I Try
I try to say goodbye and I choke
Try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it
It's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
- Macy Gray
Summary: Everything was clear to the both of them…SM
Ooo Sango Ooo
" I tried."
Since the day I had met that semi-serious monk, my life had been thrown upside down. Fine, my life had been upside down before that, but he just made my previously perfect life even worse. He made me feel different. Before, I could never really describe how I felt, between all the yelling, the blushes, the smacking, and the shy glances. After talking to Kagome, I had figured it out. He made me feel…feminine. The way he spoke to me at times, the way he groped me, the bastard, the way his eyes roved my body without hesitation, without modesty, it made me feel like a woman. With him, I could be a woman and a warrior all at once, and there were no problems. I was allowed to blush and look away embarassedly, or bash him over the head with my Hiraikotsu. It didn't matter to him. I was never berated, either way, and it made me feel so much more free than I had ever felt before, even when I was flying atop Kirara or in a vicious battle with a youkai. It was as if I had finally been released from whatever prison I had been held in. And I loved the feeling of this newfound freedom.
We had fought several battles together, each harder and more difficult than the last. Well, some were pretty easy, but others were so much more harder, I had feared for not just my life, but his as well. I wasn't stupid. Without his staff and ofudas, Miroku didn't have too much for skills. Yes, he could fight with his fists, and he was quite flexible and quick if the situation called for it, but I could see the strain, the need to hold his weapons. At times, it made me want to sigh and shake my head in shame, or it gave me a sense of womanly power, knowing I could outfight him in a duel without weapons. But all that is besides the point. He was strong, I was strong. We fought together seamlessly, like we had been doing it all our lives. A perfect match…
So we weren't so perfect. I could see all the flaws. I always got angry, and demanded full attention, while he was always calm, always looking at the opposite sex. It downright pissed me off. But there wasn't much I could do about it. That was just the way he was, but I always wished he would only look at me like that. Although, he did have a special look reserved just for me, a look that seemed like a mix of everything. Lust and longing, love and need. And it was because all of this, because everything was coming together so well, that I tried to hide everything.
Everything was too perfect. I knew something would go wrong. And I was right. The monk I cherished so had a curse. A curse that would soon end his life. Especially with the way he used that Wind Tunnel of his. I had also surely thought that my brother would cause a problem. But the monk didn't appear to mind that my brother was currently dead but still walking amongst the living. Then, I met that snotty brat, Kuranosuke, once more. Except he wasn't quite as snotty as before.
At that point, I was becoming more sure of my feelings for that perverted monk, but then I met that lord, and he nearly ruined everything. It was as if my warrior spirit had been locked away in his presence. And the monk had acted so cold towards me. It broke my heart, and I tried to hide it. So I was stuck following Kuranosuke all day long, my head bowed. I was very glad when I was able to fight that bear spirit, and release my anger and frustration. And when I thought all was lost, the very same monk that I had thought had abandoned me had saved my life. It reminded me of my failure to hide everything. Because everything had crumbled without the cursed monk, and it was pieced together again. Once again, he had managed to flip my world upside down. My stomach also flipped, but that's besides the point.
Kuranosuke ended up bidding me goodbye, and I was free once more. Free to be myself, to be Sango. And I was walking away with my head held high. Afterall, everything was semi-normal once more. It was at this point, Kagome pointed out Miroku's broken umbrella. Offering her own strange umbrella from her time, we walked side by side, and everything was calm. Even when I had to smack him for his perversity, and stomp away, I was happy. We had managed to make it through a bump, and everything was perfect once more. And I could return to attempting to hide. Attempting to play off Miroku. It never would've worked out anyway.
We continued fighting together, continued bleeding together, continued through everything together. And still, we held strong. Nothing had given away, though at times, my masks had become weak, nearly broke. And then, everything did fall down.
I have a right to be angry when Miroku gets too lovey with the village girls, don't I? So of course, when he was flirting, I had stomped away. And had been captured by the salamander demons. I had been possessed, and I could no longer control myself. I could merely watch from the sidelines as my body committed crimes I could never forgive. Then, he appeared. He came to save me once more. Miroku and my body battled each other, all the while I was screaming on the inside, trying to will myself to stop. I was slicing him to pieces! I had even marred his face. At this moment, I cursed my strength and my taijiya training. And finally, with one earth shattering hit, I was free once more. Free to act on my own. Free to be Sango. It was then Miroku learned the reason of my possession.
It was later that day, that I realized all was for naught. All my hiding, all my pretenses, it was merely a thin mask for him. At first, at the beginning of his speech, my heart had been shot down. I had been choking, been stumbling away, tears falling, when he stopped me. When he told me, asked me. And everything had pieced itself together once more. That damnable monk had flipped my world around again, and I still didn't care. I found myself saying yes, crying in happiness. I would bear his children, I would live with him, I would be his wife.
And then later on, we were talking in real privacy, without Inuyasha, Shippo, and Kagome listening in on us. Miroku's hands clasped my own.
" Yes. You did try. And you failed. You were choking, stumbling, and everything was so clear, I wondered how I could've missed it," he replied, eyes soft. I smiled up at him shyly, a light blush painting my cheeks. He hugged me close, and I smiled in joy. Everything was so perfect now, I wondered how it could ever crumble. But that was for a later date. All that mattered was the man holding me close and my feelings, the ones that I had attempted to hide, for him.
" I tried."