A/N: Hey, people. Finally, I'm trying a one-shot.
Motoko: Good. The less pain, the better.
Chris: Well, you aren't getting your wish.
Naru: Aw, man! Can I still hit you?
Chris: Hit me with your best shot, lady.
-punch-
-CRUNCH-
Naru: OW!
Chris: That was your best shot?
Keitaro: Wait for it...
(Chris suddenly starts flying in a random direction)
Chris: I DID NOT SEE THAT COMIIIIIIIIIIING!
Naru: There, all better.
Motoko: There, now he's gone. Let us make a story for him. We can most likely create more humorous material than he ever could.
Kitsune: Yeah! In fact, how about I write it? I can make us look good!
Naru: Okay, Kitsune. You do your drunken thing!
Kitsune: 'Do your drunken thing'? No, Naru. Just...no.
Motoko: Yeah, Naru. It's kind of a good thing that it's Kitsune writing this story and not you. Your humor also seems...non-humorous.
Naru: This coming from the woman who writes bad romance stories! I mean, seriously, we can all tell that it's you and Keitaro in the stories!
Motoko: Hmph. Deadbeat.
Naru: Bad romantic.
(they look away from each other and cross their arms)
Kitsune: ...Okay. How about I start the story so we don't have to watch...this.
Haruka: Uh, did we forget something?
(everyone thinks for a moment)
Keitaro: No. What could we be forgetting?
-Meanwhile, in an apartment in America-
Chris: She forgot the disclaimer. Oh, well, basically, Love Hina ain't mine, for those of you slow people who haven't figured it out yet.
Random lady: AAAAAHH!
Chris: And I've freaked someone else out. Story of my life. I'm in a bathroom, aren't I?
Random lady's boyfriend: Hey! Get out of here! (throws random junk at him)
Chris: Ow! Ow! Ooh, that tickled! OW! Who keeps an anvil in their pocket?
Random lady: We're in a shower, dummy! We don't have pockets...waaait, how did you get in here, anyway? And why is there a hole in my apartment?!
Chris: Oh, I flew in from Japan.
Random lady: Oh. GET OUT! (eyes get red)
Random lady's boyfriend: Oh, now you've done it! You're gonna get the Nancy punch!
Chris: Wait, the 'Nancy punch'? Why does that sound familiar?
(Random lady, or Nancy, punches Chris and he goes flying back to Japan)
Nana: (turns back to her boyfriend, sees blood coming out of his nostrils) Oh, Kevin. There you go again. You pervert! [smiling]
-Back in Hinata-sou, Chris's secret room-
Kitsune: Meh. I'm sure we'll remember it sometime during the story. STORY START!
|/\/\|
"WAAAAAHH!" came a scream as Keitaro was sent flying.
"And that's how you smash a pervert through a logo!" Su said cheerfully back at the Hinata, clapping her hands together to get rid of ash and soot. She looked out the hole in the billboard to see a flying body and a group of girls chasing after it. She knew the flying body as the man she just sent flying.
"Ummm...what logo, Su-chan?" Naru asked.
"I think the more important question would be where Urashima-san would get a billboard in here," Motoko pointed out.
"Or maybe it's the hole in the living room?" Kitsune asked.
"Seriously?! I tell you this whole story, with a flashback, and none of you are curious about why my cousin came home with a rocket stuck in his armpit and a table leg stuck where the sun does not shine?! Or the fork jammed in his thigh? Or why his shirt was ripped?! And why was he being chased by a group of girls?!" Haruka asked angrily, that last question not aimed at them but not any less angry. Despite her usually calm nature, she was totally angry inside, and all it took was one comment to bring that anger to her physical features. Not to mention, none of them seemed concerned about her cousin's health, with the exception of the Hinata-sou's young cook. All they seemed to care about was the wreckage.
"Well, to be fair, Haruka-san, we already know who did all that. Why would we need to hear this story again?" Sarah pointed out.
"Because you probably think it was Su-chan's fault, right? Well, I have news for you. Su-chan was busy in her room the whole time. Right, Su-chan?" Haruka explained.
"Rights! I's was inventing a pair of Supers Punchers Gloves 495412454254553532765465784! Theys do the Naru Punch!" Su replied, demonstrating on what was left of the billboard, which was also sent flying out of the hole in the living room into Hinata City.
"Wait, now I'm curious. Why would he have a rocket jammed in his armpit? Did the guy shooting the rocket have a terrible aim or something?" Kitsune asked curiously.
"Seriously?! Do I need to explain the story again?" Haruka asked, angry again and clearly annoyed.
"Hmm? What story?" Mutsumi asked.
"Mutsumi-san, I already explained this story to you. You were there!" Haruka said.
"Hey, don't yell at her! She probably fainted again," Naru yelled.
"And, yet, she was still listening more than you girls, apparently. The only one here who heard what I said was Shinobu-chan!" Haruka yelled. The venom in her voice could melt metal. Why, if looks could kill, they would have died on the spot. And if looks could also do funeral services, they would be dead in graves after a couple of hours.
"You know what, fine. I'm just going to explain the story again with the flashback, just as Keitaro-san explained it to me. And you girls better be listening, or else...!" Haruka said through gritted teeth, cracking her knuckles.
"Umm...just out of curiosity, or else what? I-I'm asking. I don't like the look in your eyes," Sarah asked, a hint of fear in her otherwise plain voice.
"Or else I'm going to give you girls the Haruka Hammer Smash!" she replied, her voice not loud but just as cold and threatening. She took out a cartoonishly big hammer to show them what she meant.
"*eep* Okay, okay! We're listening!" Sarah said in fear, the girls around her just nodding.
"You better!" Haruka warned. "Anyway..."
(screen gets ripple-y)
"Oh, man. What is this? It's making me sick!" Kitsune asked in as if she was about to puke.
"Oh, man up, Kitsune-san. It's just a flashback. If you were actually listening earlier, you might have avoided this. Why did you have to drink so much while I was talking? You said only one glass!" Haruka yelled in indignation.
"Oh, come on. One glass, five dozen bottles, what difference does that make?" Kitsune asked in an apathetic voice.
"A lot of difference! It makes a lot of difference!" Naru yelled.
"Hello? Quiet back there! This is a flashback! Show some courtesy!" Haruka scolded.
"Sorry, Haruka-san," everyone said meekly.
Flashback: two hours prior, Haruka's retelling of Keitaro's point of view. So, basically, the narrator's point of view.
Keitaro-san was walking around the building, looking for the hole he wanted to fix. You know, the one Naru-san made when he got to her room to fix the hole she made the previous day?
"Oh, I remember that. That pervert walked in on me!" Naru yelled, interrupting the flashback for a second.
"Quiet, Narusegawa-san! You're already on thin ice!" Haruka said, voice still ice-cold.
Anyway, he was walking around the building when he was kicked by Su-chan and landed on top of Shinobu-chan.
"Oh, yeah. I remember that. That felt nice. Sure it was an accident and only for...a...second...Auuuuuuuuuuu! Why do I keep doing that?" Shinobu complained, blushing heavily and looking to be on the verge of fainting. Well, the first part was in a dreamy haze, the second part was a complaint.
As I was saying, tha-No interruptions! Anyway, that was apparently the time Motoko-san was coming back from high school. I believe her exact words were, "Urashima! Again with your defiling of innocent women! You need to learn your lesson fast, mister!" before she hit him. I could hear all the way from the tea shop.
"Wait, the narrator was in the tea shop?" Kitsune asked.
I said NO INTERRUPTIONS! Anyway, he actually landed in Kyoto! In Motoko-san's family dojo, no less! And all six of Motoko-san's sisters just happened to be in there at the same time. He told me he said, "Sorry! I didn't mean to crash through your wall!"
Then, one of Motoko's sisters asked, "You look familiar. Are you by chance the manager of the Hinata-sou?"
"Yeah...why?" was his response.
"PREPARE TO DIE, URASHIMA-SAN! YOU HAVE HURT OUR SISTER'S FEELINGS AND WE WILL NOT PUT UP WITH IT ANYMORE!" the tallest one yelled.
"Waaah! But it was an accident!" Keitaro yelled.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'ACCIDENT'?" she yelled.
"Well...she kinda sorta...jumped to conclusions," Keitaro said sheepishly.
"Explain NOW, mister," the tallest of Motoko's younger sisters said, still firmly.
"O-Okay. Well, basically, one of the girls greets me by kicking me in the face when I least expect it, so things always happen that become misunderstandings. For example, today, when she kicked me and I ended up landing on top of one of the younger residents, Shinobu-chan. Anyway, then Motoko-chan came up the steps at that time and thought I was doing something perverted to her, even though she never asked. Then, she hit me and I landed here," Keitaro explained cautiously.
"Oh. Well, that seems...like a terrible mistake. I'm sorry," they all apologized.
"It's alright. I'm kinda used to those. Well, I have to get back to Hinata-sou. I believe it's your sister's birthday," Keitaro pointed out.
"Oh, it is? Can we come?" one of Motoko's sisters asked, coming up to him and seductively positioning herself so she could 'fall' on him.
"Seriously, Anzu-nee-chan? You're drunk again, aren't you? You know, you drink way too much sake! No wonder you owe the landlord twenty thousand yen," one of the sisters asked.
"It ain't my fault you keep rejecting every guy that comes your way, Hideki-nee-chan! You keep having me reject boys for you! I just wanted a boyfriend!" she protested.
"No way! He's like the brother I never had! He's mine!" another one of her sisters yelled. She was running around like a maniac...or Su.
"Auuuuuu! Ryouko-nee-chan! Can't I have him?" another asked.
"Ara, it seems like we all want a boyfriend," another observed, looking very ditzy.
"Dream on, Kyoko-nee-chan! I don't want a vile, lecherous male in my life. No thank you, good riddance, goodbye!" another yelled, rather like Motoko, only shorter.
"Oh, you're just saying that, Sakura-nee-chan! We all know you write terrible romance stories!" Anzu teased.
"Oh, put a sock in it, Anzu-nee-chan!" Sakura yelled.
"Hey, where'd he go?" the little, shy sister asked. They all looked to where Keitaro was standing before, but only saw a dust cloud in the shape of the manager they were yelling about. Then he came in, wrote something on the dust cloud with his finger, and ran off again. They tried to read what was in the dust cloud. It read, "Sorry, gotta get back to Hinata-sou. -Keitaro Urashima"
"Figures," all the younger sisters said dismally, running in the direction of Tokyo.
"Hey, girls, you can't go alone! Wait for me!" Tsuruko said, running after them.
(screen gets ripple-y once more)
"Oh no, not again. What is this?" Kitsune asked, still sickly-sounding.
"It's a flash-foward inside a flashback. It is still a flashback," Haruka explained.
In Nagoya, which is on the way to Tokyo from Kyoto, for those of you who didn't know-
"Aw, just keep going, already. All these ripples are giving me a headache!" Kitsune yelled.
In Nagoya, Amalla Su was walking the street in a cloak and hood to her favorite train station.
"Your sister has a favorite train station?" Motoko asked Su.
"Don't judge her!" Su said.
STOP INTERRUPTING!
"Hey, just who is this narrator, anyway?" Naru asked.
My name is DIE!
"Wait, that voice sounds familiar...Peter? Is that you?" Naru said, in thought.
I told you, for the last time, STOP CALLING ME THAT! Anyway, Amalla Su was walking to her favorite train station when a guy came running up to her. That man was Keitaro. "Hi, can I borrow this? Thanks," was his fast, unanswered question. He took her cloak and ran into an alley, losing the girls on his tail.
"Where is he?" one of them asked, sounding scary.
"I don't know. Keep looking!" another shouted.
Once the girls were looking for him somewhere else, Amalla turned to him. "So, care to explain why you stole my cloak?" she asked.
"Oh, so sorry ma-Amalla-san?" he asked.
"Kei-kun? How are you?" she asked happily, hugging him.
"Oh, just the usual. Being chased by a group of girls after getting launched 285 miles to Kyoto. You know, typical Tuesday," he replied.
"That bad, huh?" she asked.
"Oh, you don't know the half of it," he responded.
"Well, I was visiting my favorite train station-" Amalla started.
"You have a favorite train station?" Keitaro asked.
"Don't judge me!" Amalla said.
"Well, I should be on my way," Keitaro said.
"Wait!" Amalla said, tackling Keitaro.
"GAH! Amalla-san! What are you doing?!" he yelled.
"Acting like a rabbit!" Amalla replied shamelessly, taking a nearby table and trying to take off his pants.
"GAH! Stop! What are you-oh, no! No, Kami-sama, please, no! No! No! NOOOO!" Keitaro yelled.
Unfortunately for Amalla, all of Motoko's sisters came into the alley at that time.
"Hey! Get your hands away from there!" Anzu yelled.
"Who are you? Wait...Tsuruko-san?!" Amalla asked.
"Amalla-san! How are you?" Tsuruko asked gregariously.
"Oh, just getting a new husband," she responded, getting off of Keitaro and taking her hands off of him.
"Oh, really? And where is he?" Tsuruko asked, looking around.
"Well, he's right he-hey, where'd he go?" Amalla asked, only seeing a dust cloud in the shape of a person.
"Uh, let's see...he apparently went back to Hinata-sou," Aki, the little shy sister, deduced.
"How did you get that?" Amalla asked.
"This note drawn in the dust cloud," she responded.
"Whoa! This is the same dust cloud we found at the dojo!" Kyoko, the ditzy one, observed.
"Oh, please! This cannot be the same dust cloud!" Hideki responded.
"Um...shouldn't we keep following Mr. Urashima-san?" Aki asked.
"Sure, hon," Anzu responded.
(screen gets ripple-y again)
"So the girls chased him here and that's how he got here with a mob of girls following him," Haruka finished.
"Oh, not this again. I think I'm going to vomit!" Kitsune said. She sounded sickly, like a dying person.
"Oh, come on! Did you seriously get flashback sickness?" Naru asked incredulously.
"Yeah, I think I did," Kitsune said, out of breath.
"Wow, you really did drink too much," Mutsumi observed.
"Stupid flashback!" Kitsune cursed.
Just then, though, a beaten-up Keitaro ran in there like the devil was after him. "Hide me! Please! They're gonna kill me!" he yelled desperately.
"Just go hide," Naru said, sounding annoyed.
After he was hidden, all the Aoyama sisters (plus Amalla) came bursting into the living room.
"Where is he?" Ryouko asked.
"Yeah. I think he ran to his room!" Kitsune said urgently. "It's on the other side of the building!" she added, getting the sisters to run instantly.
Once they were gone, Naru asked, "Why did you do that?"
"Well, I had to keep them busy, didn't I?" she responded.
"Good point," Naru responded.
"You know, my sister has really changed since I was little. She keeps trying to get new boyfriends now. Apparently, she is blowing through them like...well...I can't think of anything fast enough!" Su observed.
"Wait, what?" everyone asked.
"Yeah. She keeps on wearing out her boyfriends before he can find a fourth consort," Su explained. Everyone blinked twice. "What? In MolMol, the royal family is supposed to have consorts," Su explained dismissively.
"WHAT?" everyone yelled.
"Yeah. Good thing there was a dowry or none of the other consorts could support themselves!" Su said thankfully.
"Dowry? What's the dowry?" Kitsune asked, suddenly behind Su instead of sitting on the couch.
"Oh, let's see...aw, man. I wish I took the advanced currency conversion course in elementary school. Hmm...that's one royal bus pass, which gets nine million dollars in Canada, which gets us about...200,000,000,000 yen," she responded.
"Wait, there's a catch, right?" asked Mutsumi.
"Well, if you consider having to have thirty offspring a catch, then yes, there is a catch," Su responded.
"Thirty?! I don't think Urashima could possibly pull that off," Motoko responded.
"Well, he's still required to take care of his wife and consorts, so-" Su started, but was interrupted by Keitaro suddenly bursting into the room.
"I need a new hiding place! I got found-hey, what's with that scary look on your faces?" he asked fearfully. Everyone was looking at him with hungry, contemplative looks. Then Keitaro started having to run from his tenants and the sister group.
"Well, I should probably get back to the teahouse now," Haruka responded.
Epilogue
Haruka was sitting in the tea shop. She hadn't heard from her cousin in a week. She started to worry about him, but she still had work to do. The only breaks she got were when she had no customers, which she usually just spent reading the newspaper and drinking some of her own tea. She had just gotten a new brand and made a cup of tea with it. She sampled the amber liquid. 'Mmm. Needs salt,' she thought.
'Salt?' another voice in her head asked.
'Yeah. You got a problem with that, Esteban?' the first thought threatened the second in her head.
'B-But my name is-' the other voice started.
'It's Esteban! Got a problem with that?' Haruka mentally snapped at the voice.
'No, no! No problem at all! Heheh,' the voice responded fearfully.
Then a couple of paramedics came rushing into the tea shop with a gurney. And on the gurney was her cousin, the one and only Keitaro. He was hooked up to some tubes and a polygraph. You know, that machine in the hospital that goes beep beep beep beep.
"Keitaro-san? What happened?" she asked the paramedics.
"Well, miss, in a nutshell, he has been severely dehydrated and sexually overused. We recommend a month of rest," one of them responded.
"Honestly, I don't know why he's complaining. Any guy would kill to be in this position!" the other lamented.
"Dude, seriously? This is obviously a relative of hers! Are you really going to start being a pervert on the job again? You almost got fired last time!" the first one ranted.
"Hey, it's not my fault that women are so darn nice looking! Speaking of which, you, miss, are-" the second one started. He was stopped by a randomly appearing fan coming out of nowhere.
"Stop hitting on me," she said.
"Sorry," the second paramedic said, rubbing the back of his head. The paramedics left Haruka and Keitaro alone to talk.
"Keitaro-san! Are you alright?" Haruka asked.
"Well, I have very little energy, I haven't drunk water in a week, and I'm being chased by girls who keep coming after me and are insatiable. So, I'm okay. For them, that's actually an improvement. At least they stopped hitting me daily. Can I have some tea?" he said. This whole group of sentences took about five minutes for him to say.
"Sure," Haruka said, giving him her cup of tea that she was drinking just now.
Keitaro tasted the tea. "New brand?" he asked.
"Yeah," Haruka responded.
"Needs salt," Keitaro responded.
'Told you, Esteban,' Haruka responded in her head.
"I'm going to sleep," he responded. He went into a very fitful-seeming sleep.
'They can't have been that bad, can they?' Haruka mentally asked.
"No, Su, not on the TV. No. Put that unripe banana down. Don't stick it there! HELP!" he shouted in his sleep.
'Apparently, they could,' she thought.
"Urashima-san! Get back here! We're not done punishing you yet!" Motoko yelled as she entered the room with Shinobu, Naru, Su, Kitsune, and Amalla. All of them were wearing fake police uniforms and holding either a baton or handcuffs. They were grinning like idiots.
"Stop smiling, you idiots! You're supposed to be professionals! Oh, wait, no, you're not. Carry on," Haruka said.
"Hey! No sleeping on the job! Wake up sleepyhead!" Amalla said into Keitaro's ear as she saw him on the gurney.
"You do realize that this is a hospital bed, not a bed from a love hotel, right? Give the poor guy some rest! Even a pervy paramedic said that he was sexually overused. If you don't give him some rest, he might die," Haruka said.
"*sigh* I suppose you're right. I mean, we did make him literally drop dead with our bodies. I guess we could let him rest," Kitsune said.
"Where did you get those outfits?" Haruka asked.
"Oh, we just nabbed them from Amalla-san," Naru responded.
"No, Shinobu-chan! Not here. This is where Motoko-chan sleeps! Please stop! Sarah-chan? What are you doing here? OW! If you were going to whack me, at least wait for Shinobu-chan to get off of me!" Keitaro muttered in his sleep, squirming so much, they had to put the bed sheet back on a couple of times.
"Wow. Urashima-san does seem to be troubled. Maybe we should work out some time in the schedule for him to sleep normally," Motoko reasoned.
"Yeah. Maybe he might not have lost it if you didn't hit him with that yardstick, Sister!" Su accused.
"Hey! You tied him up for me!" Amalla responded.
"You know, it feels like we forgot something," Shinobu responded, putting her hand to her chin in thought. The other residents followed her example.
"What could we have forgotten?" Naru asked.
Meanwhile, in Kyoto
"I can't believe Amalla-san beat us to him!" Anzu griped.
"I can't believe all of those girls agreed to be his consorts!" Hideki griped.
"I can't believe we kept finding his dust cloud with a note in it!" Ryouko griped.
"Oh, look, his dust cloud is still here!" Kyoko observed dismissively.
"Hey, there's a new note in the dust cloud!" Tsuruko observed.
"Wha...? It says, 'Sorry, I had to follow Keitaro-san. -Keitaro Urashima's dust cloud'"
"HUH?" everyone in the dojo responded.
|\/\/|
And that's the story. Okay, so, things to mention: uh, this story was inspired greatly by Random1377's 'Sister, sister', go check him out, this is my first time doing humor, so go ahead and flame my humor if it is worse than I thought, and I just thought that everyone could use a break from all my serious stories.
Kitsune: Hey, I thought I was the one writing this story!
Chris: No, those were my author powers making something interesting happen.
Motoko: So you wrote this horrid story?
Chris: Oh, of course I did. Do you really think Kitsune would make a story that goes like this?
Naru: Well...yeah.
Kitsune: (facefaults) What?
Chris: I'm going to end here before something bad happens. Chris, signing out. Bye readers.
(screen fades to black)