It's been nearly three years now. Four if you add up bits and pieces of the first. I feel foolish writing this down. Writing to someone who will never read this. Writing to someone who doesn't…exist. Anymore…that's how I keep my sanity, Anakin. I tell myself over and over again, that you were real. That once, you were real, you weren't always like that. You weren't like this all along. In all fairness, I am not myself either anymore. I'm living and breathing, I hear now your trapped, they say that you're a monster. Trapped inside blackness and twisted metal. So am I, Anakin. I am trapped in there with you. She is gone forever. Did you see her as you clawed your way through agony? Did you remember her? Because she was there with you, burning, suffering, withering into dust and scarred flesh.
You're everywhere now. You always wanted that. I hear them tremble as they breath your name through the shadows. Always in bad news, and fear. Maybe you always wanted that too. Even here as I cover myself and catch my breath at every sound, step, movement. I live for her now. It's her birthday today, Anakin. She is four. Do you ever wonder about her? She is impulsive, stubborn, and unbelievably curious. She is my whole world now. They used to be suspicious of me, I think they were afraid I'd try to contact you. Now they just watch and look over from what they want me to believe is time to time but I know better. I know it's always. They are waiting for you to find us, it is their biggest fear…I think it's supposed to be mine too.
She is all I have of you now. All I have left. In some ways, it's killing me. Your killing me. I guess that's what I deserve, right? For giving in, indulging in every wrong. Because when it came down to it, everything I worked my entire life for was destroyed, by you. Which, in all fairness, only became possible because all else Anakin, I believed in you. You were my weakness, my drug, and now my death.
I brush and begin to braid my hair. She watches, sitting cross legged on the floor enamored. She mimics in her own tangle of brown curls and I can't help but smile. She sits against the wall and gets frustrated by mid-braid and lets out an exasperated sigh. Impatient, stubborn as always. In this way, I know she is like you.
Du'ran keepa maliek, keepie anile?
Looking down from the mirror I speak softly to her. Today we speak your native tongue. Usually we speak mine, or basic. But today it's yours. She knows them all because I teach them, in a way I don't admit it's because it's something you might have done, it's something you might have done for her. With her.
Do you want to go swimming little angel?
"Keepa lah, Mama!"
I take her down to the water. She splashes in the sunlight wearing her white undergarments and her half braided hair. I take off my clothes, and wade in after her. The mountains all around, she laughs and plays in the water. Watching her in the mid-afternoon light I don't take my eyes off her for a second.
"Combe plais strayma…"
I call to her, after her, "Don't go too far.."
She is the only thing I'm living for. Her and you. Because after everything, I find myself looking for you in her, and I find it all too easily.
The night is falling in on us, and I tuck her gently into bed. I clean up the loft as I slip into my night gown. The little light in the cabin is starting to fade as I try to light a few more candles. It can never be too bright though, they say it's easier to spot us that way. She is stirring in our bed. And I crawl in to cuddle against her. Her soft breathing and innocence catches me like it always does. Out of everything, she came. I think of the child I will never know. He is one that is always on my mind, always. But I try not to think too much, I try to give everything I have to her now. I touch her face and she doesn't stir. I still imagine sometimes, in foolish fantasies of you and me, and her and him, together against a lake. Faceless memories that will never be. Us together, making love in stolen mornings or late at night while they sleep. I think of you holding me still, sometimes as I hold her tight. I think of how you used to hold me. I have no one to hold onto me, anymore.
The moon is half and dark tonight, and I slip into my dark robes to check the outside. Make sure nothing is outside. It's what I always do now, what they advise me. There is nothing tonight as I check the outside grounds, just forest, mountains and river glowing navy in the crescent shaped moon. I come inside to blow out the candles, and to sleep fitfully. I don't sleep much anymore. Every time I close my eyes, it's always the same. It's hard to admit; I can't be alone with myself anymore, myself and anymore, myself. It's what I used to relish in. What made me powerful, successful, and promising. Something moves in the bushes and I catch my breath. I am willing to kill now, kill now to protect what you gave me. I lurk near the door, grabbing the blaster I keep at my belt.
"Padme! For gods sake, it's only me, put that thing down!"
Bail laughs nervously; I put my hood down and tighten my robe over my nightgown.
"I'm sorry, I thought you were…one of them."
"Gods, no. Is she asleep?"
Bail often comes to visit her. She is very close with him, I trust him. I trust him with her. He loves her in a way I think you would've. You would've loved her though in that intense way of yours. But I can't think further into it. It isn't something I allow myself to.
"Yes, I'm sorry she fell asleep a little while ago, we were in the river today, she played all afternoon."
He laughed, and comes closer. "Ohh Leia loves the water. She is so fascinated with it. With all the rain we've had, they say it will be raise dangerously high soon. But you must be careful Padme, I can't bear the thought of anything happening to you two."
He is moving closer and I look away. The candle flickers and he is inches from my face. I am still looking away.
He grabs my wrist, lightly. Then harder. He breathes in my hair and closes his eyes.
I try to move away.
"Padme, aren't you lonely? Aren't you…starved? A woman like you…you are so, beautiful. You deserve to be loved, you deserved to be touched." He is pressing himself against me now, and I am trying to get away. I break free of his grasp and walk away looking in the other direction. I want him to go. I want him to be gone when I turn. He talks to my back.
"It's been years Padme, he isn't coming back. Have you seen him now? He is a monster. You can't possibly believe…" He is lost for words for a second. He is blatantly embarrassed, and hurt. I wonder if his wife and him ever loved in the way we did.
"You'll be lonely Padme, you can't live off memories forever, he is gone, face it! You'll see Padme." He walks away. And I am alone again in the dark. I am crying. Because the truth is, I am all the things he said. I am starved, I am alone, I am craving foolishly for something I will never have again. I can't be with another man, I know because there was you, there will only ever be you.
She sees me crying sometimes. I'll be doing something like washing dishes, or making the bed. I'll get a look, but the truth is, I only ever cry at night. She sleeps to it sometimes. I never cry openly in front of her, but I know she can hear it sometimes. As we lay in the loft with the quilts on us, she will be laying beside me and she will hear it then. She will hear the soft weeping sounds. Because sometimes in the dark, it is still all too much. As much as time has erased some memories, I still see your face.
The river is usually shallow. Shallow enough for her to play in. That night we lay in bed. She is asleep, and I heard you destroyed Naboo today. I heard they ravaged towns, Theed burned. I know why you went there, you were looking, maybe not even consciously but you were looking for us, Anakin. I watch her sleep and touch her face gently.
"I love you." I say to her.
"I love you." I say to you.
I gather her into my arms and slip in my dark cloak. She doesn't stir as I carry her through the forest. I walk up the marble steps to the palace as dawn is breaking slightly.
I lurk inside, in the shadows and a handmaiden greets me.
"Milady…." She greets me. I put my finger to my lips and hand Leia to her. She knows, she knows this is bigger. She knows what I am doing and I know this is the choice I am making. I know this is the only was she can survive. For her, for me…for you.
Dawn is breaking in pinks now and I am running in the forest. They are behind me, dressed in white, but I won't let them find me. The river is high, just as Bail had warned. They must have been told not to shoot, maybe the black your tangled in would've wanted to see me again in flesh and whole. But I can't allow that, Anakin. I belong to you, and you alone. As I jump in it is cold. Cold like knives and I scream at first. They are trying to wade in after me. They are shooting now panicked, the water is too strong. I gasp and try to breathe but I can't, Anakin. I can't breathe now. You can't either. I am gasping and coughing, and clawing at the water. My body wants so badly to breathe, but I know this is for the best. I fall, and it's not so bad now, as I start to dizzy myself into the darkness. The answers to the questions I'll know soon, Anakin. I was destined to die for this. I was destined to die for you.