Summary: After so many loops and reliving death, who am I in the end?
There's a hole where it shouldn't be.
A pothole in the quaint garden where his mother toils and puts her hard work into it so that it flowers and blooms. He didn't see the hole at first, so when he falls, the pain that tears through his ankle makes him scream.
His parents come out then, says, "oh no, he's hurt!"
"I think it's sprained and swollen."
They put him in the car, gingerly and careful to not make him cry any more than necessary. By the time the car is moving, his shrill cries simmer down to quiet sobs of pain.
He sits in a hospital bed, quiet and observing the people that enter his room. They tell him in smaller words that his ankle is a little swollen and that he only got small cuts from the accident.
An accident. That's what they're calling it. They only saw the two car collision and a raging fire and made the assumption that the incident was a complete accident.
They didn't see the monstrosity towering over a girl or the large green moon. They didn't smell the iron of blood or the gasoline leaking inside the car.
Now all that's left of it is the word that doesn't quite describe it and the absence of his parents.
"I brought you in to talk about your son." His homeroom teacher folds her hands in her lap. "There's been some issues."
His foster parents sit in the chairs, glowering at the fact that they were called in for him. To be honest, he did feel as if he was being ungrateful. He acts up sometimes, screams in the bed at night, refuses to interact with the family. If it weren't for the fact that they had other children that required more attention than him, then they would have doled out their frustration on him.
"What's the problem?"
"Well," his teacher reclines in the chair, "he's been acting strangely."
He can see the frustration already written on their faces. "How so?"
"He's been extremely reserved, refusing to interact with the other children, and," she thumbs through some papers, "he's been drawing some…gruesome images."
When she lays out the drawing on top of her desk, the frustration immediately transforms into complete surprise. He would look too, if it weren't for the fact he knew just what image is laid out on the desk.
A raging fire that burns everything in its path with no hesitance. Two clumps of black in a pool of red. A large thing with a sword attempting to throw it down on a girl with yellow hair.
"These are some disturbing images, I can't lie about that. I…do know about his family history," she lets a face of pity show, "so I won't be completely judgmental."
As they continue their discussion over how to treat him, he stares at the drawing and wonder just why that image continues to linger.
"Sorry, Arisato-kun. We have to move you again."
Another hollow apology. Another pointless move. Admittedly, he isn't exactly the best person in the world when it comes to being taken care of. He screams in his restless sleep, refuses to interact with anybody now. It's a miracle that they can continually find people that could take care of him.
"How are you feeling?" He glances up to the man, noticing how the smile seems pinched and forced for his benefit.
"I am fine." And he delves back into the little burrow he's carved out in his mind. Music plugs his ears and he lets himself follow the rise and fall of each note and lyric.
"Damn it, Aigis! Give me the key!" Yukari screams at the top of her lungs, trying so hard to reach the android woman. "It's the only way…please…"
Minato is saddened to see the woman crumple into nothing more than a lost child desperately wanting her love to come back. Were it up to him, he would have stayed. As much as he wants to say that he wants to stay, a contract appears in his head. It reminds him that no, you did make the decision and you will see it through to the very end. And he knows that.
He only wishes that he could portray that to them.
Time's fluidity is starting to mess with him. One moment, he's here watching people move along and the next, he sees people that he doesn't even know address him as though they have known him their whole life.
Are they dreams? Are they the beginnings of a crazed psychosis? Are they simply vivid hallucinations?
No, he refuses to admit that his tattered ten year old mind has become that broken. Isn't it enough that he sees blood everywhere? Isn't it enough that each night, the world is drenched in pasty green and towering coffins and frightening crimson?
No one else knows. If anything, he tries to sleep through it all. His penchant to sleep is partly due to this. But it's also partly due to feeling closer to those who have already entered the great sleep.
And he doesn't resist the idea of sleeping like the dead.
So he's the neglected child in the functions of his family. A doting mother, a slightly hesitant father, an energetic pet. Everything about their lives seems so saccharinely perfect that he almost searches for the strange inconsistencies.
Like when his step-father steps out for more than a few nights and comes home silently. Like when his step-mother cries silently to herself as she slowly stirs the pot. Like when the dog whines quietly as it pushes the bowl closer to the food bag.
Because he's learned from experience, he can't always believe in something so perfect. It crumbles just too easily.
When the hole in his mind starts digging deeper into his being, he wants to fill it with something. Anything to stop the incessant emptiness from swallowing him any further. Alongside the vivid dreams that seem so real and this never ending feeling, his mind is being torn apart in so many directions.
"Arisato-kun, would you like some soup?" His step-mother calls out to him from the kitchen. "It's piping hot, but you need to eat something."
"Minato, here's some soup. I added some special things to it just for you."
When Minato solemnly accepts the offer and walks in, that is the memory that assaults him. It is telling when he hasn't thought of his real parents since the accident. It's been so long ago that all he remembers is the car burning and oh god-
He sits down and gulps the soup down before he can continue that line of thought. While it is scalding hot and his step-mother chides him for such an (unusual) hasty action and tells him to blow on it.
Before long, he starts eating more to ignore thoughts that will continually haunt him.
"Minato-kun, I…" Her honey brown eyes water at the sight of her beloved crumpled like this. He's so weak and sick that it takes a lot of effort for him to smile.
"Don't worry, I always come back."
She smiles as she grabs his hand and squeezes for comfort. Surprisingly, it doesn't take a lot of effort for him to squeeze back.
It's always around age 13 that he remembers everything. When the hallucinations and the vivid dreams suddenly make sense. Who Aigis and Yukari and everybody else are. He wonders in his more quiet days if everything he's experiencing right now is simply a dream where he tries to stop the inevitable end from happening. Of course, there's no way for him to ascertain just what's happened. It's as if his mind transfers from graduation day to him reliving his childhood all over again.
At least he has some form of innocence in the beginning of what seems to be an eternity. But eventually, he remembers everything. This enlightenment forces him to change up what he does. After all, he doesn't want to succumb to some form of apathy syndrome.
On quirkier days, he branches out of his seclusion and plays with the world around him. He'll play with the dogs and cats. He'll smirk at the children on the playground and watch them quietly. He'll disappear for days because he gets caught up in reminiscing. Overall, he loses himself in the world that has brought so many promises and hopes.
Though his actions have repercussions. Some days, he'll come home with scratch marks and various wounds on him. Sometimes, he'll be called out on his watchful behavior and assumed that he is planning something. One night, he gets lost and is almost arrested for being out beyond curfew.
He doesn't fault the parents that have to deal with him because it's his fault. They continually ask him to change his serenely unnerving behavior because it's odd. They push him to interact with others because he's a child.
He sighs at the thought and waits for that wonderful letter from Gekkoukan Academy. That's when he could finally relive it again.
"Whoa, Minato-kun. You eat a lot." Yukari exclaims when they go out to eat at Wild Duck. "I mean, I expected it from Junpei, but I didn't think you were that hungry."
Junpei flashes a wild smile and says, "but of course, we're men!"
Minato just keeps eating his burger and observes. That's all he wants to do.
He remembers one day when he tried to kill himself. The very first time he remembers everything and he wonders if he could end it right here and now. It's a rather dark day for him, though the world did not reflect that. The day he locks himself in his room with a thin blade, hesitant after what he's lived through.
A calm breeze floats in his room; sunlight spreading as far it can go. Children and animals liven the surroundings and it only makes the decision harder.
Death's embrace curls in his hands and he gasps.
"You can't do it, Minato." A voice echoes in the caverns of his mind. "By ending it sooner than what has been fated, you doom this world to Erebus' hands."
Nyx. His mind supplies him with the name, but it still shocks him at how nonchalant the being is. Didn't he erase her presence from this world already?
"No. As long as humanity desires my touch, it will never truly be gone." Something cold curls in his chest. "You already knew that though, human. After all, you touched the very core of the universe and unraveled it against me."
He drops the razor, now terrified that he is adding to the monster that desires death. He grabs at his head and screams in his head, why are you helping me?
"Because we are symbiotic right now. You give me a body to live in and you are still alive because of me." The voice slowly disappears into nothing. "Don't fail me now because a human couldn't handle reincarnation."
It's a long silence after that. He isn't sure if that is a part of insanity or if he actually experienced that. All he knows is that in that timeline, his foster parents places him under suicidal watch due to finding him shocked still with a blade glimmering in the dimming sun.
Ryoji's scarf billows in the cold breeze of winter. He stands on the rooftop, watching over everyone and it's hard for Minato to not tell him just what exactly he is. He knows that at this point, the incarnation of death is thinking about his past and why he can't exactly remember specific details.
"Hey Ryoji." He says almost quietly. When the other boy turns around and smiles at his presence, he remembers just why the Nyx avatar was so forgiving and why he even had an option in the first place.
At that moment, there is no Nyx and no Dark Hour. At that moment, there are simply two boys sharing a moment that will stay with them for the rest of their days.
When he gets sent to Iwatodai, he can never hold back the sheer enthusiasm he has. After so much mental time travel, they are the only constants that remain in his life. Each one of them is so uniquely special that it puts a soft smile on his face. The memories of all their excursions still linger in his mind and it's enough to smile at, no matter how strange it is for anyone to see his smile.
Then he remembers just why he's here in the first place. He sees that pastel green sky and Transmogrified caskets and the bright moon and he remembers.
But of course, his memories can only go so far. He tries to remain aloof to it all, despite knowing that his last days will be spent here. He remembers talking to Yukari and Junpei over some lunch. He remembers the food poisoning he got after eating Fuuka's lunches and how he tried so hard to assure her that she'll get better.
He's used to the general flow of how his relationships work. He knows how they all react to various circumstances and troubles. Along with the social grace, he has had the opportunity to live so many days with his friends. It's honestly not surprising when some events happen differently from the last timelines. There will be days where Akihiko-senpai has that confident grin on his face and asks Minato if he wants to go exercise with him. Other times, Mitsuru-senpai shyly pulls him away and questions about regular society and its less than strict social gestures.
Today is something breath-taking and fresh.
"Hey, Minato-kun. We all planned to go out for dinner. Wanna come?" Yukari asks him with a smile on her face. He likes these types of excursions, the ones that doesn't involve advancing social links or just being a part of the timeline. He nods slowly, trying to hide his enthusiasm.
Yukari smiles. "That's great! Mitsuru-senpai invited us out since we've been working so hard."
He goes at a leisurely pace to maintain his aloof nature, but he doesn't let the skeptical glance of hers go from his mind.
"Minato-kun," Aigis stands at his door, blue eyes weary and excited, "do you remember me?"
He doesn't hesitate in running up to her and hugging her. He forgets her skin is cold metal, not warm flesh, but it is something that he could never let go. "Aigis. I missed you."
She slowly wraps her arms around his frame. "I…I missed you too."
The first repeat, he wondered what happened to her after Nyx. Why did she stay away? But after playing through this so many times, he simply lets himself fall in her arms and let her hold him the way she's always wanted to.
"I will never leave your side. That, I promise."
Yukari always has had a strong concern about his health, whether it be a cold from the nightly training or him getting feverish and in a coma-like state for two days. Admittedly, some of those things, he can't prevent. He still likes the concern though.
"You always get sick…I kind of just realized that." She says as she walks with him back to the dorm. "You have to take care of yourself, you know."
"I know."
She scrutinizes him, trying to find some form of a fault. She frowns when she hears his phone go off. He picks up and hears a few track buddies in the background as Yuko tries to invite him. Wild Duck. God, he could never turn down food, no matter what time he's in.
"Sure, I'll go eat."
Minato apologizes, but she shakes her head and has a polite smile on her face as he leaves. He pretends not to notice the doubtful look in her eyes as he does.
"So you tellin' me you knew the whole time." Shinji says calmly as they're in the expanse of the gate. "The whole time, that I was gonna let Ken…"
He shakes his head. "The first time around, I didn't know. I have to admit, I was a terribly closed off person."
"Still though, why do you let it happen?" Shinji pulls his coat just a little closer to himself. Minato remembers that as one of his nervous tics. "The first time around, it's excusable. The countless other times though…doesn't it hurt?"
Minato doesn't answer, for the answer lies in the aftermath of the day. Where he locks himself in his room and cries. Where he tries to schedule a few days of pure solitude for himself so that he remembers this was supposed to happen. It pains him so much when he has to keep pressing on, knowing that this is only the start.
"If I could change it, I would, Shinji."
He eats a lot. He always tries asking Shinji for cooking tips and it's hard not to laugh each time he sees the tips of the other boy's ears turn pink. Still, he can never give up food. All of his friends know his penchant for food for various reasons.
"He's filling a hole he can't fill with food."
He overhears Yukari's concerned voice in the otherwise quiet floor lobby and he doesn't know if he should feel flattered from the concern or scared that Mitsuru is the one she's talking to about this.
"Whatever Arisato does is his own issue," Mitsuru pushes a loose bunch of hair from her face, "and as long as he can traverse through Tartarus, it's fine."
Yukari scrunches her face at the dismissive tone. "But you of all people should understand that some things can't be replaced with material things."
His eyes drift slowly to sleep as he walks back up the stairs. I agree, he says in his mind. One day, that'll change.
He can't change a lot of things, but in the end, there's only one hole that can be properly filled.