Title: Dying
Author: Maggienhawk
Disclaimer: I foolishly lost the rights to them…I think they got lost in my room.
Summary: Sara's ready to live without him…or is she? NO character death. GSR.
A/N: This is my first songfic. The song is "Dying," by Five for Fighting, and I don't own this song either. I bought the CD, and while listening to it in the car on the way home, I fell in love with the song. If you can't figure it out, this fic takes place during Bloodlines, starting from when Sara walks away from Nick.
A/N 2: Big thanks to Jo for the speedy read through!
I'm Dying. Dying to wake up without you, without you in my head again
I'm Dying. Dying to forget about you, that you ever lived.
There's a shade come over this heart that's coping with laying down to rest
I'm Dying to live without you again.
She walked along the strip slowly, taking in the gaudy display of lights and attractions. All she could think about was how someone could possibly move to Las Vegas and make it their home. It was all too fake, in her opinion, but this fake world was the one that was slowly taking away everything she aspired to be. Her job was killing her, and so was the man who brought her here.
Yes, there were horrible, senseless crimes in other cities, at other crime labs. But for some reason, she had gotten to the point where she couldn't handle some of them emotionally. She knew she was heading towards a burnout, and it was only a matter of time before everyone else noticed.
Unfortunately, it didn't seem as if anyone noticed her anymore. She was just Sara, extreme workaholic, who is in love with Grissom, and doesn't have a life outside of work. And everyone else was wrapped up in their own problems to even recognize the signs of burnout. Which is sad for a bunch of trained investigators, she thought as she stopped in front of a window to admire some intricate glass sculptures. "They're beautiful," she softly mumbled under her breath, and immediately a conversation from years ago popped into her mind.
She smiled briefly as she replayed the moments while sitting next to an ice rink. But the smile faded as moment after moment of heartache passed in front of her eyes. Four years ago, she moved here to work for him, to be happy with him. But now, she was ready to forget about him completely, and every moment they had ever shared. Including the good ones, because they only served as a catalyst for the comparison of his actions. How a man could be so compassionate one day, and the next be completely heartless baffled her, and she, for probably the millionth time, thought about walking away from everything. From her job, from this phony town, and from her love of him. All she wanted was to spend one moment where she didn't think of him. She wanted to live without him.
She moved past the window and noticed a small bar down the strip.
I'm Dying. Dying to find a distraction, get you away from me
I'm Dying. Dying to reach a conclusion, so that the world can see
It's the same old story of love and glory that broke before it bent
I'm Dying to live without you again.
She sat, with her second cold beer in hand, and she could remember another conversation. He told her she needed a diversion, that she couldn't immerse herself in her job, that she would eventually burnout that way. But she couldn't comprehend that, because she always immersed herself in whatever she did. School, work, falling in love. It was all, or nothing. And it had proven to be a successful tactic, up until now.
'Since when do I sit alone in a bar, drowning my sorrows in a beer?' she thought as she took a sip. The alcohol slid soothingly down her throat and she almost began to laugh as she realized that this had become her distraction from everything. She had tried to use alcohol to forget about everything that had happened to her.
She set the beer on the bar, and stared at the condensation forming on the bottle. To an observer it may have seemed that she'd drank herself into oblivion, but in reality, her mind was working overtime, trying to figure out what to do from this point. She had never needed a distraction from life, but she soon realized that she didn't necessarily need it; she welcomed it.
If she could distract herself from the hell that was surrounding her, maybe she could finally figure out a way to walk away. She had been so blinded by everything going on, the promotion drama with Nick, the emotional ties to cases, and her feelings for Grissom, that it prevented her from just getting up and walking out of this life. And it was there in that bar that she realized that all of that was over. There was no promotion; she had finally reached a breaking point when it came to cases, and she was burning out; and the thing with Grissom, well, it was over before it even started. She loved him, and she guessed she would always love him, but it was time to accept that while he might have some feelings towards her, he would never truly love her.
It was time to live without his love now.
She got up from the bar and walked slowly to her car, not remembering anything except that she had decided to move on. Not even that she had a few drinks less than thirty minutes ago.
The first time you left I said goodbye
Now there's not a prayer that can survive
Dying. Dying to die just to come back so we can meet again
Dying. Dying to say what I always should have said
Years ago, when they first met, he probably would have calmly walked in and taken her home. No accusations, no outward disappointment, just a friend helping out another friend. Now, she was worried this would just drop her down another peg with Grissom.
A brief smile graced her features when she recalled the Grissom she knew back in San Francisco. He was the man that she fell in love with, and those images of him in her mind fueled a fantasy for a lifetime. She said goodbye to the love of her life when he left San Francisco.
But then, he called her up and she quickly moved to Las Vegas, where she caught glimpses of that man for awhile. People change, she thought bitterly, and Grissom was unfortunately not an exception. She never had the chance to say goodbye to the man she loved the second time around because he was gone before she realized it.
She could only sit and imagine what would have happened if things were different for them. What if they were closer in age? What if she didn't work in the same field as he did? What if they met in some chance encounter at a grocery store, as opposed to a lecture? What if she actually said the things she always wanted to say to him? What if she had told him that she loved him? She could come up with all of these situations, but knew that it was useless in trying to claim the love that she thought was rightfully hers.
She just sat, waiting for the rest of her life to begin.
It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath…
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again
He surprised her by sitting down in the seat next to her. She heard his disappointed sigh, and she steeled herself by maintaining her stare straight in front of her. But then he surprised her again.
He gently took her hand in his, and her eyes fluttered to look to where they were joined. She had dreamt about this moment for years, but not in this context.
"Come on. I'll take you home."
Her chin dropped to her chest, partly in embarrassment, and partly in exhaustion.
He had taken another step in the relationship, another breath of life. And she realized that she could never live without
him, as much as it killed her to do so.
It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath…
I'm Dying and I can't live without you
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again.