I needed a break from OFAS, so I decided to write a songfic, this song was suggested by Aly and I thought it was prefect for Jibbs, so here it is!
disclaimer: don't own the song, just having fun with it ;)
Enjoy and please leave a review :)
What If (Kate Winslet)
Here I stand alone with this weight upon my heart and it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change
Absently she was clicking with her pen while reading through a report. Propped up against the backboard of her bed and with her reading glasses on her nose she skimmed through the papers, reading them for what could probably be the tenth time.
And she still hadn't remembered a word.
Lately, it had become harder and harder to focus. Ever since he'd 'retired'she had been wondering if she'd done the right thing by not senidng in the retirement pachage. She though she had, but then again, there was always that other time when she'd assumed what he wanted. And he hadn't taken it lightly back then. She still had to live with those consequences every day.
She thought it had been what he wanted, just like he'd said before the mission even began. "Everything that happens in Europe, stays in Europe.". And that included their relationship. Right?
So after some tears, some packing and some writing she'd left. Leaving that simple, short note on his pillow. Saying goodby had been too hard back then. But now, all those years later, she wished she'd handled it differently.
Well I tried but I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind
She'd thrown her whole life around, hoping that the change would scrub away every inch that reminded her of him. But that task was impossible. He was everywhere. In her house, in her memories, in her work and in her friends. In Ducky she had a friend who sometimes slipped her information about his life. His new wife, later, the divorce. His cases and most of all information about Jethro himself and the way he'd been acting ever since she'd left.
That last part was the easiest and maybe one of the shortest descriptions she'd ever heard.
Not. Good.
What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time but I guess we'll never know
He had changed so much, and been impossible to work with. Even Ducky had to admit it. Various teammembers had asked to transfer, and he'd been called in to the Director's office many many times.
Thinking back on it now, she should've never listened to Ducky. Never let him convince her to come back, even if it was just for a visit. He'd been sure that she could improve Gibbs' moods and convinced her that she should stop by the headquarters. That day, even before she had the courage to face him, talk to him she'd seen that redheaded woman in his arms. And she knew that it was more than a friendly hug. She'd turned around. Never looking back, taking the first assignment that had been over the ocean. Caïro.
Eighteen months and he'd move don. She wished she knew how he did it. But she didn't and so her mind kept wondering back to the time she'd last been happy. 548 days ago, eighteen months ago back in Paris. Wondering what would've happened if she hadn't left him. If she'd given it a try.
Wishing there was some way to find out.
Many roads to take
Some to joy
Some to heartache
Anyone can lose their way
And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change
He'd pulled away from the hug, and smiled at the woman he was holding. Karen, or future ex-wife number four as his agents called her. Over her shoulder he saw a flash of red between the closing elevators. Even in that different haircut he'd recognise that hair anywhere.
Jenny.
What in the world was she doing here, hadn't she hurt him enough? He could still remember how it felt, seeing that small note on his pillow after he got back from his morning run. His heart shattered into a million pieces in that moment, and he was still putting them back together.
After Shannon, he'd thought he'd never fall in love again, and had settled along the way. Until Jenny. And then she'd left him.
He remembered searching through the closets, trying to find some of her things in their hotelroom but there was nothing left. She'd taken everything with her. All that he had left was the scent of her perfume on her pillow.
He focused on the woman in front of him again. Karen was a wonderful woman. Tobias had told him he wasn't sure he still deserved someone like that. And he himself wasn't sure either. How could he ever give her the things that she deserved if his heart was still broken, if he was still wondering what he could've done differently.
If he was wondering if it was possible to turn back time and fix whatever he'd done to make Jenny leave.
If he was still wondering if he could still catch up with Jenny if he took the stairs right now.
Do you think how it would have been sometimes
Do you pray that I'd never left your side
He never took those stairs, never wondered what could have been if he did. It was too hard. He'd broken up with Karen and buried himself in his work. Sometimes he could still swear he'd see her hair, smell her perfume or feel her eyes on him.
Those times he searched around, but he never found her. And once again he'd stay behind opening a new case file, just to keep himself busy.
What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time but I guess we'll never know
If only we could turn the hands of time
If I could take it back would you still be mine
She'd worked herself up quickly, her ability to play politics had helped her a lot. She worked long days now, making sure she spent as little time alone there as possible. Because every time she did, he'd come back again.
It was probably pretty sad and pathetic, to still be hung up on the same man after four years. Every other guy she had dated in that period was never able to make it through the comparison. They were never good enough.
Four years, if she thought about it, she laughed about it herself. If they had stayed together, they would've broken up by now. With their tempers, their stubborness, they would've never made it through that first year in the first place.
But she'd never know that for sure. And now it was too late.
'Cause I tried but I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind
In a wave of frustration she threw the file across the room and on an impulse booked a ticket to Mexico. She had waited almost eight years for this, and she couldn't wait anymore. Her patience had ran out.
She knew it had been her decision in the first place, but still the question had remained.
And now, it was time for answers.
What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used know
What if I had never walked away
'Cause I still love you more than I can say
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time but I guess we'll never know
We'll never know
Push the pretty button, you know you want to!