I don't own Fire Emblem or anything else for that matter aside from my bag of potatoes chips. Please keep your arms on your keyboard and your fingers out of your nose at all times. I apologize if anything in here seems to bash gender or gender roles. Get over it. It's just a FE parody and If you're offended I'm sorry.

"Come on Erkyyyyy!"

"For the 5th time in the past two minutes, NO!"

"It's two weeks till Christmas and I haven't' gotten all my shopping done!"

"Who else do you have to buy for?" Erk snapped, pointing to the over stuffed closet behind him. "You have three closets and the inn bathroom stocked full of junk!"

"It's NOT junk, they're PRESENTS!"

"For who? All the other little gender confused monks back home?"

"…Yes. And we're NOT gender confused! We know perfectly what our genders are!"

"Lucius, will you PLEASE keep your lingerie out of my bathroom!?" Raven walked into the sitting room of the Bern in with a rather revealing piece of clothing in his hand. Erk was sprawled out on a couch reading a book while Lucius was standing beside him, purse in one hand and coat in the other. Erk slowly lowered the book and quirked a brow to look at Raven, then over to Lucius.

"Lucy?"

"I BOUGHT IT FOR FIORA!" Lucius stomped his foot and slapped Erk upside the head with his purse.

"Ow! What was that for!"

"…I wanna go shopping."

"For the last time-"

"Get some milk while you're out." Hector gruffly ordered and scratched his stubbly chin as he lumbered by. "We're out."

"…Ew… someone needs a Mach 3 razor." Lucius' upper lip curled.

"A what?" Erk blinked.

"Never mind, just get off the couch so we can go shopping!"

"Chapter 12 in your Manual of Knightly Prowess!" Wallace lumbered er… paced before Wil. "In order to become a knight you must do manly things!"

"Like saving a princess?"

"No, women complain about that!" Wallace grunted. "They complain that they are independent and don't need men anymore! Bullcrap!"

"How about… uh… protecting the home?"

"That's what those new house alarms are for!"

"So… what IS considered knightly in this day and age?" Wil blinked. Wallace turned to him and thrust a weapon with a large handle at him.

"We battle."

"Battle?" Will swallowed hard.

"Yes… In winter, we battle the armies of white! This is the worst army of all the four seasons! Worse than the green armies of the spring, the brown and blue armies of summer, and the dreaded falling army of the autumn! They creep upon us silently but leave a trail devastating enough for us to kill our selves upon! It is an army that is so cold hearted and slippery that no man, animal, or beast can ever escape! Fighting against this army is considering manly and we are welcome back with warm drinks and food!"

"So… what do we do?"

"You drive the weapon hard into the enemy, lift up, and fling! Pile the enemy in high banks and leave them to rot in the sun! Then, we sprinkle salt on their wounds and laugh as they cry out in pain!"

"And this makes you a knight?" Wil perked up.

"Yes! It is the ultimate manly and knightly event in the winter!" Wallace thrust his fist into the air, weapon in hand.

"Will you guys PLEASE shut up and shovel the snow?" Fiora growled from the doorway. "It isn't going to go away on its on until spring, you know."

"Aye… the army of white is nothing compared to the army of women…" Wallace grumbled as he and Wil began to toss snow into banks along the path from the inn to the road.

"Pegasus bells, Wyvern bells, la la la la la!" Lucius skipped happily along side of a sulky looking Erk as the two of them made their way in the grayish skies of December towards the shopping district of Bern.

"Do you have to sing that? That song is at LEAST a year old."

"It's catchy!"

"Yes, but you'll get Pent started."

"Sorry, what?" Pent stopped conversing with a mailbox and rejoined the mage and the monk.

"Nothing." Erk retorted to his tutor. "Explain to me again why you want to go with us to the mall?"

"Well… Louise said I did a horrible job of shoveling snow so I must go shopping!"

"You want to buy Louise a present to show her you're sorry? That's so sweet!" Lucius swooned.

"Sadly you are mistaken, sir!" Pent patted Lucius head, "There is a new appliance out that I've had my eye on…"

"What does it do?"

"I will find out! Come lads!" Pent pushed open the doors to the medieval shopping mall. "To one of those little shops in the middle of the mall!"

"…I'm so bored."

"Shut up, Shiek."

"No one wants a cell phone anymore."

"I know, Shiek."

"That's because everyone HAS one!"

"Thank you for stating the obvious, Shiek." Link droned on boredly as his co-worker, Shiek, tinkered around or broke something behind him.

"I'm so bored I think I could turn into a woman."

"Wow. That's a first. Not."

"Hey…Let's go get some coffee!"

"You had three cups already!"

"So?"

"I'll tell ya what. If you manage to sell a phone in two minutes, I'll buy you some coffee."

"ok… HEY LADY!" Shiek practically leaped out of the counter and tackled a lady. "BUY A CELL PHONE! YOUR OLD ONE IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT COOL!"

"OMGNOWAY1!11!!!" The lady freaked, immediately purchasing a new phone.

"…You owe me coffee."

"Dammit!" Link slammed his head on the counter, and then slowly looked up. "Huh?"

"What?" Shiek pulled his finger out of his nose to see what Link was looking at.

"They look familiar…oooooh no hide me."

"What?"

"One of them is one of those girls who attacked me when Hyrule was destroyed by that mushroom cloud!"

"…Those are guys."

"The blonde's a girl!"

"Hey, not EVERY blonde guy that looks somewhat girlish is a girl! And trust me… that's a guy."

"…I'm not going to argue with you…"

"Yeah, s'what I thought." Shiek snorted, then offered a friendly greeting to Pent, Erk, and Lucius. "BUY A CELLPHONE!"

"Is this what you were looking for Pent?" Erk eyed the phones while Lucius jumped behind the counter to smother the poor Hylian… ex-hero?.

"Well… phones are cool! You should get one!"

"Why." Erk stated more than asked.

"…because… my sales techniques are so persuasive."

"Are you kidding me? What kind of stupid gimmick is that?"

"I cannot believe you just bought a family plan for the entire fluxing army." Erk's face was as red as his cape as he lugged two huge bags full of phones down the mall.

"They could come in handy on the battlefield!" Lucius insisted. "Like when someone gets lots or needs help, they can just call someone instead of waving their arms frantically and waiting on the unknown force to guide them!"

"…You mean Kate and Mark?"

"Yes."

"…Yeah okay the cell phones WERE a good idea, but do you have any idea how much they cost!?"

"We get calls after 7 and weekends free."

"We can't just fight on weekends and at night!"

"Yes we can! Holiday hours."

"There it is!" Pent clapped his hands together and ran over to the bookstore and coffee shop.

"Huh?" Erk and Lucius followed him inside. Pent dashed over to a desk that held a strange black box with moving pictures on it, and some sort of device in front of it with numbers arranged in a strange pattern. Beside it on the right was a round rock with a cord that trailed to some unknown lair.

"I saw these on the Myrmidon magic box!" Pent explained and sat down before it. "It has something called the Enter Rat on it."

"The… enter rat?"

"Yes!" Pent took hold of the rock with a cord and moved it about. "Now I can finally go to that N'SYNC Web site…"

"Right… well… we're going to leave you here… we'll be back in a few hours." Erk patted Pent on the head, then turned and went back to shopping with Lucius.

"Hector, does this dress make me look fat?"

"Yes."

"HECTOR!" Farina slapped the lord and stormed back into the changing room.

"WHAT?" Hector protested and ignored the comments from Sain and some myrmidons. "I can't win with you! The last time I said no you said I was just saying that! I warned you I'd say yes next time!"

"Ah, you must say something charming, not a yes or no answer." Sain pointed out. "Watch."

"How's this?" Lyn walked out of the dressing room in some dress. "This okay for the party?"

"Ah, Lyn, you look as fair as the moonlight reflecting off the beautiful face of a crystal clear lake."

"Crap! This dress is SEE THROUGH?" Lyn shrieked and ran back into the dressing room.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA!" Pete, Fuzz, and Sherbert pointed and laughed at Sain.

"You SO don't know how to compliment!" Pete snorted.

"Yeah! Watch the experts!" Sherbert flipped his hair behind his shoulder.

"Alright, how's this?" Priscilla walked out in a shimmering green dress.

"Lovely!" Sain commented.

"That looks nice!" Hector agreed.

"What, are you kidding me?" Pete snorted.

"I've seen better dresses on a Turkey!"

"Yeah! You look about as loose as a muffler on a 1987 Ford Pick-up!"

"LORD BROTHER!!"

"HEY!" Raven burst out of a dressing room. "WHO MADE MY SISTER CRY!?"

"Um… CRAP!" the peaches and cream myrmidons gave a shriek and turned tail, Raven right behind them.

"…Is it just me…" Hector whispered to Sain as Raven chased the myrmidons into a random Gothic store. "Or did Raven burst out of Lyn's dressing room?"

"…Oh my."

That's the end of the first chapter! Sorry if it sucked! R/R pleeeeease!