HOW TO ROB YOUR BANK

You Don't Work, You Don't Eat

(1/4)

It was a dusty afternoon, the sort that made one want to lie around with a glass of lemonade and only think about doing something worthwhile with life. Even the mosquitoes refused to flex their wings and hopped around halfheartedly in the heat.

Inside the New Berk City Times newspaper office, the mugginess was worse. The old windows (which were in dire need of a case of caulk or replaced altogether) did more to invite the hot air in than to keep it out as the ancient air conditioning unit had finally quit.

The employees and owners of the New Berk City Times were all feeling the heat. Hiccup Haddock, both handyman and editor to the Times, was currently under the air conditioner, attempting to fix it. Fishlegs Ingerman was working at the printing press, although not as many copies were being pumped out as would be on a normal day. The reporters (and also twins) Ruffnut and Tuffnut Thorsen were out getting scoops and delivering papers. It was only eleven in the morning, and they had already called ten times to complain about the heat.

The only person who was getting any work done was Astrid Hofferson, the newspaper's bookkeeper and sales representative. She was currently towering over Snotlout, the sixth member of their entourage and co-editor, who had his feet propped up on his desk and was snoring like a chainsaw.

"Ahem," Astrid cleared her throat, half crossing her arms and twirling the end of her blonde braid between her fingers. She eyed him expectantly.

Snotlout didn't stir. A bit of his black hair had found its way to the corner of his mouth, where a dribble of drool was slowly sliding down his cheek. Astrid wrinkled her nose in disgust. A fly had somehow found its way into his mouth. Every time he inhaled, the insect got sucked into his mouth, and every time he exhaled, it got pushed out.

Astrid watched this for several repetitions before clapping in front of Snotlout's face on one of the outs, effectively ending the life of the poor fly. The action did nothing to awaken Snotlout however, and he continued to snore, oblivious to the impending danger to his health.

"SNOTLOUT!" Astrid finally roared, stomping her foot to the ground and making the wood timbers of the building shake. The printing press in the backroom ceased and Fishlegs poked his head out.

"Everything all right?" the giant asked anxiously.

"Just fine," Hiccup assured him from under the air conditioning unit. "Astrid's just trying to wake the dead."

"Oh." Fishlegs closed the door and the clamor of the press resumed.

The air conditioning gave a bang, stalled for a few seconds like it was deciding whether or not it was worth running, but eventually roared to a start. Hiccup crawled out from under the beast and gave it a slap. "Knew the thing still had life in it."

"Snotlout isn't going to have a life if he doesn't get to work," Astrid said with the sweetness of an adder. "He's your cousin. Surely you know how to wake him up." The hidden message: Wake him up or else!

Hiccup ran a hand across his forehead to get the red plastered hair back to its normal position. "You're not supposed to wake up a sleeping bear," he remarked, unbuttoning the sleeves of his plaid shirt and rolling them up. How he could tolerate a flannel shirt, jeans, and hiking boots in summer, Astrid would never know.

"How about dealing with an awake tiger?" Astrid inquired coolly, crossing her arms and glaring at him.

"Fine. But I am not liable for what happens next," Hiccup warned, picking up a mega-sized hiker's water bottle from his desk. He marched over and dumped its contents on Snotlout. Snotlout jerked awake and toppled out of his chair, water dripping off his nose and t-shirt.

"What's wrong?" he asked, now fully awake. He felt his clothes and frowned. "Hiccup?"

"Not bad," Astrid praised Hiccup. She hadn't known he had it in him.

"Thanks."

Astrid turned to Snotlout. "It wasn't him, it was me."

"He and I," Hiccup corrected.

"Yes?" Astrid raised an eyebrow at Hiccup.

"You're supposed to say 'It wasn't he, it was I' because the pronouns are in the nominative case," Hiccup informed her, ever the editor.

"It doesn't matter!" Astrid huffed. "Everybody says 'him' and 'me'. Quit being the grammar police. Not everyone memorizes an entire grammar book by the time they're seven, like you!"

"It does too matter!" Hiccup protested. "What if a doctor was about to perform surgery on you and used ain't and mispronounced words all over the place? Would you want him cutting into your skin?"

"I'm not having surgery!"

"Would you two knock it off?" Snotlout complained, flapping his soaking t-shirt. "I'm getting a headache here."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Is working too much for your constitution?" Astrid snapped, irked. "You've done nothing but sleep all day, Snotlout." She had seen sloths who slept less than he did.

"I happen to need my beauty sleep!" Snotlout turned a fan on his desk to high speed. The wind current sent papers flying all over the room.

Hiccup snickered. "What beauty? Nice hair, cousin."

Snotlout glanced at one of his desktop mirror and quickly pulled the bit of hair out of the corner of his mouth. He took a comb out of his pencil jar and began combing his hair.

Astrid snatched the comb out of his hand and threw it against the wall, narrowly missing the built in fish tank. Hiccup was a bit of an outdoors person, so he had installed the fish tank and a lot of potted plants to keep himself from going stir crazy.

"Snotlout, you have been a stinker all week!" Astrid declared, snapping off his fan. "A knucklehead, a moron, a...a...Hiccup, help me out here."

"A gold bar," Hiccup suggested from his desk, red pen in hand as he went over an article.

Astrid seized the words. "A gold bar! You don't deserve this week's pay!"

"You can't not pay me!" Snotlout yelled. "It's in my contract!"

"YEAH?" Astrid roared, anger steadily rising. "Well, I can sure-"

"Make him work outside," Hiccup interrupted before Astrid could go on a tirade. "Send him out to do field work."

"What'd you say?" Astrid and Snotlout asked, their heads swiveling towards him in unison.

"Field work," Hiccup repeated, putting down his pen to clean his glasses, which had fogged up with the sudden burst of cool air from the air conditioner. "Make him go out like the twins do and find something to write about."

Astrid chewed on her bottom lip, considering it for a second. "It's not a bad idea," she decided. "Snotlout, as of now, I am kicking you out of the office."

"Out?!" Snotlout exclaimed. "You can't do that! The owner of this joint just happens to be my cousin!"

"Very well, then." Hiccup stood up. "Snotlout, as of now, I am kicking you out of the office."

"But I'm your own flesh and blood!" Snotlout whined. "Take pity on a poor millennial."

Taking Snotlout by surprise, Hiccup grabbed Snotlout by the collar and yanked him towards the door. Snotlout, recovering his wits, tried to dig his heels into the ground and use his muscles to his advantage. That didn't go well. A couple of years ago, Hiccup had lost his left leg in a car accident and now sported a metal prosthetic. Hiccup brought that foot, clad in the steel-toed hiking boots he liked to wear, up and pushed Snotlout's backside towards the door.

Snotlout howled in pain and quit resisting. Hiccup opened the antique front door to the building and shoved Snotlout the rest of the way out, throwing a pad of paper and a pencil after him.

"Don't come back until you have something front page worthy," Hiccup told him, and then slammed the door with the finality of a judge's gavel.

Astrid gaped at Hiccup in shock, the only sound in the room being the printing press and the water filter on the fish tank. Hiccup didn't usually take the initiative with his cousin and Astrid was the one who made sure Snotlout was in line, so this was a surprise.

Hiccup shrugged self-consciously. "He was getting on my nerves."

"Snotlout's always getting on your nerves," Astrid pointed out. "What's new?"

Hiccup sighed and plopped down at his desk again. "Why did we hire the twins again? They can't tell the difference between a comparative adjective and a superlative adjective."

Astrid peeked out a window through dusty plastic blinds. Snotlout was just sitting in his car, doing nothing.

"Do you think he'll come back with something print worthy?" she asked, sitting back down to her own work of sorting out bills.

"Tuffnut? Never."

"No. I meant Snotlout."

"Oh. I don't know. We'll see, if he comes back."

A/N: This fanfiction was inspired by a television show, especially the "gold brick" quote. As it is obscure, I don't expect anyone to get it, but give it your best shot. Clue: it branched off of the Andy Griffith show. The fly incident actually happened to my great-grandmother. Thanks for reading this!

Rider