A Reason for Existing
"I need you to know this won't be broken
And all that we said will not be lost into the dawn
And you would be the last thing I saw coming
I'm still surprised
You are lovely tonight
You, dear, will guide me into the morning light
You are lovely tonight
Lay here beside me - I see the rest of my life with you
Alone we are fine; but when we're two, we are eternal
The moons have aligned our separate lives; here become one"
-Joshua Radin (Lovely Tonight)
AN: Another oneshot based even more loosely on scenes from the upcoming episode "In the Company of Men." Please enjoy.
Jessi sat down at the table, setting the bowl of popcorn between them. She really didn't like that Lori thought it was wrong for her to like Kyle. How could it be a huge problem when it was what she felt? Everything for her would always lead back to Kyle. There wasn't anyone else. There couldn't be, it was impossible.
Especially now that they had kissed… it hurt so much more to be away from him. It may have started as a way to help Amanda, but Jessi had felt a shift in the energy between them in those seconds leading up to the joining of their lips. The way his heart head beat in pace with hers as their lips had inched closer to each other. The memory warmed Jessi instantly from the inside and she smiled to her self.
Then quickly forced herself not to think about the part that came after, the part that hurt, she hated having to associate pain with any memory of Kyle… things were going to change, they already were. She looked up at Lori, "I can't help it if I think that Kyle and I are soul mates." Jessi said honestly.
It was the first time she'd said it aloud and it felt amazing to be free of the words. Jessi had always thought of Kyle as meant for her, always knew they were connected, but she'd never told anyone she thought they were soul mates.
"Soul mates?!" Lori questioned in a disbelieving tone. Jessi starred at the bowl between them for a long moment. Debating whether or not to try and explain it to her. She and Lori weren't friends, but maybe… maybe if she could trust her with this, if she could explain it and make her understand…
Maybe they could be.
Jessi took a deep breath and started, "I don't just like Kyle, I love Kyle. He is the single most important part of my life. I had tried not to believe it at first, tried not to believe that he was that important, I had even thought for a while that I could leave, but after Latnok took him… When I was truly forced to imagine a world without Kyle, I realized I would die if something ever happened to him. His existence is what keeps me alive." Jessi stopped talking and looked at Lori wondering if she understood. Wondering if she saw where she was coming from.
When Lori didn't say thing and just continued to stare at her, Jessi sighed and moved to get up. "Wait! Just give me a moment to process what you just said okay!" Lori said before she could actually leave. Jessi sat back down, and waited with more patience now that she knew Lori was planning to respond. "Okay… so let's just say for arguments sake that you actually tell Kyle everything you just told me. How is that going to go? You saw him; he's pretty bent out of shape after breaking up with Amanda!"
"He'll get over it..." Jessi replied in a quite voice. "At least I hope he will." She hated that she couldn't be sure. She knew without a doubt that Kyle was in every fiber of her being. It was in not knowing, in not being positively sure that she was in every part of him that gave her doubts.
"He's not with Amanda anymore… so there is finally an opportunity for me to find out… and if we're meant to be together shouldn't I give it everything I have?" Jessi looked at Lori with hopeful eyes, watching as she considered the words.
Lori opened her mouth to answer when her cell vibrated on the table. Jessi glared at the phone, hoping whoever it was would call back another time. Lori said it was Declan and answered. Jessi grabbed some pop corn hoping this wouldn't take long; she wanted to know what Lori was going to say…
"He's what!" Lori shouted into the phone. "No! Don't take him home; bring him to Jessi's apartment!" Lori paused, the shouted again. "Just do it! We'll meet you out front!" Lori hung up the phone angrily, and looked at Jessi.
"Declan stupidly took Kyle to a bar and got him drunk, I told them to bring him here, it'll be better then bringing him home and trying to explain it to my parents." Lori gave her a look and her brow creased in thought, then her face lit up. "You know what? They say drunks are always to honest for their own good. How about if we leave Kyle here with you, it might be the perfect way to find out what you want to know."
Jessi thought about it and then smiled. This had to be Lori's way of telling her to go for it.
Jessi starred down at Kyle, he was lying in her old bed completely passed out. She sat down on the edge and quickly went through the events that had lead to this moment. She and Lori had gotten down stairs just as Declan was pulling into the apartment complex.
Lori then spent the first five minutes yelling at Declan for thinking this was a good idea, and Jessi spent that time making sure that there was nothing wrong with Kyle other than his current drunken state.
Then Lori made Declan and Josh carry Kyle all the way to Jessi's room, explaining along the way that they were going to leave Kyle here with Jessi and tell the parental units that something mysterious came up and the two of them had run off to take care of it.
It had all happened so fast, there hadn't been any hanging around or chit chatting, once they had put Kyle down Lori rushed them out the door, giving Jessi and small smile of encouragement.
She looked over at him lying down on top of the bed. She frowned not liking how uncomfortable he looked. She removed his jacket and shoes, glanced at the rest of him and then quickly took off his jeans too. She folded everything and set it on the dresser and then tucked Kyle underneath the comforter and readjusted his head on the pillow.
'There.' She thought to herself. 'Much better,' at least this way he would be comfortable as he slept off some of the alcohol in his system. She went out to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water and some Tylenol, figuring he might need it when he finally woke up. She also grabbed a bucket, just in case. "Better safe than sorry" she muttered.
She went back into the room and set everything down near the bed. Then she glanced around no longer sure what to do. It was late, and Kyle was out cold so she didn't think she'd be getting any truths from him tonight.
She went to the closet in the hallway and grabbed an extra blanket and took it back to the room. She kicked off her shoes and jeans and wrapped the blanket around her shoulders as she sat down on the bed with her back against the headboard.
She pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her head down on them as she starred at Kyle. It was maddening knowing that he'd gotten drunk because of Amanda. 'Amanda, Amanda, Amanda' Jessi thought in anger. She'd bet he was dreaming about his precious Amanda now… she closed her eyes when she felt them fill with tears.
She hated that she felt this way… how Kyle felt about Amanda shouldn't upset her anymore. It was something she had chosen to accept a long time ago. That being the case… it was still easier said then done.
The proof of that showing in the warm tears that ran down her face against her will. She moved so she was lying down next to him, and starred at his face waiting for the tears to stop. She was just starting to drift off to sleep when she heard Kyle say "don't go" in a low voice, she opened her eyes to see if he was awake.
He wasn't.
Her mouth twisted into a bitter smile. Of course she'd been right, he'd been dreaming about Amanda. She got up to leave; she needed to do something to stop the tears from coming back. Thinking he was dreaming about Amanda and having to listen to that dream were two entirely different things.
"Don't go…" Kyle mumbled a bit louder this time, and it felt like a small stab in the chest, because she wished so much that he was dreaming of…
"Jessi please…" her hand froze on the knob, the blanket she'd been holding fell to the ground. "Jessi, don't go."
Time stopped, she stopped. Everything just stopped.
Kyle had been dreaming about her. Kyle had been dreaming about her! She turned around to look at him; his hand was out stretched, reaching for her in his sleep his face so sad. She just starred at him for a long time, wondering if this was real or if that was a delusion she'd created in her mind.
'Am I even awake?' Jessi thought.
'If I am who cares' she added to that thought, as she rushed over to the bed, climbed under the covers and held his hand. She felt this unbelievable contentment settle over her entire body the second her hand was holding his.
All the doubts, and fears, and uncertainty faded away and all she could focus on was this beautiful boy in front of her. The warmth radiating off of him washed away the rest of her anxiety. She drifted off to sleep minutes later.
Kyle hadn't understood what was happening at first. Didn't know what his dream was trying to tell him. He was outside of himself watching scene after scene from his life. They weren't in any particular order. At least he didn't think they were, and it had taken him a minute to figure out what he was supposed to take from them. It was after the third scene that he was forced to watch from an outsider prospective that he began to notice there were three constants.
The first being that every scene was one he'd shared with Jessi.
The second was they were all times when he had walked away from her for one reason or another.
The final and most startling was the pained look that crossed Jessi's face when his back was to her.
It was heartbreaking and she looked as if someone were cruelly picking away at her heart. 'Someone…' he thought… 'No. Not someone, me.'
As soon as this seemed to register, the scenes picked up going faster forcing him to see Jessi's face in pain over and over. He wished he could make it stop, wished there was some way he could stop Jessi from ever having that look again.
Suddenly things were slowing down again; he was in his room, well, Jessi's room now. He watched the two of them standing there, watched as he raised his hand to Jessi's face, she looked so… so beautiful. He wondered how he could have missed it when it was actually happening. He watched their faces move closer to each other, heard as their heart beats picked up.
He hadn't thought about this kiss since it happened. He'd been preoccupied with everything that had happened with Amanda. 'Amanda' he thought, and as if he triggered it she walked into the room.
He watched himself break the kiss, but his eyes were locked on Jessi's face, he watched her start to smile only to realized he had stopped because of Amanda, and when he ran out of the room he watched Jessi's face as the heartbreak hit her. She squeezed her eyes tight as if trying to stop tears from starting, and she began rubbing the spot where her heart would be as if trying to soothe the pain. He couldn't believe he had missed this, could believe he had caused this.
Suddenly she started to fade before him, as though she were going to disappear and never return.
That thought was more painful to him then he expected it to be.
He knew he hadn't been able to talk before, but he had to do something to make her stay, had to try even if it was futile. "Don't go" he said, and was surprised when she looked up, but she didn't see him. He watched her start to walk to the door, still fading.
"Don't go!" He said louder hoping to make her stop, but she just continued to walk toward the door, her face composed again, her body fading. "Jessi please!" he was helpless "Jessi's don't go." He reached his arms for her, but the rest of his body was trapped in place. She faded away completely as she stepped out of the door.
Kyle stood there trying to process what he was feeling.
His heart was breaking?
No. He knew what heartbreak was, he had felt it when Amanda had broken up with him.
But this… this was so much worse, his heart was gone. In its place was a dark hole, a dark hole that was spreading outward and coating him in a thick darkness. He wanted to wake up, he wanted to find Jessi and make sure she still existed, make sure this hole in his heart wasn't permanent, he didn't think he could live like this, live without her. Only this dream was trapping him here, keeping him frozen in the darkness.
He didn't know how much time was passing, all he saw was blackness. He was starting think this was his punishment, this was his way of paying for all the times he'd hurt Jessi unknowingly. He had lost his heart, lost her, because of all the times he had chipped away as her heart.
Ignorance wasn't bliss in this case. Ignorance had led to this excruciating pain.
He was just beginning to believe this would last forever when he felt something grab his right hand. He looked over and he felt this comforting warmth work its way from his hand and through his whole body.
Jessi was here, she was with him, seeing him, smiling at him. She was making the darkness disappear; in its place was this burning brightness. It reminded him of the sun, Jessi was his sun.
He turned and wrapped his arms tightly around her. He wasn't ever letting her go. He realized in that moment that he loved her, loved her so much and so fully that he knew he couldn't survive without her. He wondered if she already felt his way about him, if he was just late in coming to this understanding. He didn't care though, just glad that he wasn't too late. That she was here now...
Kyle woke up to find a sleeping Jessi beside him, his arms wrapped tightly around her. The sight of her face so beautiful and unguarded before him, made him pull her closer. He kissed her forehead and then relaxed content to just watch her sleep. He realized they were in Jessi's room, but didn't think any more about why or how.
He didn't care, as long as she was here with him, he pulled her closer and let himself fall back asleep.
Jessi woke up to find herself starring at Kyle's face, it was inches from hers. His arm was wrapped around her waist keeping her pressed up against him. He was so warm and so close; she snuggled closer, and then slowly slid out of his arms.
She wasn't dazed, she remembered everything that head lead up to this moment. She just wasn't sure she was ready to deal with it. Could she survive another rejection from this boy? Just because he'd said her name in his sleep, didn't mean he was suddenly in love with her.
She started to get up from the bed when a hand grabbed her arm stopping her. She looked over at Kyle and found him starring at her with a serious expression. She couldn't move her eyes away from his; it was as if he had her caught in some trance.
"Why are you leaving?" Kyle asked in a way that made Jessi freeze in place for a moment. She didn't know how to answer that question. So she didn't. She just waited to see what happened next. Kyle sat up, his hand still wrapped around her arm. He winced a little, and she guessed it was probably the hang over. She forced her eyes to leave his, and reached for the bottle of water and the Tylenol.
"Here, this should help with the headache," she said and placed the items down on the bed. She felt his hand leave her arm but she stayed sitting where she was, waiting while Kyle drank the entire bottle of water.
'I don't know if I can do this,' Jessi thought cowardly. She was about to get up and leave the room when Kyle spoke again. "Jessi, I want to apologize."
She hadn't been expecting that. She turned her body toward him, looking into his eyes to see what he meant. The look he was giving her wasn't something she'd ever seen on him before. It was filled with love and longing.
His hand slow reached up toward her face, she didn't back away hoping with all she had left in her that this meant what she thought it meant. His hand cupped her face, and he leaned over to kiss her lightly on the lips.
"Jessi, I'm sorry it took me so long to get here." He said and then added, "I love you."
That same feeling of contentment spread all over Jessi's body instantaneously.
Kyle loved her. Kyle loved her, and she would never have to wonder again.
"I love you too!" she said, and she crushed her lips against his, catching him off guard. They fell backward onto the pillows, and she quickly reclaimed his lips, kissing him with lots of quick pecks, hoping to lose count someday of how many times she kissed this boy.
Kyle grabbed her face and pulled her in for a long deep kiss, and she felt this heat rush down spine and through her stomach before it settled in between her legs. They were lying side by side crushed completely against each other, but it wasn't close enough for either of them. They were both trying to get closer, their breath picking up. "Jessi…" Kyle groaned in between one of their kisses, and her bones melted at the heat in his words.
"I want you" she whispered back the same heat reflected in her voice. Jessi felt Kyle's hand wrap behind her leg as he rolled onto his back pulling her on top of him. Instantly she felt his want for her between her legs. The heat that had settled in her core turned into a raging fire. She rocked her hips a little and her eyes snapped shut at the zing of pleasure that shot through her entire body. She wanted more, wanted Kyle. She leaned over to kiss him again, grabbing his face in hers as she moved her hips again, rubbing herself against the bulge in his pants.
Kyle groaned and placed his hands on her waist, stopping the movement. She pulled back immediately, looking him in the eyes hoping he wasn't going to reject her now. Not when she had started to think she'd never have to worry about that again, but he didn't reject her, he rolled them so he was hovering above her instead.
He didn't pick right back up where they left off instead he leaned down to place soft kisses on her collar bone and along her neck. She ran her hands up his back, loving the feeling of the muscles beneath his warm skin. After he kissed her lips softly, he rolled over off of her, and she turned her head to him in confusion.
He smiled "I love you. So we aren't going to rush and do this now." Jessi's brow creased in frustration, she wanted him so much, that she had to laugh when he added uncharacteristically, "As frustrating as that might be!"
They were lying beside each other taking in the love that was cemented between them. Kyle reached over to toy with a piece of her hair, "I am so thankful for your existence" he said in an awe inspired tone.
Jessi's hand reached up to hold his, "You're the reason you know! Without you I don't know that I could exist. I am positive the pain would be absolutely unbearable."
"I know." Kyle said seriously, "So let's make sure that never happens."
They kissed again reassured that their love would last forever, because neither of them could survive without the other.
End.
AN: I hope this was enjoyable.
Please Review.