Disclaimer - I wish I had Jo's talent but alas, I don't and even worse, I have nothing to do with anything HP related other than a deep deep love of the books

This is a slash fic, which for those of you that don't know means girl on girl action, if you don't like that stuff, turn away now and take a good long look in the mirror, if that's cool with you, Game on! Enjoy!

Oh and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE review if you had any reaction to this story at all, good or bad, it's the only way my writing will improve! If you review you will fill my heart with warm and fuzzy joy!

Choice or Destiny?

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have?... Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love, the clarity of hatred………it hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we could know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank... without passion, we'd be truly dead." – Angel, Passion (Courtesy of Joss Whedon's Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

……………………………………….

Why do things have to get so messed up? What's wrong with me? Harry's nice! I like him, we get on, but I just can't shake her out of my head. See the thing is, I'm fairly sure I'm gay, but I'm not certain you know? I should probably explain how this all started ……

It was my first year when I first met Hermione. I always thought she was beautiful but i was focusing on Harry at the time. It wasn't until the summer holidays between my fourth and fifth year at Hogwarts that I really started to fall completely in love with her.

We spent the summer together at Grimauld place with Harry and we just talked every night. She didn't even seem phased when I told her I thought I was gay! She was just really fantastic about it and we talked even more. She even told me she's thought about being with women too. She confessed to me that she'd never kissed a guy, and for a day or two we planned to be each other's first proper kiss till she backed out.

She did meet and kiss that arsehole Cormac McLaggen of course but I never forgot it should've been me. She was encouraging me to explore myself and my sexuality more, but the more we talked and the more she made me think about what I wanted in life the more I realised it was her I wanted. She figured it out of course but she was still ok with it. Of course she made it clear she was straight and so not interested but still I couldn't help but love her.

We went back to school and I really really missed talking to her every night, but she still made time for me, even while she was freaking out about exams and stuff. I'd come to her head girls room and we'd catch up on which celebrity's I thought were gorgeous on that day and who I had my eye on at school. We cried, we laughed, made crude sex jokes about turkey basters and strap on cocks but I was never as focussed on the sex side of stuff. All I wanted was to wake up next to someone in the morning and listen to them breathing, to kiss when they, or I, felt bad and to spend time with, watching dodgy old movies and talking about life.

Maybe it's cos I'm the youngest and only girl out of seven children but I'd always had confidence issues. See, I was always the good one. I tired to get good grades but even if I did I always felt a little ignored, that nobody cared or understood a thing about me except Ron. Ron and I are really close but I can't even tell him any of this out of fear it'll leak back to our parents. And even though Hermione kept assuring me I was beautiful and normal I never felt it.

Was it just cos I didn't think guys would ever notice me that I turned to women? Was it just because I don't see myself as a particularly sexual being that that side of relationships is less important to me? Then of course there's the family side to worry about, I know my dad's a bit of a homophobe and mum's so set in her 1950s housewife role that she'd never understand either.

Am I trying to be straight to please them or because I am straight. I dated Dean and Harry both for a while but things didn't work out. As much as I really cared for Harry and as much as he wanted it, and as much as I wanted to get the virginity issue over and done with I couldn't bring myself to go all the way with him. We were lying there together one night, kissing and cuddling after a few sneaky drinks and things did start to get a little heavy.

I liked Harry, he was a kind, sensitive respectful man who would never do anything to hurt me, but as I lay there, his fingers working away inside me, my hand moving up and down over his rock hard cock I felt nothing. Not particularly turned on, happy for him to keep going but equally as happy if he'd stop. I was just numb inside. I can only speculate but things may have gone further if Ron hadn't knocked on the door, needing to drag him away on some urgent business but I was still indifferent.

What kind of freak am I! Maybe I should have asked him to stay, slept with him. Maybe then I'd know for sure, but I'm still holding out for Hermione. We still talk, and although it's been a while since we've been together properly I still think of her and wait for the day something'll click in her head and she'll want me. She went to uni of course, and she even told me she'd kissed another woman. This of course hit me like a cannon ball to the gut but I tried to act like I didn't mind.

Then there were the endless conversations about Krum. How sweet and sensitive and smart and funny and sexy he was, when I could plainly see he was messing her around. We'd talk for hours about him, or rather she'd talk and I'd listen, about why he didn't want her, why they were so perfect for each other and how many breaths he took between sips of coke and I pleaded with her to forget about him, begging her without words to be with me but to no avail.

One night after another eternity of her talking and crying about Krum, we went our separate ways and as soon as I got back to my dorm I started to cry! I never cry! I just thought of all the pain this useless male was causing the woman I loved and I began to sob. After I calmed down a little I took out a quill and a new bit of parchment and started to write down everything I was feeling at that moment. I folded it and hid it away secretly.

It's been nearly a year and I haven't opened it again till tonight. I didn't remember exactly what was in it, but I wasn't shocked by the emotion of the letter because although time has passed and my heart has healed a little I still love her.

Never in my wildest dreams would I expect her to love me back. It's been so long. Am I still properly, completely, madly passionately in love with her? She's coming to see me for coffee tomorrow; I guess we'll see.