Hold On To Your Heart
Rating: It's fine!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything!
Summary: Important events in Lindsey, Gil, and Catherine's lives that bring them closer together as a family!
A/N: So.. this is quite a long one-shot. I got the idea a couple of nights ago. I hope you all like it! Sorry for any grammar mistakes! Read and review! Listen to Elevate and Closer Than This by St. Lucia!
He remembered the first time he had held her in his arms. She was so little and fragile, that he had been afraid to drop or crush her. Children hadn't been his biggest strong suit. Most times when he was faced with a child, he didn't exactly know what to say or do. These little humans were more intimidating to him than the bigger ones. But as he stood in the tiny hospital room with his best friend laying in the bed only inches away, his perspective had changed within seconds of having her in his arms.
"She likes you," Catherine whispered from where she was in the bed, adoringly watching her best friend cuddle the baby she had just given birth to not hours ago. "She's cried when anyone else besides you and me try to hold her." She notices how fixated he is on the tiny baby in his arms and for a moment, she thinks he hasn't heard her. "Gil?"
"Even with Eddie," he asks softly, afraid that the little girl in his arms will awake. She's got the perfectly rounded little face and her small eyes are shut tightly. She manages to push her small arm out from the blanket she's wrapped in and he can't help but marvel at how tiny her little fingers are.
"Even with Eddie," she repeats his words in confirmation. In truth, Eddie hadn't stayed long and she couldn't find it within her to be mad at him. Having Eddie hold his own daughter for the first time, sadly, hadn't been as special as this moment with Gil holding her. He hadn't stared at Lindsey in awe like Gil was doing, hadn't hushed his voice intentionally to not wake her.
"Does she have a name?"
"Lindsey." Her little hand is grasping at thin air and without a second thought, he places one of his fingers against her palm. All five of her tiny fingers wrap around his out of instinct and he smiles.
"She's got a grip on her."
And little did he know then, but it wasn't just his finger she would have a grip of. His heart would soon be next.
\\
There's a fast knock coming from his door and he lifts from the couch to answer it. He's slightly perplexed as to who would be knocking on his door this late at night, but when he gets closer to the door, he can hear the familiar voice and his heart drops. He's no stranger to the type of night ahead of him, but this is a first with Lindsey involved.
He opens the door without even checking through the glass peep-hole and reveals a shaken Catherine Willows, her three year old daughter clinging to her neck. They stand there for a few seconds, him looking her over to make sure she's okay while she tries her hardest to keep her emotions in check. He reaches out with one hand that gently lifts her chin so he can get a good look at her face and her bottom lip quivers at his touch. When the toddler gets a glance at who's standing in front of her, her tiny arms unwrap from her mother's neck and reach instantly for him. Catherine is careful as she hands over her daughter to the only man she can trust and he accepts her gracefully.
"Hey honey," he whispers as the toddler now clings to his neck instead, her tiny legs trying to wrap themselves around his chest. One hand goes to the back of her head to steady her tiny body as his other arm goes out to pull Catherine from the doorway. His gentle touch nearly sent her into tears as she moves closer to him, burying her head into his arm as he pushes the door closed.
He stands there with both Willows girls in his arms and sighs softly. His free hand tangles itself in Catherine's long hair as she softly cries against his chest. The three of them stand in his dimly light loft for what seems like forever until she's pulling away from him to look into his eyes.
"I'm sorry," she whispers, wiping away the tears that have collected in the corners of her eyes and trying to take Lindsey from his. "I just… I knew we'd be safe here," she sniffs between words. He pulls away from her slowly, cuddling Lindsey against him even more.
"I've got her, Cath." She stands there for a few seconds, watching him hold her close against her chest as she falls back into a light sleep. Catherine's heart felt like it had nearly been ripped out of her chest. No mother should ever have to pull her sleeping child from her bed in the middle of the night because her father was a danger. It was in that moment that Catherine decided she would divorce her husband. No one, not even Eddie Willows, would jeopardize the safety of her daughter. "I promise," he reassures her and she reaches up with a steady hand to stroke her daughter's blonde hair.
Sadly, there's a ritual for nights like these. He makes up his bed for her while she crawls into his shower, letting the hot water run over her sore body. She navigates through his townhouse as if she's been living there all her life and as she steps into his bathroom, she drops the small bag of clothes and her daughter's supplies to the floor. She presses her back against the door and slides down softly. Her hands come up to shield her face away from the bright fluorescent lights as she thanks whatever higher power out there that Gil Grissom is a part of her and Lindsey's lives.
Her shower doesn't take long and when she's dressed in clean clothes, she pads out barefoot into the hallway. His bedroom is a few steps away and she slowly makes her way to it. The door is open so when she reaches it and leans against the doorframe, she's greeted with a view that mends her broken heart.
Gil is propped up by his headboard, a pillow behind his neck as Lindsey's tiny body lays perfectly content, snuggled up between his arm and his chest with her head resting on his shoulder. It's a sight that every mother deserves to see at least once in her lifetime and she smiles. Gil had been more of a father to Lindsey in the past hour and a half than Eddie had been in the past three years. And she wondered how much easier life would be if Gil had been her father instead? She shakes her head and just as she's going to head for the living room, his voices stops her.
"I can feel you thinking, Cath," he says with closed eyes. There's an empty spot next to him calling her name and she makes a move for it. Lindsey is in such a deep sleep now that their voices or the dip in the mattress as her mother joins them on his bed doesn't even wake her up.
This isn't the first time she's laid next to him in his bed, but it's not one of many and she still rests a little uneasy against his firm body until his hand comes up to play with her long strawberry blonde hair. He's learned over the years that it's the only thing that'll get her to stop over-thinking and just relax.
It's quiet, dark, and a bit cold in his room, and she shivers when his fingers leave her hair and find the skin on her shoulder instead. He reaches down without ever stirring Lindsey and grabs the covers that were pushed the end of the bed. He pulls them up over Lindsey first, making sure she's tucked in securely against his side and then over him and Catherine. It's nice to feel so safe and secure in Gil's arms, that it only takes her a few seconds to fall into a deep sleep against him. But before she does, she knows in the morning she'll have to go back to reality.
He's got a tiny Willows to his right and her mother on his left. His head turns from side to side as he looks down at them both. He wishes he had the courage to tell Catherine to just stay here with him, but he knows it's not logical. So he's content with just having them here in his arms for the time being and he knows that when the time comes again, when Catherine's crying and Lindsey is reaching out for him, that he'll be there no matter what.
\\
It was almost like a slap in the face when her daughter finally announced she didn't want to have a birthday party. In all of her life, she never knew a soon to be six year old who would turn down cake, ice cream, and presents. It hadn't taken Catherine long to get the idea in her head that maybe it was because of her? She worked all of the time, had no social life, and barely did things for fun… what if this was her fault?
The conversation she had with Gil earlier that day was putting her mind at ease, a little anyway.
"You any better?"
"What are you talking about," she asks, looking up at him from where she was in the break room.
"Your little major-minor blow-up about Lindsey not wanting a party."
"Oh, that. Yeah." She sighs. "I'm just afraid that I'm making her weird, you know?"
"No." It's a classic Grissom answer. Of course he doesn't know, she thinks to herself.
"I work 24/7. I have no time for my friends. My daughter rarely sees me having any fun. And, all of a sudden, she doesn't want a party."
"And that's because of you?"
"Yes. I'm her mother. She mimics me."
"Well, then she'll be fine. I mean, look at you."
So when she got off of her shift that morning, she heads straight to her sister's house where Lindsey had spent the night. She tip-toes into the room where her daughter is sleeping and brushes the hair away from her face. Her baby girl is six today. Lindsey's eyes slowly flicker open and when she realizes her mother is standing in front of her, she sits up in the bed and wraps her arms around Catherine's neck.
"Happy birthday, baby girl." She presses a kiss to the side of her daughter's head and hugs her back. "Listen… I know you said you didn't want to have a birthday party and that's okay if that's still what you want, but I have something fun planned and we're going to do it."
Her birthday starts off with the two of them eating breakfast at Lindsey's favorite diner. She gets a stack of pancakes that are covered in chocolate, whipped cream, and a few candles that the waitress has placed. Lindsey's eyes are as huge as the pancakes and Catherine laughs as her daughter takes a huge scoop of whip cream off the food with her finger.
They head to a toy store next where Catherine instructs her little girl to get whatever her heart desires. It surprises her at how modest and mature her daughter is when she picks outs a few puzzles and coloring books.
And after a full morning of driving around the city, stopping here and there to do little things that Lindsey thought were fun, they found themselves sitting at the park. She had just finished playing on the jungle-gym with a few of some friends from her school that happened to be there when she runs up to her mother, who had just gotten off of her phone with a smile on her face. There's an ice cream truck behind them and when Catherine asks if Lindsey wants some, her bright blue eyes light up in excitement.
They sit together, enjoying their ice cream, when Catherine suddenly spots him from across the playground with a wrapped present in his hands.
"So, Lindsey… when I told everyone at the lab that you didn't want a party, they were very upset. One person in particular was very upset he wouldn't get to see you today." The look on Lindsey's face was priceless and Catherine had to remind herself to keep it together. "But I convinced him to come meet us anyway," she whispers to her daughter, ducking down closer to her and pointing in the direction of Gil.
Her eyes grow wide at the sight of Gil and she jumps down from the bench, nearly throwing her ice cream at her mother.
"Uncle Gil," she shouts out, running into his arms. He lifts her up effortlessly in the air, even while still holding her present. Her arms go around his neck and he smiles as she gives him a tight hug. "You remembered my birthday," she whispers to him as she pulls back to look at him.
"Of course I remembered. October 20th, 1994. You're six years old today."
"That's right," she giggles as he puts her down carefully.
"Ah… I believe this is for you," he says, handing her the neatly wrapped gift. She stares down at it in wonder and he bends down to get closer to her level. "Go on… open it," he encourages her. She rips at the pink butterfly wrapping paper and reveals the chemistry kit Gil had been so excited to give her yesterday during their shift.
"Whoa," she says as her eyes scan over the kit, complete with goggles, an apron, test tubes, and countless other things that have caught her attention. "Thank you, Uncle Gil," she says as she steps into his embrace, nearly knocking him over at the force of her hug. "Will you help me set it up?" He looks up at Catherine, who smiles and nods her head in approval.
"Of course," he tells Lindsey, pushing himself up from his crouched position and accepting her tiny hand so she can lead him back to the bench where Catherine is sitting.
\\
The cell phone on his desk goes off, the constant vibrating causing his paperwork to rattle against his desk. The number is unfamiliar, but there's an unidentifiable force pushing at him to answer it anyway. He accepts the call and brings the phone to his ear.
"Grissom," he answers.
"Mr. Grissom. I'm glad we were able to get a hold of you. My name is Allison Vaughn. I'm calling on behalf of Lindsey Willows." He's almost positive he's stopped breathing for a second from constant worry that something's happened to her. "We weren't able to get a hold of her mother."
"What's the problem," he asks, managing to calm his breathing and his beating heart. He's already stood from his desk, searching for his car keys and jacket. He knows Catherine and Nick are out at a crime scene, probably too engrossed in her work to notice her phone vibrating in her vest.
"Lindsey was involved in a fight with some other girls today. We've got her here in the office if you or Ms. Willows can come to pick her up. As of right now, she's suspended for three full school days, but she'll be able to return Friday."
"I'll ugh…" He's walking out of his office with the phone still glued to his ear. "I'll be there as soon as I can," he says into the phone, thanking her, and hanging up. He slips his jacket on just as Sara comes out into the hallway.
"Grissom, I-" He holds up a hand to cut her off as he begins his journey to the parking garage.
"Can't talk right now."
The drive to her high school only takes a few minutes. He's wandering around the hallway, searching for the front office where he would find Lindsey waiting. He stops a passing teacher who points him further down the hallway. When he walks in, she's sitting directly to his left with arms folded across her chest.
The lady behind the desk straightens up as he points to Lindsey.
"I'm here for her," he says as Lindsey reaches down for her book bag, slinging it over her shoulder in a manner that lets Gil know she's still quite angry about something. "Thank you," he calls out to the staff in the office and leads her out into the hallway. They walk in silence to his SUV and she climbs into the front seat without a word.
He starts the engine and the warm heated air fills the Denali once more. He settles into his seat, content with sitting there in silence until she's ready to talk about it. She was very much like her mother in that sense, always keeping her thoughts to herself until they all surfaced at once and they came pouring out of her mouth like a waterfall with no end in sight.
But after a few moments, when she still wasn't talking, he summoned up the courage to speak first.
"Would you like to talk about it," he softly asks her. "I know I'm not your mother, but… I'm here and I'll listen… if you let me," he explains, watching her carefully.
"I'm glad you're here," she said, wiping the stray tears away from her cheeks.
"Okay," he accepts it. It's a start. "So… why am I here?" She sucks in a deep breath and pushes it all out at once. She doesn't look hurt. There's not a piece of hair out of place and it makes him think that either there was no fight or that the other girl must look a lot worse.
"There's a girl in my class who found out mom used to be a stripper." The words come out slow and steady. He can tell she's having trouble keeping her emotions in check, so he simply waits for her to start again. "She's been going around school and telling everyone that mom is a whore and a home-wrecker." High school was such a long time ago for him, but it was all familiar to him. Teenagers were ruthless and mean.
"Lindsey… your mother is neither one of those things."
"I know that but they don't." She's turned in the seat now, facing him with her legs pulled up underneath her as she tries to stay warm. "I'm sorry. I know what mom would say if she were here right now. She'd put on this brave face and lecture me on how 'Violence is never the answer'," she does her best Catherine impression and it earns her a grin from Gil when it's spot on. "I just… I know how hard she works… for me to have a good life and I just can't stand by and do nothing when someone who doesn't even know her ruins her with a few words."
"That's all they are, Lindsey. Words. They don't mean anything unless you want them to."
It's still early in the morning and he knows as soon as Catherine and Nick are done processing the scene that they'll be back at the lab and handing off the case to the next shift. So he puts the Denali in 'drive' and pulls out of the parking lot. Lindsey's a lot more talkative now that she's confessed to her troubles. He can't remember the last time he had talked to her but it's effortless and they seem to pick up right where they had left off.
She groans as he pulls into the lab's parking garage and spots her mother's car instantly.
"She has to find out one way or another."
"You tell her, then. She never stays mad at you for more than a minute." They both get out of the SUV together and she rounds the front of the car to walk by his side.
"We'll tell her together," he offers and she nods her head in acceptance. They head straight for his office and there's a small moment of pride that courses through him as the by standers in the lab look on him and Lindsey heading for his office. She goes in first, heading behind his desk to get a closer look at his creatures. She scans the back shelf and then stops when something familiar comes into view. All of a sudden, she's reaching for the old piece of construction paper that's got hand-drawn bugs and butterflies everywhere with three little stick figures that were supposed to represent herself, her mother, and Gil.
"You kept this?" He's settled in one of the chairs in front of his desk as she continues to snoop around his office. "This is from like…"
"When you were in the second grade," he recalls aloud for her to hear. She takes her eyes off of the drawing for a second to look at him and smiles. Her eyes go back to the poorly drawn picture and she almost laughs at how it looks nothing like the three of them, save for the fact that her mother has blonde stringy hair and Gil has glasses.
There's a realization that comes to her as she stands in the middle of his office, holding one of his treasured keep-sakes from when she was just a little girl. It hits her hard and her expression changes almost instantly as she places the picture back behind his desk.
"You were so good to us," she says. It catches him off guard and he looks up from where he's sitting to meet her blue eyes. If he didn't know any better, it was Catherine's clone standing in front of him. Off in the distance, past his open door and down the hallway, she meets eyes with a certain brunette CSI as she crosses the walkway to get to the break room. They share a glance and Lindsey knows it's just jealousy coming from the older woman. She focuses back on the man in front of her. "I remember all those nights mom would sweep me from my bed when she and dad had been fighting." He's quiet now, staring down at his hands in his lap. "She doesn't think I remember, but I do. It was you all this time."
"Lindsey-"
"Why didn't you fight for us?" She's upset now and it breaks his heart that he's the one who's caused this. He had never meant to get as close to the Willows women as he had did over the past twenty years, but it had happened and there was no going back. The mood has turned on a dime and he's not sure what's caused her to become so upset. Was this all because of a silly picture he had kept? There's not much time to answer her and he opens his mouth to explain his reasoning; that he was always afraid of getting too close to her mother and having her not share his feelings, because as soon as he does, Catherine's voice cuts him off.
"Would anyone like to explain to me what's going on?" Her hands are on her hips and she's searching both of their faces for an answer. Lindsey's hands are resting on top of Gil's desk as she lowers her head, ready to face her punishment once Gil explains why she's in the lab.
"Lindsey here wasn't feeling too good at school." Her head snaps up and her eyes lock with Gil's. "They tried you first, but you didn't answer so they… called me to pick her up," he finishes slowly, giving Lindsey a small wink from where he sat.
\\
She's staring at the front door as her mother spins around her, fixing her curled blonde hair and straightening the graduation cap on her head. She's been waiting on Gil to walk through the door all morning, with that smug look on his face for being so late and an apology on his lips as he'd reach for her mother first to kiss her hello and then over to her, where he'd give her a hug and whisper into her ear that he was sorry he was late.
But it never happened.
"He's coming," Catherine said for the tenth time that morning. "He'll show up."
"Call him again," she begs her mother, fearing that he's lost track of time and buried under paperwork like always. "Make sure he knows how to get there. By the time he leaves the office, we'll already be there. What if they don't let him in because it's too late?" When she looks over at her mother and realizes she's not calling him, she begins to ramble. All it takes is Catherine placing both of her hands on her daughter's arms for her to stop talking.
"Lindsey." She looks at her mother, desperation written all over her face. "He promised you he would be there. He's going to be there. Stop. Worrying."
It's a beautiful Saturday morning as she heads out of the house with her mother, who's dressed in a simple summer dress and wedges that give her an extra three inches of height. Underneath her dark purple graduation gown is a tight black dress that she had bought weeks ago. On her feet are black and white converse that she had refused to change out of, no matter "how silly they made her look", according to her mother. She had retaliated back with "Dad would tell me to wear whatever makes me comfortable" and for a moment, Catherine had stopped.
It had been the first time since her and Gil had gotten married that Lindsey had finally stopped calling him Gil and instead, Dad.
Lindsey had rationalized it all in her head. Eddie had been her real father, the one to help bring her into this world and she loved him with all of her heart. There were times she would never forget, being with him and laughing with him. But there were times with him that she should have never had to experience and that was when she realized a true father wouldn't strike fear into his child. Gil had been there ever since day one and was more of a father figure than Eddie ever was. She always felt safe and loved whenever he was around. It was up to her who she'd feature in her graduation slide as her parents that would be projected for the whole gym to see, and it only made sense to have her mother and Gil listed. She only hoped they would feel the same way.
"He'd be very proud of you," Catherine whispered once they were settled in the car. She reached over the center console and grabbed her daughter's hand, giving it a little squeeze.
"I know," she whispers back, reluctantly letting her mother draw her hand back so she could start the engine and drive them off to her graduation.
Her high school gym seemed ever bigger with all the bleachers pushed back against the walls and the floor lined with rows of metal chairs for all the graduates. She could see a few of her friends leaving the gym to gather in the hallways of the school, away from their families.
More and more people filled the gym, but when she didn't see Gil in the crowd, she turned to her mother one last time before decided to leave for her friends.
"Call him," she begged again.
"I will. Now go on before you're late," she pointed to the group of friends who were calling her over from across the gym, but before leaving, she wraps her arms around her mother's neck.
"Thank you." It catches her by surprise, but she hugs her daughter and holds the tears back.
"You're welcome, sweetheart."
And as soon as she disappears behind the gym's big, wooden double doors, he slides in next to Catherine on the wooden bleachers with a large bouquet of flowers in his hands. She slaps him on the arm.
"You nearly gave her a heart attack," she complains. "She didn't think you'd make it!"
"I'm here now. Traffic was crazy."
"Don't tell me. Tell her." He smiles and gently places the flowers down beside him in an empty spot. He leans in for a quick kiss just before the lights dim down and the graduates start making their way into the gym.
"Ah… there." He points her out in the line and when she sees him from across the gym, both Gil and Catherine laugh as she nearly jumps up in the air to wave back at her parents.
The ceremony goes by rather quickly, with Lindsey graduating third in her class. The school has a projector set up somewhere near the front of the stage that shows a picture of the graduate along with their full names and at the bottom of the picture, names of the parents. So when it was her turn, the guidance counselor reads off the paper and into the microphone.
"Lindsey Michelle Willows. Daughter of Catherine and Gilbert Grissom." The gym bursts into applause from her friends, to her teachers, other parents who have gotten to know Lindsey from their own children, and then Gil and Catherine.
It takes them a second to process the information and before they know it, she's walking across the stage and accepting the diploma her principal is holding. She shakes his hand, poses for a picture with him, and then continues to walk off the stage. It only takes a minute or so, but it's the proudest moment of his life as he watches the little girl he had once held in his arms seventeen years ago walk across that stage with her diploma in her hand.
\\
Catherine Grissom sits back at the dimly lit table with a glass of wine in her hands as she watches her husband stand from the table to meet their daughter in the middle of the dance floor. There's a soft song that floats down from the speakers and her white wedding dress twirls as she spins around to meet him, her arms open wide for a hug first before they start dancing.
In all you'll see
What was it that came down on me that night
A conjuring, I held on to that moment
And lie just to make it alive
Catherine watches as they join hands, Lindsey's free hand coming to rest up on shoulder. She's beaming with happiness as he whispers something into her ear and it shoots Catherine directly in the heart. It's an odd song, she'll give them that, but it fits them so perfectly more than anyone will know.
I stood out there in the covering
In the baskings of a holy night
And I was lucid and conscious
And hovering like a firefly
My mind stretched out on the canopy
It put its arms out slow
And I heard the whispers of silence floating down from the radio
They continue to dance to the slow song and it's in that moment she's never felt more love for the two of them. It's a sweet moment that the photographer has successfully captured. Everyone around Catherine leans in every now and again to compliment her on what a beautiful family she has and all she can do is smile and nod. She laughs when the music picks up. It's not a sappy slow song like Gil had feared and he's dancing just fine, swaying around the dance floor with her laughing in his arms.
So come on, come on I'm ready now
I got the feeling, honey, like I'm ready to roll
You see I'm not gonna wait till the end of me
'Cause I got the burning fire in the bed of my soul
A/N: So... there it is! I tried to go in order with the events I thought were the most important. I loved writing this! I hope you guys like it! Let me know if you guys would like more or something similar! :) Sorry for the grammar mistakes, again! Review please! MAKE ME HAPPY! :D