not screwed up on my last mission. That Tobias would live … that made me proud.

Yeah. Okay then. Okay then."

My last words. My last breath and my last thought …

I wondered if –

THE BEGINNING