They both have their reasons

This is kind of a romantic alternative to "Beneath you" where Buffy learns about Spike's soul.

Setting: Early Season 7 but AU. All that crap with the big worm didn't happen. Nothing really happens, no First and stuff, it's just that I borrow the timeline and the status of the Scoobies (Spike is living in the school basement haunted not by the First but by the burden of his new soul, Willow and Giles are in England, Xander and Anya didn't get married and Anya is once more a vengeance demon).

Disclaimer: Neither the characters nor the mentioned song belongs to me and I use them just to give you a good time.

Author's note: This story was inspired by someone who did a twist on the episode "Once more with feeling" using "The Reason" by Hoobastank in it. That gave me ideas.

It was a crowded night at the Bronze.

When Buffy entered the club after patrol she felt like stepping into a sauna. Immediately her black sleeveless top clutched against her body and her skin that had already been heated from fighting a group of vampires less than ten minutes ago, was suddenly covered with tiny droplets of sweat.

Well, it was a Friday night at the Bronze, so the place being all packed and hot was nothing unusual.

But it felt unusual for Buffy to be there. After all that had happened the last few weeks nothing seemed normal to her, least of all a night at the Bronze with her friends. Well, the few friends that were still there.

With Willow being sent to England after trying to destroy the world… and Giles being there as well…with Tara dead… and Anya being a vengeance demon once again… and Spike first being gone and now being crazy… there were not much of her friends left after all.

Not that the last two had ever been friends in the first place! If Buffy was honest she hadn't liked Anya that much… but being involved with Xander had made her a member of the gang after all.

And Spike?

Buffy frowned and tried to shake the thoughts about a certain blond vampire out of her head. She didn't want to brood about Spike right now, she was here to enjoy some party-time with Xander and Dawn!

Her sister had insisted for her to join them after patrol, she'd said they hadn't been bronzing in ages! And she'd been right so that's why Buffy was there now.

She had spotted her friends occupying a table near the stairs to the balcony. On her way towards them Buffy tried to push past the people lined at the bar when something at the very left end of the counter suddenly caught her attention.

Someone.

Though dressed in a simple black button down shirt instead of the trademark duster Buffy recognized Spike immediately. And not due to his platinum blond hair because the bleach was still outgrown and the dark roots were still showing like the way it had been when Buffy had run into him in the school basement the other night.

She hadn't told anyone about seeing Spike there but now that he was here in public the others would probably meet him for themselves.

"Guess it won't be a happy reunion," Buffy said to herself. Both Xander and Dawn were still furiously angry at Spike for what he had done to her. For what he had tried.

And Buffy herself?

She had tried to forget their dreadful encounter in the bathroom but once in every while thoughts about that day kept coming back. At night when she was lying in bed unable to sleep…

'…But not now!' Buffy thought determined when she reached the table with Dawn and Xander waiting for her.

"Hey guys!" Buffy forced a smile on her face.

"Hey Buffster!" Xander replied, "You've done in enough bad guys? Ready to move your feet in something other that a roundhouse-kick?"

"Huh?"

"Dance, you silly!" Dawn explained good-natured and stood up ready to walk over to the dance floor.

Xander got up, too and extended a hand towards Buffy still standing in front of the table.

"Come on, Buffster!"

"Hhm, ugh, thanks but no guys. I think I'll sit the first one out. I just fought four vamps outside and I'm, you know…" Buffy tried to explain.

"Tired?" Dawn asked.

"Thirsty?" Xander wondered at the same time.

"Yeah!" Buffy answered with a sigh.

"Which one?"

"Which what?" Buffy frowned and wondered why she suddenly felt the strong urge to stay and watch Spike at the bar.

"Okay, Buffy. What's wrong?" Xander was starting to worry about Buffy's aloofness.

"Wrong?" Buffy snapped out of her thoughts and looked at her friend. "No, nothing wrong, Xan! Don't worry, just go and dance with Dawn, I'm gonna stay here to keep the table, you know?"

"You sure?" Xander wasn't convinced yet.

"Yes, I'm sure. Go, I'll join you later. First I'm gonna get me a diet coke." Buffy sat down and waved Xander away.

She watched him follow Dawn onto the dance floor before her eyes travelled over to the left where Spike was still sitting at the counter with his back towards her, head bowed down nearly resting it on the hard surface in front of him.

From time to time she saw him putting his left hand over his head as if to block a punch and clutch his head tightly.

'What is that all about?' Buffy wondered. 'Odd new habits coming with the craziness?' She kept watching him while listening to the music that kept the people occupied on the dance floor.

When the first song ended Buffy had to fear Xander and Dawn coming back to the table. But a new song started right after and they seemed to decide going for another round.

Buffy listened to the soft intro and recognized the song in seconds. How many times had she listened to this one over the last weeks? A hundred? A thousand times?

She didn't know.

I'm not a perfect person

there's many things I wish I didn't do

Buffy's gaze went immediately back to Spike.

But I continue learning

I never meant to do those things to you

He was still sitting motionless with his back towards her. Could he feel her being there? Did he listen to the song? Did he know?

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

Did he know that she'd thought countless times about what had gone wrong? About what they had done to each other over the last year? About the mistakes they both had made? Yeah, right, she'd finally become able to admit having made mistakes. She could admit to herself that she'd treated him wrong. But would she someday be able to tell him as well?

Would they ever be… friends?

There'd been a chance but…

Last summer when she'd been dead Spike had been working with the gang. He had patrolled and he had spent time with Dawn. He had seemed to like being with her. He had seemed to like having a place within the gang. There had been the chance…

But when she'd been brought back it had all gone wrong.

After Buffy's return all had gone down with the two of them. And not because he'd suddenly been able to fight her again. To hurt her.

It had all gone wrong because she'd been wrong.

All because she hadn't been able to love.

Not him.

Nor anybody else.

Least of all… herself.

I found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

Spike could feel her eyes burning into his back. He'd sensed her the second she'd entered the Bronze and he had tried to hide in the very last corner of the bar.

It had been a stupid idea to come here tonight. He should have known better. He should have stayed in the cellar where he belonged. But the voices…

The voices had been too loud and he had wished to drown them in the noise of the Bronze.

Stupid Spike! Stupid William!

He should have known that they're clever, the voices. The louder he would choose his surroundings the louder the voices would become; screaming in his head; drowning out everything else.

And now, add insult to injury, she was here as well.

As if all the voices inside weren't enough already, now she had to be there and see him and come to yell at him and punish him. But he deserved it, didn't he?

So why would she not come yelling? Why was she just sitting there staring at his back? Staring, burning holes into him, into his head… and into his chest where the spark was.

The spark he had wanted…for her.

Buffy…

I found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

When the chorus was over Spike had recognized the song. And how could he not know it? It was made for him, wasn't it?

He sat up straight and started listening to the lyrics in earnest. He began to whisper along the words hoarsely and tried to fade out the voices inside his head.

And somehow it worked; they were drowned out all of a sudden. Spike could hear the verses clearly.

He turned around and searched for Buffy's eyes at the other side of the room. Locking his gaze with hers Spike moved off the bar stool in one swift motion and walked slowly towards Buffy's table. The slayer, who's gaze had also not once faltered, had left her place the second she'd seen Spike moving.

They met on the edge of the dance floor; stopping only inches apart.

I'm sorry that I hurt you

It's something I must live with every day

Spike could feel the heat radiating from Buffy's body without having to touch her. Her deafening heartbeat threatened to drown out the music and her hazel eyes seemed like huge devouring pools glistening with unshed tears.

And all the pain I put you through

I wish that I could take it all away

He swallowed and lifted one hand to slowly caress her right cheek. When he felt Buffy lean into the soft touch Spike let his other hand rest on her hip and started moving to the music.

Like a reflex Buffy lifted her arms to hold the vampire in a loose embrace for their dance. She let her hands trail from his shoulders down his arms and closed her eyes.

It felt so natural to be in his embrace. Natural and still...

A sigh escaped her lips and a single tear rolled out of her eye.

And be the one who catches all your tears

That's why I need you to hear

Spike's finger stopped the tear immediately in it's path along Buffy's cheek. The gentle touch sent a shiver down her spine.

A good one.

Buffy stepped further into Spike's arms and rested her head against his firm chest. They went on dancing slowly without having said anything to each other. There was no need for words other than the lyrics.

It was all said.

I found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

"This is what makes it worth after all!" Spike's low voice nearly escaped Buffy's hearing. So she lifted her head from his chest and looked up into his face.

"Each and every trial I had to endure was worth sharing this one moment with you. Every single bug crawling over me, inside of me. Every burn I felt, every strike I received…this was worth it all," Spike whispered, oblivious to Buffy staring at him with a frown.

"What do you mean?" she had stopped moving. "Spike?"

"Hhm?" The vampire was still unaware of Buffy's questioning gaze.

"What trials?"

Spike's eyes shot open and he stared down into her alerted face. And then…

"No!" he suddenly yelled and clasped his hands over his ears.

The voices were back!

Spike stumbled backwards, out of Buffy's embrace, and fled from the dance floor.

Buffy watched him grabbing his head forcefully on his way out. He was in pain; obviously his chip was firing due to his uncontrolled bumping into several people on his blind flight out. It was after he'd reached the exit that Buffy broke out of her stunned stupor and followed him in a hurry.

"Spike!" she yelled once she got outside. "Spike, wait!"

He kept running without looking back.

The voices were back. They were louder than ever before, screaming at him, torturing him. Everything else had faded away; he was oblivious to Buffy following him shouting his name. All Spike could hear were the desperate screams of all the ones he had killed. Every single victim he could hear inside his head. Loud and shrill. He couldn't bear it anymore.

Suddenly Spike stumbled and fell to the ground hard. He stayed there lying facedown on the street clutching his head and shaking violently.

"Spike!"

Buffy's pleading voice pierced his aching head. And then she was there, kneeling down next to him, turning him around forcefully.

"Spike, what's wrong?" she asked out of breath.

"No, no…" he muttered quietly and tried to crawl away. Buffy grabbed his arms to hold him down.

"Spike, listen…" she cried, "Spike, can you hear me?"

"No… no… go," he kept on muttering, "go away! Leave me alone, please! No! Please… please stop…"

Buffy could feel Spike trembling all over and panic began to creep in her. Was he cold? Vampires didn't get cold!

"Go, pl…please!" His voice broke.

"No, I'm not going away! Spike, listen to me! I won't leave you here like this!" she tried to reason with him.

"No, please stop!" His voice was hoarse and then it was nothing but a pleading whisper:

"Please, Buffy, make it stop!"

Buffy stared into the once so familiar face now changed into a mask of pain and despair. She gripped the trembling vampire harder and hauled him onto her lap. Her arms surrounded his upper body strongly so that there was no room for him to shift away. She rested his head against her shoulder and buried her own face in the soft and curly fair tips of his otherwise dark hair.

Spike stopped whimpering but he was still shaking like a leave. His stormy blue eyes were opened wide and begged her to fight for him. To defend him against an enemy only he could see.

Buffy didn't know what to do. The panic threatened to overpower her and tears of desperation ran down her face. She was unaware of it. All she could see and feel was Spike's pain. His struggle with an invisible force.

Without thinking Buffy suddenly leaned down and pressed her lips against Spike's.

The kiss was everything but gentle. It was strong and frantic; full of power, ruthlessness and determination. It wasn't a kiss to die for; it was a kiss to wake the dead.

And that was what it did!

Spike remained in his shock-like state only for a few seconds before Buffy's vicious attack got through to him. She felt him clinging to her like a drowning man would cling to a lifebelt. And then he started to respond.

Spike's body stopped trembling and instead he pulled himself up and turned in her embrace to press his chest hard against her breasts. He opened his mouth and started kissing her back. His lips sucked at her tongue and coaxed it into his demanding mouth. A delighted whimper escaped both of them at the feeling of Buffy's warm wet tongue surrounded by Spike's cool lips.

Eventually Buffy pulled away to gasp for air and Spike rested his forehead against her shoulder.

"Wow!" Buffy panted.

Spike didn't reply but his hands suddenly started shaking again. Buffy could feel them trembling against her back. Then she felt him lift his head and scoot away. She grabbed his shoulders hard.

"Spike?" she tried to look into his eyes but he kept his gaze down. "Spike, look at me!"

He shook his head.

"Spike, please. Let me help you! What's wrong with you?" Buffy asked anxiously.

Spike let out a pained snort.

"Everything!" he whispered.

"What? Why? Spike, please, tell me what happened. What's wrong?"

Spike sighed. Suddenly the song from before crept back into his mind. He remembered it as if someone was singing it right now in his head.

I'm not a perfect person

I never meant to do those things to you

"Oh Buffy! What have I done to you!" he started speaking quietly.

"Sshh, none of that now! Tell me what's wrong!" she soothed him.

And so I have to say before I go

that I just want you to know

"All the time I was wrong and you were right!" Spike suddenly shouted so loud that Buffy reeled backwards. Spike took the opportunity to get out of her arms and off the ground quickly. He started pacing back and forth.

Buffy stood up, too. She was getting tired of asking but she did it once more.

"What do you mean, Spike? I was right? About what?"

Spike threw a short glance at her but when he answered his eyes were glued back on the street.

"You said that I couldn't love without a soul," he paused shortly, "and you were right! You were bloody right all the time!"

Buffy stared at him open-mouthed. Subconsciously her mind registered his first 'bloody' since he was back. He must feel more like himself after all. But her conscience only revolved around what he'd said. She'd been right; he couldn't love without a soul. It had all been a mistake, he didn't love her! He never had!

All she could answer was: "Oh!"

Spike was oblivious to Buffy's sudden discomfort. He started rambling more to himself than to her:

"What I felt for her before they gave me back the spark couldn't have been love. It was small and shallow; nothing compared to the feelings that are inside of me now. Must be the spark after all. It made me complete, it made me whole again. It made me love her for real this time! Forever!"

And then his rambling changed into the lyrics of the song still running through his mind. First he softly whispered the words but soon he began to sing without knowing.

I found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

Buffy had been staring motionless to the ground when Spike had begun to sing. First she didn't listen but then something suddenly forced its way into her senses. 'Changed who he used to be? The spark? Made him complete? Made him whole again?'

And then it hit her, it all fell into place.

"Oh, god!" she gasped and stepped closer to the still singing vampire. "The spark! It's your soul! You've got your soul back!"

Spike stopped pacing and looked at her. His voice faltered once but then he swallowed and kept going on in a low voice.

I found a reason to show

A side of me you didn't know

A reason for all that I do

And the reason is you

When the song ended Buffy asked still in shock: "You got your soul back! For me?"

"Buffy, it's all about you. It was and it will be. Ever!" Spike's answer was nothing but a light whisper.

Buffy stepped closer and lifted a shaking hand to his chest. She placed it gently above his non-beating heart and smiled.

Spike placed a hand above hers. "It's still dead," he whispered, "dead and cold."

Buffy looked up into his eyes and smiled gently.

"But not inside it isn't. Not anymore!"

And finally Spike smiled back.

THE END