Be Careful What You Wish For… By Lady(dragon) Guinevere Warning: rated 'M' for Rape… Takes place about 2 months after the final episode of My So-Called Life, every chapter is sort of a separate songfic. The characters aren't mine, obviously. They just live inside my head for a while…
I meant to continue after these 3 chapters, but I'm not sure I will. It's finished in a way, even though I had some good follow-up ideas. If you like it, please R&R!
Written in Jordan's POV
Chapter 1, The Rejects
She says her love for me would never die
But that'd change if she ever finds out about you and I
oh - but her love is cold
It wouldn't hurt her if she didn't know cause...
When it gets too much - I need to feel your touch
I'm gonna run to you
I'm gonna run to you
cause when the feelin's right I'm gonna run all night
I'm gonna run to you
She's gotta heart of gold she'd never let me down
But you're the one that always turns me on
You keep me comin' round
I know her love is true
But it's so damn easy makin' love to you
I got my mind made up - I need to feel your touch
Run To You, by Bryan Adams
Outside, in Vertigo's parking lot, a familiar scene took place. Jordan Catalano and Rayanne Graff were leaning against a red convertible, swapping drinks and talking to each other. The letter-incident took place about 2 months ago and little change had occurred since then. Both Rayanne and Jordan were still left out of Angela Chase's life, though Angela treated Jordan considerably better than Rayanne.
Like a silent agreement, running into each other at 'Vertigo' the last few Friday nights had become a habit of some sorts. Jordan and Rayanne sought each other's companionship because misery loved company. None of their remaining friends understood them, thus they took comfort in each other.
Downing the last few drops his beer bottle contained, Jordan started stammering to no one in particular. "You know, I like, asked Angela if she… if she… Made her mind up yet. So she like, told me that even though she had, you know, feelings for me, she still needed more time. She wants us to be friends, or something."
Holding out her flask to Jordan as some sort of peace offering, Rayanne huffed up her nose. "At least she like, talks, to you, Catalano. She's still completely like, ignoring my existence. She probably thinks I'm like, the fungus on the shit from the flee that like lives on this stray-dog with scabies or something."
Ignoring Rayanne's confusing confession, Jordan persisted his monologue. "I can't like, be friends with her, I just… can't. I'm not like, this Brain kid who keeps like, following her around, like, hoping she'll *see* him, you know? That's not me, that's not what's like, supposed to happen. These things like, don't happen to me, they like, *don't*!"
Sliding his back down the side of the car, Jordan plunged down to sit on the floor, his head leaning backwards and his eyes shut. He pressed the palms of his hands to his forehead, fingers pointing upwards. He rested his head into his palms like seeking sanctuary, then uttered, "Fuck… I'm fucking wasted, all because of her. Why does it like, hurt this fucking much? "
While trying to lower herself to Jordan's level, Rayanne tripped over her own feet, quickly waving her arms around like a startled chicken to keep her balance. Eyeing her feet like they just betrayed her, she shook her head and got another flask from her coat pocket. "But… at least my trusty friends Johnny, Jack and Jim never *ever* let me down, do you, guys? You're always around, even if I like, ignored you for a little while. Don't worry though, Momma's back now, boys." Rayanne caressed the flask in her hand before planting a big kiss on it.
Jordan VO: "I know how much Angela like, hates it Graff's like, drinkin' again. But fuck how can she like, expect someone to be like, some way when she doesn't even like, care anymore? It's not like I care or something, I mean, not for Graff. She's just, you know, easy going and fun. Doesn't like, expect me to be all perfect."
Raising her index finger suddenly, like she just figured out the solution to world famine, Rayanne fixed her eyes upon Jordan's. "You know Catalano, who else we should like, invite to our pity-party? I mean, besides my pals Johnny, Jack and Jim, obviously… Krakow!"
Like someone tackled her, Rayanne's legs unexpectedly collapsed underneath her. She crashed down, landed besides Jordan on the cold cement floor, giggling at first and moaning with pain shortly after .
"Krakow?" Jordan looked at Rayanne dumbstruck before lighting a cigarette and taking a deep drag from it. He closed his eyes while the smoke filled his lungs, then blew out tiny streamers of fog.
"Yeah, you know, Brian Krakow? The tutor that like, helped you declare your everlasting, undying love to Angela? Or wait, was it like, *his* everlasting, undying love for Angela?" Tapping her index finger at her lips, Rayanne looked up, pretending to be thinking really hard. Shaking her head to get rid of her so-called contemplations, she picked up where she left off. "Anyways, he's got like, every right we do, to, you know, be here." Swiftly, Rayanne snatched the stub away from Jordan's grasp and inhaled deeply.
"Oh, you mean Brain." In return, Jordan pried the flask from Rayanne's clasp while tucking a strand of hair behind his ear with his other hand.
"Duh!" Rayanne drew in once more, the stub wedged in-between her fingers becoming smaller and smaller with every drag, until it almost burnt her fingers. Flicking the stump away, she blew out the last bits of smoke and went on talking, "You know what we should do, Catalano? We should like, start a band, you know? We could call it, like, 'The Rejects'. 'Cause that's what we freakin' are... We're Angela's rejects." For a moment, a haze came across Rayanne's eyes, whitening them like milk squirted into water.
Jordan VO: "She's right I guess. Me and Angela, we still have like, thing going on, or something. But she's like, pushing me away. I screwed up and now I'm like, being punished. "
When Rayanne blinked, the mist had vanished and her expression was neutral again. "I guess we'd be a crappy band though… Krakow plays like, this lame instrument, like, the flute or something nerdy like that. And that time I tried out for you guys, that was like… Wow, don't even get me started on that time…"
Trying to retrieve the flask from Jordan's grip, Rayanne's fingers briefly brushed over his. Embracing Jordan's hand with her own, their eyes met. Then, two pairs of eyes stared down at the hands melted together like one. After lingering there a few seconds, their eyes spurted upward, meeting once again. To both, it was like looking into a mirror. The pain they'd inflicted upon themselves, the absence of the one they loved, and the single reason they were out *drunk* once more, it was all in their eyes.
"Hey…" Shifting his body so he was facing Rayanne, Jordan reached out his hand to braid through her hair, a shy smile adorning his face.
"Hey yerself…" Slightly adjusting her position, Rayanne cupped her face in the warm, comforting hand on her cheek and smiled back.
The warmth radiating from Rayanne's eyes vanished and made way for her lust to manifest itself. Urgently, Rayanne's hands clawed into Jordan's jacket, the way a predator grabbed its prey, and she yanked him towards her. At first, her eyes studied his intense blue eyes, as if hoping to find an answer inside their never ending depths. Then, their lips crashed into each other, devouring one another as if it was their last supper.
"Ray… Rayan…" His eyes heavy with desire, Jordan cupped Rayanne's face with both hands to back out of their lip-lock. "Graff! This is… it's like, wrong. Angela's like, never gonna forgive us."
"Fuck, Catalano. Believe me, I know. It's just… I feel so *lonely*…" Rayanne whispered the last word, embarrassed to admit it. A small voice she hardly recognized as her own, continued, "I miss her… Like, so much, it just fucking *hurts*!"
Lowering his hands, Jordan drew Rayanne into an embrace. "Ssshhh… I know…" Rocking their bodies back and forth, Rayanne sobbed into the shoulder Jordan offered her so willingly, desperately clinging her hands to the cloth of his jacket.
Jordan VO: "I miss her too, hurts like hell."
"W-Why… why doesn't she like…" The first part was barely audible through her thick voice, then Rayanne's sobs disappeared slowly. "Why doesn't she *want* me anymore?" Her tone was harsh and loud by now, her fists slammed into Jordan's shoulders and her head popped up with renewed fire.
"Hey!" Rubbing his shoulders, Jordan sent Rayanne a filthy stare. "I'm not like, your punching bag or something!"
Slapping her hand over her mouth, Rayanne's initial realisation at what she'd done transformed into laughter at the whole situation. "Wait, you're not? You sure? Absolutely? How do you like, explain this then?" Mimicking a professional boxer's punches, alternating her right and left fist, Rayanne playfully knocked Jordan.
"Hey!" Throwing his hands up in an attempt to parry Rayanne's attacks, Jordan duck sideways. Lowering his arms, he stretched them out to grab Rayanne's waist. Squealing as if she saw a mouse, Rayanne surrendered when Jordan's hands began to tickle her. A long series of giggles erupted from her mouth, answered by a brash grin from Jordan. When the laughter died, Rayanne's attempt to throw Jordan another frisky punch, was prevented when his hand firmly wrapped itself around her fore arm. A slow, victorious smirk was displayed on Jordan's face before he loosened his grip on her arm. Plopping down, their connected limbs landed atop Jordan's knees. Gently, his fingers started rubbing back and forth over Rayanne's arm, increasing their span stroke by stroke. Pulling her arm away as if a scorpion just stung her, Rayanne sent Jordan a short, intense stare before launching herself at him.
Rayanne's lips crashed onto Jordan's, biting, probing, wanting him even closer. She cupped his jaws, drawing him nearer, her tongue coming out to play. Licking over his soft lips, she tasted one of her dear old friends, Johnny, Jack or Jim -she didn't know, and didn't care- and felt his lips open up to her. Hungrily, she pushed her tongue inside, searching his out to taste and tease even more.
"C' mon…" Mumbling to Rayanne's lips practically devouring his, Jordan opened up the back door to his car. Without unlocking his lips, he scrambled to his feet, lifting Rayanne along with him. Her body heat surrounded him like a comforting, warm blanket. Stumbling into the car, Rayanne fell backwards onto the cold leather seat , whereas Jordan pressed himself on top of her. Reaching out behind his back, he shut the car door with a loud clank. With stealthy yet shaky fingers, he unbuttoned Rayanne's jeans. Supporting himself on one hand, he used the other one to yank her pants over her legs. Kissing her roughly and demandingly, Jordan's fingers found their way into Rayanne's panties. Her wetness set his loins on fire, and as his fingers massaged her sensitive spot he felt her hands working on his belt. Once he was unbuckled, Rayanne unzipped his pants and reached inside the denim restraint.
A husky moan escaped Jordan's lips at the feel of her fingers rubbing his dick. When his erection sprung free, he rummaged his back pocket for his wallet. He opened it up, took out a condom and tore the package off with his teeth. Once settled, he slid inside of Rayanne. Slowly at first, his thrusts became harder, and went deeper and faster. With every thrust the tension inside of him built, until he was consumed by the feeling raging through him. Rayanne fisted his hair and that gesture sent him over the edge. Throwing his head back, he groaned. "Fuck! Angelaaa…"
All of a sudden, Jordan felt the body underneath him tense. The tantalizing after-waves of his orgasm swiftly disappeared because he knew something was off. He stared at Rayanne, half expecting to see someone else.
"Catalano, fuck you! You just called me Angela… Like, again!" Her hands still entangled in his hair, Rayanne stared him down. "You did it like, the first time…" A blush crept up Rayanne's cheeks when she whispered, "Every fuckin' time you're like, with me, you call me Angela. Dunno how 'bout you, I for one lost track of the times we ended up in your backseat, but ev'ry *fucking* time you call me Angela!"
Rayanne's palms pressed into her eyes, before her hands slumped to her sides. "Look, I know, okay? It's just… you don't have to like, rub it in, you know?"
"Four." Jordan withdrew himself from Rayanne's body, zipping up his pants fast. "Five if you like, count this one too." Holding on to the handle above his head, Jordan rested his face onto his arm when he muttered, "Six, if you like… count that first time…"
Jordan VO: "I hated myself, you know? I hated me for like, hurting Angela then. But I keep hurting her, it's like what Brain said, I have like, this… wish… this unconscious wish, to like punish her. Or me... Screw that, I never got that anyway. It's just like, ironic, 'cause the mess I made of things, that's like the reason me and Graff are like, still… Doing this. It's like, we share this like, thing, and it makes us, you know, understand each other or something. And it's nothin' like how things were with Angela. See, Rayanne she like doesn't expect anything. She's like me. The old me. It's like, not complicated, to be with her. It's easy."
"Look, Catalano… We gotta like, stop doing this, you know?" Routinely, Rayanne put her pants back on, checked her attire and raked her hands through her hair. "If someone catches us…"
"I know…" Leaning his forehead against the car window, Jordan's eyes lost their focus.
The graveness of the situation entangling them fully now made them feel imprisoned, as if being caught in the sticky threads of a spider's web.
Jordan VO: "It's not worth it. It's like this thing with Graff and her booze. She knows it's like, gonna kill her, maybe even soon. And it like, messes your life up, and chases people away. But you like, *can't* quit because it's like, the only *real* thing you have in your life, or something. It sorta makes you forget about your crappy life, you know?"
"Yo, I umm… I gotta split. Amber's at home for a change and I told her I wouldn't like, be out all night. She's gonna have a fit if I'm not back soon, you know?" Her hand already upon the car door handle, Rayanne turned to look at Jordan one last time. "Bye."
"Yeah, see you around." Merely flashing his eyes over in Rayanne's direction, Jordan wasn't in the mood to move yet. Climbing out the other side of the car, Rayanne vanished and left Jordan alone in the backseat.
Jordan VO: "Sometimes I wished I would like, just die, you know? Like, if I'll just stay here, and don't drink or like, eat, I'll die in the end, right? Life sucks, it's useless. I'm useless. Guess the old man was right after all. S'pose I deserved all those punches he gave me, for like, screwing up. It's like, I needed them, or like, wanted them even. Why else would I like, make a mess all the time… knowing it'll end with his belt flogging across my back?"
Thanx for R&R-ing!