A Thousand Words
Summary: She had dared to hope…and now…now it was all gone…MS
Oooo Sango Oooo
Drooping, tired eyes. Slow, lethargic movements. Strained laughter. Forced smiles. Bowed heads. Pale, sickly skin. Sad and angered sighs. Mental vows of revenge. Another day. And our hearts keep beating, keep us alive. But, is that all that keeps us alive? Is there really some second half that keeps us fighting for another day, one minute with the ones we love? My tired, watery, heavy eyes glance at Miroku. A heavy sigh escaped my lips and I looked to the sky. No matter how we try, no matter how hard we fight, it seems our hopes are always dashed.
" Inuyasha," Kagome said, her voice pleading. Inuyasha's ears twitched, and finally, he turned around.
" Fine, we'll rest and stop. But only for an hour," We all nearly cried in joy. Even Inuyasha was tired. His little ears were drooping, and the hanyou had finally had enough. Kagome yawned, and settled by a tree. We all understood, we felt the pains of traveling as well. Sleep was needed before food.
We sat down weakly around the schoolgirl. Immediately, I felt the pull of sleep, and I shut my eyes, just for a second…
But second had turned into minutes, and minutes turned into hours, and before I knew it, midday had turned into dawn. I awoke and yawned, and felt alive. I looked around and saw the others awakening as well. My eyes softened as I gazed at Miroku's touseled appearance. I blushed at my train of thoughts and looked away. It was a new day and old hopes had been rekindled now that we felt we could do anything.
Kagome set about making a rather large breakfast, larger than normal, but our long, grueling pace of nonstop over five days deserved something special. Shippo passed out chopsticks and I handed out "napkins". I was surprised when I realized Miroku hadn't groped me all morning.
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We stumble in a tangled web,
Decaying friendships almost dead
And hide behind a mask of lies
We twist and turn and we avoid,
All hope of salvage now devoid
I see the truth inside your eyes
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I smiled softly to myself. Maybe he was trying to redeem, become a better, respectable monk. I snorted to myself. Unlikely. Even Kagome and Shippo had been forced to kill so many that it didn't matter how much we tried to redeem ourselves. We were just as bad as Naraku. I shook those thoughts away and sat down and semi-eagerly waited for breakfast. Kagome passed out bowls of soup, rice, and varieties of meats and vegetables. We indulged in her delightful cooking, and Miroku took it upon himself to compliment Kagome's food.
" Absolutely delightful, Kagome-sama. You never fail to amaze me with your cooking," Miroku smiled sagely. Kagome smiled back with a pink tint, and jealousy flashed through me like a great, black beast, clawing its way to the surface. I shoved it down with the will of the warrior I am and struggled to keep a neutral face.
" Ne, Miroku-sama, it's not that great. I just thought everyone would like a bigger breakfast after traveling for so long," Kagome clasped her hands before her happily. Inuyasha growled at Miroku slightly. Inuyasha was a dog hanyou. He is possesive over what is his, and Kagome is his. Shippo leapt to my shoulder.
" You're still tired, Sango?" I glanced at the fox kit and nodded.
" I am tired, Shippo, of everything," My own voice sounded faint and detached. It was then the group noticed my frothing emotions. But the one thing that cut me most was that while Kagome was trying to comfort me, Miroku merely looked on passively, looking like he didn't care at all.
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" Houshi-sama! Watch out!" I swung Hiraikotsu violently, taking out five youkai that were preparing to pounce on the weary monk. I caught the bone boomerang easily and continued fighting, my mind registering the fact that Miroku didn't thank me like he normally did. 'It's just a phase. He'll be back to his perverted self in no time.' I reassured myself. My stomach didn't agree.
A yelp of triumph alerted me to the fact that Kagome had gotten the shards wehad came for. I finished off the last of the youkai, also noting that Miroku didn't stay behind with me like usual. I frowned, and something pulled at my heartstrings a little more.
I trudged on to join the group of triumphant warriors when Miroku finally spoke to me.
" You did not need to help me. I did not ask for your help," Miroku said indifferently. I blinked away tears at his unusually cruel tone. He didn't even say my name like he normally did. And my heart broke a little more.
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So take all this noise into your brain
And send it back again
I'll bear the cost, shed my skin, call
You up and then...
I'll say the words out loud
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My head filled with the familiar static and my heart filled with jealousy as Miroku flirted with the village girls. I stalked up behind me, fury showing on my face, my fist raised.
" You perverted monk! Can't you do something productive instead of flirting with village girls all the time!" I exclaimed, sure that he would cower before my wrath. He always had before. Instead, he calmly turned around, but his own fury roared in his eyes.
" You have no right to tell me what I can't do. What I decide to do with my time is none of your business. Go away. I'm busy right now," Miroku's tone was colder than ice, and then, he turned and walked away with those girls. That's all they were. Girls. I'm a woman. He should love ME!
And as I watched the man I love walk away from me, a tear of sadness, jealousy, anger, and regret slid down my face. 'Perhaps I never should have gotten close to him…I knew he would bring me trouble…'
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Perhaps had turned to maybe, which went to should have to never should have even stayed with this group as Miroku's treatment of me became crueler and crueler. And my so called friends took no notice, let alone bothered tried to stop it. Only Kirara tried to comfort me, then and there, I decided she the only one I needed. But something deep inside my broken heart said I needed someone else, and that someone was Miroku.
I stared into the dancing flames, my eyes watering. One might have thought that it was from the heat of the fire. But Kirara knew better, and her soft paw patted my knee in understandning. I didn't want to be understood.
" I want to be loved…" I choked. Kirara mewed and rubbed against me. I sighed and reigned in my emotions. A jangle of rings on a familiar shakujo surprised me. I looked up, my throat constricted from my silent sobs. Miroku looked down at me in a disapproving manner.
" Come, I wish to speak to you alone. Hurry, I don't have all night," Miroku leaned on his staff impatiently and I stood, grabbing Hiraikotsu just in case.
Miroku led me out to the woods, never speaking a word. My heart pounded in my throat and I struggled to remain calm. I unconsciously checked my surroundings for youkai. The night pressed in all around me, the trees looming at me. I shivered involuntarily, a flash of relief traveling down my spine as we finally made it to our destination.
Miroku stood for awhile, looking at the full moon. Finally, he turned around, his violet eyes cold.
" Why do you insist on following me around like a lost puppy?" He spat. I flinched back, tears gathering in my eyes.
" M-Miroku…I love you…" I weakly reached out for him, but Miroku just stared at my hand in disgust.
" So?" My throat closed up, and I couldn't breathe anymore.
" M-Miroku…" The gathering tears began to fall. " So this means…you never loved me?"
" Of course not. You're too overbearing, too headstrong, too willful. Women aren't supposed to be warriors. They are supposed to be submissve, and do the house work and take care of the children," Miroku said as if it were obvious. And it was. But, this was just too much…
" You were leading me on?" The tears fell so much faster now.
" You were amusing while it lasted. I have no more needs for you anymore. Find someone else who will accept a wife that's willing to act like a man. I sure as hell won't. You're worthless," And with that, Miroku walked away, and my broken heart shattered.
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You could resurrect a thousand words
To deceive me more and more
A thousand words will give the
Reasons why I don't need you
Anymore
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I fell to my knees and sobbed into my arms. Used and discarded like trash. It was dawn until Kagome came and brought me back to camp.
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My heart clenched in pain as I was once again forced to faceoff with my undead brother. As I defended myself, Miroku's hateful words flashed back to me.
"You're worthless,"
I cried out as Kohaku's chain sickle sliced into my arm. 'Worthless…amusing…no more…worthless…' I let out a roar of anger and sadness and attacked my brother. 'No more…no more…' I had dared to hope that I could have a family again, that I could finally marry someone, and that someone would love and understand. Now…now it was all gone. 'All gone…' I cried tears of blood as I fought my brother off before slicing away at demons. And every minute I spent fighting, I could temporarily forget that my heart had been shattered. And I fought and I fought and more and more blood found its way on me. I fought until the blood had caked over my heart, and I couldn't feel anything anymore. It was then I realized I really was crying. I had long since abandoned Hiraikotsu amidst the battle. I finally stopped, the tip of my sword dragging slightly in the ground. My head was hung, and the tears washed away my sorrow. I didn't flinch as the sound of footsteps approached.
" Sango-chan?" My eyes flickered toward Kagome, but I turned away.
" I don't want pity. However, it will not go unappreciated. It will just mean that one more person cares for me. That's good I suppose," I flicked off the blood on my sword and sheathed it and began the search for Hiraikotsu amongst the corpses. I left my shattered heart on that battlefield, and I never returned to get it back.
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Was it so hard to love someone? All I want is someone who will be faithful to me only. Who will only love me. Who will only worship me. I mechanically cleaned, sharpened, and polished my sword and bone boomerang. Kirara was sleeping next to me, curled next to my thigh. 'I can't be that worthless if Kirara likes me.' This thought brought a very tiny smile to my face. A thousand words echoed inside my head.
Worthless.
Amusing.
Too willful.
Headstrong.
Lost puppy.
Worthless.
I screamed in frustration and heartbreak. It shouldn't be this hard. Never, ever, ever…
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Time manipulates your heart,
Preconceptions torn apart
Begin to doubt my state of mind
But I won't go down on what I said
I won't retract convictions read
I may perplex, but I'm not blind
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I clutched at my ebony locks, shaking my head furiously, tears falling. I had believed. I had placed my faith in him. I believe he would help me. I had hoped for so much. Miroku was supposed to be the guiding light, the way out of the dark pit of sadness and self-anger I had thrown myself into. Instead, he made it worse, much, much, worse.
Kirara licked my hand in an attempt to calm me. I sucked in a cool breath of air and wiped away my tears. He was clearly moving on. He didn't want me. Didn't need me. I didn't need him. I had made it thus far on my own, who said I needed him to continue my life. I looked at my callused hands. I laughed and cried at the same time.
" Oh Kami-sama…I love him and hate him so much…..I need and want him….but I don't want to be anywhere near him….I'm crazy…." I sobbed into my hands.
I slowly overcame my bout of hysteria and sniffled. I took a shuddering breath. If he had no qualms of moving on, neither did I. But somewhere, deep in the dark pits of my tainted heart, I loved Miroku, and I always would. And if he decided to come back, I would welcome him back. I would go mad without him. I already was mad.
" Sango-chan, you seem so sad lately. And you and Miroku-sama haven't been talking much. What's wrong?" Kagome kneeled beside me. I sniffed.
" Miroku used me. He hates me. He doesn't want me," I buried my head in my arms and felt Kagome hug me.
" It's okay, Sango-chan. Miroku-sama doesn't know what he's missing out on. You're a very caring person, and you can take care of yourself. Those are only two of the amazing qualities you posses. Don't beat yourself up over it," Kagome murmured. I sniffled, and my tears slowly dried. Yes, if he doesn't want me, then he'll just miss out. But why does my heart still ache. I haven't yet reached enlightenment, as Miroku would say. I burst into a fresh round of tears.
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It was an endless nightmare, going on and on forever, repeating like the spines of a ryuu youkai's tail. Over and over and over…
Everyday, we walked on and on, deceived and lied to, manipulated and tainted by death and blood. Torturing our sanity…
And my heart shattered again, day after day, one more time…
Everything was hopeless, a neverending pit of bleak darkness, continuing forever and ever and ever…I would never be loved, never have my brother back, never restore the village. Our legacy would not last because of a shattered heart…my shattered heart and a cruel, manipulative man hiding behind the face of a monk.
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So take all this noise into your brain
And send it back again
I'll bear the cost, shed my skin, call
You up and then...
I'll say the words out loud
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I suddenly felt a great, dark anger coursing through my veins. He had no right! He led me on, making me believe there was hope out there, then left me stranded in a hopeless pit of sadness and broken hearts. My dull brown eyes sparked with fury.
" Sango-chan, are you alright?" Kagome placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. I looked at her with weary eyes.
" He had no right," I rasped.
" Of course he didn't, Sango-chan. It takes time, just move on," Kagome smiled softly. Tears welled in my eyes.
" But I can't," I whispered. But the strange thing was, even though I couldn't move on, Miroku could. It was like I was never even there, that I was just another woman in his life. And something silently grew within me. A deep rooted hatred, something so small, just a tiny spark, that I never took notice. And with that hatred came vengeance, the thirst to return all the hell he had given me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
The rejection hurt me. Numbed me. Filled me with shock. But now it had faded away, leaving behind a burning hate. But I knew. Secretly, I knew, deep in my soul, that under all that hate, there was still longing and love for the violet eyed monk. And if he ever decided to return to me, or reciprocate my feelings, I would accept him wholeheartedly.
I couldn't have him too close to me, if I did, I might never move on.
….
….
That was a lie. Because I knew I could, would never move on from Miroku. He was the one man I decided to give myself to, and he rejected me. Denied loving me, even sharing friendship with me. His words, his voice sounded over and over in my head like a mantra, his eyes haunted my dreams. There was no escaping him.
" Sango-chan!" My eyes flashed to meet Kagome's.
" You're not okay, are you?" Kagome's concerned face was imprinted in my mind. There really was someone who cared. I burst into tears, sobbing with all my heart into the younger girl's arms, taking comfort in her warm embrace.
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You could resurrect a thousand words
To deceive me more and more
A thousand words will give the
Reasons why I don't need you
Anymore
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" Just cry. It's okay to cry," Kagome soothed.
" I…love…him..so much," I cried brokenly.
" I know Sango-chan. But, you don't need to waste away over him. There are others who truly care for you. Inuyasha, Shippo, Kirara, me…we all love you Sango-chan, and we don't want to see you leave us. We don't want you to go," Kagome smiled brightly at me. I gave a wavering, weak, watery smile back. It barely lasted two seconds. Kagome helped me up.
" C'mon Sango-chan. We have Shikon shards to collect and a journey to finish!" My eyes hardened and I nodded.
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I had found it was easier to run, to recede into the deep recesses of my mind when I wanted to escape the pain. When I wanted to escape Miroku. I felt so faint to the world. Dragging on, day after day. And still, one of the few things that registered in my brain…
He turned his back on me.
And everyday, I slowly began to fear Miroku. His scathing words, his disdainful glares. He made it a point to insult every little thing that I did. He just didn't care anymore. It was all so confusing. Frustrating. One day, he would totally ignore me, the next, he would insult me. It was beginning to drive me to insanity. I believe I already was insane.
" Why do you always make Kagome-sama make the meals, Sango-chan," The voice of my tormentor, my love, spoke. I finally screamed in anger. In sadness. In hate and love.
" I don't make her cook! She offers! Besides, it's not like you do anything around here either! I always collect the wood. Inuyasha hunts for us when we need it! And Kagome-chan cooks everything! What do you do? Shit! That's right! You do nothing!" I yelled, tears making their way down my face. All eyes turned to Miroku to see what he would do. Miroku shifted, and his furious eyes met mine. Slowly, fluidly, he stood to his full height, and stepped close to me. Our faces were inches apart. My labored breathing could be heard throughout the camp.
" Nothing?" Miroku whispered. My heart thudded in my ears. My neck hairs rised at the sense of impending danger. I itched to grab my weapons to defend myself, but I used my restraint to control myself. However, that restraint had been thin as of late.
" I am the one who makes sure we always have good places to sleep when it is availible. I give us luxuries you would otherwise only dream of having. I protect us and ward off youkai that would rip us all to shreds. And all you do is collect wood. So don't tell me I do nothing," Miroku's voice ended in a low hiss.
" The only way we get these so called luxuries is when you swindle those villagers! And what do you do to those demons? Purify them on sight? What if they are merely passerbys, innocents? Children!" I hardened my jaw.
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I'll say the words out loud
I'll say a thousand words or more…
Manipulation. Fabrication. Conversation. Annhilation.
I'll say a thousand words or more.
Damnation. Frustration. Elevation. Procreation.
I'll say a thousand words or more…
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" Always have to have the last word, don't you, Sango?" I mentally prepared to be hit, as his body language suggested such.
" Men don't like such headstrong women," Miroku whispered. With that, he turned and walked out of camp. Walked out on me. Away from me. And it was the worst thing he could have ever done. I fell to my knees and gave an ear piercing scream that echoed through the night, signaling my heartbreak, my surrender. I had lost everything that meant anything. I had completely lost Miroku.
" Sango-chan? Sango-chan, are you alright? Wake up Sango-chan!"
I laughed insanely. I was even hearing Miroku in my head, from my memories, as if he still cared…
" SANGO!"
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I sat up abruptly, eyes wide, tears coming down my face. Miroku peered concernedly into my face.
" Sango-chan, what's wrong?" I looked wildly at him, expecting him to berate me for being weak again. But it never happened, he only waited patiently with that calm, concerned, serene look.
" H-houshi-sama?" I asked uncertaintly.
" Hai?" Miroku smiled. It was sincere. I smiled in relief and hugged him before I started to sob.
" It was so horrible! Y-you, you said…" I trailed off, throat closed up by my tears.
" I said what?"
" That I was worthless, that no man would want me. That you hated me…" I whispered. Miroku pulled away.
" Sango-chan…I could never hate you. Not when I love you so much," Miroku held my hands gently.
" It was just a nightmare. You have nothing to worry about. You are not worthless. You are everything a man or demon could want. Everything I want," Miroku said softly. I smiled up at him.
" Just a nightmare," I murmured as I hugged him. This time, when I drifted off to sleep, I dreamed of many, many children, all of them demon slayers, perverted houshis, and a perfect mixture of Miroku and I. Just one action had held a thousand words.
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You could resurrect a thousand words
To deceive me more and more
A thousand words will give the
Reasons why I don't need you
Anymore
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The End
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Whew, this took forever. Hopefully, you'll like this. It was supposed to be a happily ever after tear jerker. Sorry about the confusing lines and what not, but, I imagine that this might be similar to how one might act after being rejected, or being told they were hated by the one they love. This is pretty much how I acted when someone very, very close to me died.