I do not own Venture Bros. The characters in this story are property of Jackson Publick, Doc Hammer, and Adult Swim.

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"Wake up. Wake up!" a deep, raspy voice commanded, shaking Rusty's shoulder.

"What? Where am I?" he mumbled.

"You're in the nurse's office. You passed out in class and two of your students carried you here."

His blurry vision cleared, and he saw standing over him none other than...

"Dr. Mrs. The Monarch?" he squeaked.

"What are you talking about?"

"Did you change your code name again?"

"Code name? What? No! I'm the school nurse! Nurse Girlfriend. You must have hit your head pretty hard."

"What the hell is going on here?" he wailed.

"Oh no. I think you have partial amnesia. Do you remember your name?" Nurse Girlfriend asked, cradling his head.

"Of course I do. I'm Thaddius Venture!"

"All right. Do you remember your profession?"

"I'm a super scientist."

"You liked to think you are, but you're only a teacher," Nurse Girlfriend corrected. "At least you're still acting like yourself."

"Oh my god! Who is supervising my students while I'm on this cot?"

"No one. You were lucky enough to pass out right before your prep period."

"Well, I have to go back!"

She sighed. "Fine then. Just so you know, if you were a student I wouldn't let you leave. Since you're an adult, I can't legally keep you."

He stood and felt a bit woozy, but he managed to walk out the door. In a few paces, he saw a sign for a men's room. He decided to go in. Maybe if he splashed some cool water on his face, this would all go away.

"Pete?" he said, surprised to see his friend standing over the sink. It did not surprise him that the albino was snorting cocaine off of the shelf below the mirror. "Thank god you're here too! Can you explain what is happening?"

White was visibly shaken. "I'm sick, Mr. Venture. I have an addiction. I need help! You won't tell Principal Killinger, will you? I'm already on probation for that time I fondled a student's..."

"Whoa," was all Rusty said before he turned and left. He re-entered the restroom and said, "I won't tell Killinger if you help me out. Where is my classroom?"

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"All right," Rusty said, adjusting his glasses, "So, the tardy bell hasn't rung yet, but I think everyone's here. This is AP Bio, right? Right. Gary!"

"Here!" a chubby nerd with long hair exclaimed.

"William Whalen."

"Here!" said a red-haired midget with a large head.

"...Corky Knightrider?"

"Here!" said a voice that reminded Rusty of Ray Romano.

"Is that your real name?" he questioned.

"No! Gary just wrote that one the first day of school! My real name is--"

The tardy bell rang.

"Oh. All right then. Lunch is after this class, right?"

"Yes," the students said in unison.

"Um...after my little bump on the head this morning, I don't remember where the cafeteria is. Can anyone help me out?"

"I'll lead you there, Mr. Venture," Billy volunteered.

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Rusty wandered helplessly through the cafeteria for a moment before he saw Hank and Dean. He strode over to them and sat down.

"You boys won't be too embaressed to have lunch with your old man, will you?" he asked playfully.

"Dean-O, I think this would be a good time for a super run-away...I think our science teacher wants to no-no touch us!" Hank said as though Rusty couldn't hear him.

"Yeah. After what Mr. White did to that dwarf student, I don't feel like taking any chances," Dean replied.

They picked up their trays and relocated to where Triana and Kim were sitting.

Right, so apparently I'm not their father in wherever-the-hell-I-am, Rusty thought. He looked over his shoulder and saw a sign that read "Staff Lounge". "Fine," he muttered to himself.

When he entered, he saw Dr. Orpheus, The Monarch, Pete White, Baron Underbheit, and Brock sitting around a desk at which Henry Killinger sat.

"What's going on here?" Rusty whispered, taking a seat next to Orpheus.

"Faculty meeting. Weren't you informed?"

"Ah, Mr. Venture, you have a arrived," Killinger said. "Now we may begin our meeting. As you know, the school is low in finances, and funding will be cut from one of your departments. It is each of your jobs to explain why your department should be spared. We will begin with Mathematics. As you know, Mr. White, we are looking for a new math teacher. Consider that in your argument."

"What the hell, fella?" White demanded. "You haven't even fired me yet, and you're already looking for my replacement?"

"I do not wish to replace you. As you know, this school usually keeps two math teachers, and Mr. Soriyama has recently passed away. But with our lack of funds, it may be easier to keep only one. If we have to rid ourselves of a math teacher, it will be you, Mr. White. Keep that in mind."

Pete swallowed hard.

Killinger continued, "We move on to the drama department."

Dr. Orpheus stood. Rusty rolled is eyes. This is going to be a show, he thought. It seemed oddly appropriate.

"As you all know, gentlemen, the drama department already shares funds with the library. Cutting funds from the library will rob our students of books and other research materials," he began making grand motions with his hands and arms, "BY CUTTING FUNDS TO THE DRAMA DEPARTMENT, YOU DEPRIVE OUR STUDENTS OF KNOWLEDGE, AND THEREFORE DEFEAT THE VERY IDEALS UPON WHICH THIS SCHOOL WAS BUILT!"

He sat back down, and there was a pregnant silence. It felt like there should have been applause.

"Ah...very persuasive, Mr. Orpheus. Next is the English department."

"Look, man," The Monarch said, "You can't cut funds to the English department. We all know it just isn't done. English is always the last subject on the chopping block."

"Right you are, Mr. Monarch. Next is the foreign language department."

"By cutting funds to the foreign language department, you are forcing our American students to fall behind the rest of the world, where even in third world countries most students speak at least two, often three languages," Underbheit said forcefully.

"Very true. Next is the physical education department."

"Look, a lot of public schools are cutting gym classes, but I think that's totally backward," said Brock, "Obesity is a huge problem, and if we don't force these kids to exercise, who will?"

"Last but not least, the science department."

"Um...well...I...FUCK!!!" Rusty threw up onto the table.

"Well, the decision has been made. Science it is. Meeting adjourned." Everyone filed out of the room...except Brock.

"Made a mess of yourself, huh, Venture?" he asked suggestively.

"Yeah. I hit my head this morning...I've been kind of off all day."

Brock picked him up and put him on the table, his hand snaking under his tweed coat. "Maybe I should turn you back on," he whispered into his ear.

Rusty vomitted again, this time projecting it onto Brock's torso.

"WHAT THE F--" he said in initial shock, but he soon regained his cool. "That's okay. I'm used to nerds puking on me."

Rusty woke up screaming.

"You all right, Doc?" Brock asked. Rusty realized he was lying on the floor of his lab, on his side, held in place by Brock's strong hands. He was facing a puddle of his own vomit, which Helper was attempting to clean.

"I'm in the compound, right? I'm...I'm not a high school science teacher?" he whimpered.

"You were hallucinating. Someone thought it would be funny to fuse...oh, what was it...salvia and Valium and switch 'em out with your diet pills."

"The hell..." Rusty said weakly.

"Probably The Monarch. I'll look into it," Brock said. Helper accidently slapped Rusty in the face with a mop he was using the clean the vomit.

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A/N: My response to yet another writing prompt from Pretty in Scarlet. She suggests I expand this into an AU series. Anyone else agree?