Dramatis Personae

The vast cast of characters in the HAYLO saga has been compared to those in other epic fantasies, such as A Song of Ice of Fire and Wheel of Time. Amongst its maelstrom of lost souls a reader may become confused by the dearth of rich characterization and subtle dialogue; so much is left unsaid by these strange and wondrous beings that it would take a mentally herculean effort to keep track of every motivation and development that has befallen them. To that end I have provided a quick list of the main and supporting players that have appeared so far, their personality traits, as well as the organizations they belong to in this game…this game amongst the stars called HAYLO.

The "Humans"

The Chief

The Last Spartan, whatever that means; the Chief defeated the Halo and saved the galaxy from the Flood, despite his tragic backstory as a child soldier monstrosity and possibly abuse victim. But not many know the real story: he also saved the universe from a slip-space mind-terror known as the 'Marisoos,' beings which thrive off of human attention. Along with his cyber-mistress Cortana and his slave Sergeant Johnson, the Chief is set to protect our dimension at all costs.

Lieutenant Oreo

The Chief's maybe-girlfriend. She hasn't done anything much except for complain and be the stereotypical scolding female character.

Lieutenant Oreo's Tits

They're big; they're juicy; they're her most interesting feature.

Sergeant Sergeant Johnson

Before obtaining the rank of Sergeant in the UNSC, Sergeant Johnson was raised by a white middle-American family in Washington DC. Due to an unbelievable set of coincidences he had never seen himself in a mirror or been told that he was an African American—not until this was pointed out to him on Halo. Since then he has been desperately trying to reclaim his identity by enacting every single racist stereotype I can think of. He is the Chief's only and therefore best friend.

Major Silva

Major Silva was an ambitious, egomaniacal, and treacherous officer who attempted to usurp command on Halo. He was killed by his Covenant 'allies' while delivering a long and verbally devastating monologue. Giving these monologue was his only discernable talent. He will never be seen or mention again.

Corporal McKay

Corporal McKay was a terrible character because I can't write. She had less than one dimension and was essentially evil for no reason. It is possible that she was sexually evil as well, but this has not been confirmed. After having a pointless rivalry with Oreo she was killed, and nobody cared.

Captain Keyes (KIA)

Captain Keyes was known to be over 300 years old. It is said that he ejaculated Shinola and crapped Ovaltine. His extreme racism and sexism influenced the Chief growing up, almost as much as his kidnapping and experimenting on children. Captain Keyes was set to win the presidential election of 20-whatever-year-Halo-is-in, but he was unfortunately killed on Halo.

Mendoza (DIA – Dick in Ass)

Private Mendoza was an otherwise unremarkable completely immortal Marine with a very special power: the power to make any male organism in the universe instantly and entirely gay for him merely through contact with his person. The exact means of conversion are unknown, but it seems that mere line of site is enough. It is not clear whether Mendoza intentionally wields this power, or what it's origin might be. The only known beings to resist his ability are as follows:

John 117: AKA Master Chief Petty Officer "The Chief"

Sergeant Sergeant S. Johnson, Esquire

Captain Jacob's Ladder "KKK" Keyes

Commander "Darren" of the Covenant — (already gay)

"Cercil Saltstein" AKA Marisoo of John 117 — (possibly already gay)

The Unamerican Scum

Commander Darren (MIA – Maybe into Anal)

Commander Darren is a mysterious and highly dangerous individual. His only loyalty is to himself, and he has shown time and time again his willingness to betray everyone he knows if it means escaping with his butt intact. Well, relatively intact; he doesn't seem to mind a little bit of damage if you know what I mean. Also, he may or may not at one time been the one and the same legendary pornographer of the Covenant, known as the mysterious and enigmatic "Commander Darren." Commander Darren has only ever been loyal to two people: his lover, Eric the Jackal, and his victim, Kit Fisto. Having gotten away from his failure at Halo intact, save for two missing mandibles, only one question remains: what role will he play in the next half of the story?

Kit Fisto

Some authors write effective villains and believable female characters. I am not one of these authors, which is why I wrote Kit Fisto, a stereotypical snarky dark female villain who makes up for being one dimensional by always being cooler than the boys.

Eric the Jackal (KIA)

Commander Darren's bestest bro-buddy who he shared more than a few brewskies with and also they fucked. He's dead now.

Cercil Salstein

While Cercil Salstein may appear to be another Elite, he is in fact a Marisoo spawned from the Chief's mind. As a Marisoo he is almost unkillable and thrives off attention; he tries to get attention by being as offensive as possible. He is harmless if ignored. However, giving him too much attention or power allows him act out his true nature: that of a massive edge-lord. On Halo he attempted to possess the Chief's body and activate the Ring, but he was successfully exorcised.

343 Guilty Spark

Basically the same as in the games.

The Flood

Running out of ammo from shooting one zombie over and over again and then looking up and seeing the other zombies and being like OH SHIT and then you die. Backing into doors and opening them while not looking at them and backing through the door into a huge horde of zombies that rips you apart gruesomely. Tripping over stuff while running through the forest and looking over your shoulder and then screaming as the camera zooms towards your face or mouth or something. Standing by a window and yelling at the other survivors as the horde smashes through and grabs you and then tears you apart while everyone screams and you beg for your life and it's very shocking. Trying to save the strange, undead child by stuffing your hand into her mouth and then screaming loudly as the camera shakes back and forth and there's a bloody close up of your mutilated fingers and then someone starts shooting and the camera is dropped and then it's like oh my god noooooooooo tsssssssssssssh

"But how can you kill something….THAT'S ALREADY DEAD?"

Whitania (KIA – Kawai Intelligent Athena)

The most powerful Marisoo yet encountered: Whitania's mere presence manipulates the minds of those around her, causing them to recognize what a sexah empwored womn she really is. She was created when that slut bitch whore pig Oreo wuz in slpspace with my love the Chief: as the Marisoo of Oreo she is an incredibly beautiful goddess who cannot be klled and she wears a skin tight white leather black latext ouftil with angel eings and sexy thigh high bots. Her pwr lvl is super high and she is immortal. After makngi aapapsppaaapassianoate paassiionate passoapasso passionate love with the cjiefh she was pregnanted by his sperm asnd tbo tgnto birth an rew new race of marisoo hynan human hybrids, but htat cunt butic horeo s ofoked my pans oplans my plans and I was kull killed by the Chief and Cercil. Only time will tell when this incredibly amazing goddess of a woman, like Artemis herself, will return to be worshipped by everyone.