Treasure Island Screwed
Jim Hawkins sat at the Admiral Benbow picking his nose. He looked out the window and wished he could be a pirate. Then, all of a sudden, it started to rain and Jim began to cry because he was really stupid and he was afraid of the rain. "Mommy!" he cried, "the rain is gonna get me!"
"Shove it Jim!" yelled his mother from the bar. All of a sudden, this really ugly old guy walked in the door.
"I'm the captain!" he yelled, as he limped into the inn. Everyone in the lobby stared at him and then began to laugh. They sneered and pointed until he beat one of them to death with his cane. "I'm the freaking captain!" he called again.
"Who wants to hear of old stories about pirates!" the so called captain exclaimed, raising his hands up in the air. Everyone was silent. "WELL I DON'T CARE WHAT YE SAY, BY THUNDER! I AM THE CRAZY CAPTAIN Billy BONES. Do ye say aye? SAY AYE!"
A chorus of people replied with a hesitant, "Aye?"
Billy Bones—make that "Captain" Billy Bones—began, "Well, there once was a pirate named Captain Flint—"
Suddenly, Jim's father—The Masta of THE House, Mr. Hawkins—appeared, "I want NO SPEAKING OF THE FLINT."
Billy Bones raised an eyebrow. "I know not of this LINT you speak of. By thunder, the human race, say I, is getting dumber."
Jim's father drew himself up and took a deep breath. "YOU ARE A HUMAN!"
Billy Bones snorted. "No I'm not, you fool, I'm a PIRATE."
"Pirates ARE humans you imbecile!" Jim's father shouted.
"BY THUNDER, no they are NOT! Why are they called pirates if they're humans!"
"Because pirates are a type of human!"
"NO THEY'RE NOT, BY THUNDER! THEY'RE PIRATES! PIRATES ARE NOT HUMANS!" Billy Bones screamed, standing up. He threw his bottle of rum at Jim's father, but he was so stupid, and his aim was so bad, he managed to throw it at the door, which was in the opposite direction of Jim's father. As it sailed toward the door, the door opened, and the bottle of rum hit Black Dog, who had just opened the door. He screamed and fell over.
Jim yelped, jumping up and running in circles. "AAAAAHHHHHH! DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR OR THE HEIMLIC MANUEVER!" he screamed. "HELP!" He then fell over and started having spasms.
Everyone in the inn stared at Jim blankly.
Billy Bones stood up and ran over to Jim. "I'll save you, human!" he cried. Bones was so stupid, that he tripped over a chair and landed on top of Black Dog. This killed him because his bones were now crushed. "I will use my super not human powers to heal you Jim, my human! BY THUNDER!" he called as he started beating Jim with a stick.
"What are you doing to my son!" screamed Mr. Hawkins.
"I'm a curin' his disease, I am!" cried Bones as he smacked Jim in the stomach with an empty bottle of rum.
Jim screamed in terror as he saw Bones beating him with the bottle of fun, as what the captain called rum. "Stop it freak!"
"No! I'm a fixin' you, BY THUNDER," said the Captain as he pulled out a 2x4 and started beating Jim with it. He knocked Jim out and he lay there in a coma.
Mr. Hawkins took the 2x4 from the pirate and shoved him aside. "What have you done to my stupid son that I hate with a passion?" he cried as he punched his sons limp body to try to wake him up.
"When he wakes up he'll be as good as new," said Bones as he guzzled down a bottle of rum.
Mr. Hawkins started screaming at his son, "Wake up you sissy! Wake up girl scout! UP! Oh, well. That doesn't work."
Bones held up his bottle of rum. "Fifteen men on a dead man's chest!"
The rest of the bar sang in harmony, "Yo, ho, ho and a bottle of RUM!"
Jim's father grew red with anger at this madness and became so irritated that he had a heart attack. Jim's eyes flew open as he raced to his father, all teary-eyed and said, "Father! If only I could bring you back to life I would and I would make you better and give you medicine and not bad drugs or rum that can kill you because that's what Dr. Livesey says so you should be cool beans."
"FIFTEEN MEN ON A DEAD MAN'S HEAD! I mean, butt. I mean, chest." Billy Bones continued to shout at the top of his lungs.
Dr. Livesey suddenly walked in and looked at the pirate strangely. "Where is the sick man! A sick man appeared on my sick man's radar a minute ago! WHERE IS HE!"
Jim blinked. "Umm… he's dead. And he's right in front of you."
Livesey fell to his knees and started doing CPR. "BREATHE! BREATHE! NOW! BREATHE!"
Jim looked at him strangely. "Uhm…. He's kind of, dead."
"NO, HE CAN'T BE DEAD! IMPOSSIBLE!" screamed the doctor,
"May I interest you in a drunken pirate?" asked Jim as he pointed to the captain who was dancing around and singing Britney Spears.
"Um…. I'm kinda worried about that man," said Dr. Livesey.
"You're stupid!" screamed Jim as he slapped the doctor and killed a bug. Suddenly a blind man crashed into the sign outside and fell over. "Lemme help you up, old dude."
"Yes do that, sonny," said the old man as he held Jim in a death grip. "Nobody move or the boy dies." At that everyone started singing and dancing. The blind man stared at them blankly. "You're all freaks. Now I can't even kill the boy! You all hate him too much for me to do that! My name is Pew!" he screamed as he picked Jim up and threw him against the wall, knocking him out.
"Why are you here Pew? You're not supposed to be here till later," said THE BONES.
"What! I am SO supposed to be here right NOW, girlfriend!" he said as he dug around in his purse for his lipstick.
"I am HERE BECAUSE I cannot SEE where I AM, Boney-phoney man!" Pew explained while closing his eyes a bit too tightly.
"Have you ever thought about opening your eyes?" asked Billy, slapping Pew on the back.
"Omg!" Pew exclaimed, quite femininely. He opened his eyes, "GOOD LORD, I CAN SEE!" He shot Bones dead, and then ran off in front of some tax collectors on horses. The horses trampled him to his doom.
Jim opened his eyes wide. "Man, this is a screwed world. Those pirates are kind of WEIRD. I think I may want to invest in that new 'work-out' fashion epidemic. Or perhaps, maybe, the bling-bling." He pulled out some sunglasses.
"Yo, I'm Jim! J to the I to the M to the JIM! Yo, I got the money, I got the style, I got the tee-hee, and I ran a mile!"
Livesey looked at him strangely, but after a while he decided to screw it all. He jumped up next to Jim, and started singing. "Yo, I'm Livesey! L to the I to the V to the E to the S to the E to the Y! LIVESEY! Yo, I got the money, I got the style, I got the tee-hee, I ran a kilometer! I mean, a mile!" What Livesey didn't know was that when he started singing, Jim had stopped his performance, and was now staring at him.
"Livesey! You loser! Don't you know how freaking stupid you look? My dad that I hated is dead and I don't care, but it's all your fault!" Jim yelled and threw a candle at Livesey. The candle hit him and burned a hole in his skin and his shirt.
"Ow! My skin!" he yelled and started to run around in circles yelling "I'm on fire!"
Jim fell over he was laughing so hard. Soon the doctor was completely on fire, but no one really cared if he got extinguished, so no one even attempted to.
Finally, Livesey used his brain, which was about the size of a pea. But, actually, now that he was on fire, about half of it had burned away. So now it was about the size of a seed, which is very sad. Anyway, so Livesey used his seed-sized brain, ran away from the Admiral Benbow, and jumped off the edge of a cliff into the ocean.
Several hours later, Livesey came trudging up the hill to Jim, soaking wet, with half of his body and brain burned away. Jim screamed when he saw him and ran away. "A DEFORMED MONSTER IS AFTER ME! AGH!" he screamed.
Jim's mother said, "Jimmo Bimmo! Come to your momma and give me a hug!" Jim hugged his mother tightly. He twitched and started having a panic attack. He cried hysterically and wanted to die because his life was over thanks to Livesey being stupid. The world was now ending.
"Mother, the world is over!" Jim told his mother.
"I am gonna have to beat some sense in you, boy!" said his mother. She spanked her son, causing him to cry out in agony.
"Good Heavens, I hate my life," cried Jim. Jim suddenly blew up and then miraculously came back to life. "Where is that confounded doctor?"
"I'm right here," cried the monster. Jim screamed and ran from the "monster" but ended up running into a pole and passing out. Next thing he knew he was at Squire Trelawney's house with the half of the. doctor and the complete idiot of a squire standing over him.
"We thought you were dead Jim," said the squire retardedly. He laughed and hit Jim on the back quite hard making him throw up the remaining parts of THE BONES.
"Eww, you ate THE BONES?" asked the half of the doctor.
"Maybe," said Jim a little embarrassed of his cannibalism.
"That would explain the reason for the madness," chuckled the squire as he slapped his own butt.
Jim blushed. "Maybe..." He paused. "One question. Why are you slapping your butt?"
"'cos it's sexy." The squire slapped his butt again and stuck it in Jim's face. "Say it's sexy! SAY IT'S SEXY! SAY IT! YOU KNOW IT!"
Jim backed away. "Uhm…" he hid behind the half of the doctor, which of course only hid half of him, but Jim was so stupid he didn't realize that.
The squire slapped his butt again. "Half of the doctor, isn't it sexy!" The half of the doctor shook his head. The squire began to cry. "My butt isn't sexy! WAAAHHHH!"
Livesey winced. "Trelawney, your butt-slapping won't get us anywhere. I am sexy, unlike your butt. Your butt is ugly. BUTT-UGLY."
Jim gave Livesey a weird look and whispered in his ear, "HE SNOT SEXY."
Livesey jumped up into the air and yelled, "STOP BLOWING IN MY EAR! MY BRAINS ARE COMING OUT!"
Jim made a disgusted face. "This reminds me of a time I almost died. It had to do with brains. Flint wanted my brains so he could give it to some one-legged freak named Long John Silver. That name reminds me of a salmon, or a tuna fish. Long John Silver is an evil scientist bent on using my brains for experiments with fish and moose and all that crap." Jim proceeded to eat the remaining parts of the doctor's brains.
The squire stared at him strangely. "Are you ok boy? You do like to eat other peeps body parts," he said as he slapped his butt. "I AM SOOO SEXY! BOW TO MY SEXINESS! WHOOT WHOOT!" The half of a doctor with very little brains left gave him an evil yet somewhat stupid look. The squire laughed and pointed at the doctor to make him feel bad.
"I say we get a ship, sail to Bristol, and go to Treasure Island!" exclaimed Jim.
"No you idiot, that reveals too much of the plot GOSH! We have to do this strategically. First we have to write a letter to some random person that I forgot his name because I'm such and idiot and even the doctor with very little brains left is smarter than me," said the squire stupidly.
"I didn't need your life story," said Jim angrily. He picked up a stick and beat the squire with it.
"Ow! That hurts!" exclaimed the squire. Jim started chasing him around the room with a stick. The doctor started to laugh evilly and quite strangely.
"I'm gonna write a letter now," said the squire.
Dear person whose name I can't remember because I'm a complete idiot,
I am a complete idiot who needs a ship to find a treasure with! I have this really cool treasure map that gives me the EXACT location of a REAL buried treasure! If you could give me a really cool ship to sail in to this secret island that everyone knows about, that would be great. I love you by the way. I'll also give you a cookie if you give me a ship and a mutinous pirate crew that I know will commit a mutiny and if you give me a captain that isn't a pirate and if you allow some dude name Long John Silver to go with us. All that would be just fine and dandy! I hope this all works out according to my stupid yet SECRET plan that I have just revealed to you and I don't even know you.
LOVE,
SQUIRE TRELAWNEY
"That's retarded," said Jim, slapping the squire on the head. "So are you, you squire of squireyness."
"Good gravy," said Livesey. "You are one screwed up squire. You are an idiot. More so than me, and I barely have a brain!"
Before Jim could say anymore, a man named Fishix delivered the reply.
"I didn't even send the letter yet!" said Trelawney.
"Shut up, you freak," yelled Fishix as he ran away.
My Dear Trelawney,
This is in reply to your letter. The BMW you requested is not available. Nor is the horse radish. I apologize for the inconvenience. Have a nice day, and make sure to keep your ships clean as cars.
Love,
Dave the Brave Used Car Dealer That Won't Shut Up When You Tell Him To And Is Equipped With Dangerous Weapons
Everyone except for the squire stared at the letter. Jim finally spoke up. "BMW? Horse radish? What the freak?
Suddenly, a ship, mutinous crew, Long John Silver, and a loyal captain appeared outside.
The squire was so retarded that he didn't notice and started to send another letter.
Dear person I still can't remember your name even though I have it right in front of me cuz I am a complete idiot,
You can't give me the BMW and horse radish! What kind of morons are you? I order a BMW and horse radish? And what do I get? A ship, mutinous crew, Long John Silver, and a loyal captain right next to me! What kind of-wait, what! There's a ship, mutinous crew, Long John Silver, and a loyal captain right n ext to me! AAHHHHH!
LOVE,
SQUIRE TRELAWNEY
"Yo! Squire dude! We're here from some place called Tortuga," said Long John Silver.
"Where the heck is Tortuga?" asked the squire.
"Well let's see, we're in Bristol…" started THE SILVER.
"HOLD EVERYTHING! We're in Bristol?" asked the squire.
"DUH! Anyway, we're from Tortuga and we have to go on some mission and we'll go with you and we are the mutinous crew and I am the ships cook that seems good, but is really bad and this is the loyal captain Smollet who doesn't know a clue about what's going on and he hates everything."
"I hate everything," said THE SMOLLET.
"Question—why does everyone in this story have freaky names like, THE BONES, THE SILVER, and THE SMOLLET?" asked Livesey.
"No one really knows or cares," said the squire while slapping his butt.
"That is so hot!" exclaimed THE SILVER.
"I actually like that," said THE SMOLLET.
"I have a question," said one of the pirates. "Why the heck are you missing half of your body?"
"It got burned off," said the doctor.
"Are you seaworthy? Or land worthy at that?" asked THE SILVER.
"Yes, I am. I can hop on one foot just fine," said the doctor. "I'm missing most of my brain."
"That's just creepy," said Israel Hands, one of the gunners and mutinous pirates.
"That's a weird name!" shot back the doctor.
"Don't make fun of my name! It's very honorable! Hands is a cool last name and I happen to like the name Israel," exclaimed THE HANDS.
"I guess I'll just call you THE HANDS then," sighed the half of the doctor.
"Ah, well, THE HANDS play with THE SILVER and THE SMOLLET explodes," said Jim randomly. He began to tap-dance. "My Momma taught me how to tap-dance. She said it scares away icky girl cooties."
The half a doctor eyed Jim. "Your mother is insane."
Jim jumped on the doctor's half of a body. "YOU ARE SO MEAN I HATE YOU I HATE YOU SO BAD!" he screamed and yelled at the doctor.
THE FLINT blinked. "Is everyone this weird in this story?"
Everyone stared at the parrot.
"Oh, allow me to introduce myself," said THE FLINT, "I am THE SILVER's parrot, and I am the only one registered as officially somewhat normal in this story."
Everyone burst out laughing.
"Someone somewhat normal? In this story?" half of the doctor laughed. "That's impossible!"
THE FLINT glared at them all evilly.
The squire looked around. "So, when are we actually going to leave?"
Everyone burst out laughing again. "We already left you moron!" someone shouted. "Wait…" the someone said. "We already left! AAHHHHH!"
Everyone looked around and saw that while everyone was being stupid, as usual, they had forgotten to tie up the ship, and it had floated away. Now they were in the middle of the ocean, and they had no idea where they were. Everyone began to freak out. Screams and yells of "AH!" and "OMG!" and "WTF!" ran out.
All Of a sudden the pirates started to sing:
We're pirates, we square dance, and we're cooler than you!
We smell like dirty shoes and we look like them too!
We hate to be smart and in fact we're not at all
Yo ho yo ho an idiots life for me!
Whoot whoot we're all idiots!
We're as stupid as they get, but not as stupid as the squire!
The pirates then began to break dance in an abnormal fashion and one or two of them managed to fall off of the ship.
"I wanna break dance too!" exclaimed Jim who thought he was all that. He began to break dance and then ended up crashing into the half of a doctor and falling into a barrel of fish.
"Ewwww it smells in here!" exclaimed the doctor.
"I think these fish taste great!" said Jim happily.
"Do you enjoy eating dead things?" asked the half of a doctor.
"How do you know my terrible secret!" exclaimed Jim as he screamed and jumped overboard.
"OH NO!" said the doctor. "JIM YOU GET BACK HERE!"
Jim smiled and swam around in the water. "Lookit me go! LIVESEY YOU HALF A DOCTOR! LOOK AT ME!"
The doctor furrowed his brows. "I see you, you insolent fool, you."
Jim frowned. "Aww…"
Sarra popped in and said, "Keep your romances to yourselves. It's like…fake money to me." Then she left.
The squire suddenly had a flash of seeming intelligence, but then again, this is the squire we're talking about, so it can't be intelligence. He decided to go fishing! He grabbed a random stick and tied a string to it. He then threw the string overboard, but figured out too late that the string was really THE HANDS beard.
"AAAHHHHH!" THE HANDS screamed as he fell, and his beard was ripped out.
"Oops," the squire said, taking the string back in. Looking at the string, which was still THE HANDS beard, he decided to just use it as the string. He threw it back over and waited to catch some fish, even though he had no bait at all, his string was composed of some guy's beard, and his string was five feet above the water. Jim jumped out of the water and grabbed the beard.
"I've caught something!" cried the squire happily. Everyone stared at him in disbelief.
"What? Seriously—I have a fish!" Suddenly, he pulled in Jim and everyone started throwing fish at the squire.
"AGH!" the squire screamed and ran around like a girl. After a few seconds, he tripped and fell overboard. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" A loud splash followed.
"How many more people are going to fall overboard?" the half of a doctor asked, promptly losing his balance and falling overboard
"At this rate, the whole crew will have fallen overboard," a random pirate said.
This concludes our first chapter of our cool parody on the crappy book, Treasure Island.
This is only to make fun of the book that haunts us so much in English. If you like the actual book, we think you are a loser and or stupid. Love, Halo A.K.A Rachael
Do not mob Pirate Monkey with angry letters. She is cool.