A challenge from theretard5892. My first Fullmetal Alchemist fic, and I'm not surprised that it's humor. By the way, everyone's OOC. You've been warned. Oh, and her name? Pronounced like "Mary Jessy".
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Wouldn't mind owning Roy or Ed, though. :D
P.S.: The main character is number sixteen from theretard5892's story, "State Alchemists for rent!"
Mari Jessi Smitums was the Golden Reincarnation Alchemist, and instead of blood in her veins it's molten gold, even though that's, like, impossible. She's just awesome like that.
Mari Jessi is the most beautiful girl ever. She has, long, wavy, flowing locks of perfect blonde hair and chocolate brown eyes. She has a perfect figure and guys hit on her all the time.
THIS. IS. HER. STORY.
"NOOO!!! MIKEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU???" Mari cried out dramatically.
The body of a 5-year-old boy lay in front of her. His head was surrounded by blood, and he was motionless.
"I MUST bring you back to life, even if it means I'll die! Which I probably will!" Mari Jessi said boldly.
She drew a transmutation circle around the boy, clapped her hands and set them down. There was blue light, yadda, yadda, yadda, and suddenly her brother, Mikey, was standing in front of her, alive and well.
"Brother! You're alive!" Mari smiled happily.
Mikey looked himself over. "OMG I AM!! But how did you do that without getting rid of your leg or some crap like that?"
"I have NO idea," Mari said in a girly girl way. She accidently stepped on a random piece of glass that came out of nowhere. And instead of blood, it was MOLTEN GOLD.
Mikey's eyes grew wide and got a WTF? Expression on his face.
"OMG, MY BLOOD ISN'T BLOOD, IT'S GOLD!!!" Mari Jessi exclaimed. She didn't know that because she has never cut herself before in her life because she's an idiot and a Mary Sue. But don't tell her that. She'd freak.
They went to the fridge to get something to eat. When they opened the door, there was a tall guy with raven hair and dark eyes.
"Who the hell are you?" Mari Jessi asked the man.
Mikey hit her leg. "Don't cuss."
"I am Colonel Roy Mustang, and since you just brought your brother back to life without paying a price, you've been hired as a State Alchemist."
"How did you know I even WANTED to be a state alchemist?" Mari asked, crossing her arms.
"Because I am Roy Mustang and I. KNOW. ALL."
"Why are you hiding in our fridge?" Mikey looked up at Roy Mustang, which Mari just remembered is a type of horse.
"Because my girlfriend got mad. You don't want to get my girlfriend mad."
At Central
"What's that?" Mikey asked, looking up.
"What? Oh, that?" That's a page break. Get used to them, you're a character in a fanfic," Mari answered.
"Ok, your first mission is with Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist, and you'll be going to investigating some murders somewhere, because that's how far the author is in the series and some fanfics are messing up her mind," Roy Mustang (1) told Mari Jessi.
Ed and Al walked in and looked at Mari Jessi.
"OMG YOU'RE SO PRETTY!!!!" Ed swooned. Wait, aren't only girls supposed to swoon?
"Uh, are you ok, Brother? Nii-san? Brother? Car?"(2) Al asked and waved a hand in front of Ed's face.
Ed ran up to Mari. "What's your name?" he asked enthusiastically.
"Mari Jessi Smitums, and I'm the Golden Reincarnation Alchemist," Mari Jessi batted her eyelashes.
"I love that! I love you! Will you go out with me?" Ed asked with hope in his eyes. Al sweatdropped.
Mari coked her head a tiny bit to the side and smiled, "Of course," she replied sweetly.
"AFTER you go on your mission!" Colonel Roy Mustang ordered, who had been ignored this whole time.
"Ed and Mari sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-" Mikey began to sing but the Ice Cream Man truck's music could be heard outside.
"Ice cream!" Mikey yelled, while Mari threw ten bucks at him so he could get on a sugar high and annoy the hel- I mean heck(3)- out of Roy Mustang.
Ed and Mari Jessi directly disobeyed Roy Mustang and went on the date before going on the mission, which means that they'll be late getting back to Central and Ed will have to do that hilarious Roy Mustang impression he did in episode 13.
But Ed and Mari Jessi went on the mission and Mari brought many people back to life until one, tragic, day full of angsty angst…
"I GOT YOU NOW, SUCKAAAH!!!" Scar screamed, coming out of nowhere, and practically jumping on Ed's head.
Ed's brains exploded inside his skull.
"NOOOO!!!!!" Mari Jessi yelled.
Scar turned to her. "I'll let you live, because this is Scarlet's fic and she would kill me for killing you prematurely."
Mari was completely oblivious to this explanation, as she was still staring at Ed.
"I WILL BRING YOU BACK TO LIFE, EDWARD ELRIC!" Mari screamed, but Mari didn't know that she had only enough gold in her blood to bring back one more person, but then she would die because she was born with some sort of weird mutation in her body and it can't accept normal blood. Now back to the point.
So Mari Jessi brought Ed back to life, but her heartbeat slowed and her breaths became shallower. (A/N Can you feel the angst? I can FEEL the ANGSTT!!)
"No! Mari Jessi, what's wrong with you? You're dying, aren't you? You can't die! YOU CAN'T DIE!!" Ed screamed and looked at the sky.
Mari threw a stick at him."Get over here so I can die romantically in your arms!" she commanded.
"What? Oh, right," Ed said then knelt down to put her torso in his arms.
"Edward Elric," Mari Jessi began romantically and angst-ly, "Remember that I will always love you... forever…," Mari's eyes fluttered shut and her jaw went slack.
Ed stared down at her cold, dead body for a moment, then lay her down carefully on the ground and looked up at the sky.
He smiled widely. "At least I've got Winry for backup!"
Ok! I dunno bout you, but I LOVE IT!! Sorry for the abuse of caps, it makes it funnier.
(1)I have a habit of saying Roy Mustang instead of just Roy in real life, so I brought that into this fic.
(2)I said it out loud and it sounded like the car brand!! LOLZ!!
(3)Mikey reminded me not to cuss.