Harry Potter and the Mystical Bridge of Althea
Harry Potter clutched his left shoulder in agony. It had just been torn open by a particularly nasty magic spell wielded by none other than He Who Must Not Be Named, Voldemort. "Voldemort!" he screamed across the bridge, "You will not bother our lands any longer!"
"Do not be so sure!" Voldemort hissed, while he prepared another spell. "I defeated your parents, so I most certainly can defeat you!"
"I don't think so," shouted Harry in response, "for I have one weapon at my disposal that you do not!"
"Oh?" said Voldemort. "I'd love to hear this one."
Harry lifted the bottom of his robe and a giant howitzer cannon appeared between Harry's legs. Before Voldemort had a chance to respond, it fired an explosive shot, utterly destroying Voldemort in his tracks.
Harry sighed in relief as the cannon contracted. He knew that Voldemort was defeated for now, but he would soon come back later for his revenge.
The End
Harry Potter and the Mysterious Caverns of Blood
Harry Potter could not help but look disgusted, as he waded in blood waist-deep throughout the cavern. "This is awful," said Ron behind him. "How did we ever end up in here? And why is there all this blood?"
Harry thought back a few days ago. Ron and himself had been standing around outside of Hogwarts, pretending to smoke cigarettes and look cool for the ladies, when they saw a strange looking guy in a dark cloak standing nearby. He had a stand set up reading "Moldevort's Amazing Wizard Ice Cream Confections." Seeing as how they both needed a snack, they stopped over to buy some. As soon as they both took that first bite they had gone unconscious and ended up in this weird cavern full of blood. "It's really disgusting in here, you know!" Ron complained.
Just then a light shone down on them from above. "Hey you kids!" said a stern voice. "What are you doing playing in that spaghetti sauce?" It turns out that they were not in caves of blood after all but were just in a particularly messy spaghetti sauce plant instead.
The End
Harry Potter and the Late Bus
Harry Potter stood on the corner, impatiently tapping his foot. He had been waiting for the bus for the past 10 minutes but it had not yet arrived. "Stupid public transportation," Harry thought gloomily to himself. "It's a shame I have to be in the muggle world for a while, but you have to do what you have to do, I suppose."
He then thought back to his adventures at Hogwarts. Specifically, he thought about that when he had managed to pants Ron. He had a great laugh at that one while Ron ran after him screaming and hobbling with his pants around his ankles.
He started to think about Voldemort and how he was going to deal with that problem when just then, the bus arrived. Harry got on it and the bus sped away into the sunset.
The End
Harry Potter and the Premarital Sex
Harry was lying in bed next to Cho, basking in the warm afterglow of premarital sex. "That was amazing" Harry said as he turned to her. "But something does not feel right."
"I know what you mean," she replied. "I have a feeling that something is about to go dreadfully wrong..."
Just then, Dumbledore appeared next to the bed, scaring Harry and Cho half to death! "What are you doing here, old man?!" Harry said, somewhat angrily.
"I heard there were some young wizards partaking in premarital sex!" said Dumbledore. "This is a big no-no, and I need to set you younguns straight!"
"What do you mean?" said Cho.
"Well... first of all, did you use a wizard's condom?" Dumbledore said to Harry.
"What? No! Those don't feel very good!" said Harry.
"That's awful!" said Dumbledore. "For starters, you could get an awful wizard's STD. Those are particularly bad, you know. They say that the reason Voldemort became so evil is because he contracted a particularly virulent one! Very bad business indeed!"
"Gasp!" said Harry.
"And that is not all!" said Dumbledore, turning to Cho, "You could have become pregnant and ruined your life! You would have had to drop out of Hogwarts and sold yourself as a magical prostitute!"
"No, anything but that!" said Cho.
"We're sorry, Dumbledore! We won't do it ever again!" said Harry.
"Good!" said Dumbledore. "Just remember, the more you know, the better equipped you are to lead a long and fulfilling life!"
Then Dumbledore left.
The End
Harry Potter and the Dieting Woes
Harry Potter sat, moping in front of his plate of carrots and celery. He had been getting a bit heavy around the middle, so Ginny gave him this as his lunch. "Ginny, this isn't going to work!" said Harry. "No matter what I eat, I gain weight, and it just won't come off!"
"Nonsense, you're the most famous wizard who ever lived and my husband! You can shed a few pounds!" Ginny retorted.
"You know, I hate carrots anyway," said Harry. "They remind me of my first year at Hogwarts when..."
"Oh you and your Hogwarts reminiscing!" said Ginny. "Why, I have half a mind to curse you so that you start itching uncontrollably when you even THINK of Hogwarts! Now eat those carrots!"
Ginny turned around to tend to their baby. While she was distracted, Harry pulled out his wand and silently chanted a spell to change the carrots into chocolate bars before he ate them. He hated to go behind her back like this, but sometimes a man just needs chocolate in this harsh, harsh world.
The End
Harry Potter and the Miss Cleo Go Shopping
Harry pushed his cart around the wizard supermarket aimlessly, looking for his favorite brand of wizard's breakfast cereal and trying to ignore his companion. "Here now, Potter! Dis be what yer lookin' fer!"
"Cleo, I've told you a hundred times, that's not it."
"Miz Cleo saw it in de cards! She know that you be searchin' for dis very ting!"
Harry rolled his eyes. Ever since he had been caught broomriding under the influence by the wizard police, he was forced to hitch a ride to the supermarket with Miss Cleo, whom he quite frankly could not stand. She was nice enough, but her obsession with her tarot cards was a bit much.
"Can you please move those skinned chickens so they're not touching my bread. That can't be sanitary."
"Miz Cleo don't take no stock in germs! She only take stock in de cards, fer dey do not lie!"
Harry rolled his eyes again. This was going to be one long day.
The End
Harry Potter and the Cut-Off Story
Harry Potter stood trapped between a rock and a hard place. On one side of the vast arena, there was Ginny, tied up and about to be brutally murdered by one of Voldemort's thugs. On the other side, a ticking wizard's time bomb which, if it went off, would destroy London entirely. And in the middle of it all, there was Voldemort himself.
"Well, Harry, I see that you seem to be in a bit of a pickle. Which will you choose? Will you save your girl and doom the city? Or will you save the city... and doom your girl?"
A lump formed in Harry's throat. He knew that there must be some way to do both, some way to foil Voldemort's evil plan.
Just then, a horrible crashing sound came from behind Harry. He turned around, and sa
The End
Harry Potter and the Crushing Boredom
Harry sat, twiddling his thumbs. He glanced at the clock for a moment and watched the second hand tick for precisely 15 seconds before resuming his twiddling. Ron lay on the couch nearby, a newspaper draped across his face, half-awake. He shifted ever-so-slightly and mumbled "Harry?"
Harry, who was drawing in the dust on the tabletop, said "Yuh?"
"Figure out anything to do yet?"
"Naw."
"Oh."
Ron kicked his left foot against the back of the couch for a bit, while Harry yawned enormously. Harry glanced at the clock again. Only 30 seconds since he had last looked at it. He picked his nose for a second, then realized what he was doing and stopped. "Figure anything out yet?" Ron said.
"Naw."
"Why not?"
"'cause."
"Oh."
Harry yawned again and started cleaning his fingernails idly, while Ron took the initiative to start picking at his teeth. "Y'know what, Ron?"
"What?"
"Maybe defeating Voldemort wasn't such a good idea after all."
"Yeah."
Harry glanced at the clock again to see that the time, again, had barely changed. If this was what things were going to be like from now on, he dreaded tomorrow.
The End
Harry Potter and the Nudie Wizard Magazine
Harry was sitting in the unisex restroom at Hogwarts, enjoying a little "private time" with his favorite adult magazine, Playwizard. He had traded the twins several weeks' worth of his allowance for the chance to get it and was enjoying every minute of it. He had chosen the unisex bathroom in particular because, from what he could see, nobody ever used it, so he could be left alone with his... "thoughts."
Unfortunately, disaster struck. Just as he was ogling the centerfold, Hermione happened to barge in, and stood in shock at what she was seeing. "Harry!" she almost screamed, "what are you doing?!"
"Uhhhh" Harry sputtered, attempting to hide all the evidence. "It's, uh, not what it seems!"
"I have half a mind to report you for this!" Hermione said. "Why would you do... that? In here?!"
"Well, uh, er..." he said.
"Frankly, I don't know if I can ever see you in the same way again. I respected you, Harry, and now I know you're just a big ole pervert!" She then stormed out, leaving Harry to his disarray.
He sat there for a moment, dumbfounded. Then he thought, "Well, if she's finally left, maybe I can finish up here."
The End
Harry Potter and the Awful Fanfiction
Harry Potter gaped in bewilderment at the story he saw before him. He had discovered that one of the younger students was writing these rather... weird stories about him. It was so befuddling that he decided to call Draco over. "Hey Draco!" said Harry. "Get a load of this thing!"
"Why should I?" said Draco, venomously.
"Just look at this ridiculous story. It's so bogus."
"I don't see why I should."
"Just get a laugh out of it? Come on, it won't take long."
"Well fine." Draco sat down heavily next to Harry. "But make this short."
"Well, OK, but I think you'll get a kick out of it!"
This is the story they found:
hary potter and the kissing draco all over
hary was siting down in his study when draco came by and said "omg hary you are so hot why don't we make out right here right now."
"ok" hary said and they began 2 maek out with each other which was realy hot and sexy and hary said "oh no why are we making out we hate each other"
"but we do not truly hate each other we love each other" draco said
"ok" hary said and they kept makeing out and the makeing out became more and more sexy and then they started 2 do things that are too hot 2 write about!
this story is a work in progress plz give comments thx
"Wow, that is a pretty bad story," Draco said.
"And completely wrong!" said Harry.
"You're right," said Draco. "We skip the kissing and go straight to the good parts!"
And so Harry and Draco flew off away together forever on a magical rainbow-colored cloud of love and merriment.
The End
Harry Potter and the Battle with Terminal Cancer
Harry lay in bed, barely strong enough to move of his own accord. He had been here in this hospital bed for the past several months and it had become depressingly clear; Harry was going to die.
The well-wishers had come in droves at first, shocked that the world's most famous wizard had been struck down with such a terrible affliction. It had made the world news, Harry Potter, Slayer of Voldemort, Diagnosed with Uncurable Cancer. He had received thousands of letters then, and so many presents. But now, people had become accustomed to the idea, as sad as it was, that Harry was going to die, and the letters slowed, the visits nearly stopped. Only his closest, nearest, and dearest friends and loved ones still arrived, but even then the visits were becoming less frequent as Harry's condition deteriorated.
Harry turned his neck weakly to see that more of his hair had fallen out. He was certain that he was nearly bald now as the wizard's chemotherapy had taken its toll. His thin frame was racked with a series of hacking coughs. Oh how he wished it would all just end, instead of prolonging this torture further.
Harry turned his head again to look out the window. It was such a beautiful day. He could remember when he was still strong enough to go out in it, to run about on the grass and play mock games of wizard's rugby with Ron, to gaze up at the stars with Ginny... but all that was gone to him now.
Harry coughed again, more violently than before, this time bringing up bloody spittle from deep within him. He was so cold. He wished so very much that the coldness would stop.
So cold.
The End
Harry Potter and the LiveJournal Account
Harry Potter sat in front of his computer screen, brooding. He had managed to sneak a computer into his room when his aunt and uncle weren't looking, and he found himself drawn to the site. He figured that there would be no harm in creating an account since he was only famous in the wizarding world and wizards weren't up on their computer literacy yet. However, the site had wrought a perceptible change on Harry.
"Today, my uncle mistreated me yet again," typed Harry. "It is obvious that he does not understand me, and I do not understand it anymore myself. I cut myself, to see if I might still feel something in this darkened, withered shell that I call a body, but alas, I feel as if I am too deadened to pain."
Harry sat for a moment, a tear smudging his dark eyeliner. "At least I have my Bauhaus albums to keep me company," said Harry. "You have no idea how well their music speaks to my personal darkness, which--"
Just then, Ron showed up by his window on his broom. "Hey Harry! I'm setting you fr- man, Harry, what the hell? You look like Robert Smith's younger brother!"
"Go away," said Harry. "I wish to wallow in my own pity and self-loathing. I have no more need for the likes of you."
"Well that's too bad," said Ron, "because I was setting us up on some dates with some pretty wizard girls, and..."
"Well that's different!" said Harry, and he magically got back into his regular clothes and sped off on the broom with Ron.
The End
Harry Potter and the Underground Drug Ring
Harry Potter kicked open the door of the warehouse, where a bunch of no-good thugs were sitting around the table counting their dirty money. "I knew I smelled a bunch of rats," Harry said with a sneer.
"Well if it isn't Harry Potter!" said one of the thugs.
"I think I'm going to have to punish you boys," Harry said.
"Oh yeah?" the thug said, pulling out a wizard's machine gun. "Well what're ya gonna do about it?"
Harry took a cool drag of his cigarette and let it drop to the floor. Before it could hit, Harry had already pulled out his dual wizard deagles and filled the air with hot lead. Half of the thugs became little more than twitching, bleeding bodies on the floor, while the rest hid behind some nearby crates. "Get him!" shouted the lead thug, who opened fire at the spot where Harry had been standing.
The thugs paused. Where had Harry vanished to? Just then, more shots rang down from the ceiling, wounding several more of them. "What's going on here?" said the thug. "He's like some sort of super magical man! I ain't never dealt with this much power!"
Soon only the leader was left. Nervously, he looked side to side, trying to find him. Just then, he felt the hot barrel of one of Harry's guns at the back of his head. "Game over," Harry growled. He then pulled the trigger, where the gun took the top of the thug's head clean off.
Harry took out his wizard's cell phone and called the wizard authorities. He knew he had done a good deed today, and that he was no longer needed here. He walked out of the warehouse and into the sunset. He would come back, whenever he was needed to fight crime again.
The End
Harry Potter and the Parliamentary Round-Table Discussion Concerning the Future State of the Economy
Harry Potter shuffled some papers at his desk and stated, brusquely, "You know as well as I do, Ron, that your protectionist policies will not get us anywhere in this day and age."
"I disagree," said Ron. "The effects of free trade have been deleterious to the wages and well-being of the common worker, and I believe that we must look for their well-being."
"But what would your policies do, other than drive the price of goods back up again?" Harry retorted. "Then your protectionism will have been entirely in vain."
"I hardly believe that someone who believes in deregulation of corporate entities such as yourself would have any real inkling as to the plight of the common man," said Hermione as she adjusted her reading glasses. "Believing that money will flow from the top down to the employees is ludicrous at best."
"Hermione, I often agree with you," said Ron, "but your proposed fines for environmental concerns are simply too stiff, and may drive many businesses to fire their workers to keep upholding the bottom line."
"I am simply thinking of future generations, Ron, you know that," said Hermione.
"It won't do them much good if they can't even feed themselves."
Just then, the door burst open. "Neville reporting! I'm sorry to interrupt your meeting, but Voldemort is wreaking havoc again!"
Harry gathered his papers. "Well, it looks like we'll have to finish this some other time. What a bother."
"It's a shame, I think the conversation was really heading somewhere," said Ron. "But what can you do?"
Thusly, they stood and walked out the door to meet the challenges of the day once again.
The End
Harry Potter and the Wonders of Diversity
Harry Potter stood in deep thought. Something was bothering him about school, and he wasn't sure what it was, exactly. "Hey Harry, what's up!" Ron said to him.
"Ron... I'm not sure how to put this..."
"Yes...?" Ron said, slightly confused.
"...but hasn't Hogwarts always seemed... well... awfully white to you?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, it's just that. White. Most of the professors are white, the students are white, everywhere just a sort of creeping whiteness. It's just kind of... unsettling."
"Harry, I think you're putting too much thought into things."
"Well, I don't know. Something seems not right about this. I think... maybe I should transfer."
"Transfer? Out of Hogwarts? Where would you go?"
"I think I have an idea."
And thus Harry transferred out of Hogwarts to the nearby PC School of Diversity and Understanding, where he soon befriended an asian, a black, a Mexican, and a kid in a wheelchair, and they all lived diversely ever after.
The End
Harry Potter and the Void of Nothing
Harry Potter stood (if you could truly call it standing), looking outward. It didn't really matter if he had his eyes open or not, since he always saw the exact same thing; nothingness.
But that was fine. He had known the risks when he had walked behind that curtain in a last-ditch effort to find Sirius. He was old now, or at least he had been when he entered that void behind the curtain. 107, he had been. Sufficiently old enough to where it didn't matter if he lived or died.
He had no idea how long he had been in the void, since time had no meaning here. Nothing happened. Nothing to see, nothing to feel, nothing to do but think, endlessly. Was this the afterlife? Was this what death was truly like? Why had he not found anyone else in the void, much less Sirius.
Harry closed his eyes. He knew that he would spend eternity here. And he, strangely, was fine with that.
The End
Harry Potter and the Babes of SkyMall
Harry Potter wasn't sure exactly how he had gotten invited, but he was delighted to be present at the photo shoot. "I guess it was only a matter of time before my celebrity became this well-known," Harry said. "Lounging around on a set all day with a bunch of gorgeous women, man that is the life for me."
Then Harry woke up.
The End
Harry Potter and the Bakes a Cake
Harry Potter stared at the directions written on the box of cake mix intently. He was attempting to surprise Ron with a birthday party but the preparations were not going so well. He hadn't heard of half of the ingredients required on the back of the box and the preparation instructions seemed a bit peculiar.
"Stir with hand clockwise three turns, then counterclockwise five. Be precise, lest the cake batter erupt from the bowl and burn your face off" he read aloud to himself. "Geez, I never had this much trouble making a non-wizard's cake."
Just then, a frog jumped out of the mixing bowl. "Damn it!" Harry said, "Get back in there! You're supposed to be the primary ingredient!"
But it was too late. The frog had already jumped across the floor and out a nearby window where it touched a box of radioactive waste and grew to several times its own size before the ground collapsed beneath it.
"Oh hell with it, I'll just buy one at the wizard's bakery" Harry said.
The End
Harry Potter and the Adorable Kitten
Harry Potter pet the adorable kitten that had just been given to him. "Wow, this really is a cute kitten," said Harry.
"I'm glad yer like it, Harry," said Hagrid. "Found 'er livin' under the floorboards, which ain't no place for a little cutie such as that."
"It's definitely wonderful," said Harry, "but I really can't take it right now. Can't you keep it?"
"Oh, no, couldn't. I already have me dog, and b'sides, me and cats don't get along so well."
"Why not?" said Harry.
"Well... let's just say... well, best not to bother ya. Well, if you won't take 'er, I know a good home for her, so just go on back to class."
Harry did as he was told, thinking warm, fuzzy thoughts about the kitten. Meanwhile, behind him, Hagrid had popped the kitten into his mouth and was steadily chewing. He had always liked the taste of kittens. It brought a smile to his face.
The End
Harry Potter and the HERMIONE DIES
Harry Potter stood in disbelief at what he saw before him. It was Hermione... dead!
Harry fell to his knees, such was his shock and disbelief. Hermione was one of his oldest, dearest friends. Surely she couldn't have died... not like that!
Harry woke with a start. It had all just been a dream! He hadn't seen Hermione die before him at the hands of Voldemort after all! But wait... someone was lying in bed next to him. He looked carefully and saw that it was Hermione... dead! She had been strangled!
Harry woke with another start at his desk. He had been working so hard on his homework that he had fallen asleep right there. Harry wiped the sweat from his brow. At least it had all just been a dream. But then, he received a call on his wizard's phone. He answered it. A voice on the other end rasped evilly in his ear. Hermione was dead! And he had killed her!
Thus we have young Harry Potter. Stuck forever in a loop of death and decay. Stuck forever... in The Twilight Zone.
The End
Harry Potter and the Yearly Physical
Harry Potter stood stripped in front of the wizard doctor. He always dreaded going in for his annual checkup, but he knew that it had to be done to ensure his future good health. However, he was not particularly impressed with wizard doctoring procedures.
The doctor looked Harry over and said. "Very good. Now hold still..." while he chanted a magic spell to look Harry over.
Harry, unfortunately, chose that moment to cough and disrupted the doctor's concentration, causing the spell to misfire and Harry's left arm to fall off. "Oh no, Mr. Potter. Now we'll have to have that reattached" the doctor said.
Harry sighed. Something like this happened every year.
The End
Harry Potter and the Mysterius Barking
by andy, age 6
Harry Potter was laying in bed one night. He was excited about all the cool things he was going to do when he heard a weird noise! He looked out the window and saw a scary monster!!! harry was scared and did not know what to do when the monster ran away. I guess it is not scary after all said Harry and he went after it to see why the monster was running when he realized he was in a spooky scary place! That place was the stupidest place on earth! Harry could not believe all the stupid things he was seeing! It had cars that were driving under water and birds that werent flying and bildings that were upside down. Wow this is stupid Harry said why would anyone want to come to such a stupid place??? so he walked inside a cave that looekd really stupid but then he stopped because things got really spooky. Oh no this must be where the scary monster lives Harry said so i had better be careful. I hope i have my flashlight harry also said and he did and he turne dit on and the light went right in the eyes of the scary monster! It was big and purple and had big teeth and a hundred eyes and it made a really scary and weird noise like Lac-lac-ooooooooooooooooooooo!!! harry was so scared by this that he ran away and went back to his bed and hid under the covers. His dad woke him up and said whats wrong son and harry said i just saw a big scary monster. Oh no it was not a monster it was me all along said dad and they both had a good laugh.
The End
Harry Potter and the Ultimate Showdown against Gandalf
Harry Potter stood defiantly before Gandalf. "Look here, old man," Harry said with a smirk. "Nobody cares about you anymore! All they care about is me! There aren't any kids who know about Gandalf, but all of them know about me, Harry Potter!"
"I grow tired of your prattling. Speak now of what you came here to see me for."
"Well, Gandalf, I'm challenging you to a wizard's duel! That way, you can see once and for all who's the greatest wizard of all!"
"A fair proposal. Let it begin."
So Harry and Gandalf got ready to engage in the time-honored tradition of the wizard's duel. "On the count of three, old man!" said Harry. "Then you'll see just how badly your butt's going to get kicked! One..."
Before Harry had a chance to count further, Gandalf launched a giant fireball at Harry and turned him into a smoking crater. Gandalf walked up to it and shook his head sadly. "I hated to do that to the kid," said Gandalf, "but he really should have known better."
The End
Harry Potter and the Tea Party with Satan
Harry Potter took a draught of the tea sitting in front of him. It was peppermint, his favorite. "I'm so glad I could talk to you today, Satan," he said to the lord of darkness sitting across from him.
"Oh, it was no problem at all. Needed a bit of a break from torturing souls for all of eternity, you know."
"Yeah, I know how that is," Harry said, chuckling. "So, how are things?"
"Same as they always are and always will be. You know, Harry, I have to congratulate you for sending more souls my way?"
"Oh, you mean how I turn children to witchcraft and subvert their souls from Heaven for all eternity?" he said.
"Yes, quite. Even that Pokemon stuff isn't nearly as effective as you."
"Well, you know I try my best." Harry finished his tea off. "Well, have fun, old sport. Have to get back to subverting the youth and all."
"See you later, Harry," said Satan. "And remember, I have a special place down below for you!"
"Oh, don't I know it!" said Harry, as he put on his jacket. Then Harry left the scene and took a taxi back to Hogwarts.
The End
Harry Potter and the J.K. Rowling's Gigantic Piles of Money
Harry Potter stood in the entrance while he watched his creator, J.K. Rowling, swim in her sea of money she had accumulated in a special room built specifically for that purpose. Once she had amused herself with this for long enough, she invited Harry over. "So, Harry, what do you have to talk to me about?" J.K. said as she used a towel to rub off the pennies and dimes sticking to her body.
"Well, it's about the money..." Harry said.
"Whatever for?" said J.K. in response as she used a solid gold hair brush to put her hair back in place.
"Well, I've made an awful lot of money for you, but I haven't seen any of it."
"Harry, I think you're forgetting something here," J.K. said. "You don't actually exist. You are a fictional entity. I made you, I wrote your books, I created everything, good or bad, that ever happened to you. It's completely illogical for you to want my money. In fact, it's completely illogical for this conversation to be happening in the first place."
"Oh," said Harry, and he disappeared in a puff of logic.
The End
Harry Potter and the Harry Potter
Harry Potter looked at himself. "Well, I'm looking rather handsome today!" Harry said.
"Yes indeed!" said Harry Potter. "I'm the most handsome I have ever been!"
"Nothing could be better in the world than looking at myself!" said Harry Potter.
"Harry!" shouted Ron, "did you enchant the mirror to talk to you again? It's really weird, and I wish you'd stop."
Harry looked dourly over in Ron's direction for a second, then turned back to the mirror. "It's OK, me, Ron doesn't actually understand me."
"I agree completely with what I just said," said Harry. "Let's set his hair on fire later."
The End
Harry Potter and the Writer's Block
"Harry Potter was juggling several landmines when..."
KawaiiBishieSephiroth13 crumpled the paper in front of him angrily. "No, no, no! That's stupid!" He chucked the paper into a nearby trash can and started to angrily pace the room. "Damn it, why did I say I was going to write 30 short stories about Harry Potter? This is ludicrous! I can't even finish a simple Mario story, and here I am thinking I can write 30 about Harry Potter! What was I thinking?"
He sat down and attempted writing again. "Harry Potter and Ron Weasley walked into a bar when..." He crumpled the paper again. "No! This isn't working!"
Just then, the goddess of divine light and being and creativity and Harry Potter fanfiction came down from the heavens and touched KawaiiBishieSephiroth13 on his troubled, furrowed brow. "Fear not, gentle creature," said the goddess. "Your mind will clear, and you will be able to finish your quest."
"You promise?" said KawaiiBishieSephiroth13.
"It will be so."
She then ascended into the heavens. "What an amazing experience!" said KawaiiBishieSephiroth13. "Now I know I can finish this!"
And so he continued his quest to write his 30 Harry Potter short stories with this small addition:
Harry Potter and the Story in which You Write the Other Half
One day voldemort was going by and then he said me going to kill harry potter. harry: what did you say voldemort? voldemort: me said shut your fat mouth
KawaiiBishieSephiroth13 looked at this story on the page carefully. Then he shrugged and said "eh, good enough."
The End
Harry Potter and the Meets the Grammar Nazi
Harry Potter was walking around aimlessly when he was suddenly stopped in his tracks by a peculiar man. "I wish to complain about your previous adventures!" said the man.
"Why would you want to do that?" Harry replied, slightly befuddled.
"They were riddled with grammatical errors! In fact, the title of this story is one big error! Why are your standards so lax?!"
"Perhaps it's just a stylistic decision," Harry replied, wondering just what in blazes was going on here.
"Style, nothing! There's absolutely nothing commendable about not writing in perfect English!" said the man. "Look, I'm sorry, but I simply can't allow this to continue any longer! This is simply too much and is getting on my nerves! I--"
Then Harry turned the man into a toad and continued on his way.
The End
Harry Potter and the Destruction of All That Is And Ever Will Be
Harry angrily knocked over the Wizard's Chess board. "Ron, you cheated again! I just know it!" he yelled.
Ron shook his head. "I'm sorry, Harry, you clearly lost that time. I didn't do anything wrong. You're just not as good as I am and you're sore about it."
"What are you talking about, 'not as good?!'" Harry shouted. "I'm Harry Potter, and I'm the best there's ever been!"
"Harry, you've always been a bit of a sore loser," Ron said as he picked the pieces back up. "Just admit it, I won fair and square, and you lost fair and square."
"I'm sick of this!" Harry bellowed. "I wish I didn't have to play this dumb game ever again!" Then Harry stopped. He just had an idea. A truly awful idea. Quietly to himself, he started chanting the most awful and powerful of magic spells known to the wizarding world.
At first, Ron wasn't paying attention, as Harry always mumbled angrily to himself after he lost a game. But then Ron caught some of the words that Harry was saying... and became alarmed. "Harry! No! Don't chant that spell!"
Harry continued chanting, unabated. "It was just a game, Harry!" said Ron. "Please, you don't know what you're doing! Stop!"
But it was too late. The spell had already been cast and already the world started to lose its structure. Molecular bonds broke, compression took place, and soon, everyone and everything in the world, nay, the universe were in the center of a new Big Bang.
Needless to say, nobody ever bested Harry Potter at wizard's chess again.
The End
Harry Potter and the Glass of Water
Harry Potter was sitting at the breakfast table, staring at a glass of water. The water in question had been obtained at great length and with great danger from a magical spring in Ireland, and it was claimed to be the most pure water in the world. Harry licked his parched lips and downed the water. It tasted wonderful.
The End