There's a moment in my mind,
I scribbled and erased a thousand times,
Like a letter never written or sent.
-Ben Folds, "Sentimental Guy"
This cycle he's let himself fall into with Carter is tugging him back and forth. She's caught up in it, too. One gets hurt, the other cracks open a little. They draft deathbed confessions, lying awake and wondering if this might be the last time they have to try.
But they are relieved of the duty. The cycle starts all over again. A sigh, glad they're both still alive.
Lather.
The elevator dings open, and boots make a marching, waxy crunch. He has to fight the urge to follow the colored lines on the floor, and just walk from memory.
Today, like everyday, he heads to the briefing room. He makes the mistake of eying his boots while he walks, imagines them attached to some other body, and almost misses his turn.
He sighs as he walks up the spiral of stairs. He acknowledges Hammond at the table, takes his seat across from Carter. Her hair is getting longer again, but not flirting with regulation like it has in the past.
Flirting with regulation, he smirks. How awful. She'll probably cut it again soon.
The briefing turns on after short good mornings fly about. Some planet, some distress. Oh, another world to save, you say? Plans are laid out, Daniel rambles about the peace treaty of the planet's countries, and Jack comments that those never work.
Two hours later, SG-1 is stepping through the gate.
Carter instantly launches into an overview of the atmosphere, the terrain, the energy readings. All the things the MALP, and a previous visit by another team, have already told them. He likes to hear it from her, though, instead of some moon rover.
The wind hits the various thing-a-ma-gigs they seem to amass, each one from a hard lesson learned. Jack kicks a pebble shaded in the grass. He loves the planets with grass, thick and green.
Without warning, a pack of men appear on the ridge north of them.
"12 o'clock!," shouted Jack.
A group of armed men, not unlike themselves, but with that unearthly air, had come over the line of sight. Hands rest on their weapons as each group eye each other.
"You are not allowed here," the leader of the group barks. Daniel whispers to Jack that these are not the men the other SG team spoke with. Jack takes a soft step forwards, to gauge their reaction.
Weapons fly into motion, and he holds his hands in front of himself. "I take it the treaty didn't work out," he drawls.
"We have taken back this land, which is rightfully ours." The man flicks his head in the teams direction. "These," he speaks to his men, "were the people the Aggressive spoke of." He smiles, wicked.
Without a warning, the man raises his weapon and trains it on Carter. "The last mistake you fools will make," he informs, and chaos descends.
Daniel lunges at the man, but the enemy to the leader's left rushes to tackle him. As the men make contact, Teal'c fires his staff weapon with the intent to kill the commander, but he was already being rushed by the right flank of the men, guns drawn. His staff pushed toward the sky. He brought the hind end to catch one of the men in the stomach, but the other two wrestled the staff away and had cast it aside.
Jack pulls the trigger, his weapon already poised with a painfully clear shot with the leader in plain view.
He's startled when his gun does not fire, but jams.
The leader's gun, however, is working perfectly.
He unloads a barrage of tiny projectiles into Carter, who was already firing herself. In the crossfire they both fall backwards as Jack discharges his sidearm into the crowd of enemies, and the rat-tat-tat of a P90 flutters out to his left. The smoke from the weapons fire is beginning to cloud the concentrated battle, but Jack takes aim and let's out a kill shot to the unnamed leader, who goes limp. Carter screams as she continues to fire.
Pivoting on his heal he turns to his team, and takes aim at the man struggling to stab Daniel, who's sidearm is pinned to the ground with the assailants left hand. Two shots are pumped into his back, and he collapses on the ground at Daniel's side. Carter's P90 had already mowed down two of the men who attacked Teal'c, who zated the third twice, instinctively.
When the dust settles, Jack falls to his knees at Carter's side. Assessing. Trying not to panic. Blood is pumping through all the wrong places, and Jack's putting gauze and pressure on all he can.
"Dammit, Carter," he tells her. "Goddamn it."
The dull sound of far away troops rustles about, popping noises of gunfire just out of range.
"Jack," she whispers. She finally let's her gun fall. Daniel is already dialing the gate, the GDO in his hand. Teal'c eases down and takes her into his arms as the gate activates. Jack scans the carnage, not wanting to leave a single survivor.
He pours anger into his radio, yelling that they have wounded, coming in hot. He hears Daniel calling out to him as they rush through the gate, but Jack is already pushing him through.
The last thing he remembers is collapsing as he ran behind the gurney that carried Carter, the glossed over gunshot wound sapping his strength.
He had dreams about people falling apart. How easy it was to kill a man. The pieces of a gun so small and delicate, springs and pins, tiny metal shapes. There's a ticking sound and he assembles.
He's shooting that man, over and over and over, until the parts of him were so small that only the tattered threads of his uniform remained. He looks for the man's gun, only his hands were empty. A gun shaped with a forefinger and thumb. Bang bang, he had chanted.
Carter writhes in the cool grass.
It's inevitable.
The hustle and bustle of the infirmary staff is the first thing he really hears. Lurching forward, his feet slap the floor and nurses come jogging over. They don't tell him to take it easy, or push him into the bed, but just hold out their arms, to catch him if he falls.
"Jack," Daniel calls. He turns towards him, and the stitches in his side itch, not hurt. He opens his mouth to speak, but Daniel cuts him off.
"Two days."
The nurses had walked off by then, and Jack was standing. His head is on a swivel that is stiff and sore. "Daniel," his head his foggy when he finally speaks.
"Give it time, Jack."
Energy surges into him. "Where is she?"
He is already walking away, and Daniel does not follow. "Please, don't," he whispers softly, "Please don't look." Jack does not heed his warning, and pulls the curtain back from the adjacent bed.
It's more déjà vu than anything. He wonders if these moments feel the same to her, when he's the one unconscious. There's been ample opportunity to know.
Daniel comes to stand next to him, and decides it's as good a time as any to brief him. "She suffered massive internal bleeding. She was in surgery for hours, and she lost a lot of blood. She hasn't been conscious since she got to the infirmary." He adjusts his glasses. They watch her breathe.
"But she'll live," says Daniel.
In and out, and he can't help but tell himself that they're going to kill each other, eventually. He doesn't like how his mind is wording the situation. But he knows that's how it is, all things considered. At least this time he knows he won't lose her.
This is a neccessary torture.
General Hammond finally arrives, receiving word that Jack was awake. He motions toward them with a set jaw and sad eyes. "It's good to see you awake, Colonel."
"Yes Sir," he replies curtly. Feet are planted into the hard floor beneath them. They all know he isn't going to leave.
General Hammond sighs. "Daniel and Teal'c gave me a report on what happened. We had no way of knowing the insurgents had taken the gate. It was the worse of circumstances, Jack." He takes a long pause to look at Carter. "The hard truth is possibilities become realities, whether we see them or not."
Jack waits for the "you can't blame yourself" bit. Daniel, eyes cast downward with furrowed brows, blinks slowly. The body language of resigned pity.
"You can't blame yourself," the General finally soothes. Jack swallows a scoff.
I always do.
This is is not the first time.
He hates that it won't be the last, but it beats the alternative.
Rinse.
A month later, they are all spic-and-span. As the gate dials, he hazards a look at Carter.
She's already staring at him, her face neutral. This is her first mission after her recovery.
I trust you, she mouths.
I know, he silently replies.
They both grip their guns.
In this vicious cycle, he wonders who will be the first to break.
Repeat.
A/N: It's almost a joke, really, but I lap it up. They need to resolve this pairing once and for all. With no pretty bow, all I can think of is angst for these two.