Chapter 1
"So… what did ya want me to do?" Master Chief replied. He stood in the middle of a battle field. He had one armored hand on a cellular phone, and the other cradling his SMG. "And how am I supposed to do that? Oh! Hang on, I have a call on the other line." He pressed a single button and the phone call switched "Yello? Mom not now! Yes I changed my underwear this morning don't worry! Look I gotta go, bye bye mommy!" he angrily clicked the red button on his small silver phone.
He was so angry that his mother had called at a time like this that he randomly threw it in the air in front of him. A rocket whizzed overhead and hit his phone, blowing it into multiple pieces. The metal clad chieftain looked up in shock. He mumbled to himself about having to steal another phone and figuring out how to use it. He looked around, there were members of his team lying on the ground, but more than the number of humans was the number of Grunts and Jackals lying on the ground.
The chief walked toward one of his team mates that were spread out on the ground. A strange red substance was on his lip, something the chief had never seen before; he swiped one of his metal fingers across the lip and brought the substance to where his lips should be. He banged his finger on the glass. He cursed and tried again, only to have the same luck. He started yelling and tapping his helmet at a rapidly. He stopped feeling like a fish in a bowl. He decided that he couldn't get the liquid into his mouth and started talking to the team mate on the ground.
"Hellooooooooooooo" he yelled "Wake up sleepy head" he picked up the team mates Magnum and started hitting him with it. "Hmmmm. More of the strange liquidy stuff… maybe I should bring it back to the main base and ask what it is… I could go down in scientifical history!" he looked around for something to carry it in. Not finding any sort of container, he pulled out a green sphere that was given to him before this mission "I'll just pull out this tab thing and carry the stuff in that!" he pulled the pin out and tried to scoop up the liquid.
Suddenly he was shot. He looked up; a Spartan was standing over him with a Magnum. This Spartan was obviously mad. He started talking in a familiar voice.
"Dude! What the hell are you doing?" He grabbed the grenade and threw it behind him. It exploded and the new Spartan went on "You're supposed to be killing the enemies and you stand over a dead body of our own team mates beating the shit out of him! He's dead! Are you disrespectful or something?"
The master chief cocked his head the side then replied "Dead? What is dead? Is it edible?"
The other Spartan slammed his hand into his helmet and replied "No! It's not edible you damn retard! Dead is where…" he stopped there, stumped. He rubbed his head in thought. "I guess when something is dead; it's not among the living and is just a body… no soul…. Huh… you've given me something to think about strange Spartan! Anyway, stop attacking him. He's dead and its disrespectful to beat the body of a dead man… unless its one of those alien things that we're up against then I guess you can beat his dead body… ya know, you never do see a female alien out here. Actually, I've been in one of the spawning grounds and haven't even seen a female!" he went on and on, the Master Chief wasn't listening, he had been staring at a bug that had started crawling around the "dead" body of his fallen comrade.
Then he heard foot steps. First they were low, and then they started to grow. More and more in numbers could be told from the sound of these foot steps. They Chief stood up and walked toward the sound. The other Spartan ran up to him and tried to stop him, but to no avail. Dude! The Master Chief is some kind of psycho! First he's talking on the phone in the middle of battle, and then he's beating up on a dead body, now he's walking toward certain doom! How did this guy become our sergeant? The Spartan thought to himself.
"I heard that!" The Master Chief exclaimed
"What?! What do you mean? I didn't say it out loud! It was in my head! You can't hear what's going on in my head!"
"I was talking to my tummy… he was growling at me… his name is Carl…" came the chief's reply. "Come on! Let's go! By the way, what's your name?"
The Spartan just stood there for a moment. "Caddyan. And why did you name you stomach?"
"Well Caddyan, I named him because other wise he would be very sad. So I gave him a name. Whenever he growls at me it means that I'm going to have lunch soon! I'm almost positive that there's a restraunt beyond this hill."
Beyond the hill came the footsteps headed into the city. Caddyan continued to follow; he was the last remaining member of Master Chief's squad, which meant that he had to keep the chief from killing himself until they found a Pelican that would take them back to the main base. Luckily for him, he was a pilot when he wasn't flying, all they had to worry about now was finding a working ship.
"Come on! Don't stop we're almost in the city!" called the Chief. Caddyan hadn't even noticed that he had stopped walking. The only thing he could do was convince Master Chief into finding a ship.
"Sir? Maybe we should find a Pelican so we can get to HQ." he suggested
"Sure!" Caddyan pumped his arm in success "After we get down to the city, find something to eat, and get me a new cell phone. You know the way around this city?"
"Sir, I really think that we should find ship! The aliens are about to over run the city!"
"Nah. They wouldn't want this city don't be such a worry wart!"
"Why wouldn't they want this city?" Caddyan questioned
"Because it doesn't even have one McDonald's! Who could live without McDonald's?"
"BAH! You're impossible!" Caddyan yelled out.
He still followed the Chief down the hill where they found what was making the foot steps. It was an army of Grunts.
"Teddies!" cried the Master Chief as he ran down the side of the hill toward them.
For some reason the Grunts hadn't heard his yell and continued to march through the city. The Master Chief ran in, picked up one of the Grunts, and hugged him. Apparently the Chief had given the Grunt a Bear-Hug, a hug that squished the Grunt until all of the Grunt's organs came out if its mouth.
"Run away!" shouted a Grunt
"He'll destroy us all!" shouted another Grunt "Destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy uh…" The Grunt stopped yelling because Caddyan had shot him with his shot gun.
The Grunts ran to and fro in terror. Every time a Grunt ran toward the Master Chief, the Chief picked it up, and hugged it. Suddenly the chief saw something. It was a strangely colored blue sphere. He picked it up and yelled out "Who dropped this?" all of the Grunts screamed and pulled out plasma pistols. The area turned completely green as all of the Grunts charged up the pistols, and shot themselves.
"WHY??!" cried out the master chief after all of the small dwarvish bodies fell to the ground with small thuds. The chief started weeping hopelessly. Caddyan came up behind the chief and patted him on the back.
"Give me that!" Caddyan snapped as he took the sphere away from the chief "Are you crying?"
"No!" the chief said as he lifted his head in one sudden movement. "Ok, lets go."
They stalked off toward the city. When they saw more of the spheres, they picked them up and put them away in their armor. They found a phone store where they found a dead body outside of the shop with a rocket launcher by his body, and a key in his hand. The chief looked at the key, then at the rocket launcher and continuously moved his head back and forth between the two items as if he couldn't decide which to take. He moved his hand toward the key, then darted for the rocket launcher.
"No! No rocket launcher for you! Just take the damn keys!" said Caddyan
Once again the chief made for the key but instead picked up the launcher, and fired. The store blew up. The chief raised one hand; ready to catch a phone. He caught one, and walked away.
Caddyan stood there, watching as the building stood ablaze.
"You… are… impossible…" he said quietly