(My response to the Plot Bunny insanity from Smartgroups. Usual disclaimer, condensed: I don't own Hogan's Heroes, I make no claims to historical accuracy, I'm not making any money off this thing and…apologies to Major Miller. LOL)
Is You Is Or Is You Ain't My Plot Bunny?
Six men were seated at the old wooden table in the middle of Barracks 2. At the head of the table was Colonel Robert Hogan, the senior POW officer. Surrounding him at the table were the members of his elite team. Newkirk, Kinch, LeBeau and Carter. And then there was the sixth man who was the odd man out at the moment. Hogan was speaking quietly, discussing the PBS (Plot Bunny Situation) with his men. Things were looking dire.
Behind them, the door to the barracks opened and Sergeant Shultz walked in. He hardly glanced at the men at the table at first and stepped up to the Colonel. "Colonel Hogan, the Kommandant--" Shultz now looked up at the men sitting at the table and he did a double take at the sixth man there. "Ah ah ah ah!! What is he doing here?!"
Major Glenn Miller looked at Shultz and smiled. "I'm from the other script."
"The other script?? You mean...?" Shultz paused trying to figure it out and finally just gave up and asked. "How did you get in here?"
Miller started to answer and then stopped, changing his mind. "I'd rather not say."
"Look, Shultz, we have a serious situation here. Very serious. So serious....that's why he's here."
"Situation? What kind of situation?"
"Plot bunnies."
Shultz raised an eyebrow. "Plot bunnies?"
"Yes, plot bunnies! And if we don't figure out how to get a handle on this situation this camp may end up being overrun with plot bunnies!"
"Oh!" Shultz exclaimed. "That would be terrible!"
"Yes, so go tell Klink I don't have time to talk to him right now."
"Ah ah, I will not! You will see the Kommandant at once! When the Kommandant asks to see you you will see him right away!"
"Shultz, what could be more dire than this plot bunny situation?" LeBeau asked.
Shultz looked at all of the heroes and Miller. "Because the Kommandant wants to see the Colonel right away to discuss---" The sergeant of the guard stopped his impassioned explanation and looked at Colonel Hogan. "Plot bunnies."
"No, Shultz that's our dire situation. What's Klink's dire situation?"
"Maybe he's got trouble with different kinds of bunnies if you...know what I mean." The RAF corporal grinned.
"You mean real bunnies?" Carter asked. "Gosh, if he's got more than one bunny running about this camp we'll have a slew of them before ya know it!"
Newkirk let out a very big sigh and rolled his eyes. The others at the table let out a collective groan.
"Never mind, Carter," Kinch said.
"What?" Carter asked.
"Awright, awright," Hogan said. "I'll go see Klink, Shultz." More or less to get away from this current conversation!
Shultz nodded and stepped aside to let the Colonel to the door. Shultz followed the senior POW officer out of the barracks.
Carter was still looking around at the others. "What different kinds of bunnies?"
............
"Hogan," Klink said as soon as the Colonel came into the office. "We have a very serious situation here at Stalag 13 that I must inform you of."
"The plot bunnies?"
Klink looked surprised. "Yes. How did you know?"
"We figured it out already when Major Miller showed up in the barracks."
"Major Miller is in the barracks?"
Hogan nodded.
"Well...we're really not in that other script are we?"
Hogan shook his head. "Not at the moment. It would appear that the powers that be have a little problem."
Klink was quiet for several minutes. Finally he said. "A little problem?"
"Yes. One of which is she's too easily distracted, thus your delay in response time. The second of which......" Hogan trailed off.
"The second of which is what?"
"I don't know. I had it figured out a minute ago." Hogan shrugged. "Anyway, we got this plot bunny situation right?"
"Right."
"Right. And...." Hogan trailed off again and, agitated, he looked toward the writer. "Will you pay attention please?!"
Sorry.
"Now, where was I? Oh yes, the plot bunny thing here..." Hogan looked at Klink. "The way I figure it we have to figure how get this thing under control. Otherwise, Stalag 13 will become a rabbit stew... I mean rabbit zoo."
Klink nodded. "Yes, yes... but how do we get it under control?"
Now it was Hogan's turn to be quiet for several minutes. "I don't know," he said finally. He glared at the writer again. "You think maybe this is why it takes you so long to finish scripts?!"
Oh hush! I'm doin' the best I can here ya know....
"You need to stay focused."
I'm trying!
"Okay, okay." Hogan looked at Klink. "I'll let you know what I come up with on dealing with this plot bunny situation."
"Make it quick, Hogan, otherwise if Burkhalter finds out what's going on here---" Klink stopped suddenly, and looked around. He then went over to the window and peered out. Then he went to the door of the office and opened it, looking out. He then closed the door and turned back to Hogan.
"What?" Hogan asked.
"I was just making sure that by saying the General's name he wouldn't show up unceremoniously."
Hogan nodded. "You saw that in the other plot bunny script eh?"
"Ja. As I was saying, Hogan, if he finds out what's going on here it'll be a one way ticket to the Russian front for me."
"Don't worry, Kommandant, if we don't get this thing under control soon it'll be a one way ticket to the Russian front for all of us."
..................
"In the Plot Bunny Mood."
"Plot Bunny Serenade."
"Plot Bunny Junction."
"Plot Bunny Six-Five Thousand."
"Plot Bunny Jump."
"Song of the Plot Bunny Boatmen."
"American Plot Bunny."
"Plot Bunny in Blue."
"Plot Bunnies Like You and Me."
"Plot Bunny Choo Choo."
"I've Got a Plot Bunny in Kalamazoo!"
The men of barracks two snickered and chuckled with each subsequent song title and finally fell apart into infectious laughter with the last one. Miller was both chuckling and shaking his head. "Okay, now do some of Goodman's tunes," he said.
Colonel Hogan came back into the barracks. "Well that was productive," he grumbled. "Klink doesn't know anymore about what's going on than we do."
"When has he ever?" Kinch said.
"Yeah," Cater piped up. "At least we're consistent. So far."
"So far," Hogan agreed. He looked toward the writer. "If you start putting plot inconsistencies in here I'm going AWOL!"
You fellas know me better than that!
"She's right, you know," Newkirk said. "She's a stickler for plot details and makes a point to explain when she's using a lesser excepted plot consistency."
"Like no tunnel access to the cooler," Carter said.
"And not having the Major stay in Klink's quarters, thus preventing us from using that tunnel too," Kinch added.
"And putting me in the story to begin with," Miller said.
Okay so I'm practicing a little alchemy with history....
Miller glanced upwards. "Christopher..."
That's my line. No...wait, actually that was Carol Landis' line...
"Awright, awright," Hogan said. "Let's get back on track here. We realized we had a problem when the Major here showed up, right?"
"Right."
"So, we just have to figure how to get the Major out of here."
"Sure," Newkirk said. "Simple."
Carter looked at Miller. "How did you get here anyway??"
Miller paused, looking from Carter to Hogan. Hogan gave a nod.
"Well, like this...." Miller held a hand up and snapped his fingers. The five heroes and Miller were no longer in the barracks and were now out in the yard of the camp. The change was so sudden that those who had been sitting at the wooden table, Carter and Newkirk were still in a sitting position and they fell to the ground.
"Blimey!" Newkirk exclaimed.
"Woah!" Carter added. The two looked at each other, looked around the compound and then looked at Miller. "Boy!" Carter continued. "That's amazin'!"
"No it's not," Hogan said. "It's that Old Black Magic."
"Well, listen," Newkirk said, standing up and brushing himself off, "why don't you do yourself a favor and weald some of that ol' black magic and get yourself right out of this madness." He extended a hand to Carter and helped the sergeant to stand up.
"Only take us with you!" LeBeau pleaded.
"I don't think I can do that," Miller said. "I think that was only good for one shot. It's up to her as whether I can pull that trick again." He pointed toward the writer.
LeBeau looked to the writer. "Mon cheri, s'il vous plait, cette folie doit s'arreter...."
Je fais le meilleur que je peux...
"Le meilleur vous pouvez pour la folie?"
Non, le meilleur je bidon pour l'arreter!
"I didn't know she spoke French," Carter said.
"She doesn't," LeBeau said. "She uses a translator and it's terrible!"
"Mindestens sie hat mich nicht sprechender fließender Deautscher," Miller said.
Hogan and others stared at the Major. Miller looked surprised too. "What the heck did I just say??" he asked.
"You said, 'at least she doesn't have me speaking fluent German'," Hogan said.
"Sohn einer Gewehr." Miller shook his head. "I mean son of a gun." He looked at the writer. "Stop that!"
"Trying snapping your fingers again, maybe she'll let you out this time," Carter suggested.
Miller snapped his fingers. Nothing happened.
"Well that was fun while it lasted..." he said. Behind him and the heroes, the gates to the camp opened and a black staff car came through. The men all turned to watch the car and half expected Major Hochstetter to jump out. Instead it was a young woman in jeans and t-shirt with a pony tail. She jogged over to the men.
"Okay, fellas, we gotta git this thing under control so we can get back to work on Sustaining the Wings. I'd like to finish that story this year if possible." The girl paused and the color drained from her face. "Oh Christopher, I just committed Mary-Sueism..." She looked at Miller and pointed to the staff car. "Git!"
Miller offered a salute to Hogan and the heroes. "See you in the other script." He walked quickly toward the staff car, the young woman behind him sputtering. "If anybody sees this, I'll be finished! Kaput!..." The Major disappeared into the car, followed by the girl. The staff car then pulled forward, swung around and sped out of the compound, kicking up dust as went. The gate closed.
Hogan and his men were all watching. "That girl's crazy," Kinch concluded.
"Yeah," Hogan said and crossed his arms over his chest. He grinned. "But I like her."