Hard and fast, that's the way I always imagined it.
My first time dying, and I don't even want too. It's like I got no choice in the matter. Bullshit.
Giles was nearly crying when he told me. As close as a stuffed up Brit can get to crying, anyway. I already sort of guessed it, I mean, you can only take so many hits before you go down, even as a slayer.
Still, it fucking sucks.
Turns out, slayer healing is a little more specific than we ever cared to find out. Only works on what the body is already doing- hijacks it, speeds it up, but the stuffs already got to be working.
Those little brain cells can't really regrow. Once they are dead, they are dead. My body, it's been compensating for a while- but I've beat it up too badly.
He didn't say it, but I am going to die. There is no turning away from this, no moonwalk with Angel. One day, soon, my brain will no longer work so well. The brain cells will begin misfiring, and they won't ever stop until I am dead.
I have to get out of here. I know Giles wants to talk with Willow, see if she can work some hocus pocus, but I can't. I just can't.
So, next train out, I am going back to jail. I figure, if I am going rogue again, sure as hell ain't gonna make Buffy or one of the Baby Slayers kill me.
Just because I would die for them, doesn't mean I am ready for this. I want so bad to break down in front of them: Buffy or Xander or God, even Dawn. To say goodbye. But they don't need that weighing on them. I'll just slip out one of these nights, hitch hike to Canada or something. I'll have Giles research the vampire hotspots, take down the house.
Or maybe I'll take down evil lawyer firm that paid me blood money to get Angel. That tried to get to me in jail. Lot of crazy mojo going on. Could get lost in that.
The point is, there are a million of places I can go to die. I'll just choose the one with the least people, the most vamps. It'll be five by five, in the end.
Whatever the hell that means.