It's Okay It's (Not) Only A Feeling

A Lee Jeno/Huang Renjun fanfiction

Genre: A little bit angst (mostly from Renjun's thoughts poor my baby), fluff, romance (no sad ending for my ship, nope, not at all)

Disclaimer: They belong to their parents, or SM. Can be both actually. But Renjun is an adult already in Chinese means he belong to himself. Or Jeno if you all the shipper out there want that (smirk smirk)

Enjoy!

He tries hard.

He really is.

But what can he do, really. He's only someone who weaks at heart.

And nobody could be blamed except for Lee Jeno.

To focus his mind on his phone while (trying to) ignore the presence of the two boys on his right is already a hard task for him, and his watery eyes definitely didn't help his case at all. Fortunately the two boys seemed to be too engrossed in their own world to notice his unfocused gaze and his shaking hands.

What can he do. Really.

It's not his fault seeing Jeno together with Jaemin always ended up with his heart being torn into pieces.

Not his wish that the jealousy always come to the surface whenever he caught sight of the two of them laughing freely as if the world is theirs.

And it's not like he wants to think about the fact that the two of them looked really good together, as if they were meant to be, each and every time he catch them grinning widely at their inside jokes that only the two of them could understand. When they can understand each other wordlessly. He can't help it, the thoughts that Jeno and Jaemin really did born to complete and be with each other.

And of course it's not his wish to have those thoughts that always ended up wrecking his mind and breaking his heart no matter how hard he tried not to let it get to his mind.

Blame Lee Jeno for making him falls, but doesn't even have a clue that he has taking Renjun's heart with him since the beginning.

Renjun immediately regretted his decision to take a look at his right. It happened in just a blink of an eye, but he saw it. He saw how Jaemin pecks Jeno's left cheek. He saw how Jeno was feign a surprised look on his face but grinning widely soon after. But he didn't see how his vision started to blurred badly, that the image started to not make any sense.

Renjun looked back at his phone while blinking back the tears that threatening to fall from his eyes and swallow the lump on his throat. After making sure that his voice won't come out cracked he called Mark who's sitting near the window on his left.

"Hyung, could you please exchange seat with me? I want to see the clouds," he knows that it sounds like a shitty excuse, but when Mark turned to him and opened his mouth to maybe ask him or refuse his request he immediately closes his mouth. Maybe the almost-crying look on his face did the trick, but not that he would care about that right now. Mark just nodded and started to take off his seatbelt so Renjun did the same. He walked over to Mark original seat without spare even a glance to Jeno and Jaemin's direction.

After seated securely and with the seatbelt on he just glanced outside the window with empty eyes. Not focused on anything, not even noticing the eyes that belongs to a black haired boy that reflected on his window that has followed his movements since the beginning. He just sigh deeply and closed his eyes, willing his mind to go to sleep so maybe he could ignore the aching feeling in his heart. But the image of Jaemin kissing Jeno's cheek continued to plagued his mind, even after he started to drift off to sleep.

He should have pay attention when the members were deciding (noisily) about the room placement earlier. He shouldn't let his mind wander, else he would have know who he paired with and maybe refused (not that he can anyway, knowing that the members could be really persistent to follow the rock-paper-scissor result in the case of room placement).

But of course his mind just have to wander at the worst time possible, not paying attention when the rock-paper-scissor game takes place, not when his fist come out along with a black haired boy fist, not even when they are given the key card to their room and just followed the other boy that tugged on his wrist and lead them to their shared room. So don't blame him really when he almost jumped out of his skin when his name is being called by a familiar voice that he will recognize everywhere. Jeno just laughed at his reaction.

"Hey, what happened? You keep spacing out since we arrive here. Is something bothering you?" Jeno asked with a slightly worried expression on his face.

Shit. What should he say? It's not like he can just blurted out something like, "Oh sorry I just couldn't help but remembering the way you looked really happy to receive a kiss from Jaemin and how it break my heart to pieces," right? So he just went on and placing his fake smile on display and instead said, "I'm okay, maybe just groggy from a long hours of flight. I'll be fine soon, don't worry," but without looking at Jeno's eyes of course.

Jeno seems unsure with his answer, but didn't probe any further thankfully. "You know you can tell me anything right?"

Renjun just snort in his mind. 'Yeah of course, especially about the fact that I'm madly in love with you I couldn't go on a day without thinking about you and how we should be together and lived happily ever after,' Renjun's mind supplied helpfully. Renjun thoughts he's really wrecked in the head. But he couldn't say that so he opted with "Yeah I know. Thanks Jen," while giving the other a small smile that earned him an eyesmile in return.

Damn his weak heart. And damn Lee Jeno for having a beautiful smile that makes him feel even shittier.

Everything goes silent after that. The two of them busied themselves with unpacking their lugagge. It never felt this awkward. "We should clean up and sleep soon, a long day is waiting for us tomorrow," Jeno said after a while to break the silence. Renjun just nodded, not caring whether Jeno can see him or not and went to the bathroom first. And the night ended with the two boys tucked securely in their respective beds.

When the morning came the two boys is already prepared to go. Thankfully Renjun can fall asleep not long after his body touch the fluffy bed last night. His mind just shut down completely before any bad thoughts could come and potentially ruined his deserved night sleep. But that doesn't stop the thoughts that coming his way once he spotted the familiar figure of one Na Jaemin waiting for them to arrive in the lobby. He didn't failed to notice manager hyung aslo stand a little further from them.

He tried to ignore the ache in his heart and goes straight to sit on the sofa after greeted Jaemin and their manager. He pretends to play with his phone so the two of them wouldn't started asking questions about his weird behaviour. Not long after the duo maknae appeared followed by Mark and Donghyuck. But the latters will not going with them today, since they'll start the recording with the hyungs first so the five of them plus manager hyung started to leave the lobby one by one. Before passing the door Renjun takes a glance back and catch Mark and Donghyuck discussed something while looked at his direction. He's not sure of what he saw and just followed the Dream members outside.

The day goes on well he supposed. It could be better but at least he didn't messed up, and that means something especially remembering the fact that his mind is focused on something else the whole time the recording takes place. His emotion really went on a roller coaster ride that day. One time he feels really nervous when he had to sit so close to Jeno while looking at his phone, but other time he feels really down when he catch sight of Jeno and Jaemin playing with each other whenever they had break time.

But one thing is for sure. Jeno is inhumanely handsome with black hair, lenses on and piercings on his ear. That boy really is his weakness. He looked so passionate (as always) dancing to their newest choreography and it might just make him fall a little bit more (if he hasn't fall that deep already, maybe only hundreds of meter below the ground).

One of the shoot is taking place on the roof during the sunset. And Renjun is in awe. Because if Jeno is handsome before, he looked ethereal now. They just finished the shoot and taking a small break now. Jeno is standing at the right angle so the setting sun is right behind him, the orange glow from the sun engulfed his face in the right places and making him looked so out of this world.

What he didn't expect though, is for Jeno to look his way and smile his brightest smile at him. And Renjun heart could only take so much. So he flies. He flies as fast as he can with the excuse of going to the bathroom. Once inside the empty bathroom he looked at his refelction in the mirror. He looks terrible. And so in love with Lee Jeno. So in love that it terrifies him. Because he knows that he has fallen so deep there's no way back but what terrifies him the most is the fact that he shouldn't love his best friend and the fact that he couldn's stop it from happening at all.

The bathroom door opened suddenly, startled him. For a second he thought it was Jeno. But thankfully it's just Donghyuck that came in with an unreadable expression on his face. It's weird seeing him that way. Renjun immediately knows that something is not right. Donghyuck stand beside him and staring straight at the mirror.

"You should tell him," he suddenly said. His eyes widen and he whipped his head to the side so fast he might heard a crack but he didn't feel anything, couldn't feel anything. His blood went cold. "Wh-what do you mean?"

Donghyuck just glance at his reflection with a small smile on his lips. "You know, about your feeling to Jeno. You should tell him,"

Renjun opened and closed his mouth a few times, suddenly speechless. But in the end he only hung his head low. "How did you know?" he mutters lowly.

Donghyuck just shrugged knowingly. "Just gut feeling at first. But you make it kinda obvious at times," at this Renjun looked at him with a terrified expression on his face. Donghyuck only chuckled at that. "To me at least. I've been there too you know. Mark hyung can be really oblivious at times."

Renjun knows. But he also knows since the beginning that deep down Mark also harbours the same feeling to their sassy friend, and he just need a little push. Well, a lot of push from Donghyuck to be honest. He knows that Donghyuck has had his fair share of hard times also for falling to his team member. But at least he's had his deserved happy ending now. But him? There's no way he could muster up the courage to confess his feeling to Jeno and risked their friendship. He's too much of a coward to do that. That thought only is enough to make him teared up.

Seeing that Donghyuck immediately engulfed him in a hug. "It's okay, I'm sure everyting will be okay. It pained me and Mark hyung too to see you suffer like this. Do what you think is best for you okay? Don't blame yourself for everything that has happened, you can't control anything. But Jeno deserved to know the truth don't you think so?"

He keeps silent and hugged Donghyuck as if his life depended on it and let the tears falls down.

Not in a million years has he imagined to be pinned on the wall by an angry Jeno. Especially not at the end of the day when they barely talked. Who would have thought that the ever-smiling Jeno could get angry too?

"What did I do wrong?" Jeno asked flatly. Renjun just flinched at his cold tone and gulped nervously.

He mutters up all the courage he has left in him. "What do you mean? I don't understand. I'm tired Jen, please move," he said while trying to push Jeno's arm that caged him away. He didn't even budge. Damn him and his workout routine.

"You know exactly what I mean. Don't avoid the topic. You've been ignoring and avoiding me for the last few days. And don't even try to refuse it," he said through gritted teeth. But seeing how Renjun is shaking a little bit he softly added, "You should tell me what did I do wrong Injun, or else I wouldn't know how to fix it. At least please look at me," he pleaded.

Hearing his defeated voice is the last straw for Renjun. Not only does he make him worry, on top of that he also make Jeno thinks that it's his fault that Renjun been avoiding him lately.

Seeing the sadness in his dark eyes finally break something in Renjun. "I'm so sorry Jen. I didn't mean to avoid you like this. Gosh if I were to be honest I want to be with you everytime. I'm just so so in love with you. So much that I'm afraid I won't be able to contain it any longer. I'm afraid you will hate me once you found out about this. I'm really, really sorry Jen," He babbled and then started to sob so hard that his whole body is shaking. Jeno just stand there, too stunned to comprehend what just happened in the past minute. Does he just got a love confession from Renjun? When he finally snapped out of it he immediately pulled Renjun to his embrace. Renjun just cries harder at this. He don't deserve this. He don't deserve Jeno.

He might heard it wrong but he thinks he heard Jeno sigh in relief. Jeno keeps rocking their body back and forth to try to calm Renjun down. After a while his sob finally subsided and Jeno finally let him go, but keeps their close distance. Renjun can see the wet stain on his shirt due to his outburst earlier. But he couldn't care less about that now. Not when Jeno is tugging at his chin gently to coax him to look him in the eyes. Blame his blurry vision but he thinks he saw something akin to love there. He gulped.

Jeno smiles sweetly at him. "And here I thought that you might hate me. I was so worried. You keep distancing yourself and it hurts me. I tried to think of the reason but couldn't come up with anything. And just for your information, I'm also so so in love with you Injun. I thought that maybe you have found out about my feeling and that's why you decided to distance yourself."

Renjun is speechless. There must be something wrong with his hearing. Or maybe with his brain. Because there's no way he heard it right. There's no way that Jeno said he loves him too right? He must be dreaming. Yes he must be. But the Jeno that stand in front of him feels so real. What if it's not a dream? What if it really did happening?

Hearing Jeno laugh snapped him out of his reverie. Jeno just chuckled amusedly at his stunned expression. "You know that you're thinking out loud right?" He takes his hand and bring it to his chest where his heart is. He placed them there and Renjun could feel how fast it was beating. "You didn't heard it wrong. I love you Injun. I could repeat it as many times as you want. I won't ever get tired of saying it. I've been in love with you since the first time you showed up, all shy with a cute smile plastered on your face. My love continues to grow since that day I couldn't believe it myself. But it did so here I am giving all of my heart to you. Would you please accept it?" He said with a somewhat nervous expression on his face.

There's nothing he could say to that so he just pulled Jeno down and kiss him breathless while pouring all the love he has for the boy. He can feel Jeno smiling to the kiss and the tingling sensation it brought. Jeno lips feels so soft and warm and fitted perfectly to his lips. He might get addicted to kissing Jeno. But he wouldn't mind. They'll have all the time in the world.

Later that night when they're all cuddled comfortably on Renjun bed (Jeno refused to sleep on his own bed and Renjun just let him because who is he kidding to refuse a cuddling session with Jeno) Jeno finally asked the reason why Renjun has been avoiding him lately. "I'm just, you know, jealous. You're really close with Nana I even thought the two of you are an item or something. Ever since Nana made his comeback you never parted from him either. And you two looked really good together. I couldn't stand seeing the two of you together. So that's why I've been avoiding you lately. And I think by distancing myself my feelings for you will eventually dissapear because I thought we never had a chance anyway," he ended with a somehow sad expression on his face. Because honestly talking remembering the times when he saw the two of them together still pained him a little bit.

Jeno caresses his face. "Hey don't put a sad expression like that. It hurts me seeing you like this. There's nothing going on between me and Nana. He's my best friend and I've been knowing him for as long as I can remember. But I must admit that I was kinda happy that you were jealous of us. That only means that you love me so much right?" Jeno wiggles his eyebrows playfully. Not that Renjun can see it anyway since all the lamp in the room is turned off already. And Renjun position in his embrace didn't help his case at all.

Renjun just hit his chest lightly. Not like he can refuse it anyway since it's true. He just love Jeno so much. With that thought in his mind he slowly drifted of to sleep, feeling warm in the embrace of the one he love.

FIN

What is this what did I write I don't even know what I'm doing but seeing that kiss (on Renjun birthday to top it off) just broke my heart so much that I had to write this.

Please forgive any grammar mistakes since english is not my first language.

Comments and critics are welome~

Talk to me through my twitter nurannishal thank you and have a good day everyone!