Closet Problems? Come to Mr. Padfoot's Closet Locksmithery!

"Hey…" James started slowly, his boney hand tugging gently on the sleeve of Remus's red jumper.

"What?" The werewolf replied in his 'I'm annoyed but trying not to show it' voice.

"Will you come to the closet on the fifth floor with me?" James hesitantly asked with an innocent air about him.

Remus stared for a good minute before clearing his throat and asking, "What? I… I think I misheard you. You want me to accompany you to a closet?"

"It's a haunted closet!" James yelled quickly and angrily.

"Are you suddenly afraid of the friendly school ghost?" Remus raised an eyebrow while condescendingly voicing his question to James.

"Not by good spirits like Nearly Headless Nick, but by evil spirits! Like..." James struggled to think of an evil spirit, "like The Bloody Barron! BUT WORSE! Much, much worse," he finished gravely, his eyes wide and unfocused.

Remus squinted at his friend appraisingly and rested his head on his hand, elbow on the table. "And why do we need to visit this 'haunted closet'?"

James pulled at his left sleeve with his opposite hand and mumbled, "I may have left the map in there when I found the closet yesterday…"

The silence was excruciating but Remus 'I'm very, very pissed off at you right now and if I could, I would change into the wolf and HURT you right now' glare was worse. "You what?" he said surprisingly calm.

James gulped and cleared his throat. He quickly stammered, "I-I hid there la-last night on my way back from the po-potions cupboard and I gu-guess I dr-dropped it in my haste to get outta there."

Remus's didn't lighten up his glare. "How," he started, his 'H' rolling harshly as he sat up straight, "could you forget The Map?" They'd put so much effort into it! and to have it lost in a closet on the fifth flood because James was a pansy? NOT acceptable!

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" James pleaded, "Now can we just go to the stupid haunted closet to get it?"

Remus stood abruptly and started towards the door before James could say anything. He was out the portrait hole and five angry paces down the corridor before James caught up with him.

"Look, Remus, I'm sorry okay? It won't happen again, I promise!" James pleaded.

Remus whirled around, gabbed a finger in James's face and growled, "Of course it won't, because I'm never letting you even touch the map again!" He then mumbled something about 'if you lose the map this easily, imagine how easily you'll lose your kids.'

A wolf-whistle sounded from down the corridor. Remus's eyes moved, glare still set, and James turned to see Sirius striding towards them with a heavy tome in his hands.

"Wow, Jamesy, what'd you do to get Remus so peeved?"

James opened his mouth to reply but Remus cut him off with a growl, "He lost the map."

Sirius sucked in a shuddering breath and turned his shocked and appalled face to James. "I am shocked and appalled, James! The MAP! Our little mappie-poo! You lost it?!" He threw his book into James's chest, tore past his ex-best friend and buried his head in Remus's chest. "You're not my friend anymore, James!" Sirius wrapped his arms tightly around Remus's waist and snuggled in closer to Remus, pretending to sob.

Remus patted Sirius on the back and then wrapped his arms around the slightly shorter man's shoulders, murmuring, "It's okay, Siri. We'll never let James be in charge of the map again." He nuzzled his nose into Sirius's hair and tried to be inconspicuous as he inhaled Sirius's uniquely delicious sent. Hey, Remus figured, chances like these (usually) only happen once a day, why not take advantage of it? But then Sirius's sent started to affect Remus, because of his hyper-aware sense of smell, so he pulled Sirius off. "We're going to go rescue the map from where James abandoned it, want to come?"

"YES! I MUST RESCUE MY BABY!" He screamed deeply. Sirius tore off down the hallway, skidded around the bend, and suddenly popped his head back over the corner of the wall. "Er, where's the map?"

Remus sighed, rolled his eyes, and smiled slightly before following his friend.

"It's in here…" James stared at the door with a wide eyed look.

"It's such a scary place for my baby…" Sirius mirrored James look of fear.

Remus sighed, "Oh my god, it's a closet guys."

"It doesn't even have a key hole for my baby to have some light to see by…"

Remus rolled his eyes. He reached out and jerked the door open. "Get in," He ordered with a toss of his head, his eyes trained on James's now shocked face.

"Y-you want me in there?" James paled when Remus answered with a nod. "But… but…"

Remus let out an exasperated sigh. When he opened his eyes, he grabbed James by the shoulder and shoved him inside with a call of "Get the map."

When all he heard was a small whimper from inside, Remus followed. "Lumos," Remus surveyed the now slightly lit room; it was bigger than the average broom cupboard, plenty of room for Remus to lie out on the ground, but covered in dust and cobwebs. The werewolf walked in slowly, his back immediately stiffening, feeling the presence James had talked about. "Get the map and let's get out of here."

James nodded quickly, squeaking out a frightened "Mhmmm!" his eyes darting all over the place for the familiar piece of parchment. "THERE!!" James exclaimed, leaning down quickly to grab it off the floor. But as soon as his back straightened and Remus turned to leave the door slammed shut.

"SIRIUS!" James called, slamming Remus against the wall as he tried to reach the door. He grabbed the handled and tried to pull it open. "SIRIUS!" He yelled again, the door not moving. "Let go of the door, Sirius!" James's voice cracked with fright. "This isn't funny!"

"I'm not!" Sirius called back, "It closed on its own!"

"And how do doors do that?!" James screamed.

"I DON'T KNOW! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SAID IT WAS HAUNTED!" Sirius yelled and banged on the door.

"I DIDN'T THINK IT ACTUALLY WAS! BESIDES! HOW DOES A DOOR WITH NOT KEY HOLE LOCK?!"

"SHUT UP!" Remus screamed at his bickering friends. "You two arguing isn't going to get us out of here any faster! So shut up!"

Both arguing men froze and reluctantly saw his logic.

"So what do we do then?" James crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow.

"Either wait it out till the door opens, or go get a teacher."

Twin courses of "Ewww!" met Remus's ears after his second suggestion.

"What would we tell them anyway?" James asked, his node scrunching in thought.

Remus shrugged, "That you had dragged me in here to confess your undying love for me, but we got locked in instead?"

James was cut off for a second time that night when Sirius yelled, "HEY! If anyone's confessing their undying love for Remus tonight it's gonna be me!" He punctuated his sentence with a bang on the door.

Silence.

James smirked suddenly, "You know, Remus, I have always liked you hair."

"Hey!" Sirius called.

"And you're smile." James leered at Remus and wiggled his eyebrows. "How 'bout it?"

Remus stared deadpan at his friend for the briefest of moments. "Oh," he said suddenly, finally getting what James was really saying.

"He's head-over-heels for ya, mate," James whispered, his head jerking for the door.

Remus shook his head quickly, his eyes mistrusting. "No he's not," he whispered back.

James did this trick he'd been doing since third year where one eyebrow went halfway up his forehead while the other nearly touched his cheek.

"NO!" Remus mouthed.

James nodded and stalked Remus till he pushed against the wall behind the door.

"James," Remus said warningly, "what are you doing?"

James shoved the map in his pocket and, before Remus could react, began to tickle his friend.

"James!" Remus cried out harshly, "James!" But soon he was lost to giggles and the occasional "James! Stop!"

Meanwhile, on the other side of the door, Sirius stared at the wood blockade… er, gapped at the wood blockade for the first half-minute of Remus torture.

"HEY!" Luckily he snapped out of it, "James! GET OFF REMUS!"

"Why?" James's slightly hoity voice called, "Remus seems to like my attention!"

"Stop it!" Remus yelled at James, and then yelled to Sirius, "SIRIUS! Get me away from this evil man!" The door handle jiggled but that stopped when Remus's surprised shriek sounded and James's name was lost to muffled syllables.

"Remus!" Sirius yelled through the door, his heart pounding harshly against his chest. What was James doing to HIS Remus?! And more importantly, did Remus like it?

Inside the closet, Remus finally managed to rip James's hand off his mouth and gasped for air. "Jesus! James! I could hardly breathe!"

"Am I that good?"

"At killing people! YES!"

James laughed and called to Sirius, "Want me to stop?" The bespectacled boy reached out and ran the back of his hand over a scar on Remus's neck earning the "HEY! Don't touch that!" like he wanted.

"YES!" Sirius yelled trough the door, "Stop it now!"

"How much do you want me to stop?" James ran his hand along the same scar on Remus neck.

Remus pushed his hand away with a glare and a "Don't touch!" while Sirius called, "A lot!"

"Why?" James grabbed Remus's upper arm, causing a moan and a "Stop it!" to issue from the werewolf's lips.

"You know why!" Sirius sounded mad.

"Mmmm," James flicked Remus's ear.

"Ow!" Remus gripped at his ear, "What was that for?"

James winked in the wand light and yelled to Sirius, "What was that about confessing your undying love?"

"Shut up!" Remus muttered while Sirius yelled the same phrase.

Suddenly there was a 'click!' and the door swung open. It hit James unsympathetically on the shoulder and Remus caught it from hitting his face. He pushed himself from the closet quicker than you could say 'James is a big fat lying pig and hurt Remus for no reason! WHAT! SO! EVER!'

Sirius caught the practically flying werewolf in his arms and Remus looked up into his eyes (because he also practically fell out of the close, having tripped over his shoe) and said, "Next time, can I be trapped in the closet with you?"

"Yes," Sirius replied, nodding quite enthusiastically, "yes you may."

Remus sighed and rested his forehead on Sirius's shoulder, "I look forward to it."

The boys had gotten back to the common room before James realized the map had dropped from his pocket in his Remus torturing. In revenge, Sirius sent him to get it alone.

Also in revenge, the next Saturday James opened in the closet in the boys' dorm to find Remus, half naked, snogging a completely naked Sirius (while also doing other things to him coughboiseckscough)… up against JAMES'S ROBES! THE HORROR!! ……Not.