The reality of the situation is that all his friends are getting married and starting families while he waits with resigned expectance for her to bolt. He was heartbroken the first time it happened, but now, ten years later, he accepts it as an inevitability, like the changing of the tide or the passing of the seasons.
He'd had a reputation as a ladykiller when they met. He knows he is undeniably attractive to women, but in his younger days he'd been rather less concerned with their feelings than with his own relentless search for the one who could hold his interest. He enjoyed the chase; that spark of zeroing in on a target, pursuing her, weighing her worthiness, debating the existence of someone better. That he left behind a trail of hurt feelings and shattered self-esteem was regrettable, but not something over which he had any control.
Until he fell for her.
Even now he can't pinpoint the exact moment when everything flipped. Truth be told, when they first met, he wrote off her quiet, introspective demeanor as a lack of intelligence. He sees now that she was guarding herself, evaluating her surroundings and calculating risk. Slowly, painfully slowly, she became an integral part of their circle of friends. It seems like one minute they were all hallway neighbors, laughing at jokes, studying, watching movies and ordering pizza, when all of a sudden, she became the center of his universe.
She was the antithesis of everything he normally found attractive in a woman. Pretty in a natural sort of way, she wore very little makeup and wasn't the type to wear clothes that were too flashy or revealing. She was an athletic, easygoing, outdoorsy type whose outward calm disguised a much more complicated nature.
His pursuit of her was subtle. He stopped judging the characteristics of other women in her presence. His trademark innuendo and inappropriateness ceased. He asked about her day and listened to what she said. He held open doors, picked up the tab for drinks and cab fares, and he yearned.
One chilly November day, when he finally asked her out and she said yes, the ease with which they entered into a relationship astounded him. Those first few months were the happiest, easiest time of their relationship. The first warning sign came when she requested that they keep their relationship a secret from their friends. He brushed it off, rationalizing that anyone with her history of bad break ups and childhood abandonment would be skittish. Why put their fledgling relationship under a microscope? She'd come around eventually, when she felt comfortable.
Only she never felt comfortable. Even over a year later, after she moved to his hometown for her new job while he stayed behind to finish up law school and they were doing the long-distance thing, outright lies were told to close friends. Excuses for abandoning plans so he could secretly spend the weekend with her became commonplace. He hated being dishonest with the people he cared about, but he was powerless to refuse her anything. She was the only woman he'd never grown tired of, and he wasn't fool enough to jeopardize that.
The truth came out eventually. There was some well deserved ribbing from friends, no permanent harm done. But it unraveled soon after. He'd returned home for good, law school completed, and promptly moved in with her. Soon they were arguing over stupid things and the one bedroom apartment wasn't big enough to contain the feelings of entrapment (hers) and bewilderment (his). He moved out. It was May.
He told everyone (and himself) that he'd never loved her, that they were just incompatible. Sometimes he even believed it.
Four years pass. He has many first dates and one night stands, but nothing ever lasts. He hears that she has someone new, that they've bought a house together and tries to prepare himself for news of an engagement. It never comes. Instead, he hears that she has put the house up for sale. He calls her for the first time in years and offers to help her move.
They fall back into a relationship and its just as good as it was the first time around. They spend the winter curled up on the couch, working their way through various shows on Netflix. He reintroduces her to his family. She is welcomed back into their old circle of friends and it's like nothing has changed, except that everything has. No more secrets. He admits to himself that he loves her.
As spring begins to melt the snow, she awakens. When he looks at her, her face is the sun breaking though the clouds. She is around less often. Texts and phone calls go unanswered. She takes solo vacations to faraway places and stays in one room huts on the beach and surfs. He begins to accept that she doesn't want to hear from him. He texts less frequently. He turns down women who only want to have sex with him, but he pursues those he could see maybe building a future with. They never live up to his hopes. He spends a week in the summer at the lake with his family. His siblings and their families fill the cottage with love and life. He revels in the company of his nieces and nephews but feels like an outsider. He wants more.
She returns to him when the days grow shorter and a chill is in the night air. He presses her for explanations. He sees the panic flooding her eyes, the tension under the stillness in her body reminiscent of a hunted animal. She can offer no words. He loves her, so he wraps his arms around her and just breathes her in. She is so fragile that he thinks he might break her, but she's so wild that he's afraid to let her go.
They have a good winter. He's cautious at first, afraid to mention the future, always weighing his words so as not to scare her away. She's as relaxed and lethargic as a sleepy kitten and open to his affections. They meet up with their old friends, who smile at the ease they display with one another and wonder when the two of them will finally get their act together and settle down. They take several romantic trips together as the days grow warmer. People are disappointed when they return still not engaged. He dares to hope.
She stops returning his calls.
Three more years pass. She leaves him three more times. He wonders when (if) he will summon his self respect and refuse to take her back. All of his friends have married and had children. He watches the children grow up. He grabs pints with coworkers who jokingly call him the old man. He is thirty three.
His friends tell him he's crazy to hold on. He should find someone who will give him the life he wants. He deserves someone who will stay with him, not this messed up Hades and Persephone shit. They may be right, but he can't give her up.
Sometimes after he's had a few too many drinks and sleep is slow to come, he thinks about his earlier years. He thinks about cozy winter nights and lonely summer days and how she says she feels that they don't connect. He wonders why she only comes to him in the winter. But mostly, he wonders if that is enough.