Disclaimer: I don't own anyone in this story, no profit is being made.
Author Notes: My somewhat triumphant return. Just a little drabble piece that got stuck in my head. It's an alright piece, not one of my favorites.
He Remembers
Geoff could remember when he didn't feel like a parent. Geoff can remember not having to worry about his brothers as much, because his parents did plenty of that. Oh sure, Geoff had worried some, he was their big brother, he of course had moments were he was worried they were making the wrong choice, or that their latest endeavor would cause them pain in the end. However, he was just the cool big brother then, he didn't have to enforce rules, not like he did now.
He could remember a time when he was certain his parents would never let any harm come to them. A time that seems so far away now. When he was so sure that despite their differences somehow they would work it out. He remembers in the beginning holding out hope that his mom would actually come back. He remembers thinking that once his dad got a new job that his load would lighten. Instead it had become heavier.
He could remember when his biggest concern was which party to attend. Geoff could remember when all he had to worry about was the football games after party, or trying to pick between two parties on the same night. Now, he worried about doctor's appointments and errands. Making sure bills got paid on time and there was always enough food in the house. He worries about things no high school student should have to worry about.
Geoff could remember when friends called; the first thing out of their mouths wasn't concern for his well being. He could remember being invited to parties, or just to hang out. People calling to ask his opinion or help on something, now it seems when the phone rings its someone asking if he needs help, or a concerned nagging about some issue or another. He loves his friends, and appreciates all they do for him, but he feels guilty when they come to help him do something he can't do himself.
He can remember when he didn't live in guilt. He can remember a time when he had no heavy decision to weight him down so heavily. He did not know failure yet. He knows logically he couldn't have done anything differently with Skylar. That his handicapped brother was mentally unwell and that it was only a matter of time before he had a break. Still, he could not help but feel the agony of guilt as his brother was dragged away from him kicking and screaming.
Geoff remembers when he was honestly optimistic about things. When turning the other cheek and looking on the bright side was just too much in his nature not to do it. He isn't sure when that stopped being natural and started being forced. He wouldn't call himself pessimistic by any means, but he is no longer as confident that there's a bright side to every situation. He knows now that not everything works out the way it should, and no amount of positive thinking can change it.
Mostly, Geoff remembers when he had ambitions and dreams of his own. Geoff can remember when he thought he might want to be a party planner. He could throw a killer party, at least according to everyone else. Then he briefly thought he could go into culinary school, become a chef. He had always liked to cook. Now he isn't so sure he'll ever get to do anything. His brothers come first, that's what Geoff's always said. Now his ambitions and dreams are those of his brothers. Cory and his desire to be a vet. Toby and his desperate want to be a baseball player, while Geoff knows the likeliness of that happening is slim, he encourages his brother. At the very least maybe he could get a scholarship to school. Eli is still too little to really know what he wants to do, but Geoff is prepared to do what it takes to help him see it through.
Geoff can remember all those things, but he tries not to dwell in the past, it never helps and only hurts. It's only in the darkest part of the night, when he can't sleep does he let his mind wander to the way things use to be. Then he takes a deep breath, lets it out real slow and reorients himself with how his world works now