Summary: The Doc talked with Admiral Paris, who is proud of his son's achievements. However, Tom isn't so happy to hear about that.
Warning: This story involves violent sex between consenting adults. There is also some bad language. You have been warned.
General Disclaimer: Voyager, and everything Star Trek are owned by Paramount. I am just borrowing them for fun, no profit involved.
Achievement of Hope
by Riss
Tom was in shock as he heard the Doc's report. He had been on his lunch break when they had finally transferred him back from the Alpha Quadrant, so he was listening to the Doc's second telling. Everyone had already returned to the bridge before the part of the story where the Doc talked about meeting Admiral Owen Paris.
Oh shit. My father, even 55,000 light years away, was back in my life. As the Doctor droned on about how my father was surprised to hear my many accomplishments, I just tuned him out. I thought that I was finally done with that jerk's pressures and my stupid need for approval. Guess not. No matter how far I run, he'll always be looking over my shoulder.
"Mr. Paris, have you heard a word I have said?"
"What?"
"I'll take that as a no. I was explaining how your father was surprised by your achievements and very proud of his son."
"Proud, are you sure you were talking to Admiral Owen Paris?"
"Mr. Paris, you have made many contributions to this vessel, including risking you life on countless occasions, to come to the rescue of this crew. Everyone on this vessel is indebted to you, including myself. Without your assistance and guidance, I would never have returned to my family program, and learned valuable lessons about life."
I was desperately trying not to cry. I was happy and furious at the same time. I wasn't sure if I wanted to thank the doctor for his help, or deactivate him for dredging up old memories. My father knows I'm alive, and apparently cares about me.
The Doctor, oblivious to my internal struggle, continued on with his story. "After I explained to Admiral Paris about your contributions to this ship, he expressed regret at his decision to disown you. Since the loss of Voyager, he has come to realize that he pushed you to hard. He feels responsible for giving you no choice but to rebel. He cried, wishing Voyager a safe return, so he could see his son again so he can ask for forgiveness."
I listened in shock. That son of a bitch admitting that he might have done something wrong, and asking for my forgiveness. As the Doc had been speaking, I had gained control of my emotions, allowing my carefully crafted outer mask to descend over my face. I was not going to lose control in front of the doctor. "Thank you for letting me know. I appreciate your efforts in speaking with my father."
"Mr. Paris, since Sickbay is in order and I would like to catch up on the medical logs, you may have the rest of your shift off. I believe it would be beneficial for you to have some time to consider this new situation."
"Thanks, Doc." I attempted to keep my absolute joy of being released from sickbay out of my voice. I practically ran out of the room, so sick was I of sickbay. Plus, I had more important things to consider. "I'll see you for my shift next week."
The Doc, who always needs the last word, replied, "if you aren't here as a patient before then."
Once I was alone in the turbolift, heading towards my quarters, the memories hit me. First of my father leading me to the flight simulator as a little kid. Another of his proud smile when I completed the advanced simulation. A grin broke through on my face as I realized that my father is proud of me. I have finally earned my father's approval and love.
As I keyed in the code for my quarters, other, less pleasant memories surfaced. I ruthlessly suppressed them till the door closed behind me, unwilling to lose my composure in the public corridor. Once the door closed, the memories assaulted me and I collapsed to the floor from the weight of them. The physically painful memories fast destroying any happiness I had felt.
Memories of my father yelling at me for not getting an A in my physics class, only the day after that amazing simulator flight. The groundings and occasional slaps because I wasn't the top student. The B- in his stupid survival course, since I didn't live up to the almighty 'Paris' expectations. The years where all I wanted was a simple hug, from that asshole, for my birthday. The same years where he always managed to be at Starfleet all day on my birthday.
Gods, I needed his approval... but do I really want it now? I have finally received what I worked my whole life for, but its too late. I needed his approval twenty years ago, fifteen, or even six when it could have made a difference. If I had felt that he wouldn't have disowned me for originally telling the truth about the accident, I never would have lied. The mess that my life became after Caldik Prime would never have happened, if I thought that he had cared then.
I blame myself for my life, but in many ways I guess I blame him as well. I don't think I would be the reckless fool I used to be and still am at times, if I had felt he cared. I have made so many mistakes, either to please him or to rebel against him. Almost all my life I have been rebelling, yet during that same time I have been striving for his love and acceptance.
Now that I finally have something to be proud of, he is back in my life. Just when I had finally made a life for myself, not based on his approval or love, now I receive it.
I don't want to think about him. He has controlled my life for to long.
"Computer, time"
"2100 hours."
"Computer, location of Lieutenant Torres."
"Lieutenant Torres is in her quarters."
I'll go see B'Elanna, that will get my mind off him. I quickly went and wash off the evidence of my emotions in the bathroom, and headed off for her quarters.
"Come in Tom. I thought we were meeting for dinner tomorrow."
"I missed you. We haven't seen each other in a while," which was true, but I just needed to be near her. I went over, took her in my arms and kissed her. The frustration I had felt in the last few hours translated into a very passionate kiss. Usually I start out less exuberant, but B'Elanna revels in exuberance. She hates to admit it, but her Klingon side loves it.
Our kiss quickly turned into more. For once I wasn't interested in slowing down B'Elanna's Klingon side. I wanted, no needed, wild, passionate, even violent sex. Right now, I wanted sex as an antidote, and at the moment, B'Elanna was happy to oblige.
As the kissing continued, we quickly started ripping each others clothes off. Not since our first time together have we actually destroyed clothing, till now. B'Elanna made quick work of my jacket, destroying the zipper in an effort to get it off. I pulled off her jacket and let her go long enough to pull off her shirt. She tore my shirt in two, then quickly set to work taking off my pants.
I pulled us into the wall, providing something to lean on as a pulled off my boots and the rest of my clothes. B'Elanna took to licking and biting my shoulder as her hands found my erection. As she continued, I quickly got rid of her remaining clothes, taking a few seconds out to caress her breasts before moving lower.
B'Elanna turned us around, then tripped me, slamming us into the floor. As she came crashing down on top of me, I quickly flipped us over, regaining control. With no further warning, I entered her. We quickly found a rhythm. Her legs were wrapped around me as her nails left red trails down my back. My hands continued their rough exploration of her breasts. Our mouths worked in an imitation of our hands, mercilessly exploring each other. It didn't take long till we both came.
As we lay on the floor, again the memories assaulted me. I managed to keep my reaction off my face, but I needed to do something. I reached for B'Elanna, who now lay beside me, and began kissing her again. At first she responded with passion, then she pushed me away.
"What is with you, Tom? You come in here, say hello and next thing I know, we are having sex on the floor."
"I just missed you."
"Don't lie to me Tom! I know something is wrong. As much as I love what just happened, it is not going to happen that way again. I will not let you take your frustrations out on me."
Reading disapproval in her voice, I started gathering my scattered clothing. I didn't want her disapproval, not today.
"Don't you walk out of here without talking to me!" she yelled as I headed for the door.
I just looked at her. What could I say. I couldn't tell her about my father. I couldn't tell her I finally received what I wanted, only to find out it was too late.
B'Elanna knows what I am feeling. She has her own dismal life back in the Alpha Quadrant. She understands what it is like to strive for approval from her father, and never receive it. She also knows how hard it is for either of us to discuss our feelings. She looked at me as I turned from the door and calmed down in front of my eyes. She seemed to realize I wouldn't talk now, so instead of forcing me to talk, she let me know that she is there for me, when I need it.
"Tom, you look tired. Please, just come to bed with me."
As we walked over to her bedroom, I realized why I felt it was too late for my father's love. I already have someone else's love without any preconditions or expectations, and right now, that is enough for me. The memories are still there, but I'm in control again.