So I was over on tumblr lamenting the end of the manga when I stumbled upon the following post.
wholenewworldofkink:
Quick somebody write me a funny AU where kakashi is the UPS man who's never on time and iruka has an online shopping addiction. I need this in my life.
I don't know what happened, but I wrote this.
"You know, I think this is a real problem you've got."
Iruka gave her an unimpressed look. "And I think you've had too much to drink."
Tsunade scoffed, "Is that any way to talk to your boss?"
When everyone continued to ignore her, she began muttering importantly under her breath. Kotetsu began fiddling with a tall stack of small boxes, all of which had the Amazon logo obscured with labels like 'Science', 'Art', and 'Personal'.
"You know what they call this?" Tsunade loudly whispered to Shizune, "Hoarding."
She was ignored.
"I do think she has a point though." Izumo stated. "School doesn't start again for another five weeks, its little early to be buying all these supplies."
"Speaking of summer, how is the track season going?" Shizune chirped over her glass of wine.
"Great!" Kotetsu responded enthusiastically before Izumo could answer. "We had so many kids come out, we almost didn't know what to do with them all!"
"Almost!" Izumo added in hastily. Party or no, he didn't want the school principal thinking they couldn't handle their jobs. Although Tsunade appeared a quite tossed, she was still razor sharp.
"But not so many we had to order a million of whatever that is," Kotetsu quipped in what we're sure he thought was a charming and quiet tone, much to the irritation of Iruka, who was quick to tuck the blue, child sized abomination out of sight.
"Would you give it a rest! School is starting again soon and the pressure is really on this year!"
Jiraiya, assistant vice principal and health teacher, couldn't stifle a snort. "What pressure?"
Iruka appeared as though he wished he hadn't said that. "You know..."
"No we don't know," Leered Tsunade, who seemed to have recovered from being miffed earlier. "Please share with your peers!"
He scowled at her. "If you must know, classes will be bigger than ever this year and in addition to extenuating relationship circumstances," There were several uncomfortable coughs at this break-up reference, "It will also be my first year with Asuma and Kurenai's daughter."
Asuma laughed, the thundering sound filling the cluttered apartment warmly. "You're worried? She's 13, I doubt you could make her any worse. Just don't tell her any special secrets about us and I'll call it good."
"And don't let her run with scissors," Kurenai added, pointing a long finger at him.
"Theres no pressure from us, Iruka." He confirmed with a smile.
Iruka's expression softened, but before he could voice his thanks Tsunade chimed in once more.
"But your little problem is why we're all here, isn't it?"
The glare returned.
"What do you mean?" He snapped.
She shrugged, refilling her glass with an deliberately casual air. "Well, you've ordered enough 'supplies' to know that this is a chronically late closet pervert, right?"
Iruka huffed. "It would hardly take a single package to proof that."
"Now that I think about it, Amazon does have a lot of great teacher deals this month," Asuma contributed.
He was ignored.
"Wait a minute," Jiraiya grinned, "What is this about closet perv-age? I missed that one."
There was a collective groan from everyone on the administrative side of the school district.
"We didn't tell you because we didn't want your head getting any bigger than it already is," Tsunade grumbled.
"Just what is that supposed to mean!"
Shizune gave a dainty shrug. "He's a fan of your works."
Instantly, his eyes and mouth widened in an exceptionally pleased way. "He's not a pervert at all!"
"Great, this again." Kotetsu whispered to Asuma.
"He is merely an admirer of the finer things." He began, swirling his wine like a coinsurer, giving it a loving eye.
"Lets not forget about the ass-ogling," Tsunade interrupted.
This sent Kurenai into a fit of giggles.
"What?!" Kotetsu managed to gasp through his laughter.
Iruka turned to the pair with a look of death no where near as frightening as Yamatos.
"He stares at my ass. Happy? He's chronically late, chronically perverted, and somehow still employed."
"Have you ever reported him?" Shizune asked mildly.
"I've complained about his lateness, but-"
At that moment, the doorbell rang.
A hush fell as Iruka made his way through the sea of boxes and opened the door, revealing the looming figure of a lanky, surprisingly handsome man in the tan button up typical of the UPS. Even with a procedure mask obscuring much of his face, he appeared to be smiling.
"Yo. UPS."
His voice was deep and rich, calm in the face of what was bound to be an awkward encounter. Iruka's heart raced with what he hoped was indignation.
"You're late." He firmly stated.
"Ah, yeah."
"'Yeah'? UPS said you would be here between three and five, its almost seven!"
"You see, I was on my way here, early even, when a pack of elderly men and women had a simultaneous conflict flashback; they thought my truck was an enemy tank. They nearly took me down, but I escaped unharmed."
Someone inside snickered.
Kakashi leaned over, peering past the fuming Iruka.
"Having a party?"
Iruka felt his face heart drop. At this point he wasn't sure if they had come over to have an intervention about his online shopping addiction or meet (and heckle) the man he'd been complaining about for two solid weeks.
Probably both.
"Of sorts," He replied tightly.
"Its good to see you're so popular."
Startled, he looked up into his silver eyes. Kakashi was teasing him.
"He's cuter than I thought he'd be," Iruka heard Tsunade comment. He shut his eyes. That did not just happen. That did not just happen. That did not just-
"Thank you."
Happen.
"Hey, why are you wearing that mask?"
Iruka tried counting backwards from ten. First he would kill Tsunade, then he would kill Kotetsu, then-
"Anthrax. When I was just a young postman in New York City, I actually delivered a letter that had been coated with anthrax by the poster. All very dangerous, I narrowly escaped. Very exciting."
Iruke could barely contain himself. What a liar!
"A man who likes excitement, eh?" Came Jiraiya's knowing joke.
"Look," He finally cut in, frustration levels critical. "I'd like to get back to the party. Can you please leave?"
"Sure," Kakashi answered, a lilt to his voice that made Iruka's stomach flutter. "Right after you sign here."
Confidently only in the redness of his face, Iruka signed the dotted line and shut the door firmly on the intrusive man.
There was a long moment of silence in which Iruka faced the closed door and everyone else went pink with the effort to keep in their laughter.
"Well, now I can see why you didn't report him." Shizune finally said.
Iruka turned, confused. "You do?"
"Yeah. He's hot."
Izumo nodded. "Even with the mask."
"And those shorts."
There was a murmur of agreement.
"And you both have the scar thing going on," Tsunade added, "Thats pretty cute."
Iruka was dumbstruck. "You can't be serious!"
"I believe his intentions were fairly clear," Shizune continued.
"His intentions? How!"
"You probably weren't looking because you were too embarrassed, but he was eye-banging you the whole time he was talking to us."
If this were a cartoon, Iruka's jaw would have hit the floor.
"You should ask him out."
"I can't just do that!"
"I bet he'd take off that mask for you."
"What was his name again?"
"I bet he'd take off more than the mask."
"You'll definitely need to buy more things off Amazon."
"Kurenai! Don't fuel his problem!"
"Here, I've always wanted a globe for the social studies room, I'll just have it shipped here."
"Izumo, buy me another one of those mugs! I broke one the other night."
Iruka sighed, resigned. This was not going to be over anytime soon.
Iruka heard a familiar knock on his door and checked his watch: Only 3:45, maybe Kakashi would be on time for once. It had been 7-10 business days since the day he had hosted the 'lets oggle Iruka's harasser' party, and just like it had that night, Iruka's heart rate rose exponentially. 7-10 business days of his coworkers beating it into him that this was the man he'd been looking for was doing funny things to his psyche.
As soon as he opened his door, he realized how wrong he was.
"GOOOOOD AFTERNOON SIR! My name is GAI and I have a PACKAGE for you!"
Iruka gaped as he took in the man who was most certainly not his usual annoyance. This man was about Kakashi's same height, but with a black bowl cut that appeared simultaneously fluffy and greasy. Despite the heat of late summer, he wore some kind of spandex body suit under his uniform in a hideously bright green.
It was all quite a shock.
To make matters worse, Gai had struck a pose, presenting him with both a clipboard, a package, and a blinding smile.
"Ah...wha..."
"Iiiii'm sorry sir, you'll have to speak UP for me to hear you!" He shouted, flashing him a thumbs up and dazzling grin.
"Um, Where is Kakashi today?"
"My ultimate rival in all things has taken this most beautiful of days to rest, and recover."
Iruka swallowed. "Re-recover? Was there an accident?"
Again, the thumbs up. "Have no fear gentle stranger, Kakashi has taken a personal health day! I can't recommend them enough, it is the key to youthful energy! Such as Kakashi and I have mastered."
Iruka blinked. Somehow he felt their energies differed.
"Ah...well, if thats all then."
Awkwardly, he signed the dotted line once again and shut the door on the bombastic dynamo, feeling lost.
The next day, the knock on his door came at 5:58. This was much more promising, though it was still with trepidation that he opened his door.
Standing on the porch with a box under one arm and a clipboard in another was Kakashi. Kakashi, in all his greenless glory. A small wind carded patterns through silvery hair that Iruka had never been so happy to see.
For some reason, he smirked. "At least I can count on you to be late."
Kakashi nodded. "Good to see you, too."
Nerve faltering, Iruka dropped his gaze to his feet.
"My colleague said you were worried about me."
Iruka wrinkled his rose, rubbing the spot sheepishly. "Yes, well, my first clue something was wrong was all the spandex."
Kakashi ignored the attempt at a joke. "Were you worried I had been fired?"
Iruka hesitated. "Yes."
"Why? Because you complained about my tardiness?"
He would have flinched, but the casual tone Kakashi kept, and the deep rumble of his voice.
"Yes."
"I can promise you, I'm more interesting than whatever it is you're looking at down there."
This time he did flinch, but fell still when his eyes met the steady gray ones inspecting his.
"So, you must be a teacher."
"How do you know that?"
Kakashi shrugged. "I figured you had to be a teacher with how many text books you order. English?"
Iruka guessed he should have seen that one coming. He nodded.
"Thats so interesting. Would you like to tell me about it over dinner?"
He fought to keep his shock under control. "Um...really?"
"Really."
His mind raced. It couldn't be this easy. This was suspicious, right?! What if this friends were wrong? God knows they've been wrong before, and what if this guy just has some creepy teacher fetish!
"Wait," Iruka said quickly, "You should know I'm not really an English teacher. Or a teacher at all. I don't teach."
Maybe he overshot it.
But to his surprise, Kakashi merely replied in the same calm, deep voice as before. "Thats so interesting. Would you like to tell me about it over dinner?"
Iruka blinked, anxieties and brain function halting.
"Perhaps seven o'clock, this Saturday?" Kakashi continued.
"Drinks." He said, as Kakashi handed him a business card with his personal number scrawled on the back. "I think I'd prefer drinks."
The taller man smiled, Iruka guessed. "Sounds great. Lubrication is quite useful."
If Iruka's jaw kept dropping at his rate, it would soon disconnect entirely. "WHAT!"
But Kakashi only smirked. "Drinking. Social lubrication."
"Um... Right..." He slowly affirmed.
"But you caught me," Kakashi grinned as he made to return to the truck. "Its not the only kind of lubrication I find useful. Later."
Iruka's wide eyes followed after Kakashi, wondering just what the hell he got himself into.