"I am counting on you, Haibara."
"I leave it to you, Haibara."
"Go with the kids and wait there, Haibara."
He always says that, he trusts me and believes that I am reliable person. Sometimes when he was not able to solve the case, like the one when we're invited by Suzuki Group's leader to protect his precious Kirin Horn and he was attacked by stun gun, or when Ayumi, Genta, Mitsuhiko and I were trapped in the house where there were 2 culprits, or when we exclude him, were trapped in the burning cabin, I was the one who solved the cases and saved the kids. But still, I actually don't feel that I am reliable person. I am coward. I am a woman who is hiding in the little girl body. I am scared. I can't feel my feet on the ground whenever I sense The Black Organization's presence. I want to hide and let the world ignore me. I don't want to make my surroundings in harm state. I remember the case in the mystery train, I almost got caught by Bourbon and Vermouth. If he didn't save me back then, i intended to go to the last lorry where they put bombs and let myself explode into bits. But then he saved me without telling me about his plan. I was upset back then, but I can't be more grateful. I want to express my gratitude to him and take shelter into his embrace. Of course I won't do that. I know how much he loves his lover. I know their story and it makes me understand that they already passed everything together since ages. There is enviousness in my heart. I have no one. My sister and my parents died. I have no relatives. I have no friends because I was forced to help Black Organization's research project since I was a teenage girl. He is my hero, I am not exaggerating my words. I remember how hopeless I was, wandering around Beika just to find his house. He was my only option. After shrank into little girl, the only thing in my mind to survive from my suffering is to find Shinichi Kudou. I've been observing him for this past 2 years living with him around. He is the most selfless person. I admire him.
"Nee-chan…" I am squeaking in my cry. I miss her so much, my only sister, Akemi.
In my room, in the dark, alone. I am laying on my bed hoping that I can shoo this sadness feeling away and sleep soundly. But then, the thought of being alone is freaking me out. I have no one to rely on. I have no shoulders to lay my head down. I have no one to tell me that everything is going to be alright. I am scared. I fake my appearance just to show everyone that I am tough. Actually I am torn inside. I need someone…
"Ai-chan…are you sleeping?" I hear Professor is calling me from outside. I remain silent.
He must be worried because I don't get dinner yet. Yes, he cares for me. I am grateful for that. But he's not someone who I can share my story with.
I hear someone open my door and close it again. It must be professor, trying to persuade me to get dinner.
"Haibara." It's Kudou.
"I know you're not sleeping."
I open my eyes and sit.
"Where is your manner? You should not enter girl's room." I say.
"I am sorry." He chuckles and puts his glasses on the table.
I look at him and realize how close his face is to mine now.
"Get out, I want to sleep."
"Isn't it tired?"
I look at him for the second time, what does he mean?
"Pretending for years."
Jeez, I don't think that I show my feeling off.
"You are a bad pretender, Haibara." He pats my head. I look at my palms, my vision is getting blurry.
"What do you mean?" I ask, still look at my palms and not blinking for second.
"You can tell that I am The Greatest Detective in Japan. I can deduce things including your feeling. You are pretty hard case." I can feel he smiles but I don't look up.
His hand on top my head is moving to my left shoulder. I look up to his face but I can't see anything since it's dark and tears is still hanging on my eyes.
"I am a scared, Kudou."
"I deduced that too and I am right. Look, I might not understand nor be able to promise anything, but I want you to know that we're on the same state, our lives are in danger. But you are stronger than me, everyone knows that. You stand on your feet alone but I've never seen your sadness tears."
I am still listening.
"But, sometimes you need to let it out for once. Pretending to be tough is okay, but I know you're tired. I am speaking like an adult now by the way…." He chuckles again. I smile a little.
"Kudou."
"Yes?"
"Can I borrow your shoulder for 5 minutes tonight?"
I blink.
"Of course." He says, and at the same time, my tear is falling.
"Thank you."