Alien and Predator

by Elecman99

Alien takes a break from his showbiz career to settle down in his apartment until AVP 3 only to find that Predator has done the exact same thing.

Alien and Predator

By: cutman99

Prologue:

After a long, arduous movie career, an exhausted Alien/Xenomorph decides it's time to take a break from all the hustle and bustle and chaos of showbiz, and goes back to his Hollywood apartment to settle down until A.V.P. 3 Starts shooting, but he's about find a surprise waiting in his apartment. Thus begins our story…

1

Beer Interrogation

Alien: Sniff sigh It's good to be back! (Walks to apartment door) (Opens door) Man how I missed this—

Unknown voice: Hey roomy!

Alien: Predator? What the hell are you doing here?

Predator: I live here!

Alien: No… I live here.

Predator: Oh yeah! You live here too.

Alien: What do you mean "too"?

Predator: laughs Nice one roomy!

Alien: Roomy?

Predator: Yeah! You know… as in roommates!

Alien: Room…mates… with you… NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Predator: Anyways glad you're here I have sort of an egg problem in the basement.

Alien: You stay away from my family/security system!

Predator: Dude! Chill!

Alien: The only way I'll "chill" is if you leave right now!

Predator: Listen dude I'm staying like or not.

Alien: Oh no you're—

Predator: (points shoulder cannon at alien) LIKE IT OR NOT!!

Alien: Ooh… Forgot you had that. Fine!

Predator: Yes! This calls for a beer!

Alien: Don't you touch my beer horde!

Predator: (Turns head) Beer horde?

Alien: Oh, Damn it.

Predator: (lunges at alien) WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS YOUR BEER STASH? TELL ME!!

Alien: Screw you Jackass!

Predator: What did you say? What did you just say? (Takes out claws)

Alien: Oh you got to be kidding…

Predator: Talk! (Stabs alien)

Alien: AAAAAAAAAGH!! It's in the fridge in the bottom drawer on the left.

Predator: I said talk damn you! (Stabs Alien again)

Alien: AAAAAAAAGH!! I told you everything!

Predator: Not good enough! Where is the damn stash? (Stabs alien again)

5 hours later…

Predator: (keeps punching wall) Talk!

Alien: (walks behind predator) I'm back from the bathroom. So, have I cracked yet?

Predator: (turns to alien) Not yet, but I've got you on the ropes. (Turns back to wall) Talk! (Punches wall)

Alien: Yeah good luck with that. You want a beer?

Predator: Nah! I'm okay. Talk! WHERE'S THE BEER STASH? (Blows hole in wall)

2

The Offer that wouldn't die

Predator: Just some finishing touches, (Hangs up spear) and my room decorating is done!

Alien: Are you done?

Predator: Yep! What do you think?

Alien: Uh… (Looks at skull collection) Hey come and check out my room!

Predator: Okay!

Alien: (Opens door) Here we are.

Predator: Yikes!

Alien: What do you think too much ooze?

Predator: Hmmmmm… well the wall is definitely covered nicely, but the floor is a bit sticky.

Alien: Okay I'll work on that.

knock knock knock

Predator: I'll get it. (opens door) can I help you.

Man: Hello sir or madam I'm going door to door selling—

Predator: Weapons?

Man: No but—

Predator: Not interested! (Tries to close door)

Man: (blocks door with foot) Wait let me finish—

Predator: No! (shuts door) (Turns around and sees Man) what the?

Man: this is a once in a lifetime offer—

Predator: No! Damn it! (kills man)

Salesman: Have you ever found yourself—

Predator: Annoyed by a salesman who won't take no for an answer let alone DIE? Yes! (kills salesman)

Salesman: (jumps through window) Have I got a deal for—

Predator: WHY WON'T YOU DIE? (Snaps salesman's neck)

Salesmen: We are here to sell you—

Predator: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Starts killing every salesman in the room)

Salesman: (Points gun at predator's head) Are you quite done?

Predator: Why are you so desperate to sell me this product of yours?

Salesman: Well don't you want our product?

Predator: No!

Salesman: (cocks gun) let me ask you again. Don't you want our product?

Predator: No!

Salesman: Oh, well than should've just said so. Good day. (leaves)

Predator: (twitches) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!

Alien: Hey Predator! I removed the stickiness from my floor! Predator?

Predator: He wouldn't die… He just kept coming back…. sob sob

ding dong

Alien: I'll get it. (Opens door)

Girl Scout: Hello would like some cookies mister?

Predator: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Slams door) pant pant pant pant

Alien: What was that for?

Predator: You'll thank me for that someday! Trust me… you'll thank me!

3

Predator V.S. Prince

knock knock

Predator: (opens door) Yes what is it?

Man: Good day sir. I am Marth, and I—

Predator: Roar (Grabs Marth) You son of an asshole! Why was I not in brawl? You made a promise to me and broke—

Marth: (kicks predators balls)

Predator: My Nuts! OW! AH! Ugh! Why?

Marth: You KILLED Roy!

Predator: Nuh-Uh! I put him in a coma!

Marth: On top of that, you made everyone think I'm gay, cracked my sword, cut my di—

5 hours later…

Marth: Built a monument to yourself on my front lawn, and Made Lyn an assist trophy!

Predator: Hey! She owed me 5 bucks and never paid me back!

Marth: Oh, That's okay then.

Alien: What's happening?

Marth: Oh, hi Alien.

Alien: Marth old friend! Come in!

Predator: (grabs Marth's leg) No! You stay here so I can—

Marth: (Stabs predator's arm)

Predator: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!! CHEATER!!

Man: Am I too late to be in brawl?

Predator: Roy?

Roy: Yes it's-- YOU! (stabs same arm as Marth)

Predator: AHHHHHHHHHHH!! Damn it! Not again!

Roy: Bitch! (walks away)

Predator: Agh… oh…. Ugh… pain… Agony… Aah…

(Later)

Marth: So Alien, How've you been recently?

Alien: Oh, God! Horrible! First I make A.V.P.R. and now Predator lives here with me!

Marth: God! That must suck!

Alien: Eh, it has its ups and downs.

Marth: Such as…

Alien: Oh my god! A rat! (points at rat)

Predator: (shoots rat) You're next pretty boy!

Marth: Try it and die!

Alien: Unfortunately, his stupidity is limitless!

Marth: I noticed.

Predator: At least I didn't have a crappy anime!

Marth (Takes out sword) You take that back Jaw Face!

Predator: Why don't you make me Tiara boy?

Marth: This was my sister's!

Predator: Then I guess you must have her bra and panties as well!

Marth: …You son of a bitch!

Predator: What're you going to do about it?

5 minutes later predator is tied to the ceiling while Marth Stabs him repeatedly with his sword.

Alien: I'm going to need more popcorn.

Marth: Apologize!

Predator: Fine! I'm sorry you're whiny little bi—

Marth: (stabs predator)

Predator: AHHHHHH! Totally worth it!

Marth: Apologize! (stabs predator)

Predator: AHHHHHHHHH!

4

Hunter Meets Ninja

Predator: So Alien, what's for breakfast?

Alien: For you, a giant hard boiled egg. (Hands Predator alien eggs)

Predator: Sweet!

(Facehugger leaps from egg onto predator's face)

Alien: (Laughs hysterically)

Predator: (rips off facehugger don't ask how) Very funny.

Alien: Ah! That was rich!

Predator: Whatever! I'm going out to eat.

(At Panda Express)

Predator: sigh

Boy: Mind if I sit here?

Predator: Why not?

Boy: (sits down)

Predator: So uh…

Boy: Naruto, Naruto Uzumaki

Predator: Right, right! Anyways, why aren't you freaked out by my face?

Naruto: Eh, I've seen worse.

Predator: Really?

Naruto: (shows picture of Orochimaru)

Predator: Ah! I see!

Naruto: So, tell me about yourself.

Predator: Well, I like to hunt, I collect skulls as trophies, and I live with my jackass roommate.

Naruto: Uh…huh…

Predator: So what's your story?

Naruto: Well—

(car horn)

Naruto: and now my friends and I are here.

Predator: Sorry I couldn't hear you over that car horn. Oh well never mind.

Naruto: So where do you live?

Predator: Well…

(Bracelet beeps)

Predator: Hang on, Yes?

Alien: Predator, get over here NOW!!

Predator: Did Sigourney Weaver show up at our door again?

Alien: No! I'm being assaulted by ninjas!

Predator: sigh I'm on it! (Hangs up) Sorry dude, I got to go.

Naruto: Alright bye.

(Back at the apartment)

Predator: Alright, time for action. (Turns invisible) (Grabs vase) moan

Ninja 1: What was that?

Predator: I'm the vase of the damned! I'll swallow your soul… and stuff! So leave!

Ninja 2: He's not kidding! Run! (runs away)

Ninja 1: Wait up! (runs away)

Predator: Showed them. (Becomes visible again) (Turns around) (Sees ninja 3) Oh crap!

Ninja 3: You're no demon vase!

Predator: Uh… (Takes out ball) Want the ball? Want the ball? Huh? Huh? Want it? Huh?

Ninja 3: pant pant pant

Predator: Want it? Huh? Do you? Huh? Huh? (Pretends to throw ball) Go get it!

Ninja 3: (Runs in search of ball)

Predator: (Locks door) Sucker!

Alien: Oh, you're back! Are they gone?

Predator: Yes, they're gone.

Alien: Oh thank god! They were getting annoying!

Predator: Well, I'm going to my room. (Closes door) Roar

Alien: That can't be good!

Predator: (Busts Out of room) I'll kill those freaking ninjas!

knock knock knock

Predator: (opens Door)

Ninja 3: You never threw the ball did you?

Predator: (grins) No, but this time I will.

Ninja 3: Oh Boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!

Predator: (Takes pin out grenade) (throws grenade) Go get it!

Ninja 3: (runs after Grenade)

Predator: (Closes Door) (takes cover) 3… 2… 1…

BOOM!

Ninja 3: (Flies through window)

Predator: Now lets who culprit that touched my skulls REALLY is! (Takes off mask)

Dramatic music

Predator: gasp Naruto?

Naruto: Uh… no. I'm…Bill Wilson.

Predator: Oh, Well then, (throws Naruto out window) don't EVER touch my skulls!!

Naruto: Wow! That guy is an idiot!

5

Predator Joins the Force

Alien: Predator!

Predator: Not now! I'm watching cops!

Cop: You're under arrest! You have the right to remain silent.

Predator: Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law! Awesome!

Alien: If you love it so much why don't you just—

Predator: Marry it? God Alien, That's so immature!

Alien: I was going to say "why don't you join it?" you Dolt!

Predator: I can join the police?

Alien: Yes! It would be good to bring in some more cash.

Predator: (Runs Out Door)

Alien: This should prove Entertaining. (Grins)

(At the police station…)

Interviewer: Okay Mr. Predator, So far to all my questions you've answered "Shoot it".

Predator: No! I said Stab him for "what do you do to a Jay-walker?"

Interviewer: Yes well, I just have one thing left to say to you.

Predator: And that is?

Interviewer: Welcome to the job! You're perfect!

Predator: Alright! What's my first assignment?

(Flashes to highway)

Predator: Sweet! Highway patrol!

Driver: (Throws can out window)

Predator: It's go time! (Charges after driver)

Driver: (sees predator) Uh-oh! Better pull over. (Pulls over)

Predator: Get out of the vehicle with your hands up dirt-bag!

Driver: (gets out) what seems to be the problem officer?

Predator: Is this can yours?

Driver: Oh, I'm sorry about that!

Predator: So… yes?

Driver: Yes.

Predator: (Punches Driver in the face) Get down on the damn ground Scum!

Driver: W-What the?

Predator: You have the right to remain silent Etc. You're coming downtown with me!

(Later…)

Warden: Well Predator I have to hand to you, 57 people in one day, not bad.

Predator: Just doing my duty sir.

Warden: And doing it well.

Predator: Well goodnight sir. (Leaves)

(At the apartment)

Alien: So how was it?

Predator: Freaking awesome!

Alien: Really?

Predator: Hell Yeah!! Hey, what do you do all day?

Alien: I stay home all day.

Predator: Whatever, I'm going to bed.

Alien: Yeah, Me too.

Predator: Wait, aren't you nocturnal?

Alien: I MOSTLY come out at night, MOSTLY!

Predator: snicker (bursts into laughter)

Alien: Oh, Shut up!

Predator: sigh Goodnight. (Closes door)

Alien: Idiot! (Closes Door)

Predator: Damn, I LOVE my job!

6

Memory lane

Warden: Predator I have good news and bad news.

Predator: Bad news then good.

Warden: The bad news is, you're not a cop anymore.

Predator: If the good news is a Geico I will kill you!

Warden: Well, that and you've been promoted!

Predator: YEEEEEEEEEESSS! Promoted to what?

Warden: Detective!

Predator: THANK YOU GOD!! (Runs out door)

Warden: God speed Predator.

(Meanwhile at the apartment)

Marth: Thanks for having me over Alien.

Alien: Thanks for coming.

Marth: So where's Predator?

Alien: Working.

Marth: He got a job?

Alien: Yep. He's a cop.

Marth: A COP?

Alien: Yes, and it is hilarious!

Marth: You find this amusing?

Alien: I've been taping his work since he started. Here watch! (Puts in tape)

Robber: Don't anyone come in here I have hostages!

Predator: Alright let me just enter my pin number…

Robber: Hey how'd you get in here?

Predator: I used the door.

Robber: Leave or the hostages die!

Predator: What hostages? Were the only ones in here!

Robber: Shut up before I blow your head off!

Predator: With a cap gun? I doubt that is how gangsters "cap" someone!

Robber: Shut up!

Predator: Wait a second… (Unmasks robber) Roy?

Roy: Damn it you ruined everything!

Predator: Look I know you're mad that you weren't in brawl, but this is a tad extreme!

Marth and Alien: (burst into laughter)

Predator: What's so funny? (Sees TV) Oh! Here's the best part!

Roy: Put me down!

Predator: Dude we have to tell the people outside about this! They will CRACK UP!!

Roy: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Predator: (Jumps out window) Hey everyone!

All: (laugh hysterically)

Marth: These are awesome got anymore?

Predator: Hell Yeah! (Puts in tape)

Drug dealer: Pleasure doing business with you, sir.

Man: Thanks!

Predator: Excuse me!

Drug dealer: Can I help you, sir?

Predator: Yes, There seems to have been a misunderstanding.

Drug dealer: Really?

Predator: Yeah! You see, I asked for sugar, you gave me crack!

Drug dealer: What are you talking about?

Predator: Look all I want to do is return this so I can get my sugar.

Drug dealer: That is sugar. winks

Predator: No, it's CRACK!!

Drug dealer (whisper): Shut up dawg! People are listening!

Predator: They are? Well then, Hey everyone!

Drug dealer: Shut up dawg!

Predator: This guy is selling crack and saying that it's sugar! Don't believe him!!

Cop: Alright, sir. You're under arrest!

Drug dealer: I'll get you for this cracker!

Predator: That's what you get for lying, and my name is Predator!! Hey, a camera! Hi!

All: (Laughing hysterically)

Predator: Hey! I just got promoted to detective today!

Marth: Really? Nice job!

Predator: Yeah! Well, It's getting late we should go to bed.

Marth: Yeah, probably! So where do I sleep?

Predator: What?

Marth: My apartment is being remodeled, so I'm staying here!

Predator: Well, okay then. You get the couch!

7

Little Pet Shop of Horrors

Predator: Hey! A new pet shop just opened across the street.

Alien: Really? Well, maybe we should go check out the place.

Predator: Okay! Let's go!

(At the pet shop)

Manager: Hello, how can I help you?

Alien: Well for starters, I want to know why no one is freaked out by us!

Predator: Good question.

Manager: Well, most people have seen a platypus. Not many things are freakier than it.

Alien: What's a platypus?

Manager: Well, Lucky for you, some platypuses just arrived today. (Holds out platypus)

Alien: WHOA! What is that thing?

Predator: Is it a duck? Is it a beaver? What is it?

Manager: Also, it's an egg-laying, venomous, aquatic mammal.

Alien and Predator: WHAT?

Alien: Wow! This place is remarkable!

Predator: Is there anyway we could help you out?

Manager: Well we do take animal donations.

Alien: Well, we'll let you know if we find an animal worth donating! (Leaves)

Predator: Bye! (Leaves)

Alien: Well, that was nice. Now let's go home and fix the egg problem in the basement.

Predator: Leave that to me!

(At the apartment, in the basement)

Predator: Okay let's see… what do I do with all these eggs? (Thinks) I know!

(Later)

Marth: Hey Alien! Look at this!

Alien: What is it Marth?

Marth: Something is happening at the pet store!

Predator: (Busts door open) (slams door) pant pant pant

Alien: Predator! Why are out of breath… and covered in blood?

Predator: Uh… No reason!

Alien: Whatever! So, what did you do with the eggs?

Predator: Well…

(Aliens jump out pet shop window)

Aliens: You donated them to the pet shop didn't you?

Predator: Maybe…

Alien: (Slaps face in frustration) You are so stupid!

Marth: Hey the aliens are standing in a circle!

Predator: (Looks closer with mask)

Alien: What do you see?

Predator: They all seem to be looking at… the platypus!

Marth: Well come on! Let's go kill them!

Alien: Don't worry. The curiosity will be too much for them to handle. They'll die soon.

Marth Oh, Well it all worked out then!

Alien: I guess so.

8

Night at a ninja's

Predator: Um, Alien, Why is the apartment covered in a huge sheet with gas coming out?

Alien: Well it's being fumigated because "someone" forgot about egg duty!

Predator: That Marth is so irresponsible!

Alien: I'm talking about YOU, you stupid-- wait a second…

Predator: What?

Alien: Marth is still in there! (Opens door) I'm coming Marth (runs inside)

Predator: Three… two… one…

Alien: (rushes out) gasp (Collapses)

Predator: sigh Alright! I'll get him! You wimp! (Goes in)

Seconds later…

Alien: groan

Predator: (comes out with Marth) Here we are! (Drops Marth on Alien)

Alien: Ow! Jerk!

Predator: Your welcome!

Marth: Thanks for letting me KNOW the place was being fumigated!

Predator: Yeah Alien!

Alien: grumble

Predator: Well now where are we going to live?

Alien: The governor owes me a favor.

Predator: I'd rather be HOMELESS!!

Alien: Oh come on!

Marth: Yeah! What's your quarrel with governor Schwarzenegger anyway?

Predator: HE CRUSHED ME WITH A LOG!!

Alien: Oh you poor thing! I GOT SUCKED INTO THE VACUUM OF SPACE!!

Predator: I could barely breathe!

Alien: I couldn't breathe PERIOD!!

Predator: Whatever! Go live with that tyrant! I'm going elsewhere!

Alien: Fine! Screw you!

(At Naruto's house)

Predator: So that's pretty much what's happening!

Naruto: Ah! Well your welcome to stay here!

Predator: Are you sure your roommates won't mind?

Naruto: No, they'll be cool with it!

(Later)

Sakura: So Predator, do you have any hobbies? (Pours tea)

Predator: I Hunt.

Sakura: Oh really? What do you hunt? (Sips tea)

Predator: Oh, Aliens, Monsters, Humans…

Sakura: (Spits out tea) What was that last one?

Predator: Monsters.

Sakura: Oh, anyway, do you have any trophies!

Predator: (holds out skull)

Sakura: What the hell is that?

Predator: A skull. My people treat them as trophies. I've got like 1,000 of them at home.

Sakura: (eyes widen) (Jaw drops)

Predator: What?

Naruto: Oh, Predator! You're such a kidder! winks

Pedator: Oh, Yeah I'm just kidding!

Sakura: Oh! Wow you really had me going! (laughs)

Predator: Phew! That was close!

Sakura: What?

Predator: I said uh… Who wants toast? (Holds out toast)

Sakura: Uh…no thanks…

Predator: More for me! (Takes off mask) (Eats toast)

Sakura: screams

Predator: What? Is there something on my face?

Sakura: No! It's--

Predator: Please! My face is nothing compared to a platypus!

Sakura: Really?

Predator: (holds out picture of platypus)

Sakura: Faints

Predator: I rest my case, (Puts mask back on) now to admire my claws. (Takes out claws)

Sasuke: (walks in) SAKURA!!

Predator: Uh… Naruto did it. (Runs away) Woop! Woop! Woop! (Hits wall) OW!

Sasuke: (Looks at Naruto)

Naruto: He showed her a picture of a platypus.

Sasuke: Oh!

(That night)

Predator: Sorry about blaming you for Sakura.

Naruto: No problem. I would've done the same thing!

Predator (in thought): You double crossing son of a bitch!

Naruto: Well goodnight!

Predator: Goodnight… Traitor!

Naruto: What?

Predator: click click click click

Naruto: Wow! His snore is actually yawn soothing. (Falls asleep)

Predator: Sucker!

Sakura: satisfied grunt Oh… Sasuke… snore

Predator: Humph!

Sakura: Oh god! More Sasuke… Yes…

Predator: growls

Sakura: Oh Sasuke…Yes… oh yes… Ah…

Predator: Alright that's it! (Takes out duct tape)

(The next morning)

Naruto: yawn Good morning predator.

Predator: Same to you old pa-- Sweet god!

Naruto: What is it?

Predator: There's something devouring your head!

Naruto: What?

Predator: I'll save you! (Grabs Naruto's nightcap)

Naruto: What the hell?

Predator: Back to hell with thee foul demon! (Shoots nightcap)

Naruto: That was my nightcap.

Predator: You're welcome! Wait what?

Naruto: Oh well. I've got more. (opens drawer)

Predator: Sweet Jesus! It's a nest!

Naruto: sigh

Sakura: Predator!

Predator: Yes?

Sakura: Why was there Duct tape on my mouth when I woke up?

Predator: So I could get some damn shut eye!

Sakura: Why you…

Predator: By the way, you and Sasuke, ONLY in your dreams!

 Sakura: Sniffle Sniffle whimper Cries (runs away)

Naruto: (Looks at Predator)

Predator: What?

Naruto: Get out! (Points to front door)

(Back at Predator's apartment)

Predator: Well I had a good time. How about you guys?

Alien: It was alright.

Marth: I thought it was rather interesting.

Predator: Well I don't think Naruto will be visiting us for a while!

Alien: What did you do? Never mind, I don't want to know.

9

Meet Ness

ding dong

Marth: I'll get it. (opens door)

Kid: Hi Marth.

Marth: Holy Crap! Ness, is that you?

Ness: Yes it's me. So how's Roy?

Predator: He's in jail!

Ness: Who said that?

Predator: (walks to door) Yo!

Ness: Why is Roy in jail?

Predator: Armed Robbery.

Ness: Well, How about Young Link?

Predator: Took him down this morning!

Ness: Why?

Predator: R.W.I.

Ness: R.W.I.?

Predator: Riding while intoxicated.

Ness: That's a shame.

Predator: Yep!

Ness: Can I come in?

Predator: Sure.

(Later)

Ness: So yeah with no games for a while I figure I'll just settle in my apartment for now.

Predator: You've got an apartment?

Ness: Hell yeah!

Predator: Do you live with your parents.

Ness: No I live alone.

Predator: Oh, Cool. Do you want a beer?

Ness: Sure!

Marth: Oh, no you don't!

Predator: What? Why?

Marth: He's underage!

Predator: So?

Marth: It's Illegal!

Predator: I'll let it slide.

Marth: Well I for one am not going to stand idly by while you--

Ness: (Hits Marth in head with bat)

Marth: (falls unconscious)

Predator: THANK YOU!!

Ness: (Grabs beer) No problem! (Drinks beer)

Predator: Is he going to be alright?

Ness: He's endured worse!

Predator: He's bleeding pretty badly there.

Ness: Oh… crap!

Predator: Well, better finish the job. (Takes out Vile of dissolving fluid)

Marth: (wakes up) groan My head!

Ness: Told you!

Predator: Aw!

Marth: Remind me to--

Ness: Never piss me off right?

Marth: No, to kick your ass!

Predator: You do realize you're bleeding right?

Marth: I AM? (Looks at floor) Screams

Alien: sigh I'll call the hospital.

(at the hospital)

Doctor: Well Marth, the good news is you'll be just fine.

Marth: And the bad news?

Doctor: You'll need to stay here a week.

Marth: Crap.

(Meanwhile)

Predator: Hey bartender!

Bartender: Yes?

Predator: Sasuke?

Sasuke: Yes it's me!

Predator: You're a bartender? laughs

Ness: Ouch!

Sasuke: Just shut up and order your drinks!

Predator: Okay… Bartender! Laughs

Sasuke: growl

Predator: Two beers please.

Sasuke: coming up. (Pours Mugs)

Ness: So what's Sakura doing?

Sasuke: She's… a police officer.

Predator: NO FREAKING WAY!

Sasuke: Yep! Go figure!

Predator: I wonder how she looks in uniform.

Sasuke: Your about to find out! Here she comes!

Sakura: (Enters bar) Hi Sasuke!

Sasuke: Hey Sakura!

Ness: Wow!

Sakura: (Sees Ness) Is that a beer bottle in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Ness: Well actually… (Pulls out bat) it's my bat.

Sakura: Wait, aren't you a little young to be drinking?

Ness: If you don't want to end up in the E.R. you'll get off my back!

Predator: He's not kidding!

Sakura: Alright kid you're under arrest!

Predator: Actually I'm allowing this! (Holds out badge)

Sakura: What? You can't do that!

Predator: Yes I can, because I'm bigger than you!

Sakura: You got lucky kid! (Leaves bar)

Ness: Dude! (Looks at Predator) You and I are going to be great friends.

10

From Ino to Xeno

Predator: So then I say "Get down on the ground!"

Ness: Yeah…

Predator: Then he's like "screw you!"

Ness: And then…

Predator: Then I punched him in the face!

Ness: Laughs Nice!

ding dong

Predator: I'll get it! (Opens door) Alien! It's for you!

Alien: Alright! I'm coming! Hi Ino, thanks for coming!

Ino: No problem!

Alien: Come on, I'll give you a tour!

Ino: Thanks.

Ness: My god! She's hot!

Predator: Kid? snap snap snap Yep! He's been petrified by hotness!

Marth: Whatever that means!

Predator: Where did you come from?

(elsewhere)

Alien: And this is my room! As you can see it's covered in slime!

Ino: I noticed.

(Flashes to Predator's room)

Alien: Here we have Predator's room! Best not too touch anything especially the skulls.

Ino: Really? (Pokes skull) touch!

Predator: (Busts in) ROAR (tackles Ino) Touch my skulls again! Do it!

Ino: Can't… breathe…

Predator: Yeah! That's what I thought. (Leaves)

Ino: Gasp pant pant pant

Alien: Okay you had that coming!

Ino: Yeah! I guess so!

(Flashes to main room)

Alien: So anyway that's pretty much all there is to see!

Ino: What about this room?

Alien: NO! NOT THE--

Ino: (opens door)

Facehugger: (Clings to Ino)

Ino: (Falls unconscious)

Alien: Basement.

Predator: Hey have you seen my-- (Sees Ino) Ooh! Tough break!

Alien: Can't you get it off?

Predator: I'll try.

(15 minutes later)

Predator: Well it's off!

Alien: Thank god!

Predator: Oh, Sure! Thank God for what I did, because it was totally him who did it!

Alien: Calm down! It was a figure of speech!

Predator: You're a figure of speech!

Alien: Real mature comeback!

Predator: Yeah, well… Your momma!

Alien: Oh HELL no!

Predator: Oh hell yes!

Alien: Oh it's on! hiss (sticks out second mouth)

Predator: Bring it on bitch! roar (Takes out claws) (Takes out shoulder cannon)

Alien: Oh, that's just plain not fair!

Predator: What now bitch? What now?

Alien: (Stabs shoulder cannon)

Predator: Hey! No fair!

Alien: Oh, that's coming the one who's COVERED IN WEAPONS!!

Predator: Oh yeah. (Takes out javelin)

Alien: Oh what the hell?

Predator: (charges at Alien) Take this you--

Ness: Ino is awake!

Predator: Alright! Let's go see her!

Alien: So Ino, how do you feel?

Ino: I've got a slight headache and sore throat, but I'm okay!

Alien: Thank God! I mean Predator!

Predator: See? That wasn't too hard now was it?

Ness: But I know what is hard!

Marth: Ness!

Ness: What? I was going to say Earthbound!

Ino: groan pant pant groan

Ness: Was it something I said?

Ino: groan screams (goes into convulsions) (chest bulges)

Alien: I thought you said you got the facehugger off!

Predator: What? I never said that! It just fell off eventually!

Alien: Then that means…

Ino: screams

Chestburter: (erupts Ino's chest) sreech

Ness: P.K. Mind swap!

(Blue aura surrounds and enters Chestburster)

Chestburster: screech (Slithers away)

Alien: What was that?

Ness: I put Ino's mind into that thing!

Alien: Quick thinking! I didn't know you could do that!

Predator: We can NOT tell Naruto!

Marth: Oh, I'm sure he'll understand!

Alien: I'll find Ino! You, Predator, tell Naruto what happened!

Predator: Aw!

Marth: I'll go with you. You might need protection.

(At Naruto's)

Naruto: Predator? What are you doing here?

Predator: Umm… It's about Ino.

Naruto: Ino? What about her?

Predator: Well… She's… been turned in to an alien.

Naruto: WHAT?

Predator: Hey! She stuck her nose where it didn't belong!

Naruto: (goes Super Kyubi) Change… her… back!

Predator: Well it's not that simple!

Naruto: Rasengan!

Predator: OKAY! OKAY! OKAY! OKAY! I'll see what I can do!

Naruto: You'd better! Because if you don't, your skulls pay the price!

Predator: gulp

(meanwhile)

Alien: Ino! It's me Alien!

Ino: sob sob

Alien: Ino?

Ino: Don't look at me I'm hideous! A monster! A freak of nature! sob

Alien: I resent that!

Ino: Sorry! sniffle I forgot!

Alien: Listen, Ness and Predator are repairing your body so you can be human again!

Ino: sniffle R-really?

Alien: Yes, don't ask how though!

Ino: Good!

Alien: It's going to be a while so you better get used being a xenomorph for now.

Ino: sigh You're right!

Alien: Don't worry I'll help you through it.

Ino: Thanks.

Alien: Okay, we better get started this is starting to sound like we're falling in love.

Predator: It's ready!

Alien: Wow! That was quick! Well thank god this is over!

Predator: HEY!!

11

Goodbye sweet prince

Marth: Guys! Good news!

Predator: You're coming out of the closet?

Marth: They're done remodeling my apartment!

Alien: Great! Well I guess this means you'll be leaving us!

Marth: Yep! Guess so!

Predator: THANK YOU GOD!!

Alien: I look forward to visiting you!

Marth Yeah, about that…

Alien: What's wrong?

Marth: I… I got a callback from Nintendo!

Alien: And…

Marth: I've been asked to star in Fire Emblem DS!

Alien: Great!

Predator: Just what the DS needs… more garbage!

Marth: So I'm going back to Japan to work on the game!

Alien: Oh… I get it. So I guess this is goodbye for a while!

Predator: REALLY? OH MY GOD YES! THANKYOU!!

Marth: My flight leaves tomorrow. So I just wanted to say… goodbye dear friend!

Ness: You do know that Fire Emblem DS Is just a remake of the original right?

Marth: Oh… Well… this is awkward…

Predator: groan

Alien: So does this mean you'll still visit?

Marth: Oh sure! I better get a refund on this plane ticket!

Alien: Good Idea!

Predator: Why Ness? Why?

Ness: You may not like him, but Marth is still my friend.

Predator: You wanted to piss me off right?

Ness: Bingo! Now let's get drunk!

Predator: One step ahead of you old friend!

Ness: Good Job!

Alien: Well now that they're gone, let's check out your place!

Marth: Okay!

(At Marth's apartment)

Alien: Nice!

Marth: Yeah! It's amazing what you can buy when you're royalty!

Alien: I'll say!

Marth: So anyway here's the Giant Plasma screen H.D. TV.

Alien: Damn!

Marth: And below it we have my Nintendo Wii!

Alien: Sweet!

Marth: And here's my Jacuzzi!

Alien: You are loaded!

Marth: Yeah! Come on I'll show you the bedroom.

Alien: I can't wait to see this!

(at the bedroom)

Marth: So… what do you think?

Alien: It's… Amazing!!

Marth: Really? You don't think that the statues of me are too much?

Alien: They make you look like a GOD!!

Marth: Thanks!

Alien: What's that?

Marth: That's my bed.

Alien: THAT'S your bed? It's huge! And it's got your face all over it!

Marth: Yeah! It's pretty awesome!

(Meanwhile)

Predator: Sasuke! 2 more beers!

Sasuke: (Gives beer)

Ness: You seem happy!

Predator: Well Fulgore did just give me a raise!

Ness: Alright Predator! Wait Fulgore?

Predator: Yeah! He's the Chief!

Ness: But isn't he evil?

Predator: He used too be. (Sips beer)

Ness: What happened?

Predator: Some kid went up to him and said "stop being evil!" so he did!

Ness: Wow Really? (Sips beer)

Predator: Yep! (Sips Beer) sigh Go figure!

Ness: Check it out! Sakura's coming!

Sakura: Hey guys! What's going on?

Predator: Marth's leaving!!

Sakura: L-leaving? You mean just to another apartment right?

Predator: Sadly yes.

Sakura: Oh, thank god!

Predator: Why? What's that supposed to mean?

Sakura: Uh… no reason!

 Ness: You think he's hot. Don't deny it, I'm psychic!

Sakura: How could I not? He's so in touch with his feminine side!

Predator: How?

Sakura: He wears a tiara!

Predator: That explains it! cough Gay!

Sakura: And that hair… Oh my god it makes him look so handsome!

Ness: It makes him look gay!

Sakura: And that physique! Oh he is just so hot!

Predator: Ness how'd you fit a bottle of Champaign in your pocket?

Ness: This isn't Champaign, (pulls out bottle) it is sparkling wine!

Predator: They're the same thing! But that still doesn't explain how it fits in your pocket.

Sakura: Speaking of Marth where is that stud muffin?

(Back with Marth and Alien)

Marth: Cannon ball! (Jumps into pool) Isn't this great Alien? Alien? Hello?

Alien: (Leaps from water) screech

Matrh: Oh dear God!

Alien: laughs Oh that was fun!

Marth: You jerk! (Splashes Alien)

Alien: Race you to the other side!

Marth: You're on! Ready…

Alien: Set…

Ike: Hey guys!

Marth: Ike! Looking good!

Alien: "Nice" Speedo!

Ike: Thanks! What's your name?

Alien: Alien! Now come in the water's great!

Marth: Oh, it gets better! (Claps twice)

(Waves form in pool)

Alien: A wave pool! Dude!

Marth: Hey Ike! Do you Signature Dive!

Ike: Okay! Alien stand here!

Alien: Okay now what?

Ike: (throws alien into the air) (starts attacking alien) GREAT…

Alien: screams in pain

Ike: AETHER!! (Crashes Into water) How was that Alien?

Alien: (floats to surface) gasp You did all that with a wet noodle?

Ike: That's what she said!

Marth: Nice! (High fives Ike)

12

Chasing Chasers

Predator: Sasuke! Two beers now!

Sasuke: (hands mugs to Predator and Ness) Here you go!

Ness: (Sips beer) So how's life as a cop Predator?

Predator: It's cool. (Sips beer) But it does get tough sometimes.

Sakura: I'll say.

Marth: (walks in) Hey Sasuke!

Sasuke: Hi Marth, red wine correct?

Marth: Yes!

Predator: Wuss!

Marth: beep you! (Sips wine)

Sakura: blushes Such a man!

Marth: Oh, hi Sakura!

Sakura: Uh… (Sips drink) What are you doing here?

Marth: Well I just moved into my new apartment so I'm celebrating!

Sakura: Oh, Good for you! (Sips drink)

Marth: So is that white wine you're drinking?

Sakura: Oh, yes!

Ness: I think I know where this is going! Winks (Nudges Predator)

Sakura: (Punches Ness) Shut up prick! Sorry about that.

Marth: Don't worry. That's just what Ness is like. He's a good kid

Sakura in thought: Wow! He's so tolerant!

Marth: So anyways I'd best get going see you! (Blows kiss)

Sakura: faints

Predator: Light weight! (Sips beer)

5 hours later

Sakura: wakes up groan

Alien: Are you alright?

Sakura: Fine!

Alien: Are you sure?

Sakura: Yeah!

Alien: Here let me help you up. (Pulls up Sakura)

Sakura: Thanks!

Alien: What happened anyway?

Sakura: I fell in love!

Alien: Well you definitely fell that's for sure!

Sakura: giggles

Alien: So I'm going to guess you're referring to my good friend Marth.

Sakura: Actually yes! blushes

Alien: I'm Alien.

Sakura: Haruno, Sakura Haruno.

Alien: Come on let's get you home!

(meanwhile)

Predator and Ness: Lola! L-L-L-L-Lola! L-L-L-L-Lola!

DJ: Thank you! Ness and Predator! Let's hear it!

(Applause)

Ino: Great Job guys!

Ness: Thanks! Predator, you are a genius! Karaoke night… brilliant!

Man: And up next, it's Ino Yamanka with I Will Survive!

Ino: That's my queue! (Runs on stage) At first I was afraid, I was petrified!

Ness: She looks SO hot in that light!

Predator: Dude her singing is great!

Ness: That's not the only thing great about her!

Predator: You perverted little bastard!

Ness: I was talking about her personality!

Predator: Oh!

Ino: Oh no! Not I! I will survive!

Later

Ness: That was WILD!

Ino: Yeah!

Ness: Well see you tomorrow guys.

Ino: See you Ness! Oh, hey can I crash at one of your places! Mine's being fumigated.

Ness: Sure you can sleep with me!

Ino: WHAT?

Ness: Err… At my place… O-On a different bed… Alone! Wow that was awkward!

Predator: I'll say!

Ness: So anyway how about it?

Ino: Sure!

Predator: Goodnight guys!

The Next Day

Ness: (Rings Predator's doorbell)

Alien: (opens door) Ness RUN!!

Ness: Why?

Alien: Predator has a hangover, and we're out of chasers!!

Ness: So? How bad could that be?

Predator: ROAR (Plows down front door) (runs away)

Ness: Damn!

Alien: We are so screwed!!

Predator: CHASER!! I NEED A CHASER!! (Blows up car) (Runs to bar)

Ness: Wow!

Predator: SASUKE! CHASERS! NOW!

Sasuke: Sorry! I'm all out!

Predator: roars

Sasuke: Look they have chasers at the drug store!

Predator: CHASERS!! (Jumps out window) AHHHHHHHHHH!!

Ness: Predator definitely came through here, and is now headed for the drug store!

Cashier: Thank you! Come again!

Ness: I need a steel bat now!

Cashier: Excuse me?

Ness: You know a steel bat!

Cashier: Kid, this is a drug store!

Ness: I know now give me a freaking bat!

Cashier: We don't HAVE any bats!

Ness: Some drug store you are!

Predator: I'll say! These Chasers are horrible tasting!

Cashier: Those are Anti-de--

Ness: (eyes widen) P.K. Fire!

Cashier: scream of anguish It BURNS!!

Predator: Lousy service!

Ness: Oh Yeah!

13

Predator's spare time

Fulgore: Sakura! Predator! Shift's over!

Sakura: Bye sir!

Predator: Groan Well I guess I'll hit the bar!

(At the bar)

Ness: Hey Predator!

Predator: Ness! Ino! How are you?

Ino: Fine! (Sips drink)

Predator: And you Ness?

Ness: Okay!

Predator: So (sits down) what's tonight's plan?

Ino: Square dancing!

Predator: Bye!

Ness: She's kidding!

Ino: Yeah!

Predator: Oh, thank God!

Ness: We're not sure what the plan is.

Predator: Let's see it Thursday Snaps fingers so…Shoot the crap out of stuff night!

Ness: YES!!

Ino: Sweet! My second time with a gun!

15 minutes later…

Ness: Say hello to my little friend! The SUPER SCOPE!! (Shoots Tree)

Predator: Wow! Look at all the animals falling out!

Ino: My turn! (Grabs Spartan Laser)

Ness: Where'd you get THAT?

Ino: Let's just say I have my ways!

Ness: You swiped that from Master Chief didn't you?

Ino: Maybe…

Ness: Alright let's see what that baby can do! Shoot me!

Ino: What?

Ness: Do it!

Ino: sigh Alright! (Aims at Ness) Nice knowing you kid!

Predator: Not it for cleaning him up!

Ino: Oh, the wolves will take care of that! (Charges laser)

Predator: There are wolves out here?

Ino: (Shoots Gun)

(Smoke clears)

Ino: Holy beep

Ness: Aw! HELL Yeah!

Predator: Dude! Your Freaking Ripped! The Governor's got nothing on you!

Ino: How'd you DO that?

Ness: Absorb Shield!!

Predator: Alright my turn! (Locks on plane) Take this duck!

Ness: Wait Predator I that's an--

Predator: (Fire's Shoulder cannon)

(Plane goes down and crashes into small town and explodes)

All: (Jaw drops)

Predator: Ino! What the beep man?

Ness: Seriously!

Ino: I didn't mean to!

Ness: Whatever! Let's just go! Go! Go!

All: (runs away)

The next day…

TV Reporter: In other news the culprit behind the plane crash last night has been found!

Predator: Ino you are so going to get it now!

TV Reporter: The culprit was identified to be Chief Fulgore of the HPD!

All: What?

TV Reporter: The governor had this to say after questioning!

Arnold: Though he disgraced our beloved state with his actions it could not be helped.

Predator: Screams (hides behind couch)

Ino: What's with him?

Ness: You saw his movie!

Arnold: His Ultratech programming took over his senses and he lost control.

Reporter: But Mr. Governor, how can you sympathize with him over this?

Arnold: His Primary Mission was to terminate his target no matter what!

Reporter: Again, how can you sympathize with him over this?

Arnold: Didn't you see the Terminator?

Reporter: No!

Arnold: Arrest that man!

Ness: (Turns off TV)

Predator: Is he gone?

Ness: Yes he's gone!

Predator: Good! That was scary!

Ness: Well Ino, look's like you dodged the bullet!

Ino: Well now there's only one question left.

Predator: Which is?

Ino: What happened when YOU shot at the plane?

Predator: Me?

Ness: Predator let's face it! You did it and you know it!

Predator: Yeah!

Ness: As for Ino's question all I can say is who cares?

Ino: Amen to that!

14

Home Away From Home Alone

Alien: Bye Ness! Make sure you take care of the place while we're gone!

Ness: Okay!

Predator: I love when he says that!

Alien: He loves to say it.

Ness: sigh (Turns on TV)

Reporter: In other news, the Horror Mafia is still at large!

Ness: Ooh! This sounds interesting!

Reporter: It probably is!

Ness: What?

Reporter: As far as we know the Horror Mafia consists of these members.

Ness: (Turns up volume)

Reporter: Jason Voorhees, Freddy Kruger, Michael Myers and Leatherface.

Ness: No surprises there!

Reporter: No surprises Indeed!

Ness: Huh?

Reporter: Although there leader still has yet to be identified, He sent this video.

Leader: We are the Horror Mafia! We are a force sent from Hell!

Ness: Oh, Come on! it's freaking Pinhead! The silhouette hides nothing!

Elsewhere…

Freddy: Sir! You better have a look at this! (Plays video of Ness)

Pinhead: Damn it! I told you I was too obvious!

Freddy: Hey! It was the best we could do in such short notice!

Pinhead: Whatever! Just find the kid and kill him!

Freddy: Don't you mean whack him?

Pinhead: Why the hell would I want to whack him? I want him dead not hurt!

Hannibal: Actually sir, "Whack" Is a mob term for Kill!

Pinhead: Well how am I supposed to know that? Whatever! Just kill him!

Freddy: Yes sir! (Leaves)

Pinhead: sigh Idiot!

(Back with Ness)

ring ring

Ness: Hello?

Freddy: Were watching you Ness!

Ness: What? How?

Freddy: Look to your left!

Ness: (looks) How long has that camera been there?

Freddy: Pretty much through out the whole story!

Ness: And I never noticed?

Freddy: It's cleverly hidden!

Ness: It's on a huge stand next to the sofa! How is that clever?

Freddy: More like how clever is that?

Ness: Do you realize that I'm not in the least bit scared and can easily trace this call?

Freddy: Yeah, well… Grunt (hangs up)

ding dong

Ness: (walks to door) Let's see judging from the buzzing I'm guessing Leatherface.

Leatherface: Grunt

Ness: (opens door) Yep!

Leatherface: (Lifts up chainsaw) Insane Laughter

Ness: (Hits Leatherface in balls with Bat)

Leatherface: (Eyes widen) (drops chainsaw) grunt (Passes out)

Ness: (Teleports Leatherface back) Too easy!

(The next day)

ding dong

(Friday the 13th music plays)

Ness: Could he be anymore obvious?

ding dong

Ness: Let's see knowing Jason he soaked with lake water so… Got it!

ding dong

Ness: (Opens door) PK Thunder! (Shocks the crap out of Jason) (Teleports Jason)

The next day…

ding dong

Ness: sigh (answers door) Michael.

Michael: (Swings Knife Randomly)

Ness: (Bats Michael in shin)

Michael: (Falls down)

Ness: (Grabs Michael's Knife) I'll take that! (Closes door)

(That night)

Ness: Okay, so I'm asleep, I already beat up the 3 of Pinheads goons so…

Freddy: 1…2… Freddy's coming for you!

Ness: Just as I expected.

Freddy: 3…4… Better lock your door! 5… 6… Grab your Crucifix!

Ness: You almost done?

Freddy: Shut up! 7… 8… Going to stay up late!

Ness: sigh

Freddy: 9… 10… (Appears From dark vortex) Freddy's back again!!

Ness: (Claps hands) Bravo Kruger! Bravo!

Freddy: Thanks!

Ness: I thought your performance was unbelievable!

Freddy: Well I try.

Ness: I thought you were so unbelievable that… (closes eyes)

Freddy: Where are you going with this kid?

Ness: I don't believe in you!

Freddy: Say again?

Ness: I don't believe in you! I don't believe in you! I don't believe in you!

Freddy: Well I'll make you believe bitch! (Swipes at Ness) (Claws break) Huh?

Ness: I don't believe in you! I don't believe in you! I don't believe in you!

Freddy: No! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! (Disappears)

(That morning)

Alien: Ness we're home! Anything happen while we were gone!

Ness: Nothing to unusual.

15

Night Time Madness

Predator: Well it's Karaoke night once again! Bye Alien!

Alien: Ooh Karaoke! Can I come?

Predator: Fine!

Alien: Sweet!

At the bar…

Ness: Hi Predator!

Ino: Hey! Alien! I didn't know you sang!

Alien: THAT'S what karaoke is?

Predator: What'd you think it was?

Alien: A Sushi bar…

Predator: And you're supposed to be the smart one?

Alien: Shut up! Hey is that Marth singing?

Marth: Don't stop… Believing! Hold on to that feeling!

Predator: Oh Yeah! He drives all the girls insane!

Marth: Thank you all! Thank you!

D.J.: Alright! Next we have Ness with Honesty!

Ness: If you search for tenderness… It isn't hard to find…

Marth: Wow! Ness has an awesome voice!

Predator: You should see him when he sings Queen!

Ino: sigh It's moments like these that I almost find him attractive!

Predator: You say that about every singer when you're wasted!

Ino: You're right! Y-you are so smart! You know? Because like… yeah!

Predator: I'm aware of that!

Ino: N-no! No! I-I really mean it you're so smart! You know everything!

Alien: I definitely know you're drunk!

Ino: Laughs You're funny! You're really funny! sigh Falls Whoops!

Ness: So what'd you think of me?

Alien: Well, with all "Honesty" I though you SUCKED! Laughs

Ino: (Raises hand) What'd I say? Funny! chuckles sigh (arm drops) Ouch!

Ness: (Bats Alien in shins)

Alien: screams in pain Damn it! beep grunt Ouch!

Ness: Now for Ino! (Raises bat)

Predator: Hold up Ness! She can't help herself! She's wasted… so not too hard!

Ness: That's what she said!

Predator: laughs Nice! Also avoid the face!

Ness: She said that too!

Predator: Laughs Nice! (High fives Ness) Okay give her hell!

Ness: With Pleasure!! (Knocks Ino unconscious) Well that was fun!

The next morning…

Ino: Groan What a night! Wait, this isn't my apartment!

Ness: Yeah, About that! You see during the fumigation the termites retaliated by…

Ino: By…

Ness: Eating your apartment.

Ino: WHAT?

Ness: But, we we're able to save your stuff so basically… Welcome home room mate!

Ino: Well I've stayed here before, I can do it again.

Ness: Only this time it's forever!

Ino: At least we're good friends so we can live with few problems.

Ness: I guess so. (Turns on TV)

Ino: So what's your job?

Ness: You're kidding right? I'm 13!

Ino: Then how'd you afford this?

Ness: Well my family is apparently loaded.

Ino: Really?

Ness: Yeah! My dad puts like 500 in my account every five minutes!

Ino: Damn!

Ness: I mean don't get me wrong, I'd totally get a job if I could!

Ino: Well how come you can drink then if your 13?

Ness: I saved the planet! I think I EARNED the right to drink under aged!

Ino: You saved the planet?

Ness: Yep, I saved the planet from Giygas!

Ino: Who?

Ness: Exactly! Ancient history! Oh! "Whose line is it anyway?" is on!

Ino: Turn it up!

Predator: (Walks in) Hi guys!

Ness: Damn Predator Nice armor! Wait that's Spartan armor!!

Predator: Yeah! Every one on the force has it! It's the new uniform!

Ino: How were the police able to afford Spartan armor?

Predator: Master Chief is the new chief of police!

Ness: Cool!

Predator: What's better, we all get assigned Magnums AND Needlers!

Ness: As Standard weapons?

Predator: Yep!

Ness: Sweet! You got to hook me up man!

Predator: I'm already working on it! Uh-oh L-24 in progress! See you at the bar guys!

Ness: Bye!

Predator: (runs out door)

Ino: Wow! It must a lot of fun being a cop!

Ness: You have NO idea!

Ino: How do you know?

Ness: Predator showed me what it was like to be a cop by taking me to work with him!

Ino: Why wasn't I invited?

Ness: We didn't know you yet!

Ino: Oh! Okay!

Alien: Hi Ness! Hi Ino!

Ness: Hi Alien! What's up?

Alien: Have you seen Marth around lately?

Ness: Try the bar. He said he was going to go for a drink of wine.

Alien: Thanks! (Leaves)

Ness: You know, I think I'll go get a drink too! (Runs out door)

Ino: Wait up! (Follows Ness)

At the bar…

Predator: Ah yes the bar! The one place where I can be free!

Alien: (Runs in) Marth!

Predator: Ruined by the one I hate the second most!

Marth: Alien! Come on! Have a drink with us!

Alien: Eh, why not?

Marth: Sasuke! Another Wine!

Sasuke: sigh (Pours drink)

Alien: Hey Sasuke, I've been meaning to ask you something.

Sasuke: Go ahead.

Alien: You were one of the best ninjas in the village, so why are you a bartender?

Sasuke: Well you see it all started when--

Ness: (Busts in) Hi guys!

Ino: Hey Predator! Tonight's shooting night right?

Predator: You got it!

Ino: But right now, let's get wasted!

Sasuke: and that's pretty much how it happened.

Alien: So you actually wanted to be a bartender rather than a ninja?

Sasuke: It's been my life's dream since I was a boy.

Predator: That explains why you were always so emo when you were a ninja!

Sasuke: Yes! That's exactly the reason.

Ino: You mean it wasn't because Itachi killed your whole clan?

Sasuke: Uh… about that.

Ino: What? (Sips drink)

Sasuke: I… Framed him for that and made him believe he did it!

Ino: (Spits drink) WHAT?

Sasuke: Well they didn't support me in my dream to become a bartender so…

Ness: Something had to be done?

Sasuke: Yep!

Ness: I hear that!

Ino: Then why did you want him dead?

Sasuke: I was afraid he would discover the truth and Tell… Mom…on… me… crap!

Ness: (Falls on ground laughing)

Predator: Dude! You've been chasing your brother through the whole series for nothing!

Ino: Awkward!

Sasuke: Wow! I feel stupid!

Ness: sigh That's funny!

Marth: But couldn't he just tell someone else on you?

Sasuke: Everyone sees him as a criminal! Do you really think anyone would believe him?

Alien: He DOES have a point!

Sakura: (Walks in) Hi guys! (Gazes at Marth) Hey Marth!

Ness: Oh, brother!

Ino: I'll say!

Predator: Come on let's go shoot stuff!! (Runs out door)

Ness: Coming! (Follows Predator)

Ino: Wait up! (Follows Ness)

Alien: What are they up to now?

Sasuke: They're going out to shoot stuff.

Alien: WHAT?

Sasuke: They do it every Thursday.

Alien: Oh… I got to go! (Walks away) (Comes back) The exits THIS way! (Leaves)

Sakura: So Marth… I guess it's just you and me now! (Grins)

Marth: sigh Oh boy!

(At the field)

Predator: I brought some guns from work this time! (Holds out bag)

Ness: Sweet!

Ino: Awesome!

Predator: For Ness (Reaches in bag) a needler! (Hands needler to Ness)

Ness: Okay!

Predator: And for Ino (Reaches in bag) an S.M.G. (Hands SMG to Ino)

Ino: Now we're talking!

Predator: (activates flash bomb) Initiating count down! Run! Run! Run! (Runs away)

Ness: (Teleports)

Ino: (Teleports)

(Bomb goes off)

Ness: Time to move! (Peeks from rock) Ino 12:00! (Shoots like crazy)

Ino: (Becomes log)

Ness: Touché!

Ino: (Shoots at Ness)

Ness: Whoa! (Dodges bullets) (Shoots Ino) Chuckles

Predator: (shoots at Ness)

Ness: AH! (Falls) (Gets up) (Looks for Predator) Where are you?

Ino: (Shoots at Ness)

Ness: Grunt (Shoots Ino)

Predator: (Throws disk at Ness)

Ness: (Dodges)

Ino: (get hit by disc) groan groan (coughs up blood) (looks up)

Ness: (Shoots Ino Between eyes) Okay! (Gets stabbed by javelin) (Dies)

Predator: (Uses Phoenix down on Ino and Ness) That was fun!

Ness: Hell yeah!

Ino: Definitely!

Predator: Well good night guys! (Leaves)

Ness: Good night! Come on Ino!

Ino: Coming!

(At the apartment)

Alien: Did you have fun with you little toys?

Predator: Yes, but I had more fun with my guns!

Alien: Well how did that go?

Predator: I killed them both!

Alien: Ouch! Sorry to here that!

Predator: Oh, don't worry, we had Phoenix downs!

Alien: Oh, Well that's always nice to here! (Turns up TV)

Reporter: In other news a local cop was found shot to the point of death before rescued.

Alien: Wow!

Reporter: Wow indeed!

Alien: What?

Reporter: The victim was identified as Sakura Haruno!

Alien: WHAT?

Reporter: Her body was found in Local Field.

Predator: Local Field?

Reporter: Yes! Local Field! Police chief Master Chief had this to say!

Master Chief: Judging from the wounds, she seemed to have been hit by a needler.

Predator: Needler?

Master Chief: One of the needles appears to have hit one of her smoke grenades.

Predator: (Turns Invisible) (Runs away)

Alien: Predator you wouldn't know anything about this would you?

(At Ness' house)

Knock Knock Knock

Ino: I'll get it. (Walks to door)

Predator: (Breaks down door) NESS!!

Ino: (Gets hit by door)

Predator: Sorry Ino!

Ino: (Gives thumbs up)

Ness: I saw the report! How lucky are we huh?

Predator: What are you saying?

Ness: They got the wrong guy!

Predator: Who'd they get?

Ness: A teddy bear!

Predator: Wow! The people I work with are idiots!

Ness: I'll say! Um… Maybe you should get off Ino!

Predator: Oh, Sorry! (Gets off door)

Ino: (gets up) Gasp

Predator: Sorry again about the whole door thing!

Ino: No problem. (Brushes of arms)

Ness: Never the less we have to be more careful with the guns!

Predator: You're joking right?

Ness: Yeah!

Predator: Good! Now since we're all here, let's get wasted!

Ness: WHOO!

Ino: Now you're talking!

(Back with Alien)

Alien: So anyway Sakura got shot.

Marth: Oh, That sucks.

Alien: She's alive though!

Marth: Oh, That sucks.

Alien: Chuckles You're kidding correct?

Marth: Pretty obvious!

Alien: Anyways, How's it been with you?

Marth: Great! Simply wonderful!

Alien: That bad huh?

Marth: I'm so damn Lonely! (Sips Drink) sob

Alien: Really?

Marth: NO! Laughs

Alien: laughs

ding dong

Alien: That must be Ike! (Answers door) Ike! Come in.

Ike: Thank you!

Alien: So anyway how have you been Ike?

Ike: Fine! Fine!

Alien: You know, I've noticed something we never do anything fun!

Ike: You know you're right!

Marth: Let's go out and do something fun tonight!

Alien: First we must think of something!

Ike: How about--

Alien: We're not going to burn things Ike!

Ike: Aw! Well then how about we stab, slice, cut and destroy things?

Alien: NO!!

Ike: PLEASE!!

Marth: NO!!

Ike: Fine!

Alien: Hmm… (Snaps fingers) I got it!

(At the park)

Man: Oh dear! I do hope I Get home in time for dinner!

Alien: (Leaps From bush) Hiss

Man: Screams (runs away)

Alien: laughs That was awesome!

Marth: My turn! Here comes someone!

Man: What a great night for a walk!

Marth: (Leaps from bush) I'm the bush Man!

Man: (Runs away screaming)

Marth: laughs

Alien: Bushman?

Marth: I don't know either.

Ike: My turn!

Woman: Just walking along!

Ike: (Leaps From bush) shouts (Slices head Woman's head off)

Marth: Dude! What the beep man?

Ike: What?

Alien: You just beep Killed someone!

Ike: What? Was I not supposed to?

Alien: Not like that no! Everyone knows you eat the body after the kill!

Ike: But I'm not a cannibal!

Alien: Oh, Right! Well give it here then no use letting it go to waste!

Ike: (gives body to Alien)

Alien: You may want to look away! (Ferociously eats body)

Marth: I'll never sleep well again!

Alien: Hey I resent that remark, but I guess I can't blame you.

Marth: Well you do eat humans!

Alien: Yes, that's true.

Marth: Oh, here comes Predator!

Ike: Okay get ready!

Predator: (walks by)

Marth: Hi Predator!

Predator: Holy crap! (Shoots Marth) (Pummels Marth)

Marth: Predator it's me Marth!

Predator: (stops) Oh… Sorry!

Alien: Dude!

Predator: Well what'd you expect? I'm freaking Predator! I attack if provoked!

Marth: I taste blood!

Predator: Well you had it coming queer! Hey what are you guys doing anyway?

Alien: We decided to have a special activity for each day of the week!

Predator: Really?

Alien: Yep! Tonight's scare the crap out of people night!

Predator: No way! That's what we're doing!

Marth: Wow!

Predator: So what's your method?

Alien: Well we wait for people to walk by and just jump out of this bush!

Predator: …That's it?

Alien: Yep!

Predator: Oh, come on! I expected a lot more from a horror star!

Alien: Oh Yeah? I'd like to see you do any better!

Predator: Watch and learn! (Becomes invisible)

Man: (walks by)

rustle rustle

Man: Hello? Is someone there?

Predator: growl

Man: H-hello?

Predator: (throws smoke bomb)

Man: What's happening? Who's there?

Predator: (becomes visible) growls (slowly walks toward man)

Man: (Backs away) (Trips)

Predator: (takes out claws) (approaches Man) (takes off mask)

Man: whimper

Predator: Roar

Man: (Runs away screaming)

Predator: THAT'S how it's done!

Marth: Damn!

Alien: And I thought I was the scary one!

Marth: What did you think Ike? Ike?

Ike: …

Marth: I think he's Petrified!

Predator: He'll be fine in about five minutes!

Ness: Nice one Predator!

Predator: Thanks Ness! Well I hope you all learned something from that! See you!

Alien: Bye!

Predator: (Walks away)

Alien: Well I guess we should go home then!

Marth: Yeah good Idea!

(Back at the apartment)

Predator: What's with all the guns?

Alien: I'm hooking a security system up to my room!

Predator: Am I really THAT scary!

Alien: No! I'm just sick of you sneaking into my room so you can draw on my face!

Predator: Trust me if it were me, It would be more then just drawing stuff on you!

Alien: Whatever! the point is I'm tired of waking up with drawings on my face!

Predator: Okay Goodnight!

(The next morning)

Alien: Son of a bitch! Those damn raccoons!

Predator: So much for your security system!

Alien: Oh shut up!

Predator: Look, all you need to do is turn it on! (Flicks switch)

Alien: I hate you so much!

16

Night of the living dearly departed

Pinhead: What the hell is wrong with you guys?

All: Sorry sir!

Pinhead: Why are you apologizing to me? Apologize to yourselves!

Freddy: Why?

Pinhead: You got beat up by a KID!!

Chucky: Yeah seriously you guys suck!

Pinhead: Shut up Chucky!

Chucky: Yes sir.

Pinhead: Looks like I'm left with no choice! Send out Jaws!

(At the apartment)

ding dong

Alien: I'll get it! (Answers door) Why is there a dead great white shark at our door?

Predator: Sweet! Fresh meat! (Drags in shark)

Alien: Gross!

Predator: Yeah that's coming from a guy with 2 mouths!

Alien: Son of a bitch Predator!

Pinhead: What do you mean Jaws is dead?

Hannibal: Well sharks do need to be in water to breathe as well as constantly in motion.

Pinhead: Damn it! I just put him on the front porch!

Hannibal: That would explain it!

Pinhead: Well what am I supposed to do now?

Hannibal: Well you could try zombies.

Pinhead: Thank you Hannibal! Zombies Arise!

(Meanwhile with predator)

Predator: More shark anyone?

Marth: Hey guys, check this out!

Reporter: In other news there have been sightings of zombies in the area!

Ike: Zombies?

Reporter: That's right Ike! Zombies!

Ike: Wait What?

Reporter: Mr. Zombie, what is the reason for this rampage?

Zombie: Well we've been summoned by our masters to take out a kid named Ness.

Reporter: And what might Ness look like?

Zombie: He's small, has a huge head…

Ness: Hey!

Zombie: Wears a red hat, striped shirt and blue shorts.

Reporter: Is this him? (Holds out picture of Ness)

Zombie: No, That's just a picture of him. (Points to Ness) That's him there!

Ness: What?

Reporter: Where?

Zombie: He's right outside the TV! Get him! (Breaks through TV screen)

Ness: What the hell?

Zombie: groan

Ness: How'd he do that?

Predator: Quick! Change the channel!

Ness: He broke the TV Screen!

Predator: That crafty son of a bitch!

Alien: But, Why are they going after you Ness?

Ness: Call it a hunch, but I think they were sent by the Horror Mafia!

Alien: What? The Horror Mafia?

Ness: Yeah! They put a hit on me!

Alien: Why would they put a hit on you?

Ness: I found out that their leader is actually Pinhead! Oops!

Alien: What?

Ness: By telling you the identity of their leader I put you all on the hit list!

All: Son of a bitch Ness!

Zombie: Groan

Predator: Shut up you! (Shoots zombie in head)

Ness: Nice shot! Now let's get to the roof!

Ino: What makes you think we'll be safe up there?

Ness: Zombies are scared of heights!

Marth: Wait, why are you in command?

Ness: Because I've dealt with zombies before! Now let's go! (Runs to roof)

Ike: Good enough for me!

All: (follow Ness)

(On the roof)

Alien: Wow! Look at all the Dead video game and Anime characters!

Ike: There's Aeries from Final Fantasy 7!

Ino: And there's The 3rd Hokage, and the Uchiha Clan!

Marth: And there's my sister! Sob

Predator: Wuss!

Ike: Well it looks like were screwed!

Predator: Not exactly! (Holds out walkie-talkie) Chief, we need Help! Now!

Master Chief: On my way! (Halo theme plays)

Ino: The chief of police? What's he going to do?

Master Chief: (Rides toward building on hornet) I'm going to save your asses!

Predator: Yeah! (Jumps toward Hornet) (Hits head on Wing) Grunt

Master Chief: Oh! You can't board while I'm in the hornet!

Predator: Now he tells me! (Hits ground)

Zombies: (Gather at Crater)

Predator: (Gets up) Oh beep me!

Zombies: (attack Predator)

Predator: (climbs up building) Ouch! Damn it!

Master Chief: (Lands) (gets out) Ness, Predator, get on!

Alien: What about us?

Master Chief: Keep them distracted! (Flies away)

Alien: Yeah, Sure! Just leave us here! No big deal!

Ino: That's right Alien! Keep a positive outlook!

Alien: I'm being sarcastic!

Ino: Well that doesn't seem very positive.

Alien: sigh

Marth: Look! (Points)

Predator: (Soars in on Hornet) You coming or what?

Ino: You know it Predator! (Gets in hornet)

Alien: Well I'll be damned! (Climbs on)

Marth: Well What about us?

Master Chief: You're coming with me!

Ike: Yes sir! (Gets on hornet)

Marth: (Gets on hornet) So where's Ness?

Master Chief: He's setting down the zombie paper at points A, B and C!

Marth: Zombie Paper?

Master Chief: Yeah! It like fly paper, only it's for zombies!

Marth: You do realize how stupid that is right?

Master Chief: Look Below and tell me how stupid it is!

Marth: (Looks down) Well I'll be… It Worked!

(Later)

Master Chief: Well the zombies are taken care of!

Ness: Uh…

Master Chief: They are taken care of right?

Ness: The zombies, Yes, The victims, not so much.

Master Chief: What do you mean?

Ness: Apple kid designed the paper to work only on risen zombies not the victims!

Master Chief: Son of a bitch Ness!

Ino: Oh come on! There's probably not too many! (Opens door)

Zombies: Groan

Ino: (Slams door) There's millions of them!

Ness: Wait I have an idea!

Master Chief: What is it?

Ness: Get me a smash ball!

Ino: I doubt getting drunk is the answer Ness!

Predator: Blasphemy!

Ness: I said smash ball, not high ball! Wait… Oh! I get it! "Smash" ball!

Predator: As in Smashed!

Ness and Predator: laughs

Ness: sigh But seriously get me a smash ball!

(One smash ball later)

Ness: Now everyone take cover!

All: (Hides under table)

Ness: PK Starstorm!

(Meteors fall and blow up every thing)

Predator: Is it done?

Ness: Yeah it's done!

Predator: Okay good! Come on out guys! It's done!

All: (Come out from Hiding)

Ness: You hid beneath a table?

Predator: Yup!

Ness: Good choice!

Master Chief: You do realize you now owe the city millions of dollars in damage right?

Ness: Eh, My account can take care of that.

Master Chief: What?

Ness: (Activates ATM) So, how much do I owe the city?

Master Chief: Two million dollars.

Ness: Alright! (Gets money) (Hands money to Chief) Here you go!

Master Chief: How did you get two million dollars, Royalty Checks?

Ness: That, and my father puts about one thousand dollars in my account every day!

Ino: Damn! You're freaking rich!

Ness: Yeah I know!

(Days Later)

Governor: And so, it is with great pride that I award Ness with, with the hero's medal!

Alien: Is that even a real award?

Ino: Who cares? My friend's a hero!

Ness: Thank You! I would personally like to thank my friend Predator, who could not be here because of his fear of the governor.

Audience:laughs

Ness: I also would like to thank Master Chief for coming to our rescue!

Master Chief: You're Welcome!

Ness: And finally, I'd like to thank Apple Kid, for providing me with the zombie paper!

Audience: Applauds

Ness: Oh, And Thanks to Poo for teaching me PK Starstorm!

(Elsewhere)

Pinhead: You haven't won yet Ness! Soon you will experience HELL! Laughs

17

Dare to be stupid

(At the apartment)

Ino: So… what do we do now?

Predator: Let's play dare!

Ness: How do you play?

Predator: I dare you to take Marth's sword!

Ness: No Problem! Be right back!

(5 minutes later)

Predator: So how'd it go?

Ness: (Walks in covered I cuts)

Predator: Laughs

Ino: Oh my god! Ness! Are you okay?

Ness: (holds out sword) It put up a fight, but I got it! (Collapses)

Predator: (Bursts into laughter)

Marth: Have any of you guys seen my sword? (Sees Ness) Oh there it is!

Ness: Gurgle

Marth: You should probably get him to a hospital!

Predator: Oh, I'm sure he'll be fine!

Ghost Ness: Guess again!

Predator: Oh, Snap….

(One hospitalization later)

Ino: Okay now that that's over, I dare Predator to… jump off a building!!

Predator: WAY AHEAD YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUU! (Hits ground)

Ness: Dude! Are you okay?

Predator: (Climbs out of crater) That… was… AWESOME!!

Ino: Damn! You can take a punch!

Ness: Alright then, I dare Ino to… Kunai an apple off my head!

Ino: Oh, that's easy!

Ness: Blindfolded!

Ino: Now you have something!

Predator: (Blindfolds Ino) Okay throw!

Ino: (throws Kunai at Ness' Nuts) Did I get it! Ooh!

Ness: What? (Looks Down) Scream

Predator: (Bursts into laughter)

(One more hospital trip later)

Ino: No hard feelings about the whole knife to the balls thing right?

Ness: Nah! It's cool! Happens all the time!

Predator: Okay, I dare Ino to… Go purpose to Sakura while disguised as Marth!

Ino: Oh! That's good! (Puts on sign that reads "Marth not Ino" on it) Be right back.

(Some time later)

Predator: Hey! Here she comes!

Ino: Run for your life Sakura is pissed! (Runs by)

Sakura: Get back here Ino you Bitch! Hi Guys. How dare you mess with my heart?

(Yet another hospital trip later)

Predator: Christ! What'd she do to you?

Ino: You don't want to know!

Ness: Anyways, I dare Predator to… Ask the governor for a cup of sugar!

Predator: NO! Not that! Anything but that!

(Later at the governor's house)

Predator: Stupid Ness Playing that damn chicken card! (Rings door bell)

Arnold: (Opens door) Hello, how can I help you fine sir?

Predator: Gulp Well I was w-wondering if I could have a cup of sugar. Don't hurt me!

Arnold: Certainly! (Gets sugar) Here you are. (Gives Predator sugar) have a nice day!

Predator: Thank you sir. (Runs away)

Ness: So how was it?

Predator: I got your damn sugar you evil hearted bastard!

Ness: Laughs sigh Alright Ino. You're next!

Ino: Let's me see, I dare Ness to…

Marth: Hey guys what are you doing?

Predator: Oh, We're just playing dare.

Marth: That's cool. Can I play?

Ino: Sure!

Marth: Okay sweet! I have the best dare ever!

Predator: Alright Shoot!

Marth: Alright! I dare you… to divide by zero!

Predator: One divided by zero equals…

Ness and Ino: NO!!

BOOM!

Predator: Wow! The calculator just exploded!

18

Predator must die

(At the headquarters of the horror mafia)

Pinhead: I trust you'll see to it that our plans are taken care of!

Assassin: Don't worry! Your plan WILL go undisturbed! I'll see to that!

Pinhead: Excellent! Soon that damn cop will be off our trail once and for all!

Assassin: Cop? I thought you wanted the kid dead.

Pinhead: Well if we kill the child first the cop will find us!

Assassin: How do you know?

Pinhead: This cop has ways!

Assassin: Such as?

Pinhead: If I knew I wouldn't need you!

Assassin: So wait, Am I supposed to kill this cop or find out the cop's ways?

Pinhead: Just go kill the cop!

Assassin: Don't worry I'll be sure give this cop Hell! Leaves

Pinhead: Hey! That's not bad! I'd better ad that to my list of Hell Puns!

(At the bar)

Predator: Gentlemen! Ino! I have brought you here to witness the answer!

Alien: Answer? Oh God! What are you doing now?

Predator: I've decided to answer a question that has plagued mankind for ages!

Alien: And just what question is that?

Predator: What would happen if a woman took Viagra?

All but Alien: gasp He's a mad man! A MAD MAN!!

Alien: And how will get a woman to actually take Viagra?

Predator: Go on Sasuke.

Sasuke: Thank you Predator! When Sakura asks for her drink I'll slip it in!

Predator: She won't know what hit her! Are there any questions?

Ness: Who's the guy in the trench coat?

Predator: Who cares?

Assassin: Everything is ready! The bomb is in place and no one suspects a thing!

Sakura: Walks in Hey guys! Sasuke, get me a cup of whine!

Sasuke: Sure thing! (Pours drink) (Puts in Viagra) Here you are!

Sakura: (sips drink)

Predator: This is it guys!

Assassin: (Detonates bomb)

Predator: She exploded!

Ness: Damn!

Ino: Naruto is going to be pissed!

Alien: Uh… No he isn't…

Predator: Dude! We KILLED Sakura!

Alien: But, I killed Naruto!

All: WHAT?

Predator: Why would you do that?

Alien: Well…

(Flashback)

Alien: I'm just walking home.

Naruto: Give me all your money! (Holds out knife)

Alien: Oh dear god! (Stabs Naruto in heart) Oh boy!

Predator: You stabbed him?

Alien: He tried to rob me! It was self-defense!

Predator: Then what'd you do with the body?

Alien: Well…

(Flashback)

Alien: (Drags Naruto into alley) Oh God! I hope no one sees this! (Eats Naruto) Not bad!

Ino: You ate his body?

Predator: Please tell me you saved his skull!

Alien: (Holds out skull)

Predator: Mine! (Swipes skull) All is forgiven!

Assassin: Predator! Looks like my mission isn't over yet!

Pinhead: click What do you mean? Sakura is dead! click

Assassin: But I have a score to settle with the Predator!

Pinhead: click Oh… Carry on then! click

Predator: Come on guys let's go home! (Walks out)

Assassin: (Hides in shadow)

Predator: (Walks by) Hi Lyn!

Lyn: Damn it! Was I that obvious?

Predator: Your heat signature was right there!

Lyn: Oh yeah I got to work on that. Wait a minute I hate you! (Takes out gun)

Predator: Jeez! When did you start using a gun?

Lyn: Shut up! (Pulls trigger) click What the? click click

Predator: The gun's not loaded.

Lyn: Aw, Damn it!

Predator: And you call your-self an assassin?

Lyn: Shut up! (Slashes Predator)

Predator: Screams in pain

Ness: What the hell Lyn?

Lyn: Shut up you! (Slashes Predator)

Predator: Screams in pain Why'd you hit me?

Lyn: For making me an assist trophy!

Predator: You never paid me my 5 bucks!

Lyn: That's no excuse! Die!

Predator: Wait!

Lyn: What?

Predator: (Runs away)

Lyn: Damn! The old wait run away trick! Gets me every time!

(Meanwhile)

Predator: Now what am I going to do?

Ness: Why don't you just sneak up on her while you're invisible?

Predator: I guess I could try that. (Turns invisible)

Ness: Here she comes!

Predator: (Sneaks behind Lyn)

(Sneaking music plays)

Lyn: Marco!

Predator: Polo!

Lyn: (Takes out sword)

Predator: Oh Crap!

Lyn: (Charges)

Predator: Damn You Tip-toe music, and damn you Marco Polo!

(Later)

Ness: So how'd it go?

Predator: (Becomes visible) Call a hospital!

Ness: Why?

Predator: (Blood gushes out of body) Let's just say it didn't work!

Ness: That bad huh?

Predator: Just call a hospital man!

Ness: Fine!

(One hospital trip later)

Predator: Okay that's settled!

Ino: Hey guys!

Predator: Ino, where were you? And why is she here?

Ino: Oh this is Lyn! She said she had some business to sort out with you!

Lyn: That I do! (Charges at Predator)

Ino: (Blocks Lyn) Whoa! I thought you just had some business to sort out with him!

Lyn: I meant I wanted to kill him!

Ino: Hey, I don't know what Predator did, but violence is not the answer!

Lyn: (Slices off Ino's ponytail)

Ino: You sliced off my Pony tale! You bitch! (Cut's off Lyn's Ponytail)

Lyn: (Eyes widen) (Feels head) You've just made a very powerful enemy!

Ino: Bring it bitch! (Takes out knives)

Lyn: (Takes out sword)

Ino: Crap! (Runs away) Disguise jutsu! (Puts on sign that says not Ino)

Ness: Wow! That's going to fool her!

Lyn: Hey! Have you seen a girl who looks just like you run by recently?

Ino: Yes, She went strait ahead!

Lyn: Thanks! (Runs off)

Ness: Well I'll be damned!

Predator: This gives me an idea!

(Elsewhere)

Alien: Nothing like a walk to clear the mind!

Predator: Hey Alien! Could you do your impersonation of me? Ness wants to see it!

Alien: Sure! Anything to make fun of you!

Predator: Oh, and put this on. (Puts sign on Alien)

Alien: It's just a sign that says Predator.

Predator: Yeah it… adds to the illusion!

Alien: Ah! Yes! Of course!

Predator: Now I'm just going to turn invisible (turns invisible) and go somewhere safe.

Alien: Uh… Okay… Clears throat

Lyn: There's Predator… or is it?

Alien: I'm Predator! I can be invisible! I collect skulls and if you touch them I get pissed!

Lyn: Oh yeah! That's him! DIE!! (Stabs Alien)

Alien: screams Son of a bitch! (Melts sword)

Lyn: gasp My sword!

Predator: (Rips out Lyn's skull) Fatality Mother beep!

Alien: Oh the pain! (Falls down)

Predator: You alright alien?

(Blood melts ground)

Alien: (Falls in hole) Scream

(Blood melts power cord)

Alien: (Get shocked) (Gets blown up) (Lands on fire hydrant)

(Fire hydrant bursts open)

(Sends Alien flying)

Alien: (Gets tangled in power chords)

(Blood Melts chords)

(Chords Shock Alien)

Alien: Scream

(Explosion sends Alien flying in hole with chord)

(Chord shocks Alien)

Alien: Scream Not again!

(Explosion launches Alien upward)

Alien: (Grabs ledge of building) (Coughs up blood)

(Blood melts ledge)

Alien: Oh Crap! (Falls into whole with cord again)

(Chord shocks alien)

Alien: Screams

(Explosion sends Alien flying)

Alien: (Lands on Manhole) Oh thank god it's over!

(Blood melts manhole cover)

Alien: Oh beep me! (Falls in manhole) scream

Predator: Whoa… That was awesome!

(Later)

Predator: Well everything is back to normal!

Ness: Thank God!

Ino: And my ponytail grew back!

Predator: Hey that's great! No one cares.

Ino: Hey!

Ness: Well it is just a Ponytail Ino.

Ino: It's not just a ponytail! It's a way of life!

Predator: Dude calm down!

Ino: A way of life!

Ness: Yeah we get it!

Ino: Way of life!

Predator: Right… Anyway no hard feelings about the sword thing right Alien?

Alien: (Stares angrily at Predator)

Predator: What?

Alien: Fuck… You… (Collapses)

19

Cloverfield 90210

Pinhead: Now go Frankenstein! You know your mission!

Frankenstein: Grunt (leaves)

(At the apartment)

Frankenstein: Grunt (sees doorbell) Huh? (Rings door bell) Ha!

Ding dong

Ding dong

Ding dong

Ding dong

Alien: Someone's at the door!

Frankenstein: Ding… dong…

Predator: (Shoots door) Not anymore they aren't!

Pinhead: Damn it! They killed Frankenstein! Those bastards will have Hell to pay!

ring ring

Alien: Hello?

Freddy: I'm you're boyfriend now Alien!

Alien: Freddy we've been over this!

Freddy: But I miss you Alien! We had something and you know it!

Alien: You knocked me out and raped me while I was unconscious… somehow.

Freddy: But I love you!

Alien: I told you I'm anti-sexual!

Freddy: I just love that in a guy!

Pinhead: Freddy, give me phone!

Freddy: Call me!

Alien: Go screw yourself!

Freddy: Yeah! You'd like that!

Alien: Damn it!

Pinhead: I said give it!

Freddy: Make me! (Runs away)

Pinhead: Get back here!

Freddy: Screw you Pincushion!

Pinhead: How dare you call me that? Only my mom can call me that!

Freddy: Mommy's little pincushion!

Pinhead: Oh that's it! Now you will have Hell to pay!

Freddy: Yeah! Make another hell pun!

Pinhead: What the hell is that supposed mean?

Freddy: Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Is that all you can say?

Pinhead: Like Hell it is! Damn it to hell! beep Hell! grunt Hell! (Explodes)

dial tone

Alien: hangs up Uh… okay?

(Meanwhile in Hell)

Freddy: Nice going Pinhead you got us both killed!

Pinhead: Shut up and dance monkey!

Freddy: sigh (Dances to don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me)

Pinhead: Now sing!

Freddy: Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

Pinhead: Now take off the shirt! Slowly!

Freddy: (Takes off shirt) Don't you wish you're girlfriend was a freak like me? sob

Pinhead: Now the pants!

Freddy: Don't you? sob sob (takes off pants) Don't You? sob sob

Pinhead: The ritual is complete!

Freddy: R-ritual?

Pinhead: Yes the ritual to summon Clover! Why else would I make you do that?

Freddy: I feel so violated!

Pinhead: Shut up and sing!

Freddy: I like to move it! Move it!

Pinhead: I like to watch you move it!

(Back at the apartment)

Predator: And what the hell kind of evil name is Pinhead?

Ness: I know right? It's like "Fear me mortals! I'm the evil Pinhead!"

Ino: Yeah! I just can't take a name like that seriously!

Boom!

Predator: Did you guys hear something?

Boom!

Ino: Well I guess it's my turn to look out the window.

BOOM!

(Room shakes)

Ino: Sigh (Opens blinds)

Clover: Roar

Ino: (Shuts blinds) It's Clover!

Alien: What's with the yelling?

Ike: Seriously!

Clover: (Grabs Ike)

Ino: Ike catch! (Throws steroid needle)

Predator: I knew it!

(Needle Hits Clover)

Clover: (Bulges with muscles) Roar

Ino: Sorry! Let me try again! (Throws more needles)

(All needles hit Clover)

Clover: (Grows bigger) (Muscles Bulge) ROAR

Ike: I regret nothing!

Clover: (Eats Ike)

Ness: How are we going to stop that thing?

Marth: I have an Idea! Get me… a smash ball!

(One smash ball later)

Marth: Okay! Now I'm going to use my final smash to chop that thing's head off!

Predator: This ought to be good!

Marth: (Charges Clover) Die monster!

Clover: (Opens Mouth)

Marth: Oh beep me! (Flies into clover's mouth)

Clover: (Closes mouth) Gulps (Eyes widen) (Pukes up Marth and Ike)

Ike: Screw this I'm out of here! (Leaves Fanfic)

Marth: What happened to "I fight for my friends!" huh Ike?

Ike: Screw that!

Marth: Well, That didn't work as well as I'd hoped!

Ness: I thought something like that would happen.

Ino: Really?

Ness: Yeah! His final smash is deadly but easily avoidable.

Marth: Well let's see you do better!

Ness: Alright! Get me a smash ball!

(One more smash ball later)

Ness: Okay everyone you know the drill! Under the table! PK Star storm!

Clover: Flinches

(Stars hit everything except the monster)

Clover: (Looks around) Shrugs (Destroys building)

Marth: Now whose final smash easily avoidable?

Ness: Shut up!

Ino: Look! It's Master Chief!

(Halo theme plays)

Predator: Show off!

Master Chief: Alright men! Open fire!

(Soldiers shoot at Clover)

Clover: (looks at soldiers) Stomps (Sends soldiers flying)

Master Chief: My God! Time to bring in the scorpions! (Summons Scorpion) (Gets in)

Clover: (Looks at Scorpion) (Kicks Scorpion)

Master Chief: The chief is never beaten so long as he has this! (Takes out Spartan laser)

Clover: (squashes chief)

Predator: That was… mildly entertaining.

Alien: Will he be alright?

Predator: Don't worry he'll re-spawn in a couple seconds.

Alien: Oh! Well what do we do now?

Predator: Any ideas Ino?

Ino: Just one! Mind Transfer Jutsu! (Mind Flies out of body) (Body falls from building)

(Crash)

Car alarm

Ness: Ooh… That can't be good!

Marth: Well at least she'll be able to take control of Clover!

Ness: Think again! He just took 12 steps to the left!

Predator: Damn! Her one of many weaknesses!

Ino: (Mind returns to body) Oh God! The Pain! Kill me! Scream

Ness: Why the beep are you complaining? Aren't you a medical ninja?

Ino: Both my shoulders were impaled during the fall! I can't move my arms!

Clover: (Grabs Ino) Roar (Sends Ino flying into apartment)

Ino: (Hits apartment wall) (Falls on car again)

Car alarm

Ino: (Bleeds puddle of blood) Why? scream of agony It hurts!

(Clover drones crawl toward Ino)

Ino: Oh Come on!

Predator: (Shoots Drone)

(Drone leaps on Ino's back)

Predator: (Aims Soulder cannon)

Marth: No! It's too risky!

Predator: You're right! (Throws javelin)

(Javelin Stabs drone and Ino)

Ino: Scream of pain Son of a bitch!

Ness: How's she still alive after all this?

Clover: (Picks up Ino) (Bites Ino) (Shakes head) (Throws into building)

Ino: (Falls) Not again! (Hits car) Wait! Why are my kunai and shuriken bags empty?

(Kunai and shuriken land in Ino's back)

Ino: Scream of pain Great! What else could possibly happen?

(Debris from apartment falls on Ino)

Ino: (Gets up) (Brushes off shoulders) I just had to ask. Okay plan B! (Throws kunai)

(Kunai bounces off clover)

Clover: (Stares at Ino) (Tilts head in confusion)

Ino: Plan C! (Charges at clover screaming)

Clover: (Looks at Ino as if to say "Are you really that stupid?") (Kicks Ino)

Ino: (Crash lands in apartment) Plan D! Hey Clover! Your ugly and no one likes you!

Ness: Okay! No one can have a comeback for that!

Clover: (points to Cloverfield fan-club) (Flips off Ino)

Ness: Oh no! He did not just give Ino the fan-club bird!

Ino: Well I'm out of ideas.

Alien: Okay this has gone on long enough! I'm putting an end to this once and for all!

Predator: And just how will you do that?

Alien: Like this. (Leaps out of apartment) (Lands on car) Ouch! (Walks towards Clover)

Predator: What the hell is he doing?

Ness: He's crazy!

Ino: Alien! Don't be a hero!

Predator: Yeah! That's my thing!

Alien: (Slices Clover's Achilles' tendon)

Clover: Roar (Collapses) (Dies)

Sasuke: (Walks out of bar) Hey guys what'd I miss?

Clover: (Falls on Sasuke's bar)

Sasuke: (Turns around) Oh what the beep man! Seriously!

Predator: Now why the beep didn't we think of that?

Marth: Because it was a simple solution.

Predator: Shut up!

Sasuke: Nice job taking out the monster Alien, but what're you going to do for my bar?

Alien: Ooh… that… just talk to Ness he'll take care of it. I'll get rid of the body.

Sasuke: How are you going to do that?

Alien: (Eats clover's body)

Sasuke: Oh my god! shrugs Well… whatever works I guess. (Walks away) Hey Ness!

(Later at the newly rebuilt Bar)

Ino: You actually let Sasuke keep the change for 200,000,000.00?

Ness: Yeah! I figured he could use it for an upgrade on the bar.

Predator: Apparently that hasn't happened yet!

Sasuke: Oh! I could do that couldn't I?

20

Explanations

(At the bar)

Ino: Hey Sasuke! Refill please! (Holds out mug)

Sasuke: (Refills mug)

Alien: You know I've been meaning to ask about that.

Sasuke: About what?

Alien: The fact she's allowed to drink. Let alone be in here! I mean she's 15!

Sasuke: Oh! Well what I do is I take a non-alcoholic beverage and give it to her!

Ino: (Spits out drink) You mean I've been getting fake wasted? I should kill where you stand!

Sasuke: Flinches Wait! Let me finish!

Ino: (Holds Kunai to Sasuke's neck) Choose you're next words carefully Uchiha!

Sasuke: I take some juice from the fruit Lee uses to get drunk, and put it in the drink!

Ino: Oh! (Sits down) I'll take that!

Sasuke: Yeah! It's legal, and it works!

Marth: Speaking of which… Didn't you kill your brother?

Sasuke: Yeah… why?

Marth: But then why did you say you framed him the other day?

Sasuke: Oh… well… I kind of smoked some good beep and… yeah!

Marth: Oh! I see!

Ino: Why did you not tell me you had pot?

Sasuke: Yeah, I'm "totally" going to tell an ex-drug addict I have pot!

Ino: That was one time!

Sasuke: I'm pretty sure "one time" doesn't lead to 5 months in rehab!

Ino: Shut up!

Sasuke: Hold on! Why are you even friends with Predator and Ness anyway?

Marth: Yeah! Come to think of it, Ino seemed like she would've been Alien's friend!

Ino: Oh that! Well actually I just wanted to see what a xenomorph's room looked like.

Alien: Hyper-intelligent xenomorph!

Ino: Whatever!

Predator: As for us being friends well… you tell them Ness.

Ness: We met her at the karaoke club, got a few drinks, and the rest is history!

Ino: Wait a minute! How is it that has a Job as a bar tender? He's 16!

Sasuke: Well it turns out the governor is my #1 fan! So… yeah!

Ness: Well, how is it that you guys can talk perfect English?

Alien: I'm hyper-intelligent and he's slightly smarter than the other predators.

Marth: What confuses me is why everyone is so freaked out by the platypus!

Alien: You're kidding right?

Predator: Have you even seen that thing? A facehugger wouldn't go near it!

Alien: It's true! It wouldn't!

Marth: Oh, come on! Is it really that freaky?

All: Yes!!

Ness: I've fought taxis, road signs, record disks, guitars, coffee cups, but that… WOW!!

Ino: I was literally traumatized when I first saw a platypus!

Marth: So it's a venomous, aquatic mammal with a duck bill and beaver tail. So what?

Alien: You do know it lays eggs too right?

Marth: Holy crap! That thing is a freak of nature! You have made your point!

Sasuke: Well it's almost closing time! Last call! Drinks are on the house!

Predator: Come on Alien! It's the final chapter! Let's get wasted! All of us!

Alien: Well… Oh what the heck. Fix us all a high ball Sasuke!

Marth: Or as Predator would say… Let's get wasted!!

Predator: Yeah! That's the spirit! Let's beep party!

All: cheer

(Everybody dance now plays in background)

The End

(If you're still unclear on something that's your problem)